Extra Time Needed

I once used to both enjoy and curse the fact that my heart was so resilient; it could take the worst of what some people had to offer and keep on loving without even really needing time to adjust.

However, I find that, these days, I can do no such thing. Not at easily as I once did. Not easily at all, actually.

I don't like this.

As I tried to post from my phone earlier:

I remember when I wanted to love hard and be the affectionate one. Now, I don't know how to start. What happened to the time when I wanted to love always?

I really do wonder in part. In part, however, I know that this is me letting the harsh realities of this life gain a bit more ground than they should. I let them win and I've learned to love less and save myself. I learned a lot this year, actually.

Learning is well and good and wonderful, but dear God what did it cost me in return? These lessons can go back where they came from. They really can.

Now, a friend of mine wants to make amends. He tries. He fails most times, but he honestly tries. At the same time, when he says he wants to hang out or that he loves me, I wish it weren't so hard to give it back to him, but I just can't.

This sucks.