Confessions of My Own

1. I've not thought about kissing anyone very often, but I thought about kissing you for two weeks before the day we broke up.
2. If I could have chosen my first, you would have been it.
3. When I tell someone we broke up, they ask why. I still don't know.
4. This usually causes a variety of negative reactions, all of which I bring to an immediate halt. I will not let anyone speak ill of you and especially not in ignorance.
5. When I take my morning walk to work and hit a song that reminds me of you, I run into an invisible wall of intense emotions. I acknowledge them and let them run their course, then I keep going. I imagine at that moments that you may be doing the same thing.
6. Some days, I think about the flow of evens leading up to this moment and wonder if I can love anyone with what was left afterward. Other days, I wonder if my ability to love people so evenly leaves everyone on the same plane.
7. You've taught me that no one wants to be on the same plane.
8. I'm not one to go on a tirade about women, men, and friendzones. After this, I'm still not. There is something about that that makes me feel wonderful. I know that, in the moments where it is just me and my own thoughts, I believe down to the core that being with you for the time we were together was a privilege and never a right. I was blessed with you; graced with you.
9. When it rains, I want to walk outside with you. Still.
10. I walk a little bit slower when the stars are out and I'm more appreciative of warmer climates.
11. I'm not sure what being true to myself will bring me over time, but you've confirmed that I really believe it is worth what it brings me and that I will never do otherwise. Thank you.
12. I still listen to love songs like this one. It is always a pleasant memory. I never meant a word I said less and somehow nothing changed those feelings. If anything, they are crystallized.
13. Some days, I'm not sure if this is a dam waiting to break, but if it does, you'll be the first to know.

About Me, About Her

It's been a while since I've written now and, when last I wrote, I had hoped to have a companion.

I have one now.

It was years of seeds planted in small deeds and kindnesses with no particular end goal, but it all feels so sudden and every day finds me trying to put words to all of it. I am so grateful. Her name? Well, I call her Jazz. There's a story to that. :)

If I had to tell the story, it would sound like a rom-com. In essence, it is beautiful and regal and spiritual and full of handwritten letters.

I have asked to be smitten and I couldn't have a more resounding response than this.

Aside from that, I've been sorting through things with work, home, and life.

At home, I have Morgan, Quan, and Ben. Things are hard all over. Morgan is depressed for a number of reasons. I get it, but I don't. He's wasting his life and he won't - or maybe can't - avail himself of anything he knows or that I would happily share in order to change his circumstances.

Quan is where he is and trying to move forward. We've not spoken in a while and probably won't for longer still. One night, as he was putting on clothes, a friend of his asked him to go out. This friend asked me to help encourage him to go out. Instead of Quan saying, "Marquis, I really don't want to go out. Please change subject..." or a similar thing, he makes an effort to spite me by stating that if he goes, I have to go.

So I prepped myself and went. While we are driving to the bar and as we arrive, he asks if I'm okay. If something is bothering me. I say nothing and sip on a drink. He then says that he intentionally brought me out to the bar in an attempt to cause me pain. Out of something that borders on malice. I am his friend; I thought I was. Then this happens.

There are a lot of things for which I have patience and tolerance and maybe more than I should in a few areas, but the one thing I will not abide is someone in my life that causes me pain while calling me friend. I've not shared a thought with him since that day. I'm vaguely aware of what he does and how he is; just enough to keep the bills paid.

I hear he's been asking about me to see how I'm doing. He'll only ever get that information, in brief at best, from me; I refuse to share myself with people that intentionally wound me. It wasn't even that big of a deal, but the fact that he would try to hurt me on purpose is unforgivable for me.

Ben has been at the house for about 3 months. Nearly four now. In that time, he's made several bad decisions and very few, if any, good ones. In spite of my willingness to help him and the effort I've made to demonstrate that willingness, he is not interested in changing his situation. Now that he's been there long enough for me to demonstrate my patience, I am going to have to have him move. I care about him, but he isn't moving forward or growing and lately, not even respecting the space he's in: the living room.

Dishes on the floor, dishes in the sink. I keep having to remind him to clean them. I know he's going through a hard time and that time will be very long for him, but I can't keep making excuses for the nonsense he does.

At work, recently they've set a path for the kinds of help we need. The company has finally grown beyond our ability to manage it well so we're hiring new salespeople. I was approached yesterday about a position which includes both development and project management. To say the least, I'm very happy about it and I look forward to what is to come in this respect.

Going back to Jazz: she'll be here in 3 weeks. I'm not even excited; that's an inaccurate word. It is a settled peace. A knowing that, when she arrives and I can see her smile, talk, or just give her a hug, that I can relax. It is hard to explain apart from there. I can simply let out a long sigh and relax. I look forward to the peace we will bring to each other in 8 days from now.

Minds and Rooms

My bedroom is a very special, sacred, quiet place. When I walk into it, I relax, sit down, and start perusing things casually. I contact friends. I make the occasional phone call. It is my sanctuary.

That said, there are corners where things are, by my standards, really messy. There are books there that aren't being read - even though I want to read them on some level - because I simply lack the motivation by the time I get home from work. Art and so on are on a similar plane.

This is where I wonder what statement this makes about my life. I keep it neat most of the time, but I don't have the motivation at times to keep it tidy or as least as tidy as my standards demand. That has interesting side effects, but I don't know how to name them all because they are both innumerable and small, but pivotal.

Such is the way of any small thing.


Then there's the concept of me. I'm defined in a lot of ways, but I do wander back and forth about sex and sexuality. It's just complicated for me and the one solid thing I come to is that, if I am to be with someone, that I could simply meet someone and commit to that one for real. There's a lot of things happening and that process is what it is; it cannot be sped up. This is perfectly fine, but some days, I just want someone to come along and we be so smitten with each other that I close the book.

The thing is, I'm good at closing doors after I make decisions; I don't like plan B's. The thing is, I have the world open to me and no reason to close it. Not in a romantic sense. Not yet. If I am reading the signs right, though, things are certainly developing and I'm very excited about it, but it is still not the time to jump.

However, when I do make that jump, it will be without a parachute. When I am into someone, I am into them and that is the end of it. Burn the books. Close the doors. Delete the numbers. Let the party commence. No pause, no trepidation.

We have a world to explore and I finally have someone I can count on consistently being able to explore it with.

The thing is, it could be anyone or any gender for that matter.

That is one of the weirdest things that I have to explain. I identify as a straight, heterosexual male, but then there is trying to figure out what my attractions mean. I am drawn to personalities. For me, gender doesn't really exist in terms of limits to attractions. Essentially, although I imagine that I will marry or date a girl, I could just as easily date a guy and be okay with it because of how I process things. Here's a list of things I'm attracted to:

• a sharp mind
• a playful personality
• subtlety
• openness
• mirth

It's a long list of things like this that aren't gender-specific. I've never had the guidance growing up to be told "this is the lane you stay in and here's why", so I have had to figure out a lot on my own. That's been good in that I had to figure things out on my own, but that also makes a mess of things. I've found what I like, but I've not tied it to a specific gender because I was never told that this was a necessary thing. This is hard for people to fathom.

I can imagine that this is a scary thing for anyone I might date because we tend to associate attraction with gender; people are either gay, straight, or bisexual where each of these are defined by attraction to gender. I don't really have an attraction like that. The good news is that, if I like you, I really like you and they are for reasons that only barely touch on appearance. On the other hand, every person likes to think they are special and get concerned that I could just as easily find a person likable in one gender as another. This is hard to comprehend and I get that, but I'm not going to lie to you to make you feel better if you ask me what I think about things like this.

This also means that I'm in for a lot of pain because, much like every other area of my life, this is fraught with misunderstandings about how this functions and why.

Whatever. I have to live my life and give a full account for it.

I was talking to someone a few weeks ago and they wondered if I was flirting with things I don't understand. My response? Welcome to life. I don't understand a lot of things that I pursue, but I pursue them because I think the lesson and experience is worth that effort.

Meh, the person that catches me is in for it. How much better could it be than to be with someone who is in love with your very soul. Physicality comes and goes, but you are always you and that is what - or rather whom - I will love.

I'll make other entries for my thoughts, but this stands alone. Not that this is original really, I've written about this before.

6luh

I don't think I'm even going to try to title this.

Yesterday, I came home to a house that read in the 50s inside. Mind, I'm wearing shorts. All of my pants are in the dirty clothes hamper and I am wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. I turned on the heater after not having it on for a few days and got under a blanket as I was not doing anything to generate body heat.

Enter roommate who comments about me being under a blanket to which I respond, "I'm under the blanket because I am cold." At this point, the roommate decides to go "But you said you weren't really bothered by this since you're from New York and all...."

Really? This shady so-and-so. I let him have the whole chunk of my mind on that response to which he stammers in frustration about semantics and then walks away. I am not dealing with this nonsense. He had no reason and definitely no right. He asked me to go somewhere yesterday, but I think I'll stay home after that bit.

Friday, I went to E-Town's and visited for a bit. It was nice to see everyone there, hear all the birthday well-wishes and just enjoy people that enjoyed me even as I drifted off to sleep for a while.

This week otherwise has been silence on one side and work-related drama on the other. The company we were working with and getting office space from has shut down and because of all the foolery, we're moving to another office space. It's sad; at the core of all of this nonsense is just knowing that it is basically the ending of years of friendship. Just like that. The final string is broken and there will be no repairing it. I just can't.

My art classes are coming well and maybe I'll post a picture or two related to this.

Things at home are things. I keep my distance for the most part. Things between Morgan and I are just... I don't know. We're okay. We're not okay. We're angry at each other. We're drifting? I don't even know and I don't know how to even start to figure it out and don't know if I should even care enough to try. I want to on a lot of levels, but I'm annoyed right now and maybe I should revisit this when I'm not. On an objective view, this is not going well.

In other developments, I'm still trying to feel my way around this thing and that in terms of romantic dealings. What I am willing to do and what I am not. I'm writing letters to Mims on a regular and, while I'm not clear on what that will or won't evolve into, I enjoy it now.

My mini-fridge broke, I got video games and anime, I got some new furniture.

And with that report, I'm off to Vana'diel to do whatever I'm doing instead of reading or working or drawing.

Later.

Playlists and Peace Forgone

I'm thinking through the last few weeks of my life and thinking about how some of the most unexpected things have happened. People can't keep hands to themselves. I am watching the disintegration of years of relationships. I am accosted for being a bad friend and letting someone die.

Amid this, I'm caring less and less. I see things sharpening to a point, but I don't know what weapon is being made. I just find myself being more and more comfortable with the idea of being alone every day.

Then Mims called. I did so enjoy that conversation. It seems I need to save the date for April 5th.

Reconciliation

So this. I've been watching this and things like this for about a week. It's put a lot of things into perspective for me as I've sifted through more than a few intense emotions this week.

Seeing this punctuated the fact that I miss the feeling of being genuinely treasured by someone, that being mutual, and that being very well communicated.

And maintained.

And enjoyed.

Ugh the enjoyment is the biggest one. I am weary of looking at things like JD and Turk from Scrubs and finding myself jealous, sad, and so on instead of welling up with gratitude for the people in my life that are like that. What would I need to do to find it?

Does this mean that I don't have people in my life like that? No. It does mean that I don't feel that there are and I've needed that feeling this week because - without mincing words - God is non-corporeal. I want a hug. I want someone to talk to. I want to communicate in a meaningful way about what I feel and get some things out of my system. None of that is happening. I'm not willing to after... well, quite a few things and events.

Then I look through youtube, see this video here, and think about all the people I miss and wish beyond wishing that I could get this kind of thing. These people love each other and have been through a lot together (they're brothers here, but it's similar in the friend videos). When they meet, the rest of the world, for a few precious moments, is on-hold around them. They love each other and waste no time in expressing that as exuberantly as possible. This is fueled by a number of factors (e.g.; the amount of time they've been apart and the fact that they aren't sure if there will be another chance to express those feelings), but it still sits there. Just raw, passionate love with no regard for who sees or how inconvenient it might be or where they are or who is around.

There's laughing, there's crying, there's a bunch of feelings that make that relationship real and each person lives all of those feelings. I want that. I want to embrace my friends and find myself feeling just a little more alive for it. I want... no need that in my life right now. I find myself wishing for the relationships of past years over this, but I don't have those or that time. I have now.

What do I do with that?

Past Tense

You know, when I think about it, I'm going to spend a lot of time this year writing about things in past tense. Especially relationships. I already got a taste of this last night when I went out to dinner with a friend.

I thought you two were friends. I did, too. I'm sure we were.
I thought you liked each other. We did.
I thought we were close. We were.
I thought I could trust you. You could before.

I'm already tired and upset thinking about it and yet it stands before me as inevitable as Monday coming tomorrow morning.

On days like today, I really wish that I could die in my sleep and just be done with this. I'm tired, tired, tired of all of this and it won't get better.

I have to wonder if part of my word for the year being "Stay" was to stand back and watch people just walk out of my life or drop off of the planet. That has to be the only reason considering what I'm seeing now. In the end, I'll just do what I've always done: keep going like nothing is bothering me and attempt to save or salvage nothing.

Things I Don't Like

Before I start writing, allow me to say that I am very angry - not upset, but angry - about the topics I am about to express. That said, I've decided to express myself without cursing in the writing.

My mind is another matter, of course.

First thing: I am angry with the decisions James is making. He has a new girlfriend. In mere moments, he's already fallen into foolishness related to this girlfriend. He had a dog. This dog is a puppy. He was simply going to "get rid of" the dog because the new girl he likes stated she liked pitbulls more than the breed he had. 

Are you kidding me?

He totally went for it. If not for his roommate taking a liking to this puppy, this puppy would have been without a home. Just because of the opinion of one girl. I cannot express my displeasure with this in strong enough words. Moreover, his relationships are being rent into tatters. Does he care? No. Not at all. No texts, no contact, nothing. He's also dropping long-time friends because his new girlfriend demands this. I'm not a fan. It was not long ago that he had a girlfriend that had him give up all of his friends. Three years max. It seems he has seen much in that time, but has learned nothing. So he goes about burning bridges knowing that he will need them in the future. There is no one worth chasing at the cost of all of your previously existing relationships. Period.

Second thing: I am angry at Morgan for lying. He stated he would be studying this weekend. I asked what. I note that my gift is discernment (among others); I understand the truth and it doesn't take long for me to pinpoint a lie. He's studying. I ask what. No response. This happens for a while. He's avoiding the subject. He simply states he has a lot of books that he wants to study. It irritates me because my... friend (?)... of multiple years (now 5) continues to be vague and circumspect with me knowing that (1) I dislike it and (2) I will find out anyway because someone else in the circle will slip up or God will simply just reveal the truth of what's happening; most times without my even asking.

He's been going through decisions with spiritual things. He's decided for the moment - I don't know how long - to pursue a Wiccan path. I have spoken to him about this. He knows enough to make decisions for himself. He left work because of an anxiety attack related to this about which I said, "You need to consider what is happening as a warning; your choices are not without consequences."

Instead of telling me what he was doing plainly, I had to just know somehow. It offends me that he's not directly truthful. It offends me that I have to rely on the Holy Ghost to reveal to me what should not even be kept hidden in the first place. I'll be praying about this later once I can get myself together, but right now, I'm just angry and hurt that I'm being lied to by my friend. What friend lies to you outright? Ducks and hides? Isn't truthful?

I'm mad that I even have to ask.

So tonight, I made my anger known. I simply stated I'm angry. I will probably be so for days. I don't know how long and I don't even know if there will be a relationship when this anger passes because I just don't feel like being friends with people that can't be honest right now. I can't.

Under this night sky

I don't know what to title this and maybe I'll title it later, but for now I need to get these words out: I miss you.

I really wish you were here. I want to hold you in my arms and talk into the night about anything, everything, and nothing as we drift off into our dreams. You would be my last thought, I would be yours, and we would both be thankful to God for that fact.

I've not really thought about you until now, but now you're often in my thoughts. Some days, you're my only thought. Tonight, you're looking at the same sky, maybe wondering where I am or if I am; I've certainly thought the same a time or two.

Maybe we've met and maybe we haven't, but I can't be sure.

What I am sure of is that you are somewhere right now, hoping that someone comes for you in all of your strangeness and is willing to not only stick around, but truly enjoy and share that weirdness with you. Someone that you could share everything with and that would share everything with you in return. You deserve that and so do I, but we're still waiting on each other.

At least, I'm waiting on you. I could easily.... erm... entertain myself, but it never seems worth it when I think about what I'm saving to give to only you when I finally can.

That said, it's a very real possibility that, in my preserving myself for you, I might not ever meet you and I suppose I've made my peace with that. However, I miss you right now.

And as I type, maybe somewhere under this clear, cold night sky, you miss me, too and you've called me to your side hundreds of times.

I'll Be Writing More

...but before I get that, allow me to savor 2013 just a little longer. This year has been marked by pain I still struggle to fully describe, but I'm in no hurry for time or anything to hurry forward or progress. I guess it's the minimalism I've lived for about two years now; the simpler I've become, the less I've wanted.

My wants and needs and even goals for next year are simple, few, and concrete. I'll list them another time. For now, what I'm thinking is about what will happen next. I will visit friends, come home, sleep and simply try again tomorrow.

Yay for grand plans.

And so...

I find myself a muddle of differing thoughts that I don't feel the need to edit.

I think about you, time and time again, asking me for my heart. I ponder this request going back and forth between anger, outright confusion, and hope. Then you disappear. "You don't text me. You don't call me. We don't really hang out. Why not?" We don't make the effort. That's why. "But I want to."

I hug you and we reset our attempt to be reconciled. However, I still refuse to make this easy for you although I have been willing to make it easier in general. It's been nice and it's not impossible, there's just work to be done; I can't just give this to you.


That reminds me of another person that, thanks to some conversations, I realize is in the same city as me and has not visited. I'll leave that casket closed.


And then there's this one person I continue to argue with daily. Daily. Recently, I just respond, without a single moments hesitation, with all appropriate hostility because I'm weary of being guilt-tripped by someone that believes themselves to be intellectually superior to every person on the planet. It's tiring and I'm over it.


My work days are ridiculous. They are rarely slow and that is what is unfortunate about them. I am up to see bits of the waking of the world, then I spend the day talking to people about software. After hours of this, the world begins to rest and I go home.

As I spend my day, I think of building, drawing, travelling, and creating and I wonder where I will be able to make time to do any of it. Then I smile and remember my 3 year promise to myself.

I find myself still unable to create the quiet I need. I'll simply have to work this out somehow. I'm thinking that I want to start waking up earlier in my day so I have time to think and reflect and enjoy quiet and read. Actually, I'm mostly looking forward to reading, truth be known. 

Forgotten Star

It was sudden. I simply did not see the moment that I would give up on the connection, but I suppose I am long past wishing on stars and against all hope that magic occurs.

Then you said ZER★ and I just didn't know how to respond until yesterday.

Sad. Painful. Relieving? I don't know if I have the words, really. It's the feeling of letting go. It is an empty feeling. I can't even say I feel loss as much as I feel what could have been turning into what will never be.

I will never have adequate words for this and I'll never get used to it no matter how much I believe I will.

Then you mentioned matching tattoos. How could I when they don't even mean what they used to. Nothing means what it used to between us anymore it seems. At least, that's how I feel some days. Other days, I'm sure that I'm willing to keep fighting, but other days... I just don't know.

Uncanny Connections or Of Boys and Men

At the moment, my boss is across the desk and I have a small pile of things to work on and work out. These things are urgent things.

However, they simply are not important. This is.

Work has been weird. One day, I sat in a sunlit room and wondered aloud "What's wrong here?". As if in immediate response to the question, a cloud passed under the sun leaving me in shade for about five minutes. It seems to be the very definition of what has happened here in the background. It is saddening. This office used to bustle with people. Now, I'm lucky if I hear three voices, other than my own, in a week.

On another occasion, I sat down to ponder music I was going to delete. To arm myself against the excuses I would come up with, I reminded myself: having enjoyed this music, I need not keep it on my iPod. It is perfectly fine for me to enjoy this later whenever I might hear it. This sound doesn't have to be in my pocket. It's not that I dislike it, but that I've outgrown it. 

Then I kept thinking and people started coming into the thought. This was unexpected and put me into an odd, but pleasant emotional/mental state. I don't know what to make of it, yet, but I think it's a time of beginnings. There will be more than a few endings I'm sure, but it's not that I'm losing. Rather, I'm trading up.

Sunday, I wanted to hang out with a friend. Her kids were supposed to be with their dad, but he never came for them, so she explained that she couldn't go out with us because of this. I adjusted my plans and decided to go with them to the park. In no time, they were running around. They followed my every command without question. One of them likes my little pony, but was afraid to admit it until I told him I already knew and it was okay that he likes my little pony.

His favorite character? Rainbow Dash.

Afterward, I took them to get chicken nuggets and went back home with them where we talked for a few hours with their mom. During that time, their dad called. I could see her pain. I'm so glad she met the person she's dating now (his name is Fred; he was at work during all of this otherwise he would have gone himself). It will save these boys for just a little bit. Listening to her and seeing the boys and how they are, they crave a dad. A man to follow. She was so sad and feeling terrible as a mom because she couldn't give them that, but finally they can have it and the difference is dramatic. I see them fumbling for their sense of self and who they are at the age of four and their dad – the one from whom this sense of self is derived – had every excuse not to give them that.

I am their future without that and one of the better ones. There's nothing to help with a wound like that except a dad. There just isn't, but at least I'm part of that solution. I'm thankful.

I went to a place I hadn't been in a long time because of my last memory there. I took that morning walk there to make new memories. It was an enjoyable experience to do this and I feel that I will be doing this more in the future.

I spoke to Morgan yesterday. We seem to do a really good job at misunderstanding each other. Everything I say to him is weird or confusing. Here's an example:
----
me: would you like some water?
deer-in-headlights look
me: this is funny, to say the least.
morgan: what?
me: i've never had someone look so confused by a simple offer of water.
morgan: well, i was just lost about where were you getting water from.
me: there's a mini-fridge behind me.
morgan: but how would i know you had water there?
me: where else would i offer you water from?
morgan: i'm used to getting it from the sink.
me: i think i'm just off-putting to you.
morgan: what? i was just confused because i'm used to getting water from the sink.
me: i'm almost positive if your mom had asked if you wanted water, she'd have gotten "yes" or "no. you just looked at me like a grew a horn.
blank look
----
I just stared at him for a while. I only have so many things I can say about this, but it just comes down to laughing at the inevitable, I guess.

Cycles, Silence, and Work

I had a semi-emotional moment after Morgan and I had a long talk about things and how we are and how we should move forward. While it seems that we can agree that we want to move forward together as friends, we cannot comes to terms on how to treat each other. As such, we had a small, silent spat on Sunday and we've not spoken more than a few texts since then.

He didn't come home yesterday, so I didn't get to speak to him about it last night.

The texting in general is a microcosm of what the actual problem is:

• Something bad happen.
• We note this.
• I want to speak about it. He does not.
• I bring this up.
• Missed communication. Mixed Communication. Bad communication. No communication.

It's just all very trying, but ultimately it will be okay. I will be comforted and, depending on how things go, he will be without me as a friend.

What I've told him, and others, and what is consistently not taken seriously, is that I am a lot better at letting people go lately and it is so much easier to do that than forgive. The truth is, where I am now, I don't want to be bothered with people that don't seem to make the effort to either not hurt me or make things right in short order when they do. I'm not asking for more than the basics of not being an asshat and I'm neither going to beg nor fight for it. 

Not anymore.

On another note, work seemed to be divinely inspired yesterday. I don't even know where that came from....

...okay, I kinda do. I prepped a lot of things the day before to make sure everything was clear for Monday. That still doesn't explain the kind of high I was on that day or on Sunday. Seriously, I just had this intense focus for no reason and so I pointed it toward my work stuff and ran with it. I got done in hours what it took weeks to do. At least, that's how it felt.

It was great. Everything was in order and easy to clearly report on. Nothing in my box, nothing my boss could complain about. He even had an especially pleasant commentary on my work. When it comes to work, I really enjoy making this guy happy. More than my clients, his words and approval mean a lot to me. It was nice hearing him say, "You have a bit of growing to do, but, overall, I am very impressed with the way you have handled things while I was on vacation..."

That really made my day.

This week is just a lot of gogogogogogogo, but I think I'm going to be okay as long as I keep going.

Not the Easiest

If you thought repairing this would be simple, I guess that was your mistake. It will take a while to undo all of this. The fact is, I've spent a long time now being and doing without you and reintroducing yourself will not suddenly undo that.

Yes, when I am in the midst of the actions, I feel them to be as normal and natural as can be, but I've lost the inclination to initiate them now. If you ask me what my plans are, I'll just tell you and go on without you. I planned to get dinner and have a beer. If you want my time, you'll have to be more intentional about it.

If you aren't, I'll just spend it with people that I've filled my life with in your absence. Simple as that.

Extra Time Needed

I once used to both enjoy and curse the fact that my heart was so resilient; it could take the worst of what some people had to offer and keep on loving without even really needing time to adjust.

However, I find that, these days, I can do no such thing. Not at easily as I once did. Not easily at all, actually.

I don't like this.

As I tried to post from my phone earlier:

I remember when I wanted to love hard and be the affectionate one. Now, I don't know how to start. What happened to the time when I wanted to love always?

I really do wonder in part. In part, however, I know that this is me letting the harsh realities of this life gain a bit more ground than they should. I let them win and I've learned to love less and save myself. I learned a lot this year, actually.

Learning is well and good and wonderful, but dear God what did it cost me in return? These lessons can go back where they came from. They really can.

Now, a friend of mine wants to make amends. He tries. He fails most times, but he honestly tries. At the same time, when he says he wants to hang out or that he loves me, I wish it weren't so hard to give it back to him, but I just can't.

This sucks.

The Silence

I really don't know how many times I've used this title before, but I guess it doesn't matter right now.

I sit here in this chair at about 9:15AM. The weather outside is warm and partly ominous; rain and storm will be here soon enough. There is a church down the street, but in favor of a few other things, I'll not be attending today.

I finally took a few moments a few days ago to just examine the contents of my mind. I didn't will them to be orderly or detailed or anything. I just looked at the raw material and let the material determine its own form and voice. When I found things of interest, I took the time to examine it further and understand.

I found many things in that time I took:

• I haven't forgiven the one who wronged me. I've tried, and it's in progress. Not because I am overwhelmed with conviction, but because I love this person. Yet, I think I'm trying too hard to forgive and let go and move on too quickly. Getting into this mess was a process, and getting out of it completely will probably be just as much of one. I don't like that, but that is how it is. I want to feel like nothing has happened, but I see my own mistrust. I feel the moments of hesitation whenever a question is asked or a hangout is proposed. I feel my resistance to be completely reconciled as if nothing happened. I'm working, but I am. Not. There. Yet. This has to be okay.
• I haven't taken enough time for God or for myself. That was the first moment of any meaningful reflection I've had in a month. I was almost overjoyed at how clear everything was at the moment I chose to just be alone with some music for a while. A friend came to talk to me and I tried to walk away. He followed me. It was annoying, but I dealt with it as I was at a birthday party. I think I need to get a bit more comfortable with telling people that I need the time alone and spending that time along as I need it. I am a bit more than desperate for this space. No one has done anything wrong; it is a simple, built-in, and God-created need for us to refresh and re-establish connection with our inner selves and with Him. In a way that is hard to explain, but easy to understand: if we can't connect with our own selves, connecting with God is impossible.
• I don't like my job even if I am able to appreciate what it teaches me. I do not and never will develop a passion for this skill set. I want to do something else. I want to do more on the development and customer support side. While I don't mind doing so, I do not like sales targets, pipelines, proposals, or trade shows very much. Even if I like the travel and seeing old work-friends or meeting potential new ones, I have no interest in doing any of these things. I want to be part of a creative process and sales isn't creative. It is stifling and stressing. I'd give it until I'm 34, then I'm out.
• Related to an earlier point, I've noticed that my need for solitude will cause me to do things to effect it. Those things maybe destructive. By "destructive", I mean that they cause processes that eliminate or subtract. Some of this may be negative. Some of this is positive. Here's an example of each:
• Negative: Becoming emotionally withdrawn. Avoidance patterns without explanation. Depressive spirals in which I feel little is worth doing or valuable. In the worst case, I doubt the value of being alive.
• Positive: Donating things to the goodwill (without being obsessive). Taking a planned trip somewhere remote (the mountains, a cabin, a friend with a large home). I create freedom by changing the environment and recharging in that environment.
• Related to the previous point, my reactions at this point are inclusive of both elements. I find that I am becoming emotionally isolated. I find it hard to want to talk about my thoughts and feelings lately in a meaningful way. As a case-in-point, I went out with a friend this week who wanted to hang out after I got out of work. As we talked, she asked how I was; said I didn't seem myself. I told her I was fine and just a bit tired. So concerned did she become about my withdrawn state that she offered to take me home instead for the day. Here's something you didn't know: I can be social and be withdrawn. I was talking about things. We had pretty engaging conversation. On the other hand, she's more empathic than most and picks up on a lot of things like this. In the end, I didn't go home and we had a lot of fun listening to artful music, playing Mario Party 8, and drinking a bit of beer. To put this into the words I posted on Path:

So I'm going to just be okay now. I'll figure out places to not be okay and not be okay there if I need it.

• I've been pitiful in my attempts to achieve my goals for the year and half the year is gone. I need to step this up. Internal things have probably put me a bit further back on this journey than I should be, but that is not excusable. 

This process took me about 30 minutes to see, but I took an hour or so to enjoy the full effect of it and the peace it brings to my mind. It's hard to catch, honestly. There's little time for introspection at work and at home, there's not much of that, either.

I feel the need for a vacation and hope to take one soon. In the meantime, I simply try to deal with all of this. 

I like the fact that I can be aware of these things and bring them to the surface of my consciousness where I can interact with it from a place of being in peace than in frustration and I can call on that ability at any time. Meditation and prayer have their perks and I think they're something we need to invest in. I certainly need to more often. 

This was a lot, but not enough for me. I need more time.

Unprocessed

The last few weeks have been a bit more busy, both inside and out.

At work, I walk in at 8:20AM and I am fortunate if I leave at 5PM. Between that are meetings, emails, and phone calls enough that I normally never leave the room I am in. I haven't in a few weeks now. It's busy and stressful enough that things are being missed. My boss is there for most of these moments. He's gotten to the point that he no longer holds me at fault and I've installed and made use of multiple task listing apps on my phone to keep up with everything.

At home, I find myself exhausted and needing to rest as soon as I get indoors. I lie down at weird times, only to wake up hours later. Two hours to be precise. This is a thing almost every single night. The time I spend asleep is spent in nightmares about work or home. The details are impossible to recall except in fragments (having torn pants at an important meeting, trying to make sales, soul-crushing arguments with my mom), but the feelings left behind are clear and most of them are appropriate for the nightmare.

I find myself wanting to tear down my life and rebuild it from the ground up. I want to get rid of all my clothes, books, and quit my job. After that, I want to move somewhere and start again with just doing my website maintenance work and living my life from that point. In a lot of ways, I have to wonder if this is the voice of God... except that it is the voice of God and I'm not wondering. Not that He's urging me in any way to quit my job, but to reset reset reset. It's almost as if I feel and hear a "YES!" everytime I think of doing something that, for lack of better term, "clears things out" and makes room for a new thing to grow in its stead.

I've also been thinking about life with God. I don't know how to say something is both bad and good or weak and strong, but it is those things. I wrote a bit about it.

Aside from this, I've thought about combing through the years I've spent writing and deleting things. Shortening them. Neatening them up. Removing repeating topics. Re-tagging things. Then I ask why I want to overprocess myself that much. I want to be a good and effective writer, but I also want to be honest. I don't write this journal for others; I write it for myself. I don't need to make myself more precise. I only need to continue being true to myself as I write. The re-tagging part might not be so bad an idea, but other than that, I'll leave things as they are to mark my trial triumph until now.

I don't know what I'm doing, but I know why.

It happened in the shower one night on this business trip as I contemplated this thing and that. In the midst of that was a need to purge some things and some ways I connect to others. So I did. I'm nervous and I am curious as to what it will cost, but more than any of these things, I am done with it.

I only have to wait two weeks more before it is entirely complete.

I still attempt to work through things with Morgan. I am still sad, hurt, and angry. He is trying to repent, so I make effort to forgive as well. It makes no sense. He wants us to move on from this much faster than I am willing and mostly because he regrets the outcome of the last three months. What I have to constantly explain is that my healing is tied to what he wishes to avoid; it is because of his actions that we cannot simply move on together. I will take time and he will have to treat me gently.

Joe has moved into the military. I may never hear from him again while I live. I've already made my peace with this.

I hate my part in sales less with time, but I wonder about this thing inside of me that screams for the world when I seem to be stuck in Athens for now.

I will wait, listen, and wait again.

I want to go back and shorten or delete many things I've written. They don't matter as much now and maybe they never did.

Unbound

It's been four years. Four.

Four.
Years.

I've given you all I can and I'm thinking about that now. Today, I talked to my boss about everything going on. About you. About your leaving. About your reaction to my thoughts about moving. About how you treated me lately.

Never with your name.
Never with your face.

I don't need to. The actions speak for themselves. Like the night "you wanted to play games" or "watch Thor with me".

I explained how you went up to Tennessee to chase this girl, forsaking everyone else. You got there, she doesn't want to talk again – I warned you of this – and you would have been stranded in Tennessee except that you texted me and asked me – no, wait... your words were "humbly ask" – to give you money to get home. Instead of saying, "I told you so...", I transferred money to you. I gave. Like I always do. I gave to my friend.

...my.... friend.

I talked to someone here at work who is older than me. Wiser in some ways. We encourage each other. What he asked me was "How did you serve this friend of yours?" It occurred to me that the immediate answer was not in the giving nor in the why. I just listened while he explained something like this:

"Basically, he seems to run off of the assumption that he can treat you like shit and you'll still be there for him. You don't have to be a p***y because you're a man of God. God forbid, but if you ever asked me for something, I'd at least know you did everything you could to make things work and just needed a little extra help. This guy? What the hell? He's manic. You're a remarkable friend, Marquis. A remarkably good friend, but you're allowing him to do stupid things, too...."

My immediate, and spoken thought was: if this was a drug addiction, I'd be an enabler.

I had another friend – God bless him – that said this:

"I like that you mother a bit and are always willing to bury the hatchet... but you're a king. Act like it."

Not many could understand this reference, but it impacted me and still is. All of this is. I've already proven myself to be the sword that cuts the unneeded things from my path. I've already proven that, when I need to, I will cut down the enemy before me, but I've rarely ever had to cut anyone I really consider a friend.

At least, it was easier when I had a clear reason.

Now... I just sit here thinking that it's not enough that I have to fend off enemies. I now have to fend off my friends. I'm not used to this. It's not comfortable. Hell, it's not right at all. I couldn't have imagined that I would have to be this person on a regular basis. Yeah, I've had to tell people off a time or two for this or that, but there was that and we made amends and we're fine now. Phillip, who made the shorter quote earlier, is an example of someone that has grown into someone that can influence me in the positive now and that's a far cry from a year ago...

... but this....

I have a friend: John T. We've been friends for 16 years now. He's never lied to me about anything. Even once. Not even by omission. In 16 years. This is what I'm used to in friendship. Infrequent communication I can handle. I can deal with most bumps and a ton of bruises and keep on trucking, but I have to sit here and take in the fact that, in spite of my willingness to forgive and move on, this person is just going to abuse my friendship.

To quote the earlier gent: "Whoever this is, from what you've said, he isn't a good guy..."

The sad thing is: I only said the truth of what happened. Nevermind my emotions; I didn't even speak about them. Just the actions taken.

What is this? I feel.... like I'm going to...

I've never wanted to be without you, but I can be.... and that makes all the difference.