It's been a long time since I've written and I'm finally back for good. It's just not worth it "out there" at this point.
I'm pretty sure it's all ending. We barely talk, I stay thinking that I inconvenience you because of how we talk and act toward each other, every interaction followed by "I miss you". Let's just ignore the whole "I'll do things to make this right" and add "You never initiate anything with me". I obviously would have no reason to change anything about my interactions with you. Then again, no matter what happens, when you actually want to make effort, you somehow manage to ignore all the excuses you give me (I'm tired/busy) and talk to me. I don't know what to think because, for the most part, I don't care. I say "for the most part" because there's a part of me that won't give up on whatever it is we have left no matter what. For this particular part, I hate myself.
My job is just overwhelming. Why does every single person need to be on vacation in August and why isn't there a standard pricing sheet when I need it? I have 400 RFPs to review and another 300 proposals to write. I'm tired. I can't keep up with and catch up on everything. It's just overwhelming. At the same time, I'm being counted on and I can't do anything about that so I just push on.
Betrayal sucks. It just does. It seems that a few people in relationships I value have been a bit on the selfish side and I've been a bit past my breaking point in this respect. I found out in another country that my bosses weren't putting proper numbers on my check. I found out, then was told of the counter-plan a group I work with was taking to fix it. Because of the nature of this counter-plan, I am not to give off any hint that I'm even bothered by any of this. I can't mention it. I can't bring it up. It was brought up to me yesterday and I cannot say anything about it. I simply listened and attempted to forgive because, what else could I do? It's something I'm starkly aware of every paycheck. Then I have had to deal with a person who is so broken that it just causes all manner of heartache as I listen to them say some of the most hurtful things to myself and others simply because of their own pain. I can't even recount all of the conversations and the twists and turns they've made and the ways I've had to adjust my emotional responses to deal with everything.
I want to walk the path of a loner for a while longer. Maybe a lot longer. I think it just works better for me right now. I'll just focus on a few personal projects and getting the work for those done with no dawdling. Finish this season of the Doctor Who, draw my pictures, do my inking, and get prepared for the next thing or three on my list. Just keep my eyes forward and keep swallowing feelings because trying to get them dealt with through my local relationships is not happening. I want to be a soldier for a while; to simply ignore the attachments, forget all loyalties save a very precious few, and move forward.
I need a sabbatical. Too much noise. I need quiet. I need to revisit things. I need the height of a mountain. Just a moment of perspective would be nice. I want to be left alone for a few days, but bills and shit, so no.
I should never go without journaling again. What I've learned is that, aside from God, I simply cannot live without my journal. I don't know why I thought I could or that it was worth trying. It wasn't. It really wasn't. I learned more reason that it wasn't than that I will ever care to.
Now pardon me while I do everything the world demands of me for a few hours more this week.
I'm pretty sure it's all ending. We barely talk, I stay thinking that I inconvenience you because of how we talk and act toward each other, every interaction followed by "I miss you". Let's just ignore the whole "I'll do things to make this right" and add "You never initiate anything with me". I obviously would have no reason to change anything about my interactions with you. Then again, no matter what happens, when you actually want to make effort, you somehow manage to ignore all the excuses you give me (I'm tired/busy) and talk to me. I don't know what to think because, for the most part, I don't care. I say "for the most part" because there's a part of me that won't give up on whatever it is we have left no matter what. For this particular part, I hate myself.
My job is just overwhelming. Why does every single person need to be on vacation in August and why isn't there a standard pricing sheet when I need it? I have 400 RFPs to review and another 300 proposals to write. I'm tired. I can't keep up with and catch up on everything. It's just overwhelming. At the same time, I'm being counted on and I can't do anything about that so I just push on.
Betrayal sucks. It just does. It seems that a few people in relationships I value have been a bit on the selfish side and I've been a bit past my breaking point in this respect. I found out in another country that my bosses weren't putting proper numbers on my check. I found out, then was told of the counter-plan a group I work with was taking to fix it. Because of the nature of this counter-plan, I am not to give off any hint that I'm even bothered by any of this. I can't mention it. I can't bring it up. It was brought up to me yesterday and I cannot say anything about it. I simply listened and attempted to forgive because, what else could I do? It's something I'm starkly aware of every paycheck. Then I have had to deal with a person who is so broken that it just causes all manner of heartache as I listen to them say some of the most hurtful things to myself and others simply because of their own pain. I can't even recount all of the conversations and the twists and turns they've made and the ways I've had to adjust my emotional responses to deal with everything.
I want to walk the path of a loner for a while longer. Maybe a lot longer. I think it just works better for me right now. I'll just focus on a few personal projects and getting the work for those done with no dawdling. Finish this season of the Doctor Who, draw my pictures, do my inking, and get prepared for the next thing or three on my list. Just keep my eyes forward and keep swallowing feelings because trying to get them dealt with through my local relationships is not happening. I want to be a soldier for a while; to simply ignore the attachments, forget all loyalties save a very precious few, and move forward.
I need a sabbatical. Too much noise. I need quiet. I need to revisit things. I need the height of a mountain. Just a moment of perspective would be nice. I want to be left alone for a few days, but bills and shit, so no.
I should never go without journaling again. What I've learned is that, aside from God, I simply cannot live without my journal. I don't know why I thought I could or that it was worth trying. It wasn't. It really wasn't. I learned more reason that it wasn't than that I will ever care to.
Now pardon me while I do everything the world demands of me for a few hours more this week.
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