thinking on much and thinking on many

I think so much about all of my friends on a regular basis that I could write a whole blog per person. So much to be said, so much that I know and need to process and it is absolutely ridiculous. I'm sitting here, watching Star Wars after several hours of waiting for this event to take off and all I can think about is how much I don't belong here. How I don't even feel like I am among friends anymore. They're just people that I see and have interacted with. How sad.

At the end of my day, I am just as distant (if not more so) than before. Not connected to anyone or anything. Wishing I were elsewhere or otherwise. I am sad and angry at almost everyone. It's madness. I am mad that RM was in my room. I am mad that they can wear that (which I feel means nothing to him at all) without a thought.

I wonder about what is more painful after all is said and done. He cares, but not enough to voice it or act on it. He loves, but not enough for him to be moved by it. He's my friend, but not enough to spend time with me instead of sleeping until work then going straight to his room when he comes home. I attempt to feel something other than indifference and find only anger in return. I can't love him as I wish, so maybe I hate him now. Maybe not that, but it feels like that.

I took a lot of time to separate our lives and I guess that's how they will remain. It is one of the worst things that has happened to me all year and it sucks.