time for change

Meredith came back into work today and it was like old times. Ale worked in one corner, she worked at her desk and I worked on a project with vigor that I think will probably benefit the company a great deal. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of documentation to write for it.

That's if I can get it done.

I may have to cancel half of my vacation.

It seems that they really have given up, so I will be looking for another job. The good news is I'm not being fired. I guess it's just time for another adventure I suppose. I think it's a blessing that God doesn't allow us to get too comfortable with our lives so as to remove the adventure from it unless we insist on seeking that comfort... that's another story.

I have until September to look, so now I have much to consider.

I was thinking about looking for another job in Athens and maybe that's what will happen, but as I type these words and even think about the process of looking for another job here, I have to wonder about that thought. Namely, what's keeping me here? What is it really? Mostly relationships come to mind, but what does that matter; my friends won't stop being my friends if I move and my family will continue to be my family.

Maybe I should take this time to really think about pursuing the full depth of my passions and move to Japan. Thanks to this job I've had, I've not had to worry about financial issues in quite some time, so my mind, even now, is completely clear to think about all I need to think about for the next two months and with that in mind, I have links to explore, discussions to have, a consulate to possibly visit and so on.

The possibilities are endless.

I will miss:

• the people I have worked with and am thankful for all they did to take care of me as well as they could.
• the content of my work as it was something that I enjoyed. I like technology, I like development, I like reading and researching and studying and connecting and technical writing.
• being downtown so often and getting to know people.

And even so, as I write this, aside from that mild sadness there is with that, I feel mostly nothing. I do wish we had more time to fight; I dislike giving up on things. This will probably settle into a deeper sadness and I will allow that to take its course before I finally right myself.... well, in a manner of speaking.

Sometimes, when you're doing something you enjoy, there's a sense of grief associated with that separation or cessation. That will be me for a while. It's funny though; I'll fight till the last bullet then break out my knife until I looked at Meredith today. It's like it sunk in.

[processing moment, incoming]

I've been watching Ale apply for jobs in some cases, but I never thought about giving up -- really giving up -- until today. He might move back to Italy and Meredith will move back home to be with her family and I will move on to whatever the next adventure is, not knowing where that might take me.

I'd have to laugh and heartily if it were something like church or missionary work considering the side roads I've taken in the last (currently) three years, but I wouldn't put it past God to do that, so if He brings it my way then so be it. For now, I'm thinking that maybe I need to rethink my thinking and let go of "here".

I think I need more time to process this.

[processing moment over]

Phillip is here talking about money and meditation and his experiences of the day. When he approaches me, it is as a student speaking to a master monk in the middle of a moment of deep contemplation. As I write these words, he continues to speak to me not aware of what I write, but only that I write. I don't know how to label that, so I don't. I just keep writing. He asks, I write. He talks, I write. He's hugging me right now, I write.

Writing at this moment seems to be the closest I will get to peace for tonight and these are terms I will have to accept whether liked or otherwise. Today was a lot more draining than originally supposed. I think I'll have a yogurt now.