Missing the Phonebooth

I'm smiling and I'm fumbling with the right words with which to start. I tell you not to worry about it, but here I am, doing a similar thing, at 8:50AM on Saturday morning. The sun is already stretching its arms and I'm radiating energy from the center of my chest and I'm thinking about you.

The thought, just the thought, fills me with gentle warmth. You see, I had written about you before, but didn't expect you to arrive quite so early. I'm glad you didn't bother with the formalities this time around. I'm a world of excitement and wonder right now. The only thing you're missing is the 1950's tollbooth. How do I even begin?

Your touch is sunrise and twilight and all of the best parts of every season: the newness of spring, the warmth of summer, the gentle transition of fall, and the silence beauty of winter snow. You do so much without even trying and I will always fail to grasp how on earth I could be allowed to possess a gift so lavish. I just don't know.

It seems like not long ago, we were so peripheral to each other; I imagine that I was to you. Now.... dear God now. Now the sunrise is a text that says "Buenos dias" and the moon and stars make their way to the nighttime sky as you write "Hey you, how was your day?" This is littered with letters and conversations about everything from the mundane to the monumental. I don't know how you exist. You weren't supposed to. I even ranted about your not existing.

Then you walk, just as casually and boldly as you please, onto the canvas of my life with streaks of gold, green, and purple in your wake. You're so gentle. Regal. How do I even go on with these descriptions? Then you speak to me. You're brave, afraid, and so very life-giving. You're so loving and - somehow - you love everything about me. Did I mention that I don't get this?

Then there is the feel of you. The way you lace your fingers with mine. I can still feel them there. They belong here. Maybe I waited this whole time just to hold your hand. I am so okay with that. The way you are so sensitive to everything. You see so much without my saying it. I don't know if I have a person in my life that has your level of insight even when I give them a written guide.

You fill me with so much peace. So much more this than anything. Just peace. You are the least demanding person I know. You want me to be and grow and thrive and you place no demands on what that involves. You make me bolder somehow, braver, more alive. I was doing okay beforehand, but now I don't know how I even functioned. It's so stupid. So very stupid. So beautifully stupid.

The insane thing is, it gets better. It grows longer. I get to keep walking with you. Why on earth did you keep me waiting so long? It was hard waiting, you know. Do you know? I mean really hard. If there is a such thing as a next life or reincarnation, you need to catch me in grade school and make sure I never get out of your sight. Ever.

I'm already thinking about the letters we will write and that I will read while crying, laughing, thoughtfully pondering the response to as I draw on ages-old wisdom to talk to you about the contents. I'm smiling in front of the bedroom window and it is 7:26PM and it was a long day, but there's that envelope with your name on it and I feel energized to read and read and read and read and I forgot that I was supposed to eat dinner and I hug your letter as if somehow, if I wish hard enough, you would appear right then and there and....


...I love you so much.

About Me, About Her

It's been a while since I've written now and, when last I wrote, I had hoped to have a companion.

I have one now.

It was years of seeds planted in small deeds and kindnesses with no particular end goal, but it all feels so sudden and every day finds me trying to put words to all of it. I am so grateful. Her name? Well, I call her Jazz. There's a story to that. :)

If I had to tell the story, it would sound like a rom-com. In essence, it is beautiful and regal and spiritual and full of handwritten letters.

I have asked to be smitten and I couldn't have a more resounding response than this.

Aside from that, I've been sorting through things with work, home, and life.

At home, I have Morgan, Quan, and Ben. Things are hard all over. Morgan is depressed for a number of reasons. I get it, but I don't. He's wasting his life and he won't - or maybe can't - avail himself of anything he knows or that I would happily share in order to change his circumstances.

Quan is where he is and trying to move forward. We've not spoken in a while and probably won't for longer still. One night, as he was putting on clothes, a friend of his asked him to go out. This friend asked me to help encourage him to go out. Instead of Quan saying, "Marquis, I really don't want to go out. Please change subject..." or a similar thing, he makes an effort to spite me by stating that if he goes, I have to go.

So I prepped myself and went. While we are driving to the bar and as we arrive, he asks if I'm okay. If something is bothering me. I say nothing and sip on a drink. He then says that he intentionally brought me out to the bar in an attempt to cause me pain. Out of something that borders on malice. I am his friend; I thought I was. Then this happens.

There are a lot of things for which I have patience and tolerance and maybe more than I should in a few areas, but the one thing I will not abide is someone in my life that causes me pain while calling me friend. I've not shared a thought with him since that day. I'm vaguely aware of what he does and how he is; just enough to keep the bills paid.

I hear he's been asking about me to see how I'm doing. He'll only ever get that information, in brief at best, from me; I refuse to share myself with people that intentionally wound me. It wasn't even that big of a deal, but the fact that he would try to hurt me on purpose is unforgivable for me.

Ben has been at the house for about 3 months. Nearly four now. In that time, he's made several bad decisions and very few, if any, good ones. In spite of my willingness to help him and the effort I've made to demonstrate that willingness, he is not interested in changing his situation. Now that he's been there long enough for me to demonstrate my patience, I am going to have to have him move. I care about him, but he isn't moving forward or growing and lately, not even respecting the space he's in: the living room.

Dishes on the floor, dishes in the sink. I keep having to remind him to clean them. I know he's going through a hard time and that time will be very long for him, but I can't keep making excuses for the nonsense he does.

At work, recently they've set a path for the kinds of help we need. The company has finally grown beyond our ability to manage it well so we're hiring new salespeople. I was approached yesterday about a position which includes both development and project management. To say the least, I'm very happy about it and I look forward to what is to come in this respect.

Going back to Jazz: she'll be here in 3 weeks. I'm not even excited; that's an inaccurate word. It is a settled peace. A knowing that, when she arrives and I can see her smile, talk, or just give her a hug, that I can relax. It is hard to explain apart from there. I can simply let out a long sigh and relax. I look forward to the peace we will bring to each other in 8 days from now.

It's July

It's July. The end of a long hiatus from the general social scene. Well, online at least. It's been a long month out of the limelight. In a sense, I'm reluctant to go back to it. I can already image the things I will probably need to delete or remove before I even really "settle in" like a mile and some change off. I don't know how to feel about it yet. We'll see how the next week or so goes.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, but the one I want to bring to the surface is care and concern. I have a limited amount of things I can care about. This isn't some crazy revelation and I get that, but it's becoming more important to me where I place this concern. I'm starting to feel in a more factual way that it's being wasted with tending to every single down, sad, broken person I see. Some people just seem to genuinely enjoy being broken. I can't do anything about that. There's always problems and situations and all of this and I'm one man. Man. I'm not a god and I don't really want to be (although having comic-book styled powers could be helpful to my aims).

I need to narrow down my list and keep it narrow. The rub here is that it is a good thing to care about fewer things. I'm not advocating being blind to everything else around you, but my concern for those things around me is probably going to become significantly more passive if they are outside of my selected area of concern. I don't have the energy for it. Never did, if I think about it. I just worked and worried myself to exhaustion in giving to other people and things that it might have been better not to. I'll never know, but I'll experiment. If I feel I should widen my scope, I will. If not, I'll leave it narrow.

Also: Ianto....

That is all. Happy July.

Flotsam

I've just spent a lot of time thinking about thinking about thinking. It's all rehashing conversations. A lot of different parts of conversation that have been spoken over a period of months. What I find is that I'm in a near-constant state of reflection on things that have happened and what I can learn from them; it makes life hard if you go through it and learn nothing.

I come back to bygone moments and replay them. Sometimes, I wonder what I was thinking. Sometimes, I know too well. Most times, I find that I believed things and people that didn't mean what I thought they meant or should have meant. I run aground this particular set of thoughts every day. Some days, I find it amazing in so many ways that I'm even capable of loving at all. That alone is proof to me that there is a God. I don't know how I could find anything in life worth enjoying or giving myself to without Him.

About that: it seems so much harder than it actually is, this relationship. I did, however, walk up to a nearby church and hang out there for a while and just talked for a bit about things. It's good to know He's always listening and He hears. He's not asleep at the wheel. I can count on Him. He means what He says and He always makes good on those words.

It's been about a month now since I last posted anything on twitter, facebook or google+. Some days I miss it, but for the most part, I find that I am just fine without it. More than fine, actually. I have logged in to check for messages, but other than that, nothing. I want to say that I'm surprised, but I'm not. This is the way most people are as far as I've been able to experience them. They like ideas and feelings, but not realities. I've mentioned this idea before. Probably a few hundred times. It will come up again. Anyway, the reason for stating it is this: for everyone I've met, for everyone that's ever liked a status and written some kind of comment or statement about how inspiring those posts are, guess how many of them have contacted me in the last month or so? About fifteen. Maybe less. That is the number of people willing to attempt to reach me when it isn't convenient for them. This is a good thing to know. I suppose I thought more of it all than this, but that's just not the way it is. Before I go too far overboard, though, I'll just make note of changes in communication trends and all of this, but you would think people would know if I went missing for months. As someone said to me about something I thought was very real, It seems serious, but it really isn't... Don't be hurt or offended or saddened by it. Unlike the time I read that message, however, I have other, appropriate responses I can choose.

I'm told that, more often than not, I'm a serious person. Deep feelings. Deep thoughts. Nearly constant and overwhelming because of that fact. Here are my official thoughts on this matter: deal with it. I've always been that way and I will be for the rest of my life. It's needed.

I'm looking forward to returning home today to think, organize and clean. I'm also excited about shaving; I feel like a werewolf and I really shouldn't have been so lazy this week, but then again, I've had plenty of good reasons to stay in bed a little bit longer than usual this week and I wouldn't have done otherwise. I'm kind of excited about my 5PM appointment today, then maybe I'll chill :) Who knows?

That's another miracle from God: I have something to look forward to. I enjoy being alive and I don't have a good reason why other than Him, honestly. I guess that's all you really need, though.

I'm thinking about text messages I've gotten this week. So silly... among other things :)

Ah! Almost forgot. Watched How to Train Your Dragon this weekend. So good! Just.... ugh. Such a good movie and fun to watch. I also finished watching Full Metal Panic! Good anime! That was a fun watch and I totally binge watched it this weekend! Who says I don't still "got it"?! HAHHH!!!!

The photo-a-day project is still going pretty well and aside from that I'm getting a bamboo soon to work on other aspects of art. I want to make a short graphic novel before I'm 34. This should be fun.

You know, thinking about it, I thought there would be sad undertones to this journal and, there is some sadness, but overall, I'm pretty happy right now. Thank you, Jesus.

Saying It All

It was a long story, but I finally spoke it out. Well, most of it. I mean, there's just too much detail to recount.

I had an angry entry in queue, but you know what? Doesn't matter now. I have something better and I feel how much better it is even as I type. It conjures up feelings from a while back and while I'm a bit... akimbo... about that, but I'm equally excited/happy/content in this.

It's getting late-ish; I should sleep, but I want a burger.

I found out that red meat has some funny side effects that makes me smile at how much I love cheeseburgers.

I might be going on another one of those out-of-state adventures.

Goodness, I have a lot to process today.

I Must Say

 Maybe this isn't everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay, but I really do love the unhibited expressions of joy in praise break videos and this is one of mine. This one was a bit more controlled than most, because it was in the midst of a concert, but I want you to watch the video at about 3:29.

This guy politely excuses himself from the stands and goes ham. I mean, hammmmm. To say the least, it is ridiculous in every positive sense of that word.

I love that I can understand what that means. I'm thinking dude just started knocking down some giants for everyone around. I mean everyone. Just watch the dude. You can't even begin to keep up with that stuff. That's happened to me a couple of times in my life. Nothing like being there... or rather, not being there. You're so one with the moment you disappear and it is the best thing in the world that can happen to you -- well, okay, not really: meeting Jesus is the best thing that can happen to you -- but you get the idea.

It put a smile on my face to watch this and it always does when I watch it.

Evolving Wilds

Sometimes, you feel a little wild on the inside. In the midst of much quiet and non-movement, it settles on you that if you don't move, something bad will follow. I'm there right now. I'm listening to Adele (Lovesong if you want to know) and Polli is here and I can't seem to shake the thought that I need to throw everything right out of the window from the metaphorical to the literal and just reset every single thing.

I want out. I want away. I want different. I want a clarity of space. Not even of mind or heart right now, just space. I need things out of my space. I need my space to be smaller. I need my space to look and feel more like how I feel inside and that demands space. More of it.

And less.

I need less things I don't need. Repeat: less things I don't need. I don't even want anything new right now (I can think of things, though) more than I want things out and gone and away from me.

I'm in the middle of four winds of feelings and that said, I'm going to chase one of them. Wish me luck.

For That Which I Rejoice

Yesterday was turned around by an odd set of circumstances. I intended, in full, to avoid people. I slept in late. I wore headphones. Yada yada.

As I decided to get some food and finally interact with people, I was reminded there was a wedding today and that I should dress casually for it. As such, I wore jeans. I was told, by the roommate I soon discovered did not know the difference between "casual" and "formal", that I couldn't wear jeans to this wedding. I ended up in my grey suit. We were on our way, rather shortly, to Chamblee for a traditional cambodian wedding.

Upon arriving, we were sent away to grab more pens. We ended up in a store where the person at the counter didn't know much english (she spoke spanish). Rickey looked at me nervously, then asked me to ask her where the pens were. I did. Unfortunately, there were none, but the conversation went well enough.

We picked some up at a nearby gas station and headed back to the wedding. We were greeted by the bride, groom and the rest of the wedding party. The guys were dressed like the person in the picture above. There was a ten course dinner, but there were three of those courses at least I couldn't eat. It was good food. There was heineken and cognac. I just had the heineken (this is beer, by the way) and stuck with coke or water for the evening. There was a lot of talking, eating and laughing. Mostly in cambodian, which I enjoyed even if I didn't understand a single word.

There was a lot of traditional music and a fair bit of dancing. Of course, I took to this quickly once they got me out onto the dance floor. Everyone from the young to the old (and especially the old) took full advantage of that time to have all the fun they could. No one present managed to avoid dancing. It was so fun. So simple. I had all of the things on my mind that I normally do, but I gave it a break and enjoyed the moment I was in. The changing of the bridal dress signaling the different stagesd  of the wedding, the way people picked up food to feed other people. The modesty of dress. The amount of phones out at times. It was delightful and I enjoyed all of the time I spent there just taking it all in.

Some moments are just too good to waste any time thinking about all the things you have to be sad, angry or frustrated about.

I'm glad I went.

With that, I return to the rain outside and a good book.

Are You Happy

Someone asked me this yesterday.

You're older than me; are you happy?

They commented that I seem to be down sometimes and lately they haven't known what to make of it.

My answer to that was an unequivocal yes; my life for all of its stumbling about is a good one. I have loved, I am loved and that most of all by God Himself. I do frown and furrow an eyebrow now and then; the world in which I live is not sorrow-free and that was never promised to me or anyone else. At the same time, it is a beautiful world and I find that when I look around me, my heart is filled with an acute, puncturing sense of gratitude. That is to say: I am thankful to be alive and I believe that every day has amazing possibilities for things to do, learn, and become.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One moment at a time. I am becoming closer to what God wants me to be -- sometimes kicking and screaming -- and I love every moment of it. I have a tattoo and a mohawk; in short, I'm evolving some and continuously shuffling off this sin-filled shell until That Day.

That said, I'm happy. The feeling, fleeting at best, but as a general state, it is default.

New Tattoo

It's been a long time coming, but I'm happy to announce that I am the owner of a new tattoo. I've wanted one for a while now and I've drawn a couple of sketches. It was a methodical thing, really; I never do anything like this without a lot of thinking. I mean a lot of thinking.

After months of thoughts and planning, the funny thing is how it finally happened; my tattoo artist, Sarock, called me and asked if I wanted to get my tat today because he was bored.

Worked for me.

It took a while to outline and fill in, but this is pretty cool. I did a couple of things to make things easier:

1. headphones. music soothes the soul. it also makes a good distraction.
2. mouthpiece. instead of crying out when i'm in pain, i tend to grind my teeth. because of that, i took measures to keep my mouth from bleeding. the outlining hurt a little bit, so it ended up being better than a good idea.
3. calming music. i didn't listen to a dance playlist, but a soft one that i use for preparing for bed. the calming music put my mind in a more restful, meditative mood. this also took the edge off of some of the pain.
4. prayer. i prayed. no, not for myself, but for other people that came to mind while being tattooed. it gave me something positive to do with my thoughts.
5. relaxing. i used the mood of my music to keep my body relaxed instead of tense. this helped the process a lot more than one would realize.

In the end, the process was a little less than two hours long and I really like the tattoo. It, like every tattoo I will get, has a meaning and a very special one. This one is about the ones I love. There is subtext for this tattoo, but it will be added on a different day. I will not translate the text, but here's the basic idea: do not touch the things or people that I treasure. Doing so will earn you my unyielding wrath.

Oh, that is a mohawk, by the way. Yes, it is mine.

Wedding Day

They got married. It was beautiful and I did what I set out to do; I was the most pleasant person you could have hoped to meet (and that on two hours' sleep).

After a while of being there, I congratulated the both of them and gave them a hug. Individually and at different times.

The ceremony was outdoors. Beautiful weather. Rebecca sang [God bless the broken road] to Josh and then the wedding vows following (not to mention the preceding song) set a highly emotional atmosphere. It was pretty intense.

After that, there was this chatter and that. Some of it I had to politely curb just out of respect. I was called both an unofficial fiancé and a son-in-law among other things.

Well, let's talk about those things, I guess.

Loss. Yeah, it strokes my ego, but I'll not have that on someone's joyous day. It's flattering, but inappropriate and I'll not curse the happiness God has blessed.

Ex-fiancé. Do you really introduce someone that way? Smh.

All that aside, good to see people in love and loving. God bless their journey together.

Pathway

It was standing there and just taking in the moment, that I remembered so much.

We're walking this together. I had forgotten I think; it had been so long since then. Since that.

Standing there at that time, I thought about the path I had been on walking with you -- sometimes ahead, sometimes behind. At some point, I thought I was alone.

Again.
As always.

Then I see your love for me that remains, faithful as ever it has been and possibly more meaningful.

I just wrapped my arms around it and held on as long as I dared while the whispers of love floated around my ears.

"I love you."
"Funny; I was thinking the same thing..."

It was an instant in time, but just taking it all in was delightfully overwhelming. I was happy and being there with you made me that way. For a time, I closed myself off to surrendering myself to that; so often do people leave that I often forget that not all do or will.

For that moment, I forgot that and just allowed myself to be loved and love without thinking it through. It was good. Wanted. Needed. And just when I had thought to let you go and settle for that moment, you hold on a little tighter and a little longer; no, this is better. This is permanent. This is real. Stay here. Live here.

I think I could get used to that again. I really could.

Prayerfully

There is a lot to be accomplished through prayer. I've been praying about some things for a while.

The thing about praying is that it has an action component most people don't give proper place to; prayer is recognition that your life is a (hopefully) cooperative effort to live life together in the will of God.

That said, what I see today is that prayer is not meant to keep you still; quite the contrary. Prayer gets us moving.

Whatever you have been praying about this week, month or year, move on it. Praying for a job doesn't help if you don't apply nor does praying that God "sends you to the nations" if you don't acquire a passport. In fact, you could be right in the way of what you're praying for.

Let me suggest moving from simple prayer to living prayerfully. Be aware of His breathing and leading as you move and live. Our lives in Him aren't sedentary. Start making a step and see what He blesses, then adjust accordingly.

Maybe that's our problem; we want this perfect plan that never has to be adjusted. If that is your prayer today, let me deter you from that foolishnes: a faith-filled life is very minimal when it comes to planning because it is sensitivity-dependent.

Ponder this.
Comment if you want.

Redeeming the Time

Whenever an opportunity to do a kindness presents itself, take advantage.

That would be the ideal, but I can't do that all the time. However, today I took advantage of the one opportunity I got.

Today, I walked into Starbucks for a cup of coffee. The usual suspects were there. Among them, my coffee ninja.

He looked particularly disturbed by something, so I listened. He commented on feeling terrible and wishing for DayQuil as his allergies were going insane. I joked with him outwardly, but inwardly, I thought about it and decided that I would do what I could for this guy. Asking him to guard the cookies I just bought, I left.

I decided not to get the DayQuil and got him allergy meds instead; DayQuil doesn't handle allergies.

Returning to the store, I sipped the coffee (not as chocolatey as I wanted, but good) and nodded my approval, then smiled at him and handed him the bag. I bought him two types as I wasn't sure which one would help him most.

"What's this?"
"It's a bag."
"Don't tell me.... You didn't..."
[I conveniently have coffee in my mouth. Of course, there are customers here]
"Dude, you didn't... I mean... This had to be like thirty dollars..."
[It was, but who cares?]
"Nah...."
[I wave and leave before he can attempt to return the meds]

You know, it's things like this that remind me that God loves me more than anything. Just the chance to help another person. It's a good thing -- a very, very good thing -- that God gives us opportunities to reach out to someone outside of ourselves and help them. It makes us good and feel good and that is freakin' fantastic.

Forging Rocks

I was in a car somewhere the other day and I passed that street. It's been a long time since I've seen it, but I was suddenly happy and light for a moment and thought of all the time that's gone by and things that have/have not happened since then and you know what, I still don't regret or feel differently about any of it.

Saying Goodbyes

Yesterday and most of today, I've thought about things that I'm doing and that I've been thinking that it needs some re-evaluating.

I mean, I have more hours a day available than most people because, simply put, I don't sleep like normal people do. That's fine with me, however. What is not fine is the amount of things that I continue to do that are completely irrelevant to my person in a general sense. There's a list:

• I play League of Legends.
• I monitor social media. Usually facebook or twitter. Mind you, the twitter is relevant to a point because I find work through that channel and so on.
• Skyping with friends gratuitously.

On the other hand, there's a growing list of things that are being pushed aside for those things that are probably more important like:

• daily exercise. Mind you, it's not like I don't exercise, I just need more of it. Like biking and jump rope.
• drawing.
• writing letters.
• "sticking to my plans".

So yesterday, I picked something that takes up more of my time than facebook and I said my goodbyes to that thing. I marked it down internally, but I want to put it on my calendar.

Today, I've felt better in a general sense about some things and some of that directly tied to my goodbye from yesterday.

I think about some other things that have gone on and I'll post about them a bit in another entry, but right here, I want to encourage you to say your goodbyes and part ways with the little (or big) detractors that creep into our lives in spite of our best efforts and distract us from our passions.

I've said the first of many of mine.

No Regret Weekend

As you may know, I have a standing, lifelong commitment to lead a life that has no regret in it. The result of this decision is this campfire. Many times, I write about the things in my life that really irk me about people, but my life isn't about that; those moments are actually a lot smaller than the small positives I experience everyday and I write about those on twitter and the like. I appreciate them, but rarely do I reflect on them as deeply as I have on the events of this weekend.

THURSDAY
I decided to miss work at job #2 since it's not even official yet, and help Alessio with packing after a training meeting with HQ at job #1. I bought him boxes and helped him pack a bit. He was so frazzled, so I tried to keep him in only one place at a time. Bouncing back and forth kept him going wild, but not as wild.

After this, I met up with the crew for the Dalton and Tiffany's wedding rehearsal. That was joy and laughter and apparently a great relief for many people. Afterward, we ate at Chik-Fil-A and went home. I even made a few new friends that night. It was nice.

I played a round or two of LOL, then went to bed.


FRIDAY
Back to other things I needed to do, so more things in the morning I needed to sort out with HQ, then to downtown to meet Alessio. After I met up with him, I helped him pack some more. I had some things coming up for the weekend for which I needed a car, but couldn't find one. Things would be troublesome if I didn't find one.

After helping Alessio pack, I went with him to move things out and get coffee. I had double-booked myself this weekend; there was a camping trip and one other event. I decided to pass up the camping trip, but I met with the guys going to give them money so they could take another person in my place. The meeting was pleasant and full of laughter. Things were said and I'll leave it at that.

After this, I scurried on to job #2. There, I had a couple of meetings and I got a bit of good news. I discussed current project status and plans, then went back to Alessio's where I got his car and went with him to Office Max for more boxes, then to Avis to try to rent a car. I couldn't rent the car because I didn't have a credit card. Totally rental cost with deposit was about $400. I had about $850. I have to be amused at a system that does not allow people with sufficient cash to buy or rent something because they don't have a credit card. Ah well. We went back to Alessio's to finish packing.

I thought and plotted, then called Enterprise. They were an hour from closing, but very helpful and within the hour, I had a car rented and on my way to Alessio's to help him move some things. After this, I went home thinking.

Earlier, Alessio had sent a text asking if I'd drop in for a dinner around 8:30PM. It would be his last dinner with everyone. I had other things planned, but I delayed them because I knew I would regret not having seen him on his last day hanging out with everyone. The fact is, I never know when I'd have that chance again and if that were my last, I would have never forgiven myself for it, so I made the adjustments needed and I spent that time with him.

I tried to workout a bit before dinner, but there just wasn't time. Oh well. The smile on his face and the cheers in the background were more than enough confirmation that the dinner was where I should have been. The food at A Tavola was fantastic; I tried a calamari pizza. The waitress was fantastic, too. Alessio looked like he was going to burst at the seams loving people. He sang songs that he knew on the radio and kept making hugging motions and pointing at me. I smiled and pretended not to notice. A glass of white wine and dinner done, we headed downtown for an hour or two where I ran into all sorts of people that blended the meetings of almost three years into one room; old friends, new co-workers all met together to love one person and it was magic. Alessio hugged me some more and I laughed with everyone, then made my way out into the night, leaving love and blessing with my old boss and telling my new one we would talk again soon.

Two hours later, I got to my destination and went to bed with these thoughts, thankful that I delayed my own personal plans to be with someone else and enjoy the life of their moment.

SATURDAY
I have a backlog on work such that it is ridiculous. I decided to postpone that and simply enjoy the moment I was in. The place I'm in has no insulation, so I was loathe to get out of bed. To my surprise, when I finally mustered up the courage to do this, it was warmer out than my sleeping area, so I went out and enjoyed a sandwich with Korri. We talked about all manner of things and I asked him what there was to do on the mountains; I didn't want to miss an opportunity to see or do something beautiful. It seems he was used to people complaining about the walk to a nearby waterfall, so I asked him to lead me.

The pictures, the sight, the smell, the beauty.... all of it was worthwhile. Every single moment of it. My phone died, so I planned to take more tomorrow morning. Returning home, I talked to Korri some more about a few things. There were pockets of silence here and there, but instead of bothering them, I let them be and eventually, convo flowed again; silence is just as important to convo as sound I think.

I entertained a short business call as well.

I also talked to Joe a bit and that was pleasant. I've missed him greatly. He's doing well and it would be no small thing to say that it makes my heart happy to know this. I think of him often, but that is its own tale.

I laid down in a nearby hammock and enjoyed the sun. Soon, I was asleep. When I woke up, I moved inside where I lay under a blanket while Korri and I spoke some more about this thing or that. I took another short nap and Korri woke me up and asked me outside. Following him, there was a campfire and there I learned to cook hotdogs on it. I took out my iPhone, took pictures and played bluegrass. It was perfect. He brought out some yeungling as well and I drank it. Not good, but not terrible. I finished the bottle, at least. Those hours had to be the manliest hours I've had and I spent it with someone who, being gay, complemented that moment more than some "more manly" guys I know. I am amused.

Korri tried to break apart some wood for the fire, but was having a hard time of it, so I helped him; my training has been handy :D

Moving back to the fire, we continued to talk and enjoy and plan for the day tomorrow. I had a couple of chats with online friends and I've made plans to go to Blairsville; it's nearby and I have friends there. Why not? It seems that I have made a correct decision here as well; it is Josh's birthday today so seeing him while he's near is totally more than appropriate!

TODAY
Today I wanted to write and reflect in thanks. It is 9:30 now. Soon, I will try to begin the day and to the lower falls again and take photos. We will see Blairsville. I will drive home and let my normal life surround me again, but I live this moment now thankful to God for this weekend.

It Should Include You

I have friends that like to get on FB and post random positive things for other people to read. Things like this:

Chill world. Love is here to set you free from judgement, hate, abuse and stress. Just stop turning for a second. Look up and smile, you'll feel better.

This is same friend went out to drink to combat a terrible depression from just thinking about life and not doing what's in the above quote.

I'm not going to make this very long or explain much, so listen carefully: whatever you choose to write to inspire others must inspire you as well. If your beliefs don't touch your own soul, they mean nothing.

Love and Nonsense

Of all things that love is not about, it is definitely not about nonsense.

It seems that my thoughts from earlier caused some anger and right around the point I thought they would and to that response I have only to say that I do not care. I was very careful about the words I picked and if that isn't enough, then it is not my fault. That is all.

Love is not this nonsense and considering other things, I will just feel free to speak my mind about it freely since I'm just damned no matter what I do.

Let's get to it.

The first and most important thing I want to say is that I was wrong. Let me repeat that a couple of times.

I was wrong. Quite wrong. About a lot of things.

There are a lot of things that I chose not to do/chose to do. Being more affectionate (I mean, I did give her a kiss that one time on Memorial Day in my cousin's front yard... and I think around the time of our first date/senior prom). Being more willing to argue (I simply was not. I'm not much more willing now either, truth be known). I could have put her first more often (...but didn't think that there should be that much competition between family, friends, and a lover -- my family and friends are very important to me as I am to them and there is no competing with that from anyone, period).

Fact is, I was younger. There was a lot of things I didn't want to do and pride I didn't want to give up because, "grrrrdammet I have a college degree and I should get an awesome job..." I was apparently a little too honest about my feelings about everything and that was taken as much teasing. I'm sorry that I came across that way; I was simply speaking my mind.

I thought through a lot of this while talking to Michelle yesterday and I'm glad I did take the time to talk to her and get some of this out of my head in word form because I had to think it through. Anyway, the point is that, while I have my reasons for doing things, I could have done some things differently or better or not at all or more often. There will always be that and I have made my peace with that.

Some people apparently have not.

Let me make a note here and cut through some real bs here:  if you don't love someone, it is nothing less than the fact that you do not want to. Let me repeat:

People do what they want to with what they have 100% of the time. It will never be otherwise.

I find it funny, reviewing so many conversations, that there is always a mention of, "There's too much hurt. Too many scars. Too much..." of anything.

I call bullshit.

If you want to love someone, you love them. If you want to be friends with someone, you do it. If you want to spend time with someone, you do that. It's not rocket science and it's not even really difficult. The fact is that people like to lie to others and, worse, they like to lie to themselves, but I'll tell you here and now: I'm not the one for that.

It's easy to get defensive and angry when someone points out how they feel and what they think. Easy and cowardly and it's something a lot of people do. I, on the other hand, choose to own my life. Every bit of it. What I have. What I do. What I don't. The friends I have in my life are because I thought it was worth it and the ones I no longer have is because I don't believe they weren't fighting for (or other reasons that don't need to be known).

Being really specific to one person: your scars have nothing to do with your ability to love or not love. Your problem is selfishness and cowardice. Nothing less. In the end, we're all just bricks in a castle you are building to feel safe from whatever is going to hurt you and relationships of any kind do not work that way. There is a difference between heart change and behavior modification. I'm sure you know this. Behavior modification is easier, but heart change is more desirable and only someone who is brave will ever see it.

That said, I invite you as you invited me in your journal: think what you will. I'll go even further: believe what you will. In the end, I'll be standing still in peace and you will be yelling and screaming at nothing. That's who you've become and I'm fine with that.

Lessons Learned

This week has been quite the week. My job is turning in every direction and that is, at best, a slowly sinking ship, but my eyes are open and I'm hopeful that things will all work out as they should. The way I got this job is a reminder to me at all times, that situations, no matter what aren't just being turned for my good, but for my best when my heart is in The Right Hands.

That said, frustrations at home have been rough. Roommate drama -- especially with Phillip. Before you ask, I have communicated all of this stuff I'm about to write, so I write without fear of it being found out. I snapped at Phillip this week for just being an ass in general. I'm tired and just done with him about that topic. He yells at and bullies people verbally for no reason and most recently, to guests in our home. I'll not continue to put up with that stupidity, so I blew a whistle on that. Big time. He's going to be emo about it for a while, but I don't care.

The other major event of the week involved a conversation with Rebecca. I suppose I could pull up the transcript, but it doesn't matter to a point. The summary question was why.

Before I continue to write on this topic, let me tell you about the track I'm on. These days, I'm a little less sparing of feelings and a little more open on all things including my anger and irritation.

Going on, she wrote me to ask about whether or not I had rented the tux for the upcoming wedding or not. I haven't yet. Honestly, I've had other things that are more important to spend money on. Food, rent, bills, student loans, etc. Not frivolous things; the most frivolous thing I bought recently was pants... and I needed those as I only had four and a bottle of alcohol for a party I attended this weekend (it was whiskey and it was good).

I asked for some simple information about the tux rental, got the info, felt fine. Saved me a trip to the wrong place. Good. Great. Fine.

Please tell me why she then asks, "Are we okay... you and I especially?" After that initial shock, I just went into deeper levels of WTF. The bad thing, when I didn't think I could be more incredulous, I was for the whole conversation. I thought about the conversation afterward and the more I thought about it, the angrier I became until I (politely) demanded an explanation.

Remember that thing about being incredulous in the last sentence? Yeah, the response I got to my request for an explanation (and she did take the time to explain) left me in more shock than the initial conversation. I don't know what to make of it or anything expressed in that conversation other than to be shocked at the fact that of all characters she should or would question, it would ever be mine.

Moving past that, I want to make a comment here about relationships: this isn't My Little Pony. You can't -- and should never -- ask someone to remain emotionally attached to you on any level that you are not willing to actively maintain. Period. I do not understand this especially when it comes to ex-boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. If you have let that person go and have gone so long without talking to them, then asking them "Are we okay?" makes no sense to me. What does it matter at this point? I would think that if all of this meant something, it would have been brought up with proportional frequency. At best right now, this appears to be emotional manipulation. Note the large print because the first time I hear something about accusing someone wrongly, I'm going to run over you like a train and not care. Going on, that's how it appears. Seriously: if you're reading this, I want you to think through this scenario and see what you get.

It also doesn't make sense at all to ask me questions like this two months before a wedding because they are afraid I would ruin their wedding.

Actually, let's talk about that, too. Ruin a wedding? Why would I cause drama for someone on their day? I have never done anything that shortsighted and selfish. At worst, I remain civil and polite and keep it moving. If I feel that strongly against someone, I would simply choose not to be there. I have not ever been the person to crash someone else's party and then talk shit about them when I could be somewhere I actually want to be. Was the fact that I accepted a position as a groomsman not a clear indication that I was not going to cause drama? What convoluted, fucked up world do you live in where people do that nonsense?

I don't have time for it.