Flotsam

I've just spent a lot of time thinking about thinking about thinking. It's all rehashing conversations. A lot of different parts of conversation that have been spoken over a period of months. What I find is that I'm in a near-constant state of reflection on things that have happened and what I can learn from them; it makes life hard if you go through it and learn nothing.

I come back to bygone moments and replay them. Sometimes, I wonder what I was thinking. Sometimes, I know too well. Most times, I find that I believed things and people that didn't mean what I thought they meant or should have meant. I run aground this particular set of thoughts every day. Some days, I find it amazing in so many ways that I'm even capable of loving at all. That alone is proof to me that there is a God. I don't know how I could find anything in life worth enjoying or giving myself to without Him.

About that: it seems so much harder than it actually is, this relationship. I did, however, walk up to a nearby church and hang out there for a while and just talked for a bit about things. It's good to know He's always listening and He hears. He's not asleep at the wheel. I can count on Him. He means what He says and He always makes good on those words.

It's been about a month now since I last posted anything on twitter, facebook or google+. Some days I miss it, but for the most part, I find that I am just fine without it. More than fine, actually. I have logged in to check for messages, but other than that, nothing. I want to say that I'm surprised, but I'm not. This is the way most people are as far as I've been able to experience them. They like ideas and feelings, but not realities. I've mentioned this idea before. Probably a few hundred times. It will come up again. Anyway, the reason for stating it is this: for everyone I've met, for everyone that's ever liked a status and written some kind of comment or statement about how inspiring those posts are, guess how many of them have contacted me in the last month or so? About fifteen. Maybe less. That is the number of people willing to attempt to reach me when it isn't convenient for them. This is a good thing to know. I suppose I thought more of it all than this, but that's just not the way it is. Before I go too far overboard, though, I'll just make note of changes in communication trends and all of this, but you would think people would know if I went missing for months. As someone said to me about something I thought was very real, It seems serious, but it really isn't... Don't be hurt or offended or saddened by it. Unlike the time I read that message, however, I have other, appropriate responses I can choose.

I'm told that, more often than not, I'm a serious person. Deep feelings. Deep thoughts. Nearly constant and overwhelming because of that fact. Here are my official thoughts on this matter: deal with it. I've always been that way and I will be for the rest of my life. It's needed.

I'm looking forward to returning home today to think, organize and clean. I'm also excited about shaving; I feel like a werewolf and I really shouldn't have been so lazy this week, but then again, I've had plenty of good reasons to stay in bed a little bit longer than usual this week and I wouldn't have done otherwise. I'm kind of excited about my 5PM appointment today, then maybe I'll chill :) Who knows?

That's another miracle from God: I have something to look forward to. I enjoy being alive and I don't have a good reason why other than Him, honestly. I guess that's all you really need, though.

I'm thinking about text messages I've gotten this week. So silly... among other things :)

Ah! Almost forgot. Watched How to Train Your Dragon this weekend. So good! Just.... ugh. Such a good movie and fun to watch. I also finished watching Full Metal Panic! Good anime! That was a fun watch and I totally binge watched it this weekend! Who says I don't still "got it"?! HAHHH!!!!

The photo-a-day project is still going pretty well and aside from that I'm getting a bamboo soon to work on other aspects of art. I want to make a short graphic novel before I'm 34. This should be fun.

You know, thinking about it, I thought there would be sad undertones to this journal and, there is some sadness, but overall, I'm pretty happy right now. Thank you, Jesus.