About Me, About Her

It's been a while since I've written now and, when last I wrote, I had hoped to have a companion.

I have one now.

It was years of seeds planted in small deeds and kindnesses with no particular end goal, but it all feels so sudden and every day finds me trying to put words to all of it. I am so grateful. Her name? Well, I call her Jazz. There's a story to that. :)

If I had to tell the story, it would sound like a rom-com. In essence, it is beautiful and regal and spiritual and full of handwritten letters.

I have asked to be smitten and I couldn't have a more resounding response than this.

Aside from that, I've been sorting through things with work, home, and life.

At home, I have Morgan, Quan, and Ben. Things are hard all over. Morgan is depressed for a number of reasons. I get it, but I don't. He's wasting his life and he won't - or maybe can't - avail himself of anything he knows or that I would happily share in order to change his circumstances.

Quan is where he is and trying to move forward. We've not spoken in a while and probably won't for longer still. One night, as he was putting on clothes, a friend of his asked him to go out. This friend asked me to help encourage him to go out. Instead of Quan saying, "Marquis, I really don't want to go out. Please change subject..." or a similar thing, he makes an effort to spite me by stating that if he goes, I have to go.

So I prepped myself and went. While we are driving to the bar and as we arrive, he asks if I'm okay. If something is bothering me. I say nothing and sip on a drink. He then says that he intentionally brought me out to the bar in an attempt to cause me pain. Out of something that borders on malice. I am his friend; I thought I was. Then this happens.

There are a lot of things for which I have patience and tolerance and maybe more than I should in a few areas, but the one thing I will not abide is someone in my life that causes me pain while calling me friend. I've not shared a thought with him since that day. I'm vaguely aware of what he does and how he is; just enough to keep the bills paid.

I hear he's been asking about me to see how I'm doing. He'll only ever get that information, in brief at best, from me; I refuse to share myself with people that intentionally wound me. It wasn't even that big of a deal, but the fact that he would try to hurt me on purpose is unforgivable for me.

Ben has been at the house for about 3 months. Nearly four now. In that time, he's made several bad decisions and very few, if any, good ones. In spite of my willingness to help him and the effort I've made to demonstrate that willingness, he is not interested in changing his situation. Now that he's been there long enough for me to demonstrate my patience, I am going to have to have him move. I care about him, but he isn't moving forward or growing and lately, not even respecting the space he's in: the living room.

Dishes on the floor, dishes in the sink. I keep having to remind him to clean them. I know he's going through a hard time and that time will be very long for him, but I can't keep making excuses for the nonsense he does.

At work, recently they've set a path for the kinds of help we need. The company has finally grown beyond our ability to manage it well so we're hiring new salespeople. I was approached yesterday about a position which includes both development and project management. To say the least, I'm very happy about it and I look forward to what is to come in this respect.

Going back to Jazz: she'll be here in 3 weeks. I'm not even excited; that's an inaccurate word. It is a settled peace. A knowing that, when she arrives and I can see her smile, talk, or just give her a hug, that I can relax. It is hard to explain apart from there. I can simply let out a long sigh and relax. I look forward to the peace we will bring to each other in 8 days from now.