Missing the Phonebooth

I'm smiling and I'm fumbling with the right words with which to start. I tell you not to worry about it, but here I am, doing a similar thing, at 8:50AM on Saturday morning. The sun is already stretching its arms and I'm radiating energy from the center of my chest and I'm thinking about you.

The thought, just the thought, fills me with gentle warmth. You see, I had written about you before, but didn't expect you to arrive quite so early. I'm glad you didn't bother with the formalities this time around. I'm a world of excitement and wonder right now. The only thing you're missing is the 1950's tollbooth. How do I even begin?

Your touch is sunrise and twilight and all of the best parts of every season: the newness of spring, the warmth of summer, the gentle transition of fall, and the silence beauty of winter snow. You do so much without even trying and I will always fail to grasp how on earth I could be allowed to possess a gift so lavish. I just don't know.

It seems like not long ago, we were so peripheral to each other; I imagine that I was to you. Now.... dear God now. Now the sunrise is a text that says "Buenos dias" and the moon and stars make their way to the nighttime sky as you write "Hey you, how was your day?" This is littered with letters and conversations about everything from the mundane to the monumental. I don't know how you exist. You weren't supposed to. I even ranted about your not existing.

Then you walk, just as casually and boldly as you please, onto the canvas of my life with streaks of gold, green, and purple in your wake. You're so gentle. Regal. How do I even go on with these descriptions? Then you speak to me. You're brave, afraid, and so very life-giving. You're so loving and - somehow - you love everything about me. Did I mention that I don't get this?

Then there is the feel of you. The way you lace your fingers with mine. I can still feel them there. They belong here. Maybe I waited this whole time just to hold your hand. I am so okay with that. The way you are so sensitive to everything. You see so much without my saying it. I don't know if I have a person in my life that has your level of insight even when I give them a written guide.

You fill me with so much peace. So much more this than anything. Just peace. You are the least demanding person I know. You want me to be and grow and thrive and you place no demands on what that involves. You make me bolder somehow, braver, more alive. I was doing okay beforehand, but now I don't know how I even functioned. It's so stupid. So very stupid. So beautifully stupid.

The insane thing is, it gets better. It grows longer. I get to keep walking with you. Why on earth did you keep me waiting so long? It was hard waiting, you know. Do you know? I mean really hard. If there is a such thing as a next life or reincarnation, you need to catch me in grade school and make sure I never get out of your sight. Ever.

I'm already thinking about the letters we will write and that I will read while crying, laughing, thoughtfully pondering the response to as I draw on ages-old wisdom to talk to you about the contents. I'm smiling in front of the bedroom window and it is 7:26PM and it was a long day, but there's that envelope with your name on it and I feel energized to read and read and read and read and I forgot that I was supposed to eat dinner and I hug your letter as if somehow, if I wish hard enough, you would appear right then and there and....


...I love you so much.

About Me, About Her

It's been a while since I've written now and, when last I wrote, I had hoped to have a companion.

I have one now.

It was years of seeds planted in small deeds and kindnesses with no particular end goal, but it all feels so sudden and every day finds me trying to put words to all of it. I am so grateful. Her name? Well, I call her Jazz. There's a story to that. :)

If I had to tell the story, it would sound like a rom-com. In essence, it is beautiful and regal and spiritual and full of handwritten letters.

I have asked to be smitten and I couldn't have a more resounding response than this.

Aside from that, I've been sorting through things with work, home, and life.

At home, I have Morgan, Quan, and Ben. Things are hard all over. Morgan is depressed for a number of reasons. I get it, but I don't. He's wasting his life and he won't - or maybe can't - avail himself of anything he knows or that I would happily share in order to change his circumstances.

Quan is where he is and trying to move forward. We've not spoken in a while and probably won't for longer still. One night, as he was putting on clothes, a friend of his asked him to go out. This friend asked me to help encourage him to go out. Instead of Quan saying, "Marquis, I really don't want to go out. Please change subject..." or a similar thing, he makes an effort to spite me by stating that if he goes, I have to go.

So I prepped myself and went. While we are driving to the bar and as we arrive, he asks if I'm okay. If something is bothering me. I say nothing and sip on a drink. He then says that he intentionally brought me out to the bar in an attempt to cause me pain. Out of something that borders on malice. I am his friend; I thought I was. Then this happens.

There are a lot of things for which I have patience and tolerance and maybe more than I should in a few areas, but the one thing I will not abide is someone in my life that causes me pain while calling me friend. I've not shared a thought with him since that day. I'm vaguely aware of what he does and how he is; just enough to keep the bills paid.

I hear he's been asking about me to see how I'm doing. He'll only ever get that information, in brief at best, from me; I refuse to share myself with people that intentionally wound me. It wasn't even that big of a deal, but the fact that he would try to hurt me on purpose is unforgivable for me.

Ben has been at the house for about 3 months. Nearly four now. In that time, he's made several bad decisions and very few, if any, good ones. In spite of my willingness to help him and the effort I've made to demonstrate that willingness, he is not interested in changing his situation. Now that he's been there long enough for me to demonstrate my patience, I am going to have to have him move. I care about him, but he isn't moving forward or growing and lately, not even respecting the space he's in: the living room.

Dishes on the floor, dishes in the sink. I keep having to remind him to clean them. I know he's going through a hard time and that time will be very long for him, but I can't keep making excuses for the nonsense he does.

At work, recently they've set a path for the kinds of help we need. The company has finally grown beyond our ability to manage it well so we're hiring new salespeople. I was approached yesterday about a position which includes both development and project management. To say the least, I'm very happy about it and I look forward to what is to come in this respect.

Going back to Jazz: she'll be here in 3 weeks. I'm not even excited; that's an inaccurate word. It is a settled peace. A knowing that, when she arrives and I can see her smile, talk, or just give her a hug, that I can relax. It is hard to explain apart from there. I can simply let out a long sigh and relax. I look forward to the peace we will bring to each other in 8 days from now.

Reconciled

So tonight, I reached out. I sat down and decided that we weren't going to pretend to be okay until we were actually okay...

...and he respected that request. Polli made time to sit down and talk to me about everything. I mean everything. It was wonderful. I explained the pain and the hurt I had felt in the last month and where it came from in full. He didn't interrupt. He didn't make it seem like I was crazy. He really did his best to understand and it came through.

We felt deeply together. He apologized and we were reconciled to each other moment by moment, detail by detail, and wound by wound. I don't know where we will go, but I know that, from here, it's up to us. I've made my feelings clear about everything and I think he understands enough to make good decisions.

What happened? Well, without getting in too deeply, recently he's found a girl he likes. I mean really really likes; he actually said I'm in love with her today. What hurt among other things is that we've spent no time together since they've met; it's just been days of him texting her or playing on the computer.

This wouldn't hurt so much except for the fact that we were inseparable only the day before all of this went down. After that, all of the time he would have spent with me went to her. Not in a subtle way. Not in a "I'm going to start spending more time here, but I'm always going to be here, too..." I mean no time at all. For weeks. It hurt to have a friend I was so close to be only two feet away from me (we share a room) and not speak one single word for weeks just because he likes a girl. This wouldn't be good at all. After our talk he said he would have felt shitty if I had done similar things to him.

I explained the process of having to learn to do things and be happy without him because he wouldn't make any room for me in his life. We spoke at length about this and, looking at his eyes, I could see his understood how I felt and why. It made sense even if it hurt to admit he had been that horrible to anyone (and there's no other way to describe that); mind you, he's no devil nor is he a villain. He was just insensitive. I can understand why – I looked at this situation from his point of view on my own time for hours – but it didn't make the hurt one bit less while it lasted.

But now, there's a balm. I'm glad we talked. I listened to a song for the first time in a month that I haven't been able to for being at odds with him. It felt good to be reconnected. I felt normal again... or a little closer to it. I have my friend back and that feels good.

Be Unafraid

Some days, I have to remind myself that when things are going well, I should take the time to enjoy it instead of wondering how long it will be before something bad will follow.

It's okay to laugh, to enjoy, to be involved and be a part of that moment. Life is too short to always shrink away from joy because it is fleeting.

Love hard. Smile back. Hug like its the last time. Life isn't going from day to day wondering when the shadows and clouds will appear; enjoy the sun while it shines.

Being An Asshole

Couldn't really think of a better title as I prepare to recap the last however long.

I've thought a few things in the last little while. Quite a few. Namely things about this journal and my home. The subject of the journal is quite simple. I'm wondering about my style of writing it. Sometimes, it's quite messy. Other times, very neatly ordered. I'm wondering which I like better and whether I'm willing to maintain the effort to write it.

Then there is the subject of my home. I recently told the guys that I want half of the roommates gone in the next sixty days. That's October 13th. I'll see how this goes. Simply put, a lot of people live here. That's okay, but there are a few people that seem to live and/or behave as if they are the only people that live here or that matter and I can't have that. They need to go.

Today, I decided at work that maybe being more brash about what I want would get what I want faster, so I came home with the plan to demand the kitchen be cleaned. It was cleaned when I got home, but I did manage to get Phillip to clean the bathroom. I'll check and see how that went later.

I have a room full of papers to shred. It's taking forever and it's tiring.

Today, in particular, I'm tired. You know what? No. I'm not tired. Not at all. I have no desire to sleep. My body registers that I do, but I've no need for sleep. I need refreshment.

I'm weary. Battle-worn.

On another note, I did manage to encourage someone and that was exciting. I got my goals for work accomplished today and that was also good. A lot of good has come out of today, but at the same time, I'm so drained. I want the war to end, but it seems that I have nothing more to hope for in that regard than the strength to continue enduring it as I cannot seem to avoid it at all.

Are You Happy

Someone asked me this yesterday.

You're older than me; are you happy?

They commented that I seem to be down sometimes and lately they haven't known what to make of it.

My answer to that was an unequivocal yes; my life for all of its stumbling about is a good one. I have loved, I am loved and that most of all by God Himself. I do frown and furrow an eyebrow now and then; the world in which I live is not sorrow-free and that was never promised to me or anyone else. At the same time, it is a beautiful world and I find that when I look around me, my heart is filled with an acute, puncturing sense of gratitude. That is to say: I am thankful to be alive and I believe that every day has amazing possibilities for things to do, learn, and become.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One moment at a time. I am becoming closer to what God wants me to be -- sometimes kicking and screaming -- and I love every moment of it. I have a tattoo and a mohawk; in short, I'm evolving some and continuously shuffling off this sin-filled shell until That Day.

That said, I'm happy. The feeling, fleeting at best, but as a general state, it is default.

Redeeming the Time

Whenever an opportunity to do a kindness presents itself, take advantage.

That would be the ideal, but I can't do that all the time. However, today I took advantage of the one opportunity I got.

Today, I walked into Starbucks for a cup of coffee. The usual suspects were there. Among them, my coffee ninja.

He looked particularly disturbed by something, so I listened. He commented on feeling terrible and wishing for DayQuil as his allergies were going insane. I joked with him outwardly, but inwardly, I thought about it and decided that I would do what I could for this guy. Asking him to guard the cookies I just bought, I left.

I decided not to get the DayQuil and got him allergy meds instead; DayQuil doesn't handle allergies.

Returning to the store, I sipped the coffee (not as chocolatey as I wanted, but good) and nodded my approval, then smiled at him and handed him the bag. I bought him two types as I wasn't sure which one would help him most.

"What's this?"
"It's a bag."
"Don't tell me.... You didn't..."
[I conveniently have coffee in my mouth. Of course, there are customers here]
"Dude, you didn't... I mean... This had to be like thirty dollars..."
[It was, but who cares?]
"Nah...."
[I wave and leave before he can attempt to return the meds]

You know, it's things like this that remind me that God loves me more than anything. Just the chance to help another person. It's a good thing -- a very, very good thing -- that God gives us opportunities to reach out to someone outside of ourselves and help them. It makes us good and feel good and that is freakin' fantastic.

No Regret Weekend

As you may know, I have a standing, lifelong commitment to lead a life that has no regret in it. The result of this decision is this campfire. Many times, I write about the things in my life that really irk me about people, but my life isn't about that; those moments are actually a lot smaller than the small positives I experience everyday and I write about those on twitter and the like. I appreciate them, but rarely do I reflect on them as deeply as I have on the events of this weekend.

THURSDAY
I decided to miss work at job #2 since it's not even official yet, and help Alessio with packing after a training meeting with HQ at job #1. I bought him boxes and helped him pack a bit. He was so frazzled, so I tried to keep him in only one place at a time. Bouncing back and forth kept him going wild, but not as wild.

After this, I met up with the crew for the Dalton and Tiffany's wedding rehearsal. That was joy and laughter and apparently a great relief for many people. Afterward, we ate at Chik-Fil-A and went home. I even made a few new friends that night. It was nice.

I played a round or two of LOL, then went to bed.


FRIDAY
Back to other things I needed to do, so more things in the morning I needed to sort out with HQ, then to downtown to meet Alessio. After I met up with him, I helped him pack some more. I had some things coming up for the weekend for which I needed a car, but couldn't find one. Things would be troublesome if I didn't find one.

After helping Alessio pack, I went with him to move things out and get coffee. I had double-booked myself this weekend; there was a camping trip and one other event. I decided to pass up the camping trip, but I met with the guys going to give them money so they could take another person in my place. The meeting was pleasant and full of laughter. Things were said and I'll leave it at that.

After this, I scurried on to job #2. There, I had a couple of meetings and I got a bit of good news. I discussed current project status and plans, then went back to Alessio's where I got his car and went with him to Office Max for more boxes, then to Avis to try to rent a car. I couldn't rent the car because I didn't have a credit card. Totally rental cost with deposit was about $400. I had about $850. I have to be amused at a system that does not allow people with sufficient cash to buy or rent something because they don't have a credit card. Ah well. We went back to Alessio's to finish packing.

I thought and plotted, then called Enterprise. They were an hour from closing, but very helpful and within the hour, I had a car rented and on my way to Alessio's to help him move some things. After this, I went home thinking.

Earlier, Alessio had sent a text asking if I'd drop in for a dinner around 8:30PM. It would be his last dinner with everyone. I had other things planned, but I delayed them because I knew I would regret not having seen him on his last day hanging out with everyone. The fact is, I never know when I'd have that chance again and if that were my last, I would have never forgiven myself for it, so I made the adjustments needed and I spent that time with him.

I tried to workout a bit before dinner, but there just wasn't time. Oh well. The smile on his face and the cheers in the background were more than enough confirmation that the dinner was where I should have been. The food at A Tavola was fantastic; I tried a calamari pizza. The waitress was fantastic, too. Alessio looked like he was going to burst at the seams loving people. He sang songs that he knew on the radio and kept making hugging motions and pointing at me. I smiled and pretended not to notice. A glass of white wine and dinner done, we headed downtown for an hour or two where I ran into all sorts of people that blended the meetings of almost three years into one room; old friends, new co-workers all met together to love one person and it was magic. Alessio hugged me some more and I laughed with everyone, then made my way out into the night, leaving love and blessing with my old boss and telling my new one we would talk again soon.

Two hours later, I got to my destination and went to bed with these thoughts, thankful that I delayed my own personal plans to be with someone else and enjoy the life of their moment.

SATURDAY
I have a backlog on work such that it is ridiculous. I decided to postpone that and simply enjoy the moment I was in. The place I'm in has no insulation, so I was loathe to get out of bed. To my surprise, when I finally mustered up the courage to do this, it was warmer out than my sleeping area, so I went out and enjoyed a sandwich with Korri. We talked about all manner of things and I asked him what there was to do on the mountains; I didn't want to miss an opportunity to see or do something beautiful. It seems he was used to people complaining about the walk to a nearby waterfall, so I asked him to lead me.

The pictures, the sight, the smell, the beauty.... all of it was worthwhile. Every single moment of it. My phone died, so I planned to take more tomorrow morning. Returning home, I talked to Korri some more about a few things. There were pockets of silence here and there, but instead of bothering them, I let them be and eventually, convo flowed again; silence is just as important to convo as sound I think.

I entertained a short business call as well.

I also talked to Joe a bit and that was pleasant. I've missed him greatly. He's doing well and it would be no small thing to say that it makes my heart happy to know this. I think of him often, but that is its own tale.

I laid down in a nearby hammock and enjoyed the sun. Soon, I was asleep. When I woke up, I moved inside where I lay under a blanket while Korri and I spoke some more about this thing or that. I took another short nap and Korri woke me up and asked me outside. Following him, there was a campfire and there I learned to cook hotdogs on it. I took out my iPhone, took pictures and played bluegrass. It was perfect. He brought out some yeungling as well and I drank it. Not good, but not terrible. I finished the bottle, at least. Those hours had to be the manliest hours I've had and I spent it with someone who, being gay, complemented that moment more than some "more manly" guys I know. I am amused.

Korri tried to break apart some wood for the fire, but was having a hard time of it, so I helped him; my training has been handy :D

Moving back to the fire, we continued to talk and enjoy and plan for the day tomorrow. I had a couple of chats with online friends and I've made plans to go to Blairsville; it's nearby and I have friends there. Why not? It seems that I have made a correct decision here as well; it is Josh's birthday today so seeing him while he's near is totally more than appropriate!

TODAY
Today I wanted to write and reflect in thanks. It is 9:30 now. Soon, I will try to begin the day and to the lower falls again and take photos. We will see Blairsville. I will drive home and let my normal life surround me again, but I live this moment now thankful to God for this weekend.

Christmas Cards

It's nice to know that I mean so much to so many. I love these guys. I really do.

My Father's Son

This visit has been so many things leading to today. Eye-opening and funny.

I've lived with my mom most of my life and I take many a trait from there, but today I observed that so many things within me that are emerging are from my father's line.

Alton is a ninja. Grandma is elegant, graceful and warm with a sharp edge. Grandpa is straight gangsta. Jerry is curious and funny. Brandon is observant and painfully honest. Tarina is quiet joy. All of the men share my bodily features; height, hairline, skin textures... all of it.

It caused so much unexpected, unbridled joy for everyone to see me there. 14 years stored up with love were spilled out so much. I took a lot of pictures.

People were married. People existed that did not exist when I was there last. Everyone that met me for the first time liked me. I also liked them. Laughter flowed through. Old wounds were opened here and there and we're just as quickly closed.

Jill was glad to finally meet me in person. Every embrace was met with laughter by me and each person that hugged me. Contact info was exchanged. It was so much but yet not enough. There were the questions of course; where had I been? Why so silent for so long? Not a touch of hurt, though. Pure curiosity on where life's roads had led me in love and adulthood. All met with nods and understanding.

With that, the night ended and we were all pretty tired.

Now home, thoughts and feelings from many corners are filling my mind, but of them all, as much as I love my mom, I am clearly my father's son.

With the Fam

I love you and I'm missing you terribly but even in that, my hours have laughter in their wake. Being with my family inspires so much joy in just their being.




My uncle laughing and saying, "Yes and thank you" when the TV announces that shopping at Sacs 5th Avenue is not black Friday shopping.

The guys watching varying sports and joking while the girls busy themselves making this and that. It's just how they are.

We're listening and talking about iPhones and Droids and putting more sugar in the fruit punch.

It's these people that I inherit so much of who I am from. Even in our deepest seriousness, there's a bit of mirth and faith that things will be as they should be.

We love hard here and everyone is welcome. I'll miss this when I return home but for now, I enjoy every moment of it even as I sit here and write.




Oh, and I kinda look cute. ♥

This Guy

My dad came here after work. My dad who I talk about and miss all the time. This guy.




I have never been more thankful that I can just drop my pride and really love people. I simply clung to him and grinned from ear to ear. He just laughed. His house-filling, bass tone laugh and held onto me. I can't even express how that felt.

He tried to talk to me, but I just nodded and kept holding on. He understood and kept laughing.

We walked into the kitchen and watched a little bit of "Dancing with the Stars" where he made a ton of hilarious if irreverent comments.

He touched me all over the place -- my arms, back, chest and shoulders -- and commented that I seemed to be a lot more muscular. He asked if I was going to the gym or if I had been. I told him I work out at home. He compared me to my younger brother Percell.

Percell plays football and is built like a tank. Needless to say, I felt complimented.

Afterward, we came to the back of the house. We took pictures like this:




After that we just laid there next to each other, talking about life. I work, exercise and dance. Not much else to say there. Then again, I take 26-hour bus trips.

He laughed at that last part as I explained the story. He talked to me about things like where he met my mom. We looked at some old pictures of him (I know where my latent fashion sense comes from; dude was shaaaarp), talked about my sister Jhonei's new baby boy, David, and just laughed at life.

He saw me texting and said I should put a speedometer on my thumb.

He also played football on his phone. He's making a sandwich and I'm contemplating sleep and some other, secret things.

Again, moments like this make me forget what I'm missing for a moment.

I love this man.

A Touch of Home

Walking for a couple of miles today, I notice that everything is just as I left it.

The block is still the block. There's always construction happening. People dress in interesting and cool ways.

My grandparents are still my grandparents. They're so happy to see me. Grandpa was here when I arrived. After talking to him a bit, I went to lie down and passed out for four blissful hours.

By the time I woke up, grandma was home. She and I hugged for a while; she felt sweet. It's hard to explain that, but she really did. So much love in that one act. A simple hug with tears of "I missed you. I love you. I can't believe you're finally here..." wrapped in it.

They use landline phones. They live in the same apartment. They have tons of stuff they'll never use. I caught her up on everyone back in Georgia. We ate fish and fries for dinner. Grandpa wanted grits, so had some of that, too.

We watched some of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune and guessed the puzzles together. It was like being 10 again. I just sat here taking in all of the moment I was in and I forgot all that I missed for a while.

Miss AJ called and wanted to see me. We're going to New Jersey for thanksgiving. Varying family asked how I was and to hear the excitement in their voices that I'm so near to them where I'm usually so far away... I don't think one week was enough to be here.

Grandma is kinda sad I'm leaving and I haven't even left yet; she asked three times if I absolutely have to go to work Monday (I do).

Some things have changed. Grandma is closer to the front of the house now so I'm in a bedroom near the back.

Other things remain intact. She still falls asleep if she stays still too long. She still spends a lot of time in the kitchen and bustles about in there a lot. She still offers me a ton of dessert after dinner (which I declined today, by the way. Maybe tomorrow).

I managed to make my way to the back, update the world on my doings, get a dance in and have commune time.

Commune time had me thinking back a few weeks and I realize that I still feel exactly as I did then. Maybe a bit more strongly. A bit more fiercely. I remember hearing, "I'm not perfect. I want you to know that..." and then, as you surrender to my commitment to love you, "Remember this moment. Remember your feelings right now."

I did and I still do. It only gets better with the time that passes. More solid.

I thought more, but that's something more to be said in person than in journal.

My eyes ache hardcore. I may opt for sleeping early. I wish I knew what to do instead of pullups since I can't do that or lift weights tomorrow. Creativity: activate!!

I also took some pictures when I got here.










That said, I want to thank, Minnellis, Ivan and Hime-chan very specifically for checking on me and chatting with me throughout my trip.

I'll get back to thinking and enjoying my reverie now. Other things happened, but I'll throw that in later.

Good Night

After all of the internal chaos of the last few weeks -- with no clear end in sight -- I would like to say a couple of things:

• thank you Miranda
• thank you Minellis
• thank you Polli
• thank you Marc
• thank you Sanquan
• thank you Rickey

There are other notable mentions, but these are the upper shelf for this process.

Last night was a good night. It was beautiful out. I got to look at a sunset and just enjoy. I worked out a bit and felt a little relief after a long, silent day at the office.

I didn't want to do much, but at the request of some friends, I went out to see my hollywood man-crush in a movie called "Killer Elite". My favorite person in that movie, though, wasn't even my man-crush; it was Robert DeNiro.

Before that, I talked to Rickey for a bit before deciding I really needed a walk. I took a nightwalk to a stream and did my workout for the day and danced through my dance playlist. It was relieving.

After the movie, I ate some tuna and chilled out with everyone. After that, we played tag in the dark until about 2:30 or so when they had to go home. I wish they didn't; it was nice to have the company. It was rough and tumble. I learned some wrestling things. Very fun things, but hard to use; submissions can painful things. I'm going to try to perfect them, but I hope I never have to use it... then again...

I miss Polli a lot. I need him soon.

I'll get back to work now as I have some video work to do soon and that should be the end of any productive work today.

In any case, I'm enjoying the moment and I wanted to share that. There will be much more night to come, so any shining star should be recognized and celebrated...

...gosh, that has me thinking about so many things right now. I hope my safeguards are enough for now.

Good Night

I really was mellowed out last night for most of the night last night. We hung out at the Chinese restaurant with Rickey and it was chill until I read the placemat. On the placemats, there were zodiac animals (I'm the year of the dog) and of course, where the rooster appear, it said, "Cock."

Commence laughter.

To make it worse, there was marriage and friendship advice which of course included:

• marry the cock
• avoid the cock
• the cock is your best sign
• you are most compatible with the cock

So of course, I crack up laughing. Now, about my laughter... it's infectious. The problem is that no one knew what I was laughing at, so they thought I was just being random. When the other guys got up, I explained to the one person remaining what I was laughing about. When the other two returned, they started reading the placemat.  Mind you, they still didn't see what I saw, so I was still trying to refrain from laughing... unsuccessfully.

Aside from that humor, when we got home. Joe and Rickey watched the videos on my phone from the fight. Heather and I watched a few youtube videos. They were riotous. I also showed her the tone matrix and robot unicorn attack. After that, we started watching funny japanese prank videos for a bit until they all got ready to go (and I didn't want them to, but such is I guess).

After that Rickey and I talked a bit and I thought about some other stuff I had mentioned while cleaning another bathroom. I have some work ahead of me. A lot of work. Long work. I'm ready for it though. I thought about some other things related to my goals. I thought about the irony of asking someone to walk a path with me that I suppose I am destined to ultimately walk alone. I thought what it would mean to be someone other. Rickey and I talked about that last night. Sometimes, you make a decision and it changes the externals. Other times, it changes the foundations and cores. Is the core of me something I really want to change? I gather that he thinks that the core of who I am shouldn't be lost to the world, but that I should be more expressive about my inward feelings when they are not pleasant so that other people have the full range of my feelings. 

I'll be content with those and the other thoughts we shared for now.

There were a lot of other, small (and not so small) things that happened between there and sleep that made last night pretty awesome and I was happy for them. I'm glad I fell asleep when I did, though. I would have had to take a walk on the wild side otherwise.

Finally, thanks to Rebecca, I have a new song crush. I was trying to avoid it because I didn't know what it was, but I'm such an addict to songs with funky/groovy/simple basslines and other catchy tunes, so now I'm totally crushing on Afro Gunsou. The song is silly and japanese and has the most nonsensical lyrics. It's even more fun than Cake's version of Mahna Mahna.

Okay, I guess I'll get to work on reading these contracts and other paperwork and take it from there. I have a lot to think about today. I'm feeling a bit wild now, but hopefully that will settle down. I'm running aground some startling realizations about myself, but I'll .... talk about that later.

Blood Mountain

So last night, I went to the party at the Leviner's. My ninja instincts kept things from getting too embarrassing, but I did get pictures taken with cat ears, a scarf, and a tiara. I scared Anna by waking up suddenly, though.

Black and white films were watched.

I spun around a lot and pinned a tail on a cat.

I popped a balloon.

After this, I drove to Elberton to take Andie back (I drove up to pick her up) and then drove off to Blairsville where I am now with Josh and Christa Edmonds ♥

So far, it's cool. Josh is so big and he has even longer hair. They have two dogs -- Brink and Topher. I think Brink tried to bite me because I look like a graham cracker. I had to set him straight. It took a bit, but after the initial excitement, then calmed down and were all friendly.

We soon went to sleep and today we are hanging out. These dogs are nuts and I think Brink has to be the most jealous, possessive animal I have met in some time.

About the title, though... to get here, I had to circumvent this windy mountain road. I'm already exhausted at 1AM and these roads are turning at crazy angles. I think I could have easily flown off a rail or something, but I finally made it here. At 34 degrees. Ugh!

Party Time

I spent most of today at home. A few conversations spawned annoyance and being irritated, I tried to play a game or two of LOL with James. It took a while, but we finally made it work. During this, Phillip came over and we hung out for a few hours. In that time, we drove and went to the mall where I got a new pair of pants and a couple of non-black shoes. I love them, but I own brown things, too, so yeah....

Couldn't find the pants I wanted, but I ended up with a new pair of jeans (I have four now) and a few pair of new undies I wanted to buy before.

After that, we grabbed a bite, then came back home where I promptly laid down to take a nap. When I came to (Phillip was working hard to wake me), I remembered a party I was asked to attend and promised Phillip I would take him to, so without too much fuss, I took him there.

I was immediately hugged so hard by so many people I was probably broken into sub-atomic particles.
Twice.

It was love from every corner of the room. They were glad to see me. They were saying the party had died, but within moments people were singing and buzzing about and still hugging me. I was hugged every two minutes or so until I left the party I am sure. After a few hours at the party, I hugged everyone and left with some clear observations and thoughts on a few things to be sure and made my way home.

When I got home, my roommate and his friend and two other girls were in front of the apartment. I ushered them in while being reminded that I was supposed to party with them. I took some things upstairs and prepared to ignore the partying and all this like I did every other time they were here.

I got upstairs and decided to do something different. I walked downstairs to cheers. My roommate couldn't have been happier and everyone else lit up as well, so I stayed. I played beer pong, but I don't drink beer -- it's gross -- so I drank a Mountain Dew. Afterward, I finally got that friggin McGriddle I wanted (oh so yummy) and listened to kpop (one of the ladies was Korean and went crazy over it). After a while, I played Rockband until I finally went to bed at 6:45~ AM while typing this entry. XD

All in all, it was a good night. Lots of inebriated people (some of which were so polite and proper while drunk it was nearly absurd) and lots of love. Apparently, I make a lot of people very very happy without meaning to or trying to. I think I can live with that.

I got a message from Joe later asking how all the parties went. I think it's safe to say, they went well.

On to Joe's House

Today, I took the day off and chilled out with Rickey and Joe.

This was splendid. We missed getting a McGriddle, then ran a ton of errands. Once that was over, we chilled out and watched youtube and laughed. After that, Rickey went with Sanquan somewhere and I rode home with Joe.

While riding, we talked about everything and nothing. I thought about the convo I had with Christa the day before about so many things including a question she asked. It was funny, shocking, and sweet. In answer to her following statement, "yeah, he makes me happy. I love celebrating anyone in my life that brings happiness into it."

Going on, when I arrived, he asked if I wanted to meet his wife and kid. His kid, Izaac, was at the door watching. He's like a year old.

I walked in and within minutes, I was playing with Izaac who offered me some of his juice, boxing gloves, and a fun game of tag, and a book. His parents -- Joe and Heather -- watched in amazement; Izaac is shy around strangers and normally doesn't play with them or allow them to pick him up. My response: "I bring out the unusual in people."

We went outside where Izaac played until he was tired. At that point, Joe's dad asked if he could show me something. He showed me his bow and arrow and let me shoot a few. It was my first time and it's strangely addictive. It took me three shots to hit the box, but I finally did. He told me all about the hunting he does and the corn he laid out and I just allowed myself to fall into the story of his life. He's a simple, adventurous man that likes to hunt for sport, but takes the deer he kills and processes them and it's all eaten or given to places to cook. I like this idea. It was fun to get to know him a bit better and he seemed to enjoy talking to me. I talked to Joe and Heather a bit more and went home.

Awesome people.

Polli, then Brett came over later. The guys came home a bit after that, pregamed, and now they're all off to the club. I think Polli is drafting me for a run tomorrow morning. I am going to hate myself, but maybe I won't. Either way, this day is a win... except for James being a douche and quitting mid-game in LOL and guaranteeing my loss in the process. Blah :P

Breathe, Report, Run

I could be working, but the people from HQ are being asshats, so I'm going to blog.

The last few days have been rough. I was more depressed earlier in the week just because that's how cycles work, but my mood is lightening toward the end and I am good with that. I'll write about this with titles because there's too much going on not to include them.

CEDRIC'S PROJECT
He asked me to help him with a project in jsp (java servlet page script). I can't do that, so I tried to write the program in PHP and let him translate the logic. He has a sucky teacher (I know from just talking), so he had a hard time translating the concepts. He actually tried to ask the teacher if he could turn in the project in PHP instead (bastard!), but the teacher said no (as I predicted).

He ended up dropping the class as neither he nor anyone else in the class had a clue as to how to go about doing this. He did offer to pay me for the work I did, but I settled for dinner and friendly hugs.


ROOMMATE STUFF
James moved. Rickey and I are really random. When we talk, it's deep and intense and funny. When we don't talk, we don't even see each other.

The latest talk we had was on destiny and, on my side, I presented things from the only point of view I understand which is, of course, attached to my faith... which I pointed out several times. I think it gave him a lot to think about. Seeds are planted.


FREAKIN CATS
Sleeping in my shoes. Eating all the food. So so cute though. Azumi curled up on me, purred, and meowed until I followed her into the kitchen to give her more food and water. :D


MINIMALISM
I'm so far into it since I started and I'm still shedding stuff. Not as much at once, but I'm always thinking about things I have and don't need. I finally had to give Hello Kitty the boot as she's just taking up space, but I did enjoy her for the time I had her on my desk.


RECONNECT
So I finally caught up with Waz which was excitement and a half. I randomly called and he picked up and we talked for a couple of hours. I'm glad this happened. It was quite a bit of download, but I was cooking dinner so that helped pass the time and it was a really big, protein-y, vegetable-y dinner. :D

Last night, Polli came over while I was working with Marc to undertand GIT (ugh!). He whiled away the time while I programmed until Marc fell asleep. We got dinner, Rickey asked me to tune his guitar (I can tune by ear), and Polli and I talked about Occupy Wall Street and a lot of political things until we were tired and I remembered that being a zombie at work is not the move.

In the morning, I got up, showered instead of ignoring the clock, got dressed and used the last of my minutes to lie next to him on the couch and say nothing for a while. I'm glad I did. Some moments you pass over with friends not doing silly things like this because you think you'll have that moment later and you regret that decision later.

Not I. I don't choose that life.

So I laid there until 8:31 where I promptly:

• gathered my things
• forgot something
• gathered the something I forgot
• got him to take me to the bus stop to squeeze in a few more seconds while he tried to kill me by making a turn when someone clearly had the right-of-way
• tore my shirt on the way out of the door and creatively put it back together in such a way that it looks normal

All of that in a few minutes. After that, I read my work email to get a jump on what needs to happen today and read email that pissed me off. Let me explain that now.

WORK BITCHES

Yesterday, I was asked to make a bunch of changes to our website. There are two people in our company that manage making changes. One of them didn't have time (college classes) and the other just didn't feel like it because it was outside of her office hours (4 hours/day). I fumbled through it, but I figured it out in about two hours.

Today, she writes this:

To: Marquis Dugger; Alessio Artuffo
Subject: Re: Website lay out
 See, I now had to take the whole element away now from the carousel (unable to edit it due to connection problems), but please do not change any page lay outs in the future! The lay out is all planned on web concept level for our global marcom needs and site structure must remain as it is.
 Also, I lose time when I need to rework on the site to fix these.
 I am sure you understand :)
 Ciao,
M

Wutdafukk?! Is this bitch (yes, bitch) for real?! We have a time-sensitive email campaign going out that you didn't want to help with and you start your day with a complaint? I made that page look hot. I mean damn sexy for someone that hasn't used the system even once. Seriously, look at it since the bitch didn't even have to actually edit anything!

I really wanted to go ham, but I wrote:

M:
 I can understand that perfectly and considering how this went, I am excited and positive that I'll be able to get your assistance with any future, time-sensitive projects as I ask for it.
 For that, I thank you in advance!
 ----
MD

Get on my level and don't you dare come at me like that at the beginning of my day ever again before I smack that accent off of you! Grrrrrr. While I'm on that, I love the people I work with but the people at HQ are really unsupportive as fuck sometimes.

Whatever. I'll make things work and it will cost them money. End trans.

OTHER THINGS

I looked up the meaning of the word pansexual yesterday on wikipedia as someone described me with that word. Some of this made me smile because of it's accuracy. In particular, this:

Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person's personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender.

I love that. I really do.

I'm thinking of ways to get rid of things. I guess I just need to steel my nerves and go ham on everything I view as immediately unuseful.

That work thing? Yeah, we just cleared that up. We were friendly about it and it only took a moment. The marketing person thought I did something intentionally that was only a mistake. Now that we've clarified that it was unintentional, things are golden. She gave me a few other pointers about things we can/can't do and we're fine now. Absolutely fine.

Ale slept in today. I love my boss, but this man is off the chain sometimes.


DAD ISSUES
The other day, I bought a cookie and I was walking to the bus stop. Suddenly, I was hit full-force with missing my dad. I wanted a hug. Specifically from him and I couldn't have it then. I texted him and said, "Days like today, when I think about you, I wish I had superpowers." He called later, but I was too busy with things to pick up right then and so the story goes.

I'm almost 30 and I just get blindsided still with the most basic things from childhood. I wish he were here. I wish I could ask him things. I wish we could just hang out and talk about something/nothing/anything at all and all I can get in return is another bill in the mail and the sharp realization that I just left my adult, grownup job.

Fuck adulthood, I want my dad.

This is said as a person that grew up with and in a generation of people that were physically/spiritually/emotionally/mentally abandoned/left by their fathers and chose to say, "We'll do this without you AND BE GOOD AT IT!!!!!" and we were....

...but we still need them. It's not even a something they do as much as who they are and how that affects us as we grow up. I am convinced I wouldn't be the way I am in a lot of ways that would be better for me if he were here. I guess I came out okay and thank God that I know The Father to the Fatherless, but I still miss him and I want him near and this will haunt me -- and all of us that are a part of this fatherless generation -- for the rest of our lives. That sucks.


ON A HAPPIER NOTE
The sun is making its presence known and this white chocolate mocha is good and this brownie should be epic and I got paid today. Life on the whole is good and I even managed to update my phone to iOS5 without issue.

This is good times.

Moving Day

Rickey talked to me this morning about last night. After he said his piece and James filled in some gaps, Rickey went off to work. Shortly after, James's parents called and he met them for lunch.

That left me in the house, so I vacuumed each room and prepped some things to be moved for James whenever he came back. This is one of those moments where this minimalism thing shows its true beauty: it took me less than 45 minutes to move my whole room.

Mind you, I haven't said as much about my minimalist things that I do, but that's because it's so much a part of my life and habits, I don't feel the need to report on it often if ever unless something special happens.

Going on, I hung the modems on the wall instead of keeping them on the desk and got rid of my mini bookshelf since James left me an end table. My closet has a door, so now I have a place to leave my pull-up bar hung up without having to leave my room door open.

After that, I vacuumed the room I left and then had the bright idea to move Rickey's room into the room I left, so he'd have a larger room. Finally, I put everything that will end up going to the Goodwill in the smallest room and locking the door. I'm the only one with the keys to it, so that works.

I vacuumed each room before putting things in order and then circled back to my new room and moved things around. It was a good afternoon of doing that and writing code.

Men came by and talked with me for a while. After that, because of some encouragement I got from Miranda, I went and hung out with the fam at bowling. All laughs and smiles and just chilling out. Irritated with some things, but not each other and I got to see the babies (Kyla and Seyvion). Wish they would have shut up about the lady at the counter; she's always sweet to me.

After that, we played pool where I won against Clive (who joined us later after work) and my bowling team won (I'm the only one on the team that broke 100 pts). Rickey showed up with his friend Ace, who I recognized and spoke at; I would say "to", but he just looked at me weird and declined to respond. Whatever.

I went back home with Men and he dropped me off, then went back to his place. I went upstairs and enjoyed the quiet and the stark barrenness of my new room. It's effin gorgeous. I'm happy with it.

Brett just called me and ranted a bit. I guess he needed that and that's cool.

I watched some youtube clips James sent. I hope things go well from here on with him.

I think I want a bed. I think I want a bed. What is wrong with me?