Reconciliation

So this. I've been watching this and things like this for about a week. It's put a lot of things into perspective for me as I've sifted through more than a few intense emotions this week.

Seeing this punctuated the fact that I miss the feeling of being genuinely treasured by someone, that being mutual, and that being very well communicated.

And maintained.

And enjoyed.

Ugh the enjoyment is the biggest one. I am weary of looking at things like JD and Turk from Scrubs and finding myself jealous, sad, and so on instead of welling up with gratitude for the people in my life that are like that. What would I need to do to find it?

Does this mean that I don't have people in my life like that? No. It does mean that I don't feel that there are and I've needed that feeling this week because - without mincing words - God is non-corporeal. I want a hug. I want someone to talk to. I want to communicate in a meaningful way about what I feel and get some things out of my system. None of that is happening. I'm not willing to after... well, quite a few things and events.

Then I look through youtube, see this video here, and think about all the people I miss and wish beyond wishing that I could get this kind of thing. These people love each other and have been through a lot together (they're brothers here, but it's similar in the friend videos). When they meet, the rest of the world, for a few precious moments, is on-hold around them. They love each other and waste no time in expressing that as exuberantly as possible. This is fueled by a number of factors (e.g.; the amount of time they've been apart and the fact that they aren't sure if there will be another chance to express those feelings), but it still sits there. Just raw, passionate love with no regard for who sees or how inconvenient it might be or where they are or who is around.

There's laughing, there's crying, there's a bunch of feelings that make that relationship real and each person lives all of those feelings. I want that. I want to embrace my friends and find myself feeling just a little more alive for it. I want... no need that in my life right now. I find myself wishing for the relationships of past years over this, but I don't have those or that time. I have now.

What do I do with that?