Thoughts Adrift

So I'm listening to Thank You by Tsutchie and just listening to my mind drift as it has been all week. Most of it just fleeting moments of thought from this subject to that and in no particular order. An intense moment of thought here, another intense moment there. All cyclical. Bad memories, good feelings, all the in-between. I guess I'll just write them and let them be. No explaining.

You know, all things being considered, you're being beyond foolish. Again, I bring to the forefront that you can't address an issue by avoiding it or not talking about it. Period. Mind you, I know you're avoiding; it's kind of hard to miss it when you walk in and out of the place that you live without a word to anyone but one person. Most of these issues, you could probably solve in moments with a proper conversation, but you don't want to and your utter slackness while expecting people to continually accept crap is going to be the reason you end up losing perfectly good friends. Not that you care and you'd just as soon sign it off to fate/karma/people not accepting the "real you". I suppose I'm done with that for now.


I think you stick around because you don't know what else to do or even how to process me. I'm ultimately here for your entertainment and occasionally being your sounding board. Okay, fine. Then yesterday, you say something about not doing things as 仲間「なかま」Interesting on multiple levels. If you care about these things, you need to make better effort to demonstrate that; I've made it a habit to show the love I'm given so as to spend my treasure wisely. For instance, yesterday, I ended up ordering out because you got yourself preoccupied in a game that you couldn't pause. Then you say, "...but I was waiting for you to be ready." Why would you entangle yourself in something you can't pause while waiting for someone? You don't make sense, but for all of your stupidity, I have a hard time hating you and I suppose that's just as well that it is that way. At the same time, it causes conflicted feelings when you suddenly wish to be thoughtful and close to me.

You know what: I'm an idiot. Have to be. I've reviewed this time after time after time and I come to the same conclusion, so it has to be true. I've hung, stuck with, clung to people that don't have that sticking power. I can't think of how many times I've been left and even now part of me thinks that it's better to be a constant friend than to just obliterate your existence from my mind. I think about it now and then in the night when I have nothing else in my mind and I can't even begin to count the amount of times that you've just told me "I can't..." or just flat-out left without a word and even with all of that, when it comes down to the hour or minute you'd ever need me, I'm right there. Knowing that I wouldn't have dared to leave you and call myself your friend at the same time just makes it worse because that gives my anger a reason and a right and I need none of those.


I really just want to walk into the house one day and say, "Hey, guys. Moving in 30..." and just pack all my things some days. They seem to be so eager to leave anyway, but I suppose that, as they have no other immediate options, they continue to live here. That's nonsense. I'm the only one holding all of this together, so maybe I should just stop doing it. We were friends: what the hell happened? This is probably more related to one person than anything, but this is no way to function when every moment is a type of silent warfare and you have to watch out for mines every single step. Not that I care; I'll run right over that shit and not care, but that's only part of the problem. The real problem is the consistent and simultaneous appearances of bullshit and immaturity.

I'm in more of a mood for jazz than almost any other genre right now. I clearly need a vacation of some kind to some unknown place. Maybe I just need to move altogether.


I wish I could get some help. There's a lot to do all over, but it's hard finding nearby people to reach out to as they their either preoccupied or I'm just misunderstood and, truth be known, I'd rather be silent completely than misunderstood. So much so that I'm consciously truncating responses to avoid unneeded misunderstanding and conflict; I can't be understood and be fully myself at the same time it seems and that's unfortunate. If I have choose between being alone and being understood, I'll content myself as a hermit.

Unwriteable

I've been writing since 5th grade, but for some reason, when it comes to you, I don't know what happens. There is always a break down whenever anything written passes from you to me. A note, a text, anything I write to you. I suppose that, following that line, this is going to go terribly wrong, but I'm not worried about that right now.

It just sucks that I can't seem to put anything in a text format without it being misunderstood, misread, misinterpreted, mis-any-other-word. I don't know what to do. I called the other day, but you didn't pick up and I couldn't leave a message.

It's so... irritating. We've known each other for so long and yet at every turn in which written words -- digital or otherwise -- appear: misunderstanding. Constant like the rise of the sun and the ebb of the tide. I wish I could make myself understood whenever I deign to attempt saying more than "yes" or "no" or typing a location like "downtown", "home" or "work".

What would it take? How long before things I write and clearly understood in the way I want them to be? I might as well be waiting for an Amtrak train to pass by my house...

At least, that's how I feel when I feel so hopelessly inept in communicating with you effectively in my writing. It's not that I can't write or communicate a point; I made A's in English most of my life. I just can't make my written words work with you. At all. Where am I failing? God only knows.

As for me, I'm completely clueless.

Good Night

I really was mellowed out last night for most of the night last night. We hung out at the Chinese restaurant with Rickey and it was chill until I read the placemat. On the placemats, there were zodiac animals (I'm the year of the dog) and of course, where the rooster appear, it said, "Cock."

Commence laughter.

To make it worse, there was marriage and friendship advice which of course included:

• marry the cock
• avoid the cock
• the cock is your best sign
• you are most compatible with the cock

So of course, I crack up laughing. Now, about my laughter... it's infectious. The problem is that no one knew what I was laughing at, so they thought I was just being random. When the other guys got up, I explained to the one person remaining what I was laughing about. When the other two returned, they started reading the placemat.  Mind you, they still didn't see what I saw, so I was still trying to refrain from laughing... unsuccessfully.

Aside from that humor, when we got home. Joe and Rickey watched the videos on my phone from the fight. Heather and I watched a few youtube videos. They were riotous. I also showed her the tone matrix and robot unicorn attack. After that, we started watching funny japanese prank videos for a bit until they all got ready to go (and I didn't want them to, but such is I guess).

After that Rickey and I talked a bit and I thought about some other stuff I had mentioned while cleaning another bathroom. I have some work ahead of me. A lot of work. Long work. I'm ready for it though. I thought about some other things related to my goals. I thought about the irony of asking someone to walk a path with me that I suppose I am destined to ultimately walk alone. I thought what it would mean to be someone other. Rickey and I talked about that last night. Sometimes, you make a decision and it changes the externals. Other times, it changes the foundations and cores. Is the core of me something I really want to change? I gather that he thinks that the core of who I am shouldn't be lost to the world, but that I should be more expressive about my inward feelings when they are not pleasant so that other people have the full range of my feelings. 

I'll be content with those and the other thoughts we shared for now.

There were a lot of other, small (and not so small) things that happened between there and sleep that made last night pretty awesome and I was happy for them. I'm glad I fell asleep when I did, though. I would have had to take a walk on the wild side otherwise.

Finally, thanks to Rebecca, I have a new song crush. I was trying to avoid it because I didn't know what it was, but I'm such an addict to songs with funky/groovy/simple basslines and other catchy tunes, so now I'm totally crushing on Afro Gunsou. The song is silly and japanese and has the most nonsensical lyrics. It's even more fun than Cake's version of Mahna Mahna.

Okay, I guess I'll get to work on reading these contracts and other paperwork and take it from there. I have a lot to think about today. I'm feeling a bit wild now, but hopefully that will settle down. I'm running aground some startling realizations about myself, but I'll .... talk about that later.

Breathe, Report, Run

I could be working, but the people from HQ are being asshats, so I'm going to blog.

The last few days have been rough. I was more depressed earlier in the week just because that's how cycles work, but my mood is lightening toward the end and I am good with that. I'll write about this with titles because there's too much going on not to include them.

CEDRIC'S PROJECT
He asked me to help him with a project in jsp (java servlet page script). I can't do that, so I tried to write the program in PHP and let him translate the logic. He has a sucky teacher (I know from just talking), so he had a hard time translating the concepts. He actually tried to ask the teacher if he could turn in the project in PHP instead (bastard!), but the teacher said no (as I predicted).

He ended up dropping the class as neither he nor anyone else in the class had a clue as to how to go about doing this. He did offer to pay me for the work I did, but I settled for dinner and friendly hugs.


ROOMMATE STUFF
James moved. Rickey and I are really random. When we talk, it's deep and intense and funny. When we don't talk, we don't even see each other.

The latest talk we had was on destiny and, on my side, I presented things from the only point of view I understand which is, of course, attached to my faith... which I pointed out several times. I think it gave him a lot to think about. Seeds are planted.


FREAKIN CATS
Sleeping in my shoes. Eating all the food. So so cute though. Azumi curled up on me, purred, and meowed until I followed her into the kitchen to give her more food and water. :D


MINIMALISM
I'm so far into it since I started and I'm still shedding stuff. Not as much at once, but I'm always thinking about things I have and don't need. I finally had to give Hello Kitty the boot as she's just taking up space, but I did enjoy her for the time I had her on my desk.


RECONNECT
So I finally caught up with Waz which was excitement and a half. I randomly called and he picked up and we talked for a couple of hours. I'm glad this happened. It was quite a bit of download, but I was cooking dinner so that helped pass the time and it was a really big, protein-y, vegetable-y dinner. :D

Last night, Polli came over while I was working with Marc to undertand GIT (ugh!). He whiled away the time while I programmed until Marc fell asleep. We got dinner, Rickey asked me to tune his guitar (I can tune by ear), and Polli and I talked about Occupy Wall Street and a lot of political things until we were tired and I remembered that being a zombie at work is not the move.

In the morning, I got up, showered instead of ignoring the clock, got dressed and used the last of my minutes to lie next to him on the couch and say nothing for a while. I'm glad I did. Some moments you pass over with friends not doing silly things like this because you think you'll have that moment later and you regret that decision later.

Not I. I don't choose that life.

So I laid there until 8:31 where I promptly:

• gathered my things
• forgot something
• gathered the something I forgot
• got him to take me to the bus stop to squeeze in a few more seconds while he tried to kill me by making a turn when someone clearly had the right-of-way
• tore my shirt on the way out of the door and creatively put it back together in such a way that it looks normal

All of that in a few minutes. After that, I read my work email to get a jump on what needs to happen today and read email that pissed me off. Let me explain that now.

WORK BITCHES

Yesterday, I was asked to make a bunch of changes to our website. There are two people in our company that manage making changes. One of them didn't have time (college classes) and the other just didn't feel like it because it was outside of her office hours (4 hours/day). I fumbled through it, but I figured it out in about two hours.

Today, she writes this:

To: Marquis Dugger; Alessio Artuffo
Subject: Re: Website lay out
 See, I now had to take the whole element away now from the carousel (unable to edit it due to connection problems), but please do not change any page lay outs in the future! The lay out is all planned on web concept level for our global marcom needs and site structure must remain as it is.
 Also, I lose time when I need to rework on the site to fix these.
 I am sure you understand :)
 Ciao,
M

Wutdafukk?! Is this bitch (yes, bitch) for real?! We have a time-sensitive email campaign going out that you didn't want to help with and you start your day with a complaint? I made that page look hot. I mean damn sexy for someone that hasn't used the system even once. Seriously, look at it since the bitch didn't even have to actually edit anything!

I really wanted to go ham, but I wrote:

M:
 I can understand that perfectly and considering how this went, I am excited and positive that I'll be able to get your assistance with any future, time-sensitive projects as I ask for it.
 For that, I thank you in advance!
 ----
MD

Get on my level and don't you dare come at me like that at the beginning of my day ever again before I smack that accent off of you! Grrrrrr. While I'm on that, I love the people I work with but the people at HQ are really unsupportive as fuck sometimes.

Whatever. I'll make things work and it will cost them money. End trans.

OTHER THINGS

I looked up the meaning of the word pansexual yesterday on wikipedia as someone described me with that word. Some of this made me smile because of it's accuracy. In particular, this:

Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person's personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender.

I love that. I really do.

I'm thinking of ways to get rid of things. I guess I just need to steel my nerves and go ham on everything I view as immediately unuseful.

That work thing? Yeah, we just cleared that up. We were friendly about it and it only took a moment. The marketing person thought I did something intentionally that was only a mistake. Now that we've clarified that it was unintentional, things are golden. She gave me a few other pointers about things we can/can't do and we're fine now. Absolutely fine.

Ale slept in today. I love my boss, but this man is off the chain sometimes.


DAD ISSUES
The other day, I bought a cookie and I was walking to the bus stop. Suddenly, I was hit full-force with missing my dad. I wanted a hug. Specifically from him and I couldn't have it then. I texted him and said, "Days like today, when I think about you, I wish I had superpowers." He called later, but I was too busy with things to pick up right then and so the story goes.

I'm almost 30 and I just get blindsided still with the most basic things from childhood. I wish he were here. I wish I could ask him things. I wish we could just hang out and talk about something/nothing/anything at all and all I can get in return is another bill in the mail and the sharp realization that I just left my adult, grownup job.

Fuck adulthood, I want my dad.

This is said as a person that grew up with and in a generation of people that were physically/spiritually/emotionally/mentally abandoned/left by their fathers and chose to say, "We'll do this without you AND BE GOOD AT IT!!!!!" and we were....

...but we still need them. It's not even a something they do as much as who they are and how that affects us as we grow up. I am convinced I wouldn't be the way I am in a lot of ways that would be better for me if he were here. I guess I came out okay and thank God that I know The Father to the Fatherless, but I still miss him and I want him near and this will haunt me -- and all of us that are a part of this fatherless generation -- for the rest of our lives. That sucks.


ON A HAPPIER NOTE
The sun is making its presence known and this white chocolate mocha is good and this brownie should be epic and I got paid today. Life on the whole is good and I even managed to update my phone to iOS5 without issue.

This is good times.

Foolishness and Folly

Okay, so I'm going to try not to be too annoyed by this, but I hate saying something so many times and being ignored.

Today, I got home early. Coincidence. Not normal.

I got in and I took some pictures of really cute kittens and everything and the doorbell rang. I was busy on the phone and ignored it. After looking out of the window, I noticed who rang the doorbell and texted them. Toward the end of the messages explaining that I was busy at the time, these messages were passed:

...If you could unlock the door, we'd appreciate it.

It seems my younger brother tagged along. My response followed.

...and I would appreciate two certain ppl being less ninja and warning me before things like this. I'm normally at work now. Just sayin.


Now, let's have a show of hands as to how many people clearly understand that I am communicating that I want to know before people show up. All of you? Oh, okay. Let's continue on to the first thing I hear upon opening my front door:

...but you weren't though. Funny how that worked out...


I wanted to shut the door in his face. I simply said, "Oh, jokes. Nice." and went to my room.

I can understand living in the moment; I could have been at work, but I wasn't. I am here at this very moment and capable of hearing doorbells and answering doors. Even if this isn't a normal thing, it is the situation right now and now is the only moment that we have to live and experience anything. I get it. However, what I don't get is the lack of respect. I'll explain that later, I guess.

My thoughts on the subject are clear enough, but it doesn't matter. Oh well. Next time I'll stick to instincts and ignore the fuck out of people.

Yes, I'm annoyed.

At the same time, it's all good. I could spend my day being pissed about it, but I refuse to let some foolishness like this ruin my day. If they came up here to visit me, they're doing a good job of not doing that, so I'm going to make my own day amazing.

"How?" you ask.

I'm going to go to the Waffle House and get a steak... that or (severely americanized) Chinese food. If they follow, cool, if not, I won't slow down a step. In the end, I don't have patience or place for people that don't respect me even if they think the issue is small.

Yes, you are always welcome.
No, that does not mean appear without warning when I've told you not to before.

If you do that  anyway without being clearly retarded, or under severe emotional distress, you're just disrespecting me and I don't get down like that.

Off to get that steak now.

Wedding Day

"Marquis!! Put on your seatbelt!!!!"

I really don't care. I spent three quarters of this trip in this car without putting on the thing so could you please explain why on earth it matters so much right now?

No? Oh ok.

Going on, the wedding was wonderful and light-hearted. The wedding was at 12:13 (yes, on 9/10/11). It was relaxed in atmosphere. I listened to the people around me talking about hip-hop and so on.

I was the only black person in attendance. I didn't feel at all out of place. Sarah was very tall. Glenn was very happy and quite sincere. The two couldn't have been happier and no one in attendance could have been happier for them.

The reception was nice. Jordan is a lot thinner and Gabe is thicker and Nick still gives amazing hugs. It all went by so quickly; it all ended by 2pm.

After blowing bubbles and cheering everyone on, there was a trip to target. I came away from that with something new:




I think this will help out since I spend so much time sitting on the floor doing things.

Aside from that I'm so far behind on this reading it's ridiculous and to make it worse, this author writes in the most aggravating way sometimes. It's like trying to full sprint through waist-high molasses. Some things are picking up, but I have so much to catch up on still.

At least, being home earlier, I can spend some time to myself. Matt and Phillip want to come over but I don't know if I want to be bothered with that or even singing tomorrow; it's just more stuff I have to deal with when I'd rather not be bothered.

Maybe I should just not be bothered. Meh. Whatever.

Mental Check Out

I'm at the fight right now.

I've spent most of it physically present but mentally checked out.

Around me, people are drinking and cheering and, in some cases, critiquing the fighters and commenting on how much better they would have done in the same circumstances.

Most of this is passed over by me as ignorance.

Matt is texting me about playing Guitar Hero. Each time this has occurred he has somehow managed to moss the date and so we don't play. My texts get no response. My text on subsequent days to reschedule get no response.

Considering that he asked me to be more proactive about inviting him for hangout time to develop our potential friendship, it strikes me as odd that he responds so seldom unless he desires to play at that very moment.

In the end, I'm over caring about it.

Much like everything else right now.

Rickey is about to fight. After this, I will go home. I am glad of that. The walk will be refreshing.

Amazement

What I find absolutely amazing every single moment of everyday is our lack of awareness.

James just asked if I was okay. I haven't been okay for weeks but this is the first time it's ever been asked. I said no. He asked if it was "one of those days". I replied "two or three weeks".

Rickey just said hello and hugged me. He's sans clue as well.

Everyone is.

I don't understand how someone could be so far gone that they are completely unaware of how their actions impact other people. I haven't been okay for a while but today there is sensitivity to that fact.

The sad thing that, I don't wan that sensitivity now. I don't want to be thought of or cared about. Being left alone is just fine. That's what I'm turning into.

Although it shouldn't surprise me, I still find myself shocked when people are so ties up in their own affairs that they lack even the most basic of empathy.

It's not like I'm entirely silent about my issues; they're in some form on facebook twitter and the rest almost all the time and still nothing...

Today is magically different somehow...

Whatever. I'm going to silently supposed Rickey by being here and I am going to enjoy the 3.5 mi walk home later when that time comes.

Now to make it until then.

That Sums It Up

Depression

First: I like the new interface a lot.

Next: I'm tired of feeling alone.

I talked to Polli today, because I'm tired of bottling it all up and trying to just deal with everything. I was going to decide today whether or not we were going to be friends after today and it led to one of the longest talks we've had in a month.

It's in the back of my mind at all times. I'm surrounded by people, but no one is here. I have some relief at work and then I come home, I work on a few projects and then once those are done, I'm alone again. Just me, a book, some music, social media and the moments that move me toward bedtime.

It's not even that I don't want to be alone. I'm just tired of the outside not matching the inside. If I'm not surrounded by people, I can understand being alone; no one is here. On the other hand, having a home with people all over the place only a few feet away and still feeling the way I do makes no sense. I either want to be a part or be away or have them away. There's always the "here/there" dichotomy. It just makes me want to retreat to my room and avoid anything and you know what? I usually do.

One day, I'll reconcile this or it will be the end of me. At this point, I don't mind either way.

Sanquan walks up, asks me to open the door. Why when he could just ask me what he needs to ask? No reason. I oblige.

"Going to Kroger. Want stuff?"
"No..."
"Going to a movie later. You wanna go?"
"....*sigh* okay."
"You okay?"
"I don't know how to answer that."
"It's simple..."
Yes, because you have no problem with telling me how you feel even though you've neglected to talk to me about some of the most painful moments in your last week and usually avoid talking openly about your feelings on a regular basis...
"What you've just asked me is about as simple as writing the full theory of relativity on the end of a pencil."
"You're complicating it though, you could just..."
"I'll pass on this one."
"... okay, then.... Later."
"Later."
*closes door*

If I'm lucky, maybe I'll fall asleep before this movie. I don't think I'll deal well with going to the movies with people I've not heard a word from in weeks and then have to go with them somewhere and pretend to be social when I'm dying on the inside.

I'm going to go read this book now.

Stream of Consciousness

I'm going to post all of the thoughts I've had since returning from vacation along with my experiences. I'm not going to bother with sorting them out or making any sense of what I'm about to write. I'm going to let my mind wander and keep writing until I'm done. When I finish that, I'll just stop writing and click publish. Aside from spelling errors, I will edit nothing.

Begin.

I am so irritated. You would think... I mean, didn't I say that we would go out when I got home. Oh wait, I see. The phone. It's probably a girl. Oh well, happy birthday, anyway, I guess. I hope they get home safe. They're awesome and it was a lot of fun. Dude, you're getting on my nerves and I hate hate hate how much you lie about so many freakin things. How the heck do you disappear for that long and have nothing to say about it? No, I can't ask you. No, I won't ask you. You really should just get over her already, but you won't and I know exactly why you won't and we told you told you told you not to do this, but no. You had to. You had to try. You were so desperate and this is what desperation gets you. What do you mean they have to do that early? Are you serious? Now? Why now? Why is everyone in the family there but me? Oh wait, that's right: work. Freakin' work at a desk in an empty office. What the heck is going on today? I don't know. I never know. Don't you think I should know a little bit more about the progress of impending doom before I'm in the middle of ground zero. I wish people weren't so... you know what, screw it. I'll just move on with my own thing and finding a job. I don't want another job. I want to make my own job, but I have to be able to pay my bills and utilities and all of that. This is annoying and I hate it. I hate it a lot sometimes. Another day alone. Yes, I'm at home. Yes, I'm working. At least I can get paid for this. How do I graft the other two into this? It's time. We have to step up. Now. Right now. Are you freakin' kidding me? Sigh. Whatever. Don't snap at me because you're mad at someone for "being vague" when the fact is that you want to be told everything without thinking for yourself. Isn't this the same crap that you criticize religious people for? You irritate me. Oh, blow up at me? Keep that to yourself because I am not the one. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever... and I will let you know that in full if you say one more word to me. You know what, why don't you talk to me when you're not acting like an angsty teenager... which means you'll not be talking to me anytime soon if ever. You know what? No, having a different opinion does not mean we're fighting. However, when I'm going through all of these emotional things and you decide to explain something to me as if I am stupid or unable to comprehend something about technology when I have studied nothing but that for the last... oh... decade and the mobile platform for the last two and a half, it makes it seem a bit belligerent and I do, in fact, get mad at that. I don't care if you disagree with me; most of my friends do things I don't agree with. They can be womanizing, promiscuous, and selfish at times. They can also be unnecessarily rude or sharp. They come from different religious background or can be militantly atheist. What I don't like is feeling disrespected. I could review the message, but I'm not. The point is that I know what the word mobile means. I know what mobile devices are used for and why and how and all of that. In case we forgot: I write content for a mobile application on three different devices. Whatever, it isn't worth taking the time to explain and I like you most of the time, anyway. At the same time: yes, I will let you know that what was said bothers me. No need to rain down with the :( or T_T or ._. I'm tired of people asking what's wrong. What's wrong is all over the place. What's wrong is all over my statuses and posts you claim to read. If you are asking if I'm okay, I'm probably not, but by the time I take a moment or two to think about it, ultimately, I'm fine and that's where I'm answer from. I'm okay and I will be okay if I'm not right now. At the present moment, I'm irritated and angry and hurt and tired of silence. Silence from people that say "I still respect you and like you and all of that..." Silence from people that I live with. I want to say roommates, but it seems like too much to ask right now. We're just walking by each other and laughing now and then, but we're fundamentally disconnected because of the things we're trying to hold together and not allowing the others to see like, "I'm trying to handle this money stuff, but it's really hard" or "I'm really upset about some stuff and I could use an open ear" Maybe I'm the only one that's sensitive to these things. For the love of God, don't say "I thought you were busy/tired/angry/didn't want to talk" when you could just walk over here and make the effort... I'm twenty feet away from you. Of course I'm mad at you, that's why I paid your phone bill. I'm obviously annoyed at you, so I went on a bike ride with you. That's why I try to speak to you every time I see you. Or message you at random. Obviously, I'm trying not to talk. Maybe I really should try not to talk so people would at least notice the freakin difference. Sigh. I need to sort this stuff. I got through that at least. Why is my monitor doing this right now? I have a logo to design I don't need this right now. At least I did my needed backups. I'm taking this to the shop. Logic board? I hope not. I really hope not. That probably means that's the problem especially considering the discoloration right here. This could NOT have come at a more frustrating time. I don't need this right now. I can use the office laptop until it's back I guess. I'm glad she's ok. I'm glad the baby is okay. I'm glad this baby lived. She's wanted this for so long. Seyvion Shamone. Our family has creative naming all over the place. This makes no sense. I think he'll enjoy the panda. Rather him have it than me. He'll appreciate it more. People should have what they can use and appreciate. I'm going to be home so late, but I need to be here. Who is this? Wow she has two kids? Okay cool. They all look happy. She is in really good spirits. God, I really will do something special because of this. I don't know what yet, but I'm open to suggestions. I'm so glad for praise break music right now. Talking to Michelle was nice. What was Chris doing there? Why did he think I forgot him? I'm the last one to forget. I always am. I'm tired. This drive is so long. Why do I love preachers that people hate? I wish I could write them letters to thank them for all that they taught me and maybe encourage them? Why do christians hate each other so much? We're a family and we're not making it without each other, so it would make sense to love each other and make it out together, not outdo/outrun/outstrip/out-anything each other. I'm not made for this world and I hate that sometimes. It's like God has this spotlight on me and it's frustrating. I feel so fundamentally disconnected from people I want to be most connected to. I feel that separation that we all hate starting to happen here and there and I'm not okay with that. I'm already lonely as it is. Not alone. Never alone. Just lonely. I'm so so so so so so so so so so soooo thankful for youtube it's not funny. I can't even tell people who I really am as a spiritual person and the people who already know aren't saying a word; it's their secret to keep. It also feels like my cross to bear. It's tiring, but not more than I can handle. I got home and saw the guys in the pool. Forget this, I'm going to bed. We're talking and we're laughing and we're not connected. I'm so annoyed. I want to see Men and Timmy. I'm doing it. I did it. It was awesome. I thought about being a prick. I thought about being selfish. Why should I make anyone happy when I'm not even a radar blip. In the end, I took them there. I took them to see their friend who hadn't even been by to see them and has a car that they own. They were happy. Everyone was happy. Really happy. It was nice, just not me. I took them around town and to Chik-Fil-A. I've never seen some people so happy over fried chicken sandwiches, but I'm glad I could buy that for them. I hate money so much. So tired. So sad. So alone right now. Not even in a sea of people... I mean... Nevermind. Skip all that. We went outside and we exercised and we caught up. They've grown. They're making changes. They're becoming better people. It's good news to me. One of them needs a place. The roommates seem to say it's okay pending obvious logistics. Well, alright I guess. Not a big thing in my mind right now, but they're welcome. I took them home and then got a call from the girl that loves to wait until the last minute to ask me to do something. What do you mean "I thought you got off like 6 or something"? I have had the same schedule since February 2010. Why is this so hard for people? Yes, I occasionally work late, but I consistently get off work at 5, get home on the bus at 5:45 and have every weekend off. Come on, son. Nerve-wracking. It's getting to be too much. Too many things depend on me. Rent is due. Utilities are due. My mom needs money for her car payment now because of something with the hospital and, for whatever reason, I seem to be the person to ask. No, Mom, I don't have it. "Well, keep me in mind..." What do you mean? I can't make money just appear at will out of thin air like that. I have bills that I have to pay and then I have to take care of your car I've ridden in like three times in three years. Really? Why don't you ask Clive, he's driving your car. Oh wait, because then I'd be mean and selfish and horrible and... you know what? This isn't your fault. I'm already stressed. You're just not helping at all. I'm calling some people. John and Reza. Definitely them. Maybe a few others. Relationship is intentional. I'm eating oatmeal because I refuse to order out today. I want to watch Fearless. I miss the sand and the beach and the waves. Why did I come home? I have so many projects to do and I'm so far behind. Ugh! At the same time, political lady, what the...? I mean, you email me, you let me know you want a website. If you wanted a free one, you could have asked. You wanted to pay for it, then you change things at the last... Sigh. Whatever. I'm so tired of this. Okay, I have to return the car. Billing stuff sucks. Ale, email me. Write me. Something. At least I got Meredith talking. I hope all of this works out. Finding another job sucks. I'm hopeful, though; I've acquired a lot of neat skills that look good on developer applications. I also applied for something at the tech school here. I don't want to find another job, but I have to be responsible. Suckage. I want my iPod back. Those tweets were so random, but funny. Why can't I just sleep like normal people? Not me, though. I get to go in my room, all lights and computer off and just lie there. I can hear people going to the bathroom and walking and talking and typing and listening to music everywhere and I just lie there. I want to know what having sex feels like with someone that I really love, but at the same time, I'm perfectly fine without it and it hardly ever crosses my mind. This is a complete contrary set of feelings that live in perfect harmony within me like so many other things like that. This is frustrating Most things are frustrating. Why do I bother even trying with most people. Oh, now he wants to apologize for being a jerk before presenting me with yet another problem he has and asking my thoughts about... Whatever, dude. Whatever to almost everything. I want to go to bed and hold something or someone or just go to sleep at least. I can't even watch the movie I wanted to watch because it's not streaming on Netflix this is so freaking annoying, Netflix. Why couldn't you just leave the freakin setup the way it was before? Why is downtown parking $10 and not $8 per day? Why can't they just make it an even $1 per hour. I was only downtown from 9-5 anyway :/ Not like I have to worry about that problem since I took it back, then got James to follow me (thank God he's so amazing sometimes) and then told him to leave me at Avis since they were going to charge 50 dollars for only having half a tank of gas. I'm returning a car, what does it matter how much gas is in it when i can see the gas station a few hundreds yards away?! Are you serious?! Fine. I spent $37.56 on the gas to avoid having it charged to the account. At least the customer service guy drove me back home. Now I'm back to the bus and the bike. Maybe I'll go to the office tomorrow. I just hate getting out of bed. It seems like such a useless thing. I need to exercise... well, more regularly. I guess my 4 mile bike ride last night will keep that up. I finally got a compliment on my body, so I have to keep working out now lol. I didn't even know she noticed. Not that I'm exercising just to be seen but it's a nice perk. I need to parkour more. I'll use my bike for that. There's nowhere to run around here. I miss my crew from way back and I should have gone more. James is home. I think he's -- in a roudabout way -- inviting me to the pool. Well, okay, I guess I can do that. I've been talking to Phil and Mitch for like an hour and some change anyway. I need to go somewhere else and get out of my room. I've gotten nothing done today at all and it's only getting worse. Smh = the definition of my whole week. So much more to write about, but again I don't care. I just don't. I could write about timelines and facebook, and other small things but they don't matter. They just don't. I donated some stuff. I got rid of stuff. My freakin MacBook Pro is dead, but the HD is fine. What the...? And Meredith computer -- the work computer -- has a rootkit virus on a week we're strapped for money as a company branch. Where did this week from hell come from?! I'm not even asking for mercy. I want to punch something or someone, but that won't help. I can't exercise because I've not had a proper meal all day. This is messed up. I can't even ride my bike. I need to cook. Didn't I say all of this earlier? I wonder why Aaron and a few other people on Skype aren't talking. Maybe I should stop caring. Give me a moment.... Okay, not caring anymore. I'll give it a week then push the delete button. Read up on a particular journal. Sometimes, she needs to be hugged. I know she loves the guy, but every time she writes, she's so hurt sad and angry. I don't even know how to feel about them getting married most of the time knowing what I know. Speaking of, dude is getting married in less than a month now. Wow. Whirlwind is not the word. I think he expected me to be more judgmental about it all, but the way I see it, either it will go well or he will learn quick. I'm fine either way, but I hope the aim isn't sex. I've seen that ruin people. I'm looking at you, but you will remain nameless for her sake. I'm tired of writing now.

brothers

I am just not doing well with younger brothers.

:: PRINCE

He came by this friday, no call or anything, to see me. Normally, I wouldn't care, but I've been ill with him for the last month since the last time he and my mom got into a spat and he moved out. That spat had the whole fam mad at him for a while because he was dead wrong. Even worse, he came to ask me for money (which I didn't give him until my mom called the next day and asked me to).

It's been months of me not yelling at him or trying to remove his head from his shoulders as he walks around with this grand sense of entitlement like my mom should just understand if he decides not to call when she asks him to. I call to check in now and then at 29 and I wouldn't think of walking into my mom's house late with prior notice regardless.

Whatever.

:: PERCELL

Remember this conversation? I do. He called and asked if I could talk. I couldn't as I was in Wal-Mart, but even if I could, I don't want to. What would I have to say other than things that, from the last time I read, are unwanted anyway? I ask too many prying questions and all that so whatever. I wish people knew how serious I am when I say I'm done with someone and I'm really done with him for a while. I mean, he's fam -- I can't hate him always, but we're not talking right now and that's that.

weekend and so on...

I took a weekend trip with John, Anna, and Andrea. The experience was quite fun and I got plenty of pictures and posts on twitter and flickr soon to talk about it all. It was a welcome breather from everything.

I got a couple of emails from work that day, one of them from Mer and one from the boss man saying that he'd be in at about 1pm.

Please tell me why he decided to yell at me at 10-something AM today.

Yes, I overslept, but didn't freak out as I would have because, simply put, he had already stated that he planned on being late today.

Okay, fine.

However, as is the usual with him, he realizes that something really important is coming up and when that happens, also as is the usual with him, he panics and yells at everyone which accomplishes nothing except making him look like a jerk.

Whatever. He doesn't care and neither do I. I'll go in, work hard, work late, and go home.

Other than that, is frustration I feel with Phillip. He has all these things he keeps asking me to help him with. The big one being this path of self-realization he's been on a kick about. Okay, so I help him with some exercises to help him see certain things. Then he gets angry and frustrated because he doesn't like what he sees. Then he freely admits things like:

and

... and then asks if I'm free to talk last night. Why would I talk to you if you've already told me that you're not going to listen? I'm more than over that bit of nonsense, thank you. Done with talking to people that consistently don't listen while steadily asking question after question. Really done with that.

Some days, I want to do the right thing, but it seems pointless. Oh well, I'll pack my bags, work out a bit, and catch the bus so I can help boss man with his thing and see what else happens.

[edit]
No he did not just text me while I'm in transit to say "I'll be back in the office after 1PM"! Are you for real, son?! C'mon son!!

A Dark Thought Midday

This week has been rather interesting with three new people visiting: Cory, AJ, and Cameron.

With all of the other interesting bits about them here and there, I find myself entertained this week. James and I are playing a bit of MTG and Rickey and I are talking a lot more often. Sanquan came by and I talked to him a bit before finally drifting off to bed.

Last night and the night before, in a more playful mood, I decided to tickle AJ. The reaction was hilarious. Some time later, he explained that it was a nearly entirely unappreciated action and that he was borderline considering never returning to my home again for that reason. I spent the remainder of my day commenting on me being the supreme evil of the universe.

Now does it bother me that people don't like being tickled? Not at all. People have their things that bother them. What does bother me is:

• extreme reaction 24 hours later

If that is really a reason for you not to return somewhere, then I don't know what to think about that other than being slightly off-put. As I think about this, I think about what I would have lost if he decides never to speak to me again or whatnot. Honestly, not a thing. Not a single thing. After that interaction, I decided to wander upstairs and aggro tweet a bit because a full-blown, "...if that's how you feel, then get out of my house..." would have been inappropriate. Aside from that, if it were something so disliked, this should have been brought up 24 hours previous the first time it happened.

Mind you, I have my wily sides and I occasionally do things that are minorly irritating and if someone doesn't like that particular thing, I don't mind being told "don't do that" in a firm way. What I do not like is going from being told firmly, "I don't appreciate that" to, "I'm not coming back here anymore because..."

There's nothing I dislike more than people trying to hold friendship/romance/connections hostage when trying to encourage or discourage behavior; if you don't want me to do something, then let me know clearly and I won't do it and that's fine, but the whole "If you ____ then I will/won't like/hang out with you" thing? One of the quickest ways to piss me off.

I suppose I'll just leave AJ be and hang out with his friends instead. We'll take a long walk, share jokes and come back from wherever smiling and I'll leave the other one to figure out what's going on because I'll not be explaining anything.

Side note: not swearing is kinda hard when you've been doing so for three years.

thoughtstorm sum-up

Gone rogue. Tweet sent fast. John ran up to catch me. I didn't say much. It's just me now with no direction walking until something happens. I'm at some place that says almost heaven. I'm not sure that's true, but the breeze is amazing and the view is nice minusing the power pole. Looking in the direction I came from, I see low-lying patches of fog/cloud covering distant hills. The breeze continues to cool my skin. I'm almost sure Polli sent John after me. It matters not. Now no one knows where I am save the one man I saw along the road. That makes me happy, oddly enough. I wish for the sunset to remain here longer. To linger so I can stay here. When the night comes, I know I'll have to go back. I don't want to. Not now. The red streaking away from this hill in sunset's final throes makes it look like a volcano. That red streak is long gone, but I enjoyed it.

Someone between the lies, the assholes, the sarcasm, and "don't stand on the freakin lid" I need a moment to clear my mind. The last item was minor at best. I need heartspace. I need people to not be... so many things. I need an escape. A hug. Cuddle time. Solitude. All at once. I don't even want dinner. I am seriously struggling not to sleep as a means to escape my own feelings; it's not a real way out and I want to deal with real, but today is too much. I don't know where all of this is coming from and I hate that most. I don't want this right now. This breeze feels amazing. I'm invisible by choice. The darkness approaches and will soon drive me home. I sigh and ask for a respite. A reprieve. It gets darker. My posts are short since I am texting them in. The clouds take on strange shapes while I'm up here. I'll enjoy this spot a while longer. If darkness claims me, I'll walk home in the dark then. It's so peaceful at the top of this hill just *being*. I want to remain like this always. I really would like to see stars, but it does seem that I'll be allowed that. I walked here with such fervor and now there is despair in every footfall, all of them mine, as I return. Almost Heaven... maybe it was.

I'm back on the porch swing. The journey here was quiet. I got here while being minimally noticed until James came outside to smoke. I miss that hill already. James sings kpop and asks me how I am. I don't know how to answer. John apologizes, but I assure him this isn't his fault. He explains himself. I wish I could. I wish I had a Cassandra Wilson CD. I have a song I want to hear by her.

time for change

Meredith came back into work today and it was like old times. Ale worked in one corner, she worked at her desk and I worked on a project with vigor that I think will probably benefit the company a great deal. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of documentation to write for it.

That's if I can get it done.

I may have to cancel half of my vacation.

It seems that they really have given up, so I will be looking for another job. The good news is I'm not being fired. I guess it's just time for another adventure I suppose. I think it's a blessing that God doesn't allow us to get too comfortable with our lives so as to remove the adventure from it unless we insist on seeking that comfort... that's another story.

I have until September to look, so now I have much to consider.

I was thinking about looking for another job in Athens and maybe that's what will happen, but as I type these words and even think about the process of looking for another job here, I have to wonder about that thought. Namely, what's keeping me here? What is it really? Mostly relationships come to mind, but what does that matter; my friends won't stop being my friends if I move and my family will continue to be my family.

Maybe I should take this time to really think about pursuing the full depth of my passions and move to Japan. Thanks to this job I've had, I've not had to worry about financial issues in quite some time, so my mind, even now, is completely clear to think about all I need to think about for the next two months and with that in mind, I have links to explore, discussions to have, a consulate to possibly visit and so on.

The possibilities are endless.

I will miss:

• the people I have worked with and am thankful for all they did to take care of me as well as they could.
• the content of my work as it was something that I enjoyed. I like technology, I like development, I like reading and researching and studying and connecting and technical writing.
• being downtown so often and getting to know people.

And even so, as I write this, aside from that mild sadness there is with that, I feel mostly nothing. I do wish we had more time to fight; I dislike giving up on things. This will probably settle into a deeper sadness and I will allow that to take its course before I finally right myself.... well, in a manner of speaking.

Sometimes, when you're doing something you enjoy, there's a sense of grief associated with that separation or cessation. That will be me for a while. It's funny though; I'll fight till the last bullet then break out my knife until I looked at Meredith today. It's like it sunk in.

[processing moment, incoming]

I've been watching Ale apply for jobs in some cases, but I never thought about giving up -- really giving up -- until today. He might move back to Italy and Meredith will move back home to be with her family and I will move on to whatever the next adventure is, not knowing where that might take me.

I'd have to laugh and heartily if it were something like church or missionary work considering the side roads I've taken in the last (currently) three years, but I wouldn't put it past God to do that, so if He brings it my way then so be it. For now, I'm thinking that maybe I need to rethink my thinking and let go of "here".

I think I need more time to process this.

[processing moment over]

Phillip is here talking about money and meditation and his experiences of the day. When he approaches me, it is as a student speaking to a master monk in the middle of a moment of deep contemplation. As I write these words, he continues to speak to me not aware of what I write, but only that I write. I don't know how to label that, so I don't. I just keep writing. He asks, I write. He talks, I write. He's hugging me right now, I write.

Writing at this moment seems to be the closest I will get to peace for tonight and these are terms I will have to accept whether liked or otherwise. Today was a lot more draining than originally supposed. I think I'll have a yogurt now.

otherworldly

Today is one of those days that I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that amidst so many other things including - and especially - my own vices, that this is not my home planet.

The wording is weird, but you feel it too. This nagging feeling in the back of your head that you're not from here. You see the interactions of people around you and listen to their words and see how they go about living their lives and all you can think is, "I don't belong here" "I'm not made for this" "When do I get to go home?"

This is where tonight finds me. I'm starting to think that loneliness and "groaning inwardly" aren't so different. I feel lonely because I'm alone. I am alone, not because there is no one around but because there's no one like me around.

There are posers, of course. There always are. People that feel spiritually connected. People who are philosophical. People that feel they have a special empathy or connection or understand of other people, but in the end, they all seem to fall short of being a "suitable helper". A comrade in arms. Someone that gets me and rides my waves and [insert other descriptors here].

I have a few satellites; distant stars that I connect to and it's because of the light from those stars that reach me not and then that keep me from believing that my life here is doomed to complete loneliness. In those people, the sun shines through so strongly that my only desire is to take them into myself so I don't have to be alone.

This may seem a bit odd, but maybe you know how I feel. If you don't, it's fine.

I don't expect you to.

Then again, if you are reading this blog, you might know better than anyone and for that I give you my deepest apologies. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but since you bear it, know that I bear it with you.

grrdammit: guys

Yesterday, I helped Polli with his packing party after he took his parents to the airport. In the meanwhile, I was at home working and the guys decided to throw a BBQ.

Cool. Whatever.

So I'm getting ready to meet up with Polli and everything else and James peeks in to ask if I wanted to invite anyone over. Particularly female friends. By this point, Quan was also at the door. I looked confused and they continued on to state that there were going to be too many guys at the party and Quan puts his two cents by saying that it would be nice to have some girls over now and then.

Reality Checks set in:

1. What the fuck? There are three guys that live here and Quan is not one of them. If you want to be with the ladies, do it at your house or (gasp) go where the fuckin girls are.
2. The girls are important why? This is supposed to be a party. If you wanted to just pick some girls up, go downtown and do it since they'll be at the bar anyway.
3. What's the problem with there being more guys than girls? Horny bastards.
4. Why would I invite my girlfriends here when I know there could only be one reason for you wanting them here at all?

I was beyond pissed that it even came up. I'm so tired of being second best to a vagina. It pissed me off beyond measure and yes, I can make that extrapolation because that is the one time I've ever been asked to invite someone over just because there were too many guys.

It hit way too hard. I thought about every time I've ever heard a friend say, "We should do something..." or "I'm lonely..." or anything like that, I'd offer to be there for them, and they were disappointed or refused to hang out because I'm not a girl. That's happened recently, by the way. I almost cried over that shit, it hurt so bad...

Fuck all of them. I went out with Polli and let the emotions drain away. When I came home, I went straight to my room. One less guy, right?

The next morning, since I knew I would find a mess downstairs, so I headed down and cleaned up all the party mess and dishes and everything else. I walked into two young ladies -- Alex and Kristy (sp) -- that were attendees of the party. They commented that I should have come and said hello and offered to help me clean up. I was polite and introduced myself and went on about cleaning. The guys woke up about 45 minutes later and the girls, who had gone upstairs told them that the downstairs was already clean.

Quan of course popped downstairs and passed his greetings. I didn't want to speak to the guys at all as I was still mad at their bitchassness from the night before. James came down singing and tried to hug me. I just looked at him and kept cleaning. He protested and I ignored him. Another unknown girl came downstairs. I finished the cleaning I was doing and moved upstairs to change clothes before catching breakfast with Polli at WaHo (Waffle House). James mentioned that he wanted to cook out in passing and I commented cursorily that I would be there if I had known beforehand, then walked out of the house.

When I came back, James was in the living room alone. I took a phone call and went upstairs to my room, locking the door behind me, and lay down for a while. I thought about the events of the night before, my thoughts on the guys currently in my life and how I feel about them after that and I'm almost convinced that being close friends with guys in general is going to be a bitch because I hate hate fuckin hate how they treat girls and how they throw people to the side or under the bus over one. Tired of the striving and competition that divides them. I hate how stupid they get over one or two differing body parts and so many other things I don't even want to rehash right now.

At this point, I'm trying to process it all. I could forgive this a bit more easily, but this seems to be tied to their gender which means that, invariably, it will happen again. I have contemplated moving out over this, but that seems foolish and dramatic. I think for now, excepting Rickey, I have a nice-sized list of people I will just have to keep at arm's length after I write them an apology letter from me for not being born with a vag.

unspeakable

Yesterday was a mostly good day. I came to work and had my different projects to work on and such. We talked about vacations and conferences and all of this other stuff.

Middle of the day, Alessio leaves to do stuff and Meredith starts talking to me about all the things she's dealing with and on top of that -- as if to add insult to injury -- my bitch-ass CEO is a sexist prick. Dealing with him puts her under so much stress it is unreal. In the midst of explaining everything, I asked her why she didn't just quit this job. After she answered, she simply shut her computer off and walked out of the office for the day.

I just sat here in the office, silent, absorbing it all. This is the one time I have ever hated working for this company. As I've stated before (and if I find the entry, I'll link you), this woman has looked out for me and done so much that I can't even adequately thank her for and yet she is treated like this. It took a lot for me not to quit my job. My friend told me not to let it get too much to me, but if this was a battle I needed to fight, then he would be right there with me.

I thought about it all the way home. Do I want to keep working here seeing that? I can't un-see it. I can't pretend it's not a problem. Alessio came back. I packed up at 5 and went home. I told him I was leaving. He said I sounded sad and asked if I was upset. I said, "No, I'm just tired." Yeah, I lied. I just couldn't tell him what I was really thinking at the time and moreover I needed more time to think myself.

I got home, walked around the apartment, talked to Polli for a bit about the situation and tried to leave it be for a while. I washed the dishes and Holli came over to play with the kids and all of the craziness of the day was soon forgotten for a while. It was nice and I took (and received pictures).

John and Josh wanted to hang out today. I wonder how that will go...

I'm still thinking about Brandon. I hope he's being strong where he is. Polli doesn't understand why Brandon sees me as a bad influence in his life. I don't either, but he is doing what his faith asks of him and I explained that it's not something that I have to understand... and I don't. Some parts of faith are beyond logical comprehension. "Le coeur a raisons que raison ne sait pas" I believe is the phrase.

I chilled with Polli and talked. He spent the night over. Ricky came back to the house and told us about his night out and so many other things and we all laughed and youtubed and listened to music.

Small minimalism bit, tho: I took a lot of clothes and coats out of my closet. I gave anything I had two of to Polli and gave Rickey a bunch of t-shirts as well and a belt. Why? I don't need it and I don't wear it really, so why have it? I feel better already as I was scrounging for momentum in the first place. It felt good to feel like I was moving. In that process, I found out Polli wants to go shopping with me.

Yes, please and thank you.

That night, because I wasn't bored, I left my laptop on the desk...

...and now, having prepped for the movers, I will go get coffee.

saying goodbye

You know what: I don't say "goodbye". I learned when I was younger that one should only say goodbye if they knew in their hearts that they would never see that person again. Hold on to this concept; you'll need it for the rest of this entry.

Over the last few days, Brandon has been popping up here at the house as I have mentioned before. If you'll remember in an earlier entry, I mentioned this:

Brandon and I talked the other day. He was talking about some of his struggles with things and he pointed out that sometimes being in certain environments made it hard for him to fight off certain temptations.

He then went on to talk about this ministry he was very interested in being involved with. The way he described it was beautiful. He was thirsty for it. He felt like it would straighten up and maintain his integrity more easily. After that, he explained that, if he were to pursue that -- if he were to change his life, he would have to give up a lot of things. One of those things might be our friendship.

I looked at him, and thought, then said this: don't let our friendship be an excuse for not pursuing something you are passionate about. Your passion is the only way to escape this mess. If this is the way God has given you to change things, then do it and stop making excuses. I might hate it, but I won't die. He can go his way if he needs to. If it gains him anything in Christ, then my friendship is a small sacrifice to make.

I had thought about this for some time, but tried to not let it get to me. I just couldn't shake it, though, and with every visit it got worse.

Tonight, he sat down and talked to me about American Idol auditions on youtube and stuff on facebook and Charlotte Church and in the middle of that, after explaining that I have no malice toward him or anything, asked him why he was here. I pointed out the above quoted stuff and he started to talk.

He felt he was compromising. That he couldn't pursue the life he spoke to me about. That he had to put up a front and make people happy and put himself in situations that weren't congruent with his faith. I talked to him about this for a while and asked him question after question, digging to the root of all of these things:

• why would you text me and ask to come over knowing you shouldn't be here?
• why would you be here if God Himself has let you know in whatever way that you shouldn't be?
• why aren't you doing what you need to do in order to pursue Him more closely?

I told him that he needs to learn how to put one foot in front of the other and not turn his head to see what he's leaving behind him because that's the truth; for those that pursue God, there is nothing behind you that will ever be better than what lies ahead, so heads should never turn back. We're human and I get that, but even so, you have to keep moving. The christian life, whether is it ran, walked or crawled has to be lived with courage and it is this that he lacks. I pointed this out. He has to go forward with courage into his passion for Christ and nothing short of that will complete his goals.

I listened to his point of view -- namely that I was hard for him to let go of -- but I made it clear that, no matter what manner of life I seemed to be living, that it is my clear intent to point others to Christ at all times or at least as often as I can. Period. He was no different. The goal of his life is not to please others or myself but God. I will not have to answer for his disobedience and furthermore, I did not want his disobedience or any compromising to be on my head. I told him, in no unclear terms that if God asked him not to be here, that he shouldn't have texted me to come over. Period. I asked him why he did it. I waited for an answer. I told him that he can't go back and forth with this; he has to make a decision and stick to it.

After a while of this exchange, I finally let all of it process. I asked him if he needed to pray about this situation again and wait for the peace of God to clear this up. He said he was sure. I told him that he needed to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving then. With that, he got up and said, "I guess I need to give you a proper goodbye then..." and he got up to do that. As he hugged me, I prayed for him and mentioned a few specifics:

• that peace and happiness follow him as he obeys God
• that he has the courage to cut things out of his life that are bigger than God
• that he has the courage to remove relationships and distractions from his life that don't fuel his passions
• that he find the courage to do the right things even when they don't feel good
• that he find the courage to not turn his head once he starts moving where God wants him to go
• that he finds the courage to obey God without hesitation

With that, I said goodbye. Goodbye and not "I'll see you around". Not "later". I threw in that maybe God would allow us to meet again -- and He might -- but it won't be for a while if Brandon pursues this road. I don't know how much of God this is and how much confusion this is, but I can only encourage him to obey God and walk forward in the truth he has been shown as boldly as he can manage.

Mind you, Brandon isn't a bad person. He's not horrible. He's not trying to be manipulative as far as I can tell. "The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

So, goodbye again... and probably for the rest of this side of life.