Unbound

It's been four years. Four.

Four.
Years.

I've given you all I can and I'm thinking about that now. Today, I talked to my boss about everything going on. About you. About your leaving. About your reaction to my thoughts about moving. About how you treated me lately.

Never with your name.
Never with your face.

I don't need to. The actions speak for themselves. Like the night "you wanted to play games" or "watch Thor with me".

I explained how you went up to Tennessee to chase this girl, forsaking everyone else. You got there, she doesn't want to talk again – I warned you of this – and you would have been stranded in Tennessee except that you texted me and asked me – no, wait... your words were "humbly ask" – to give you money to get home. Instead of saying, "I told you so...", I transferred money to you. I gave. Like I always do. I gave to my friend.

...my.... friend.

I talked to someone here at work who is older than me. Wiser in some ways. We encourage each other. What he asked me was "How did you serve this friend of yours?" It occurred to me that the immediate answer was not in the giving nor in the why. I just listened while he explained something like this:

"Basically, he seems to run off of the assumption that he can treat you like shit and you'll still be there for him. You don't have to be a p***y because you're a man of God. God forbid, but if you ever asked me for something, I'd at least know you did everything you could to make things work and just needed a little extra help. This guy? What the hell? He's manic. You're a remarkable friend, Marquis. A remarkably good friend, but you're allowing him to do stupid things, too...."

My immediate, and spoken thought was: if this was a drug addiction, I'd be an enabler.

I had another friend – God bless him – that said this:

"I like that you mother a bit and are always willing to bury the hatchet... but you're a king. Act like it."

Not many could understand this reference, but it impacted me and still is. All of this is. I've already proven myself to be the sword that cuts the unneeded things from my path. I've already proven that, when I need to, I will cut down the enemy before me, but I've rarely ever had to cut anyone I really consider a friend.

At least, it was easier when I had a clear reason.

Now... I just sit here thinking that it's not enough that I have to fend off enemies. I now have to fend off my friends. I'm not used to this. It's not comfortable. Hell, it's not right at all. I couldn't have imagined that I would have to be this person on a regular basis. Yeah, I've had to tell people off a time or two for this or that, but there was that and we made amends and we're fine now. Phillip, who made the shorter quote earlier, is an example of someone that has grown into someone that can influence me in the positive now and that's a far cry from a year ago...

... but this....

I have a friend: John T. We've been friends for 16 years now. He's never lied to me about anything. Even once. Not even by omission. In 16 years. This is what I'm used to in friendship. Infrequent communication I can handle. I can deal with most bumps and a ton of bruises and keep on trucking, but I have to sit here and take in the fact that, in spite of my willingness to forgive and move on, this person is just going to abuse my friendship.

To quote the earlier gent: "Whoever this is, from what you've said, he isn't a good guy..."

The sad thing is: I only said the truth of what happened. Nevermind my emotions; I didn't even speak about them. Just the actions taken.

What is this? I feel.... like I'm going to...

I've never wanted to be without you, but I can be.... and that makes all the difference.

This Afternoon

So after conversation after conversation... wait, let me get headphones....

gets headphones and cues up music


We've been back and forth about this for months now. I can't believe that I'm even saying this. It's been months now. Like two of them. Last night you say, "Maybe we'll talk tomorrow."

It is your day off. It is 7C and raining. As you've stated, you have no money for going places, so you're going to be home all day long. All fucking day.

I wake up and, even after defending you from all the shade James threw, you still manage to perform exactly as he said and I knew. The day could have written its-fucking-self...

-------------

8:15AM. I get a call from work. I finally dust myself off and check emails.

9:15AM. I send you a text. I let you know that I'm working at home today and need the room to myself until noon. That should be fine since you won't really be awake until then; the sound of your alarm going off and then being sent to snooze at least seven times was a dead giveaway.

NOON. I am done and, as if you hadn't read my text, you ask if it is safe to come upstairs. I'm in the room talking to James. You go straight to the computer without a word to the other two humanoids nearby.

12:35PM. I'm out with James. We run and errand and talk about the upcoming choices with moving we all have to make. He's asking what my plans are. I have to remind him that, as I said before, they are not set in stone. For the record, here is the dialog. The entire thing without editing.

I don't have the words to explain the stupidity that continues to blossom like thousands of cherry trees around me with every passing day. Not that I have much time to fully contemplate the first wave before another wave comes coupled with the knives you drive into my heart about how your moving plans are going while our "friendship" remains in utter ruins because you either lack the balls or the slightest shred of concern to address it after (of course) stating that you wanted to know what's going on/what's wrong?

There's also the matter of your bullshit excuses that you pass on to me and others as gospel truth. For instance, "Marquis said he was moving..."

Are you fucking serious right now?!


Moving on...

3-ish PM. Ben shows up for a couple of rounds of League. He leaves at 5:55PM.

It is now 8:55PM. You have sat here for hours not saying one word to me about anything except for a rather bland bit of nonsensical dialog from earlier about your moving and why I was laughing at something. Why do I even share a room or a house with you?

The sad thing is that, in your mind, I'm still your best and closest friend. The most understanding person you've ever met. The nicest and the kindest one, too. By far...

AND YOU REGULARLY CHOOSE TO SHIT ON ME AND OUR FRIENDSHIP WHENEVER THE SITUATION EVEN SLIGHTLY PRESENTS ITSELF.

This because of the girl who asked you not to go after breaking you in two and I helped put those pieces back. Mind, it turns out she had a bit of an emotional breakdown and didn't handle that well, but that's hardly my point as much as the fact that I shouldn't be fucking neglected like this is.

So what if I just said, "Fuck it..." and moved out and left you here until the end of the month?

I don't even know how to hold back all the anger I'm feeling right now. I really don't, but I'm going to somehow pull it off because I've had to bite back anger I've had every right to since I was 14.

Not that you could do a damn thing if I did; the one time I let you see a hint of anger on my face you went dead silence for five minutes out of fear alone (his words, not mine).

I am so burned right now....

Ventilation

Have you ever thought about the bridges you don't burn and why?

I often do. It's you. You don't need a name because the actions you consist of are name enough. It's the fucking inconsistency. After all the effort – and it was significant – it took to repair things, what do you do? Disappear for a couple of days; why yes, swinging a baseball bat while your arm is still casting is a perfectly good fucking idea!!! How about this hatchet instead?

I'm just being melodramatic. I'm always being melodramatic and overreacting. {Of course} it's overreacting when I make a suggestion based exactly on how you behaved until you finally return with one bottle less. Sarcasm? Of course it wasn't. How could a person that has had A's is English all his life excepting exactly one year possibly be able to read sarcasm in that sentence?

I don't know what I am actually doing in even attempting to salvage anything from this? Oh wait, I'm being dramatic. Right. Why am I not talking this out? I'd punch them in the face and I can see them properly since I have new glasses.

Also, why don't we pass the night playing games and watching shows? In fact, I'll take it a step further. I'll just go ahead and start watching some shows and such. I have a perfect idea for a couple of them.

While I'm at it, lets throw in some asinine – and I mean asinine and juvenile – behavior over pictures of someone that you are smitten with and kicked you in the chest. Lets just to right ahead with that one. "I want to be there for you." After all the bs for days, "Well you didn't give me what I wanted so I didn't give you what you wanted." Are you fucking for real?!

Then to behave as if you have a right to be mad of behave in that way. I'm perfectly fine with handing you a box ofayches since you seem hellbent on burning the bridge anyway. Enjoy that.

/rant

Now that I'm done, I'll just waste more time until the phone charges, then to out to clear my mind.

Twelve Two Thousand Twelve

For a writing challenge in this journal, I'm going to communicate my lessons and the hardships that have fostered them in twelve-word phrases. Let us begin:

• I will have to fly on my own.
• Friendship feels like a distant dream. I wonder if I imagined it.
• You've lost me and don't care. I'm not surprised.
• You're a liar, but I love you.
• You never cared for me, just my capacity.
• I'm wide awake.
• This war never ends. I want to rest. I have to fight.
• I am stronger, but what have I lost in gaining strength?
• I hope this is what you wanted; other options are gone.
• I will thrive without you. I wish I didn't have to.
• You are not ready until you master your own soul.
• It will end soon and I will still stand.
• I'm made to survive. I will not be lesser for anyone.
• Why do I bother trying? Because the fire burns. Ever.
• You scorn everything you've ever said you loved.
• Your lies don't surprise me, but you only deceive yourself.
• One day, I will not be here to call upon.
• It's almost time.

That's all. Enjoy December.

State of Me: Disillusionment

This year has been a terrifying and eye-opening one; I am becoming and I don't know how to word who or what I am becoming yet. I've spent many months now thinking through these things and I share my thoughts with you now. I will try to keep them brief. If they are not brief, I ask your forgiveness.

For most of this year, I've lived with varying groups of people that would identify me with labels like "friend", "bro", "bestie" and so on. With those labels in place, it would shock me when I would see the way people behaved with no regard for my thoughts, feelings or opinion. If you're a reader of this blog, you may know of the situation simply because we've spoken about it. Others may not know and if you don't, that's fine for now. The point here is that I managed to learn things from those experiences.

• People care less about you than how you make them feel.  It was during that time that someone posed to me that these people may not care about them as much as they liked the things I did and the way I made them feel; I was kind and usually extended whatever I had in order to help others. In return, very little was given back to me and usually the things asked were not tangible things or things that would ultimately benefit me. It did not matter. I learned that I was an object and a resource to be tapped into. I counted for nothing else. While these words may sound harsh, so state them in any other way would be a lie.
• The nature of the people in this world is to take advantage. Related to the previous point, if someone knows that I care for them, it seems to be the pattern that they find me when they need help and at no other time.
• Nothing matters more than my peace. In the process of pursuing lasting peace in my own home, I have effectively evicted people and have cut off about half of the relationships that I had hoped would develop into something greater. I have decided that the loss is worth it and that if my home is the only place I am guaranteed peace in this world other than my grave, I will have peace. No relationship to a person that unsettles my peace will survive or remain in my life. Period. I will uproot every relationship in my life if I must in order to maintain that one thing.
• I can be the king. My friend stated it this way: "in a home with roommates, you can be one of two people: the king or the mother. The king is the one who commands obedience and allegiance from those around him because, ultimately, they want his favor and realize they need him and he does not need them in order to survive. The mother gains an elevated status, but tends to be ignored when expressing grievances because people believe that this person's compassion will win out and therefore there are no real consequences for angering this person; "a mother would never abandon her children." I was the mother at that time. After meditating and chewing on the thought for a while, I decided I wanted to be a king. While my friend may have been right about the roles, he was wrong about not being able to change them. I most certainly did. So much so that I went from having 5 roommates and 3 people couch-surfing to having two and only two roommates.
• Compassion must be guided. It sucks to even have to say that, but my acts of compassion can rarely if ever be spur-of-the-moment in the future no matter what or who it involves. The idea of "once bitten, twice shy" is applicable here, but more than that, if I want to be able to love people well for the rest of my life, I have to be a bit more discerning about how I apply it. Right now, that means that I'm going to have to step back from it in a large way and sort these things out. After that, I'll slowly enter that arena again.

Aside from that, I've seen the ugliest of ugly in people. No one really seems to love anyone. Mind you, I was forewarned about these types of things, but it is never less shocking to me that people can be so callous to people they claim to care about. I can't even go into details, but the sheer volume of examples, whether big or small, is mind-blowing; who the hell treats their friends/family/lovers the way I've seen people treat theirs this year and somehow manage to still say the words "I love you" and feel that they mean them? Seriously, HOW DO THEY SLEEP AT NIGHT? Yet, I ask this question knowing the answer is that they don't care. They don't care and they will not care in the future and I have to sit down with that fact and become intimately acquainted with the idea that there are almost 6 billion people that feel the exact same way.

I suppose disillusionment is the word for this, but I'm not sure whether I'm actually disillusioned, or finally willing to throw in the towel on hoping for the best instead of just succumbing to what currently is. It's not like I have forgotten love...

...but there's a really narrow effing scope.

In other news, I've thought more about my writing. I miss it. I even long for it at times. At the same time, it will never be as it was before and there are a lot of reasons for that. Namely, the person I left when I stopped writing is never coming back and now this new me will have to carry on with it. That works, I guess.

Tired State

You know what? I'm tired. Pretty tired. I woke up every two hours while I slept and posted something every time I did.

Then I woke up and started to argue with Rick's mom. Rick's mom who posted on his wall that his roommates should be respectful of his computer because they play practical jokes and he got caught in it. Rick's mom who told Rick he had to move instead of telling her husband/whomever that he had no right to lay hands on her children. This woman continues to try to say what should or should not happen.

After this, I prep a post, then remove it and simply say I had something to say, but am going to replace that thought with the idea that maybe silence on the subject would be better. We argue for ten comments during which she posts silly and inane things and then proceeds to imply immaturity on my part.

After this, I get downtown and I get something to eat.

Mangoes.
Strawberries.
Blueberries.
Orange juice.

After this, I read and continue to read and continue to read.

Coffee.
Donut.

After this, I walk down to the office and I sit down. I've gotten an email explaining what made the program crash last week. I edited all the files I have and made them compatible. They open now. I saved copies of the old files and saved the new copies as different files, so we have a version that is compatible with each version of the software.

I looked up some drupal themes and downloaded the files. No new emails. I start watching a clip from the Legally Blonde musical. I ended up just watching the whole musical. It was more than an hour long.

All of this happens today before 12:30PM.

I clearly have nothing to do and everyone knows it. However, I can't leave. I feel the eyes on me and I know that someone is waiting for even one chance to make a case to "put me in my place" if I go home earlier than 4PM.

I could have went to see that matinee movie I wanted to watch earlier, but instead, I'm here -- just I have been since 9:30AM -- with nothing of value or importance to do. I'm waiting for everything. Waiting for QA on what I did. Waiting for audio to be done so I can add it. Waiting for storyboards so I can make more things. I'm not trained to do anything else, and everyone who can train me is busy for the afternoon, so I can't get trained. I have just sat in this chair. I did take a walk to Wendy's for a small lunch, then returned.

Why? Because I knew someone would be along to see how long I was gone or if I came back. They walked in moments later. They are sitting there now.

This is my life right now. This state of war. This is stupid. I thought about quitting today. I really did. I don't want to have to feel like I'm having to avoid landmines even if they are stupidly easy to avoid. I'm counting the minutes now. There are 26 of them. After they are gone, I can go home. That is unfortunate as I could be at home being productive.

On the other hand, I've talked to Prince a bit and that was a very fun and worthwhile thing.

This Weekend

I went to Six Flags with John, Josh and Rebecca.

• It was fun.
• We got season passes and I have coupons, so now I can possibly bring friends.
• We watched movies as it rained today.
• I was thankful for answered prayers.
• We got food from Hardee's.
• We watched Aliens.
• We played Super Mario Wii and that was fun.

I went to my mom's house this afternoon.

• Cards
• Seyvion
• Family
• Laughter
• I'm glad I went.

I got home.

• Kitchen was a mess.
• Cat litter needs to be changed.
• Bathroom is a disaster and littered with towels.
• Shoes are pooled in a haphazard way in a corner.
• There were people over this weekend. They did not tidy the place when they left.
• Chairs in my room were rearranged. No one thought to put them back where they belong.

Sometimes, I think about the alternatives to this last list and they seem good. Being in the midst of a depressive cycle doesn't help. In the end, it's whatever, though. I'll think about this and make a decision and I'm sure that, no matter how it goes, it will not be liked.

Sometimes

People and their stupidity is frustrating me big time this week. I had a part of that frustration set in the picture here, but I thought the better of it and edited that out. In the meantime, it's everything from trying to understand why this person is being pissy to trying to understand why people can't say simple things like "These aren't mine, but thanks..." to "hey, take your keys with you, dumbass" to "hey, stop just going off without saying a single fucking word.... 'but you looked occupied and you were multiple feet away'.... 'what about a text...' *silence*.

FFS, I need to just blow people up as they walk past me.

Love and Nonsense

Of all things that love is not about, it is definitely not about nonsense.

It seems that my thoughts from earlier caused some anger and right around the point I thought they would and to that response I have only to say that I do not care. I was very careful about the words I picked and if that isn't enough, then it is not my fault. That is all.

Love is not this nonsense and considering other things, I will just feel free to speak my mind about it freely since I'm just damned no matter what I do.

Let's get to it.

The first and most important thing I want to say is that I was wrong. Let me repeat that a couple of times.

I was wrong. Quite wrong. About a lot of things.

There are a lot of things that I chose not to do/chose to do. Being more affectionate (I mean, I did give her a kiss that one time on Memorial Day in my cousin's front yard... and I think around the time of our first date/senior prom). Being more willing to argue (I simply was not. I'm not much more willing now either, truth be known). I could have put her first more often (...but didn't think that there should be that much competition between family, friends, and a lover -- my family and friends are very important to me as I am to them and there is no competing with that from anyone, period).

Fact is, I was younger. There was a lot of things I didn't want to do and pride I didn't want to give up because, "grrrrdammet I have a college degree and I should get an awesome job..." I was apparently a little too honest about my feelings about everything and that was taken as much teasing. I'm sorry that I came across that way; I was simply speaking my mind.

I thought through a lot of this while talking to Michelle yesterday and I'm glad I did take the time to talk to her and get some of this out of my head in word form because I had to think it through. Anyway, the point is that, while I have my reasons for doing things, I could have done some things differently or better or not at all or more often. There will always be that and I have made my peace with that.

Some people apparently have not.

Let me make a note here and cut through some real bs here:  if you don't love someone, it is nothing less than the fact that you do not want to. Let me repeat:

People do what they want to with what they have 100% of the time. It will never be otherwise.

I find it funny, reviewing so many conversations, that there is always a mention of, "There's too much hurt. Too many scars. Too much..." of anything.

I call bullshit.

If you want to love someone, you love them. If you want to be friends with someone, you do it. If you want to spend time with someone, you do that. It's not rocket science and it's not even really difficult. The fact is that people like to lie to others and, worse, they like to lie to themselves, but I'll tell you here and now: I'm not the one for that.

It's easy to get defensive and angry when someone points out how they feel and what they think. Easy and cowardly and it's something a lot of people do. I, on the other hand, choose to own my life. Every bit of it. What I have. What I do. What I don't. The friends I have in my life are because I thought it was worth it and the ones I no longer have is because I don't believe they weren't fighting for (or other reasons that don't need to be known).

Being really specific to one person: your scars have nothing to do with your ability to love or not love. Your problem is selfishness and cowardice. Nothing less. In the end, we're all just bricks in a castle you are building to feel safe from whatever is going to hurt you and relationships of any kind do not work that way. There is a difference between heart change and behavior modification. I'm sure you know this. Behavior modification is easier, but heart change is more desirable and only someone who is brave will ever see it.

That said, I invite you as you invited me in your journal: think what you will. I'll go even further: believe what you will. In the end, I'll be standing still in peace and you will be yelling and screaming at nothing. That's who you've become and I'm fine with that.

Winter's Cold

The day finally came and I have to say, I was nonplussed about it all. My decision has, for the most part, been made and things are falling in place that will allow that to happen without even the slightest effort on my part. I'm not a person that is given to doing certain things, so when I try to do them and they are ignored...

Phillip came to talk to me last night. He pointed out some things he was thinking, then finally made his point. He was actually angry with me for being angry and not speaking. In return, he decided to avoid me; he actually asked if I noticed it or not. I told him the truth:

Not only did I notice it, but I expected it. The fact is, I don't care if I make an enemy of you or not. I will have my respect about this issue one way or another. I am fine with you not speaking to me and I was fully aware you would have that reaction before I did what I did.

He went on to explain that he didn't like my text message to him where, again, I spoke the full truth in brief about my entire feelings which were thus:

Simply put, the last straw. I'm done with giving the benefit of the doubt and hoping for better when the fact is that people simply do not care about things I think are important because it isn't a priority to them.

I'm done in just about every aspect sense of the word with people that demonstrate no respect for my person. The fact is, no matter how it is worded, respect is in action.

Upon further query, I continued:

Keep this in mind: the small things matter. It is those things that make and break all sorts of things.

What I'm mad about is the fact that I am talking to brick walls. Being ignored when I mention things like dishes, the bathroom, the living room and so on has finally gone far enough. I'm done talking about it or doing things and hoping that the hint is caught. Tired of asking and surprised that I have to when we're all in our 20's.

Before you protest, I am aware that this applies to other people and I feel just as... resolute (I'm no longer angry) about these people as I do you.

This is what he felt he had the right to be upset at me about. He went on to say that he "didn't like feeling like he was having rules imposed on him" and that "it felt like he was back at home and he didn't want that" as if I care. I just want common areas and our shared bathroom to be clean and in order. That's all. I'm not unreasonable and I'm not incorrect in asking for respect to be shown for the fact that five people share the same living space.

He asked why I don't always say something and I explained in a very granular way. Namely, I'm not his mom. I shouldn't have to remind him of something several times. If I mention it once and it isn't done, then I'll talk about once after that point and then there are two options:

1. Work through the situation together.
2. Remove myself from the equation.

I told him that, when I pick option two, I do so without further comment. No blow-ups. No drama. No passive aggressive anything. I simply make my preparations and disappear. I will not give another warning and I will act completely normal up until the very moment I fade. I'm the person that you will come home and find all of their things missing and a note on the fridge. No fanfare at all need be made. This has happened before and it is usually proceeded by thoughts like this:

I've come to the point where I don't care what the consequences are or who gets hurt by my choices. I'm simply going to do whatever I feel like doing - just because I can - no matter what it is that comes to mind. I do this knowing the danger and accept it. What else is there, anyway?

And again:

I'm tired of being nice and taking the moral highroad. Fuck that.

The thing that set all this off was my disruption of people's expectations. This is what people expect of me:

• Kindness
• Compassion
• Availability
• Nurture

Mind you, part of that is my fault because I'm kind, compassionate, available when people need or want to talk, and nurturing to a fault. But let me tell you a secret: this is not all there is. I don't believe in astrological signs in general, but I do find that here and there, they can be amazingly accurate for analogies.

I'm a cusp kid. My birthday falls on the day that the signs change from Aquarius to Pisces. One of those signs has air as an element. The other one, water. You know what's funny? Those signs has one quality in common: duality. A calm summer breeze can bring warmth and joy, yet it carries the power to destroy cities while people cower in fear. Water is life giving and without it people would perish, but that same water in a flood or a tsunami can kill thousands in moments as they are lost to the deep darkness of it.

I've always tried to be the calm, healing breeze and a person through whom life-giving water can flow and that seems to have been taken for granted. Let me be clear about something: my kindness is given because I choose it. I am not obligated to be kind to anyone at any point and I do not show kindness because I am expected to. That said, as Phillip and others may recognize, I can be colder than an arctic winter. I will set a plan and I will not relent unless certain conditions are met. The rub here is that I know that my conditions will not be met, so this is pretty much a done deal. Why won't the condition be met?

Pride. 

No one will admit they were at fault and correct the problem and will assume that it will go away on its own as my anger subsides. 

So foolish. They have no clue and that works to my advantage.

I am relentless, ruthless, and heartless when needed and the funny thing is I didn't know about that depth of me until Erik appeared. Now that I have that under wraps, it's easier to manage. At the same time, I had hoped I could have gone without having to tap into that set of emotions. It seems that I will. Most of you are safe, but I'm stubbornly refusing to budge on some things and at the same time, there will be no war; I've already won without lifting a finger. I'm just biding time now and that biding is with a smile on my face and an eye on my watch.

If you want to see my darker side, enjoy reading for the next couple of weeks. In a lot of ways, I'm yin.

Seeking Balance

The last few weeks have been very trying in almost every sense of the word from professional life to personal matters. This weekend in particular was rough in dealing with it. I'm trying to get balanced in some ways. I'm just... tired. Annoyed with so many things...

Little things.
Big things.
Everything.

So now I'm stuck in this place where I simply must tell people that I don't want to be bothered with them about anything. I don't want to be nice, or helpful, or thoughtful, or kind at all. I need to be left alone. Probably for a long while, but I'm not sure yet.

I'm pretty sure it's a clear sign that I need to be more in balance when I am irritated by every little thing and nothing gets resolved. Maybe I'm neglecting my need for solitude (and as I type this, I have a friend in my room which means I'm not alone right now either). I don't know what the reasons are and I'm close to the point of not caring at all, but not quite there yet. That brings me to this post. Yesterday, I was walking with a friend and talking and in the middle of that, some things came up.

• i can't be a superhero because superheroes never take a thought for themselves. at all. no selfishness is allowed.
• i don't have to be a superhero to be kind or helpful
• i care too much about everything that happens around me

While I was shopping for jeans and other things in the mall, I thought about these ideas and their applications and I decided that maybe I should forget kindness for a while. It didn't sit well. Then I thought again about what's bothering me and decided to allow myself even the more childish end of my thoughts and here's what I came up with:

• i'm angry. very angry.
• i'm angry because i listen to people and their issues constantly and i'm not often listened to when i need someone to listen.
• i'm angry because the things i am concerned about are not a priority to people that are supposed to be my friends.
• i'm angry because the house is messy and my protests are being ignored or neglected at best.
• i'm angry because i always find myself having to walk alone when i need someone to walk with me most.
• i'm not angry at all, i'm just hurt and that's a lot worse than being angry. angry goes away after a while. hurt lingers and gets rooted and has to be extricated in a particular way that is usually very uncomfortable.
• no matter how i try to communicate with people about my feelings, i can't make them understand. i either say too little or too much and either way, i'm always asked to explain myself multiple times. context doesn't matter because people don't pay attention to it or most things going on around them as much as i do and even if they do, they don't recall it as well as i do.

All of this is going somewhere, but I don't know where that is, but I do know that it needs to be balanced when I get there. I don't need to have even amounts of everything, but I need to have just the right amount of things to keep me upright and that's very hard right now. I always feel on edge these days. Always like I'm standing at the end of a cliff. Always one moment away from breaking in a way that I feel won't be reparable.

I just hope that things don't become as bad as I've dreamt if it happens.

Walking Wounded

Maybe I'm a superhuman. Maybe I can fly. Maybe I will rise above all of the petty annoyances surrounding me, but more likely, I'm going to just punch a hole in it.

It's always the little things that get to me and it's always the little things that say so much about who and what and how people really are. I'll just start from today and go backward a while and see where I end up.


This morning, after I decided that I was going to work today at 10AM and not 9, I have a knock at the door. Phillip just wanted to sit and talk. I really didn't want to, but I opened my door and let him talk. The first thing he does is apologize about the clippers. Let me give you a side story about the clippers.

ABOUT THE CLIPPERSYesterday, as I get off the bus from work, I see Phillip leaving. He flags me down and I walk over (I really did just want to ignore him, but then again, when it comes to it, I can't be the ass I want to be at times) and asks me if I have a screw for a pair of clippers as he has dropped a screw down the drain. I look at the passenger's seat and I notice the clippers I had purchased only two weeks ago in the seat. I asked him if those were the clippers I had purchased and he confirmed they were. I walked away without another word.

He continues on with this thought and that he's had about everything under the sun, most of which is centered on himself... as it always is..., and then he lets me know he's finished speaking at which point, I ask him to take me to work. Mind you, I tried to ask Rickey, but I knocked and he didn't respond although he was changing music every few minutes. I assumed he wanted to be left alone. He texted me later asking why I didn't just open the door and walk in and I explained that I get mad when people do it to me, so I avoid doing it to other people.

What a novel fucking concept.

I get to work and I meet up with my boss and we chat. While I'm thinking about all the new data and writing emails and things, I process what's happening everywhere else. Honestly, I just see what's in front of me and it would crush a normal soul. I guess I don't have a normal one.

I'm watching people disappear and, for the most part, I'm letting it happen. The (very) small surprise is that it is happening almost effortlessly and a lot of it doesn't even require action on my part. It's not even because I'm ignoring or neglecting as much as I am who I am and that pushes as many people away as it draws in. In some cases, it's the very same thing that drew people in to begin with.

I'm thankful for the experience of others and having been as open as I have been and I keep moving forward unafraid of being alone and knowing that I find myself open to being accompanied. It feels neither good nor bad. It simply is.

I find myself more angry with every time I walk into the kitchen lately as well. I discussed this last week. The week before. A few nights ago. Last month. Last year. Two years ago. Different people, different scenes, one message: if you mess that up, please clean it. I like the house being clean. It upsets me when it is messy. I don't like seeing the sink full of dishes when everyone in here is legal drinking age. Please clean your dishes. Don't keep them in your room. I understand that you're tired, but if you put forth the energy to cook, you can clean the mess you made. Clean your mess.

Am I being unclear? Unfair? Unreasonable? I don't think so. On any level. I don't understand why this continues. Maybe it's because I haven't punched anyone in the face. Maybe because I haven't run about roaring angrily that things need to be done. I don't understand what needs to happen. I want to say that it doesn't matter or shouldn't, but the fact is that it does. My lease is up in March, but I shouldn't have to deal with nonsense until then. It's not that hard to just do the effing dishes. Of course, if I walk into the kitchen and start cleaning, I make people nervous and then there's all the "are you okay" questions as if they can't make a clear line from what's going on to my feelings about it. Just an aside: people that feign ignorance about why I'm upset or angry when they are clearly the cause piss me off. The only thing that makes me more annoyed is when people are genuinely clueless and thoughtless about how their actions affect other people. So do I wait until the lease is up? Hell no, but what to do in the meantime? It's a mixed bag. Most times, I just do what needs to be done and stay in my room, but lately I feel like doing more than that and it will not be pretty when it happens.

Most days, I'm annoyed no matter how the day goes because there's the underlying set of things that never seem to change in spite of my best efforts and I refuse to accept them as they are, so things are about to get heated. I'm more than okay with this because at the end of the day, I have all that I need to be okay on earth and that does not include people that are about bullshit and nonsense.


I talked to Men about being taken for granted. Seems to be happening a lot around here. After that discussion, I made a decision. I went around the house and boxed up all the tupperware excepting a few pieces and donated all of the dishes to the Goodwill. Yes. The. Fucking. Goodwill. I want someone to complain so I can just flip the fuck out. I don't care at this point. If I didn't run into a sink full of dishes every day, I wouldn't have donated them, but then when I know dishes aren't being done and you try to dip into the extra dishes instead of cleaning your mess? Hell no. Hell. To. The. No.


There's a fight. A rebellion on the outskirts of my city.

Bring it the fuck on.

For Granted

The other day, a roommate of mine asked me about what the words "for granted" meant. Breaking it down into it's most basic components and said, "It means to behave as if a certain situation is a given and will always continue to be without changing."

Let me tell you, the change is here.
It started with this: 

A roll of toilet paper. What was so special about this? Well, a couple of weeks ago, Polli came by for a few days. During that time, Rickey came by to tell me that he had family coming by. I said that things needed to be cleaned. This process was sped up significantly and so we cleaned furiously (which means I did most of it) for a while to get the downstairs in order. Later, we found out the fam wasn't coming. That's fine. We needed to clean anyway. I will reference this bit later, though.

So hours later, Polli comes to me and asks for toilet paper. I do a quick mental inventory; I should have four  rolls of toilet paper as that was how many there were a couple of days ago when I last checked. I needed to visit the store and get some soon, but we were okay for the time being.

Rather, should have been.
"I don't see any..."

I suppose he didn't see any of the four rolls that were clearly in the closet, so I got up to help him look. They should be right here on the bottom shelf... Wait... Where is my toilet paper? Are you serious right now? My mental processes went into hyperdrive and here's what came out:

• I bought 24 rolls of toilet paper. 
• I've used six for myself. That means there should be 18.
• There are five people in the house.
• There are four other people using the toilet paper.
• There are four people that would have known sooner than I did that we were out of paper.
• There are four people that used the last of the toilet paper and did not think to tell me.
• None of these people want to/are in a position to replace this toilet paper.
• There were people that might have been here -- nine of them (Rickey has a large family and all of them were coming here and four of them are girls) -- that would have had no toilet paper because no one thought to just go, "Hey, could you get some toilet paper? We're out."
• These thoughtless fucks are going down. DFS mode: Activate.

That's been that since then. I'm still mad about it. What's funny is that it's coming to light now. People are going to be mad as fuck because I bought a new 12-pack of paper. I lend the toilet paper roll out and then I ask for it back immediately after use if I lend it at all. Randy asked the other day. Phillip asked today. When I asked for it back, he made a snide comment, "So are we going to have to ask you for toilet paper now?" to which I replied, "Nah. You could always go to the store and buy it if you want." and snapped the picture above.

It's not just this, but that was the last straw for me. I'm tired of doing for people that don't give a fuck at all right now. I might get back to the whole "being unconditionally, overflowing kind" thing, but right now, people need to realize that kindness is not something to be taken for granted. I can redirect that energy to other ends and I will. I let the laundry detergent run out. Paper towels are coming in short order. In the meantime, I'm stacking things in my room because I refuse to have either myself or my guests run out of toilet paper because people want to be thoughtless.

On the same vein, yesterday, I spent five hours cleaning. The first thing on that list was my bathroom. Phillip saw me cleaning downstairs a day or two after christmas and asked if he could help. I told him to clean the bathroom. Just the bathroom. We have three. I wanted him to clean the one upstairs since we use that bathroom and I cleaned it the last time.

"Fair enough. Okay then."

I cleaned the bathroom yesterday. Yesterday. If you're keeping count, that's a week and some change. Almost two. I can't think of one discernible reason for him not to have taken an hour to clean the bathroom. It only took one. I thought about this as I cleaned the sink and toilet and tub. I thought about how many times The same messes has been walked by as I swept the stairs. I marvelled as I looked at the stairs and thought, "These stairs look practically new from sweeping... This is bullshit...." I continued into the kitchen. Phillip woke up and asked if he could help.

"I remember the last time you asked me that..."

"Ah yeah, the bathroom. I forgot about that. Sorry."

"You know what, it's fine. I got this..."

He took the kitty litter box out, then he swept up a few things. I want to note this so that it doesn't seem like he didn't try to make amends. I'm sure he did. I just don't care about that one act in the face of the other 200 before that. I did thank him. I continued to clean and clean and vacuum. I became angry with every passing moment. I wanted to move out. I thought about my lease. I thought about the toilet paper. I thought about it all and was like, "I'm cleaning because I want this house clean and I really want to blow up right now, but what the fuck? Seriously: what the fuck? You are a grown-ass man. I'm not even asking you to wash all the dishes, just wash your dishes when you fucking finish using them? Is that really hard? I mean, you're already in the kitchen at the sink when you leave the dishes in the sink, so just turn the water on. Seriously...

まった-fuckin-く

So when this whole thing starts playing out and I start being a bitch about things, you'll get all the journal entries on it because I'm about to piss everyone off in here and I don't care.