Unprocessed

The last few weeks have been a bit more busy, both inside and out.

At work, I walk in at 8:20AM and I am fortunate if I leave at 5PM. Between that are meetings, emails, and phone calls enough that I normally never leave the room I am in. I haven't in a few weeks now. It's busy and stressful enough that things are being missed. My boss is there for most of these moments. He's gotten to the point that he no longer holds me at fault and I've installed and made use of multiple task listing apps on my phone to keep up with everything.

At home, I find myself exhausted and needing to rest as soon as I get indoors. I lie down at weird times, only to wake up hours later. Two hours to be precise. This is a thing almost every single night. The time I spend asleep is spent in nightmares about work or home. The details are impossible to recall except in fragments (having torn pants at an important meeting, trying to make sales, soul-crushing arguments with my mom), but the feelings left behind are clear and most of them are appropriate for the nightmare.

I find myself wanting to tear down my life and rebuild it from the ground up. I want to get rid of all my clothes, books, and quit my job. After that, I want to move somewhere and start again with just doing my website maintenance work and living my life from that point. In a lot of ways, I have to wonder if this is the voice of God... except that it is the voice of God and I'm not wondering. Not that He's urging me in any way to quit my job, but to reset reset reset. It's almost as if I feel and hear a "YES!" everytime I think of doing something that, for lack of better term, "clears things out" and makes room for a new thing to grow in its stead.

I've also been thinking about life with God. I don't know how to say something is both bad and good or weak and strong, but it is those things. I wrote a bit about it.

Aside from this, I've thought about combing through the years I've spent writing and deleting things. Shortening them. Neatening them up. Removing repeating topics. Re-tagging things. Then I ask why I want to overprocess myself that much. I want to be a good and effective writer, but I also want to be honest. I don't write this journal for others; I write it for myself. I don't need to make myself more precise. I only need to continue being true to myself as I write. The re-tagging part might not be so bad an idea, but other than that, I'll leave things as they are to mark my trial triumph until now.