The Silence

I really don't know how many times I've used this title before, but I guess it doesn't matter right now.

I sit here in this chair at about 9:15AM. The weather outside is warm and partly ominous; rain and storm will be here soon enough. There is a church down the street, but in favor of a few other things, I'll not be attending today.

I finally took a few moments a few days ago to just examine the contents of my mind. I didn't will them to be orderly or detailed or anything. I just looked at the raw material and let the material determine its own form and voice. When I found things of interest, I took the time to examine it further and understand.

I found many things in that time I took:

• I haven't forgiven the one who wronged me. I've tried, and it's in progress. Not because I am overwhelmed with conviction, but because I love this person. Yet, I think I'm trying too hard to forgive and let go and move on too quickly. Getting into this mess was a process, and getting out of it completely will probably be just as much of one. I don't like that, but that is how it is. I want to feel like nothing has happened, but I see my own mistrust. I feel the moments of hesitation whenever a question is asked or a hangout is proposed. I feel my resistance to be completely reconciled as if nothing happened. I'm working, but I am. Not. There. Yet. This has to be okay.
• I haven't taken enough time for God or for myself. That was the first moment of any meaningful reflection I've had in a month. I was almost overjoyed at how clear everything was at the moment I chose to just be alone with some music for a while. A friend came to talk to me and I tried to walk away. He followed me. It was annoying, but I dealt with it as I was at a birthday party. I think I need to get a bit more comfortable with telling people that I need the time alone and spending that time along as I need it. I am a bit more than desperate for this space. No one has done anything wrong; it is a simple, built-in, and God-created need for us to refresh and re-establish connection with our inner selves and with Him. In a way that is hard to explain, but easy to understand: if we can't connect with our own selves, connecting with God is impossible.
• I don't like my job even if I am able to appreciate what it teaches me. I do not and never will develop a passion for this skill set. I want to do something else. I want to do more on the development and customer support side. While I don't mind doing so, I do not like sales targets, pipelines, proposals, or trade shows very much. Even if I like the travel and seeing old work-friends or meeting potential new ones, I have no interest in doing any of these things. I want to be part of a creative process and sales isn't creative. It is stifling and stressing. I'd give it until I'm 34, then I'm out.
• Related to an earlier point, I've noticed that my need for solitude will cause me to do things to effect it. Those things maybe destructive. By "destructive", I mean that they cause processes that eliminate or subtract. Some of this may be negative. Some of this is positive. Here's an example of each:
• Negative: Becoming emotionally withdrawn. Avoidance patterns without explanation. Depressive spirals in which I feel little is worth doing or valuable. In the worst case, I doubt the value of being alive.
• Positive: Donating things to the goodwill (without being obsessive). Taking a planned trip somewhere remote (the mountains, a cabin, a friend with a large home). I create freedom by changing the environment and recharging in that environment.
• Related to the previous point, my reactions at this point are inclusive of both elements. I find that I am becoming emotionally isolated. I find it hard to want to talk about my thoughts and feelings lately in a meaningful way. As a case-in-point, I went out with a friend this week who wanted to hang out after I got out of work. As we talked, she asked how I was; said I didn't seem myself. I told her I was fine and just a bit tired. So concerned did she become about my withdrawn state that she offered to take me home instead for the day. Here's something you didn't know: I can be social and be withdrawn. I was talking about things. We had pretty engaging conversation. On the other hand, she's more empathic than most and picks up on a lot of things like this. In the end, I didn't go home and we had a lot of fun listening to artful music, playing Mario Party 8, and drinking a bit of beer. To put this into the words I posted on Path:

So I'm going to just be okay now. I'll figure out places to not be okay and not be okay there if I need it.

• I've been pitiful in my attempts to achieve my goals for the year and half the year is gone. I need to step this up. Internal things have probably put me a bit further back on this journey than I should be, but that is not excusable. 

This process took me about 30 minutes to see, but I took an hour or so to enjoy the full effect of it and the peace it brings to my mind. It's hard to catch, honestly. There's little time for introspection at work and at home, there's not much of that, either.

I feel the need for a vacation and hope to take one soon. In the meantime, I simply try to deal with all of this. 

I like the fact that I can be aware of these things and bring them to the surface of my consciousness where I can interact with it from a place of being in peace than in frustration and I can call on that ability at any time. Meditation and prayer have their perks and I think they're something we need to invest in. I certainly need to more often. 

This was a lot, but not enough for me. I need more time.