anger!

Honestly, I hate the fact that I even have to deal with this emotion. For me, it is inextricably tied to some level of bitterness. I have spent a great deal of time in my life trying to fight even feeling it, but today I seem to be waist deep. I don't understand why people do the things that they do or say the things that they say. In addition to this, I find myself dealing with the consequences of those words and actions. Feeling the injustice of it all, I find my mind reeling and my blood boiling. I've been caught in the trap. That is to say, I become angry.

The problem for me is that the anger never really goes away. Energy has a way of never being lost, but changing form. Always changing form. I never seem to be completely done with my anger, it simply slips under the surface of my emotions only to be dug up again a short time later. I wish I were like other people that rarely, if ever, become angry. Unfortunately, I'm not quite that unemotional, so that leaves me with few options.

In addition to having to deal with the anger, other emotions seep in and I have to try to avoid certain behavioral patterns. Like sleeping. Or excessive journaling. The thing I can't escape though, is my own mind. It's like trying to run away from my shadow at 2 in the afternoon. I wish I could just stop thinking about the things that make me angry like the way he said what he said or did what he did or the way she doesn't like this or that about me and never tells me to my face or the way some jerk just walked out on me without telling me what exactly I did to upset him. Instead of just a moment's peace, I spend a large chunk of my conscious time thinking about it.

Soon, my energy wanes. I am tempted to sleep to forget for a while. I become silent and unwilling to converse about the issue. It just gets worse and worse and worse. I'm sure that, in my effort to avoid one or more of those pitfalls, I will remain awake until 2AM or better just being frustrated. This is really annoying and I think I am going to go to bed for a while.

Maybe half of this was just a misunderstanding, but I'm really trying not to be annoying and I was really trying to be helpful and I really didn't understand what the problem was with using B because A wasn't available and I really wasn't offended by a bubble, I was just having a hard day and someone was sitting across a table and pushing a whole bunch of buttons and I don't know where I want to live (if I can find a place) in a few months from now and friends that I care about deeply are really far away right now and I still have issues with this whole manhood thing and I really wish the kitchen weren't messy and I need to finish my novels or my hat and I don't want to work for this company that doesn't seem to care about the fact that I really want to do well and doesn't reward me for any of the work I do and won't give me hours despite the dueness (yes I made that word up) of my bills and I want to beat the stupid sand monster in chapter five and I want to watch my bleach and blood+ and why can't people just make more sense in general and why do I have to have the creeping feeling that, in the end, no one reading this cares at all about how I am feeling and how am I going to get what I need in order to do what I need to/want to do and and and and and and and and and and.....