understand. They're just wrong.
All wrong. I'm tired of them being wrong. I really am. They've been
wrong since I've been born it seems and they will be wrong until I am
dead and not even God will take the time to sort them out.
If I'm straight, then that's wrong because I should be open to more
than that. If I'm gay, then something's wrong with that. If I'm bi,
it's just all other kinds of hell. I read too much, I sleep too much,
or not enough, or I'm not social, or too social, or I should read
more, or I'm too intense, or not intense enough, or I need to be more
open, or I need to dial it back, or down or under, or....
At this point, with this person, I should be more open, I should avoid
personas, I should speak my mind, maybe think about myself more....
Honestly, it's just another long list of things that yet another
person sees as wrong with me. I'm so tired of that I could scream. Of
course, it never crosses the mind of one person that there are reasons
I feel the way I feel or behave the way I behave or have trained
myself to shut my emotions down completely for extended periods of
time or project a piece of myself into a whole personality and become
that if needed. I can be any person I can picture and to be aware of
that power is frightening to be sure, but I don't abuse it. I am just
aware of it.
All this boils down to is that I'm tired of being told that the way I
feel is wrong when people don't take the time to do the research. I
always have something that has happened that forms the decisions I
have made to do or not do things. Most times, it's doing things that
are good regardless of how it will affect me later. Sometimes it's
just that I have decided that I can only handle so much and I do what
I can not to lose myself in my emotions. Especially the ones I don't
speak on.
Because of this, my initial reaction to someone poking around in my
emotions on a deep level is anger. It makes me angry that someone
wants to "pass judgment" on how I feel without trying to understand
why they are there. They're just wrong. I "shouldn't feel/be like
that" because it is "unhealthy" or "weak". Fuck you. I went through
hell just to get to this point.
I remember when I thought I found someone that I could tell everything
to. I didn't hold back anything. Not a single thing from them
emotionally. They did what everyone else does when I show them the
full torrent of my emotions: they ran. They ran and they told other
people that I was too much for them when I would get emotional and cry
about things when they made me deeply sad. They did that for months
without me knowing and without knowing this, I continue to be wide
open with everything I felt and thought. When I found out, I felt a
rage I hadn't felt ever in my life. A grave betrayal. I mean, yeah, I
had been told that my feelings about most things were silly, but I
hadn't been that open with anyone since that one circle of friends I
had in college way back when for those two golden years. It HURT.
Emotionally, I imploded and Erik came about.
When that person finally came back to me after three months of me
being emotionally closed in every way and I got it sorted it, it took
months for that other to be out of my system, now I am integrated but
I'm not the same emotionally. I'm back to being a bit slower to open
up. Those walls are a lot easier to erect. Those personas are on
standby. After learning how to do something one time, I am able to do
it 3-5x faster every time and this is no different. I don't, but I can
and I am aware of that.
Seriously, if you knew how quickly I could just shut things off and
have everything about me turn into cold apathy bordering on hatred,
you wouldn't anger me...
Ever.
In any case, if I have a feeling or think something you don't get, try
to understand. If you disagree, then discuss alternatives. Don't call
it stupid or weak -- at least do the homework first. If you are going
to still call it dumb, then help me understand. Stop just destroying
forests without planting seeds. It makes me hate you.
It would make anyone hate you.
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