Love and Nonsense

Of all things that love is not about, it is definitely not about nonsense.

It seems that my thoughts from earlier caused some anger and right around the point I thought they would and to that response I have only to say that I do not care. I was very careful about the words I picked and if that isn't enough, then it is not my fault. That is all.

Love is not this nonsense and considering other things, I will just feel free to speak my mind about it freely since I'm just damned no matter what I do.

Let's get to it.

The first and most important thing I want to say is that I was wrong. Let me repeat that a couple of times.

I was wrong. Quite wrong. About a lot of things.

There are a lot of things that I chose not to do/chose to do. Being more affectionate (I mean, I did give her a kiss that one time on Memorial Day in my cousin's front yard... and I think around the time of our first date/senior prom). Being more willing to argue (I simply was not. I'm not much more willing now either, truth be known). I could have put her first more often (...but didn't think that there should be that much competition between family, friends, and a lover -- my family and friends are very important to me as I am to them and there is no competing with that from anyone, period).

Fact is, I was younger. There was a lot of things I didn't want to do and pride I didn't want to give up because, "grrrrdammet I have a college degree and I should get an awesome job..." I was apparently a little too honest about my feelings about everything and that was taken as much teasing. I'm sorry that I came across that way; I was simply speaking my mind.

I thought through a lot of this while talking to Michelle yesterday and I'm glad I did take the time to talk to her and get some of this out of my head in word form because I had to think it through. Anyway, the point is that, while I have my reasons for doing things, I could have done some things differently or better or not at all or more often. There will always be that and I have made my peace with that.

Some people apparently have not.

Let me make a note here and cut through some real bs here:  if you don't love someone, it is nothing less than the fact that you do not want to. Let me repeat:

People do what they want to with what they have 100% of the time. It will never be otherwise.

I find it funny, reviewing so many conversations, that there is always a mention of, "There's too much hurt. Too many scars. Too much..." of anything.

I call bullshit.

If you want to love someone, you love them. If you want to be friends with someone, you do it. If you want to spend time with someone, you do that. It's not rocket science and it's not even really difficult. The fact is that people like to lie to others and, worse, they like to lie to themselves, but I'll tell you here and now: I'm not the one for that.

It's easy to get defensive and angry when someone points out how they feel and what they think. Easy and cowardly and it's something a lot of people do. I, on the other hand, choose to own my life. Every bit of it. What I have. What I do. What I don't. The friends I have in my life are because I thought it was worth it and the ones I no longer have is because I don't believe they weren't fighting for (or other reasons that don't need to be known).

Being really specific to one person: your scars have nothing to do with your ability to love or not love. Your problem is selfishness and cowardice. Nothing less. In the end, we're all just bricks in a castle you are building to feel safe from whatever is going to hurt you and relationships of any kind do not work that way. There is a difference between heart change and behavior modification. I'm sure you know this. Behavior modification is easier, but heart change is more desirable and only someone who is brave will ever see it.

That said, I invite you as you invited me in your journal: think what you will. I'll go even further: believe what you will. In the end, I'll be standing still in peace and you will be yelling and screaming at nothing. That's who you've become and I'm fine with that.