that night....

Last night, I stood outside, mediating between two parties. What I believed to be a work-related issue between my brother and a friend (...) became an issue my brother had with an issue between myself and a friend. I got him to calm down and I tried to help him see that he was handling the situation incorrectly (although in the most loving way he knew) and that he should be more compassionate.

In the process of this, the question was asked of perspectives on the situation between my friend and myself. Questions were asked about closed doors, his feelings about what the origins of the strain on our relationship (which people not even involved in the situation recognize), and so on. His simple answer is that he doesn't know. He has no idea. He can't even fathom. We're working things out. Etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

I sat in the car, looking into his eyes and he asked why I close my door and I gave my reasons for this thing and that as he had moments before. Many things I thought, but the one that sticks out most is that I honestly feel that he is lying about things. I guess he didn't feel that Clive should have known anything, but I wish he would have said that. If, on the other hand, he really believes this to be the truth, then that leaves me with a disturbing set of realizations.

He likes to be happy and not stressed out and all these things and in the end, it's not just for the sake of being happy at all. He just runs away from any challenge. Any negativity. Anything that might make someone sad, or down, or anything. His answer is to run. If a relationship breaks, he won't repair it. He runs. He had a goal to do something and he stopped for a while. Instead of trying to talk to the person he was working with to restart everything, he runs. He's always running and unable to face anything. He says I'm extreme because I'm so emotional and other things, but I realize that he's just weak. He can't handle me being sad because he can't even handle his own personal stress without pretending its just not there.

I wrote him a message last night after all of this and I suppose I should have expected the answer I got, but it's still sad all the same...

md > i was just thinking that it is amazing that we can take something positive and make it negative, but we have such a hard time devoting the same energy to changing things from a negative to a positive again.

mc > dunno what that means, it has no context...

md > the application is universal, but maybe it's just a bit dark for the evening. think about it when you have a moment. the meaning, however, is crystal clear if you think for a moment.

If our previous conversation is not context, I don't know what would have been. It would taken only a moment for him to understand, but he just won't make the effort. Fear. Just pure fear. It's pitiful and sad. I wish I weren't the strong one at times. He'll never learn compassion if he won't learn to share pain with others or try to understand.