Tired State

You know what? I'm tired. Pretty tired. I woke up every two hours while I slept and posted something every time I did.

Then I woke up and started to argue with Rick's mom. Rick's mom who posted on his wall that his roommates should be respectful of his computer because they play practical jokes and he got caught in it. Rick's mom who told Rick he had to move instead of telling her husband/whomever that he had no right to lay hands on her children. This woman continues to try to say what should or should not happen.

After this, I prep a post, then remove it and simply say I had something to say, but am going to replace that thought with the idea that maybe silence on the subject would be better. We argue for ten comments during which she posts silly and inane things and then proceeds to imply immaturity on my part.

After this, I get downtown and I get something to eat.

Mangoes.
Strawberries.
Blueberries.
Orange juice.

After this, I read and continue to read and continue to read.

Coffee.
Donut.

After this, I walk down to the office and I sit down. I've gotten an email explaining what made the program crash last week. I edited all the files I have and made them compatible. They open now. I saved copies of the old files and saved the new copies as different files, so we have a version that is compatible with each version of the software.

I looked up some drupal themes and downloaded the files. No new emails. I start watching a clip from the Legally Blonde musical. I ended up just watching the whole musical. It was more than an hour long.

All of this happens today before 12:30PM.

I clearly have nothing to do and everyone knows it. However, I can't leave. I feel the eyes on me and I know that someone is waiting for even one chance to make a case to "put me in my place" if I go home earlier than 4PM.

I could have went to see that matinee movie I wanted to watch earlier, but instead, I'm here -- just I have been since 9:30AM -- with nothing of value or importance to do. I'm waiting for everything. Waiting for QA on what I did. Waiting for audio to be done so I can add it. Waiting for storyboards so I can make more things. I'm not trained to do anything else, and everyone who can train me is busy for the afternoon, so I can't get trained. I have just sat in this chair. I did take a walk to Wendy's for a small lunch, then returned.

Why? Because I knew someone would be along to see how long I was gone or if I came back. They walked in moments later. They are sitting there now.

This is my life right now. This state of war. This is stupid. I thought about quitting today. I really did. I don't want to have to feel like I'm having to avoid landmines even if they are stupidly easy to avoid. I'm counting the minutes now. There are 26 of them. After they are gone, I can go home. That is unfortunate as I could be at home being productive.

On the other hand, I've talked to Prince a bit and that was a very fun and worthwhile thing.

...and I snapped... a little...

I just wrote this email to my boss who decided to comment on the fact that I had mediafire and craigslist open at the time without asking why (I was waiting for his video to upload so I could view it on the service I was testing).

Enjoy.

------------------

the login credentials for vimeo (which i signed up for):

credentials
- username: [redacted]
- password: [redacted]

this is a basic account.

the video has been upload here. the conversion process, so far will take another 30 minutes. here's a screenshot.

Going on from there, I also found out about a media player called JW Player. You can find out about more about that from the site: www.longtailvideo.com.

As for what I've been reading there:
- General Questions about what this is: link.
- Pro Accounts. This lets you pay as you go for streaming. This may be worth looking into if I can ever reach customer service.
- Pricing

I also checked out what file formats are available on youtube:
- Available formats youtube accepts: link
- Youtube partner accounts can upload longer videos but we don't have time for the application process. Because of that, I was recommended to use Vimeo which I've already detailed above. I'm uploading the video to a basic account. The pro account is $10/mo or $60/yr. Screenshot below.

Just some info in case seeing the mediafire page (where I was downloading a song I like) or things like that was bothering you.

I'll get on the phone with Brandon for a bit and figure out what's going on while I wait for the video to upload to Vimeo.

MD

Bar Room Brawl Incoming

Okay, so yesterday I was at the office. At the end of the day, he asked me if I had looked something up.

I did, but I didn't. Let me explain.

They asked me to find something to host and streaming videos. I suggested screencast.com and youtube. To me, that was that. He wanted more research than that it seems and so decided to go on a tirade about blowing the BS whistle about me working.

This I did not like. No, I wasn't going crazy working all day -- there wasn't anything to be done really -- but I do not like being placed under a light as if I am lazy. I'm not. I'm a lot of things at varying times at work:

• spacey
• off-task
• out-of-focus
• moody

but lazy I am not by any means.

Whatever. I did my work and I left.

Today when I came in (first one in the office) and sorted everything out and then started working on things, I decided to go out and get coffee. On the way out, I see the boss man. I open the door for him and head out. He asks if I'm ok.

"Yeah."

I get the coffee and come back. I work. He calls me over to work on something.

Okay, fine.

I walk over and he asks me to help him send the emails he mentioned yesterday. He asks if I'm okay or in a mood.

"No..."

He asks again. Meredith says, "No." He says, "No, I mean at me."

"No..."

It's one of those things. If you know that you've done something to piss me off, then why are you asking if I'm mad at you. If you didn't do anything, then stop asking. Don't we have work to do right now? This is no time to bother me about my feelings. I'm sitting here and not working and that's wasting time and I have a list of things to do.

Anyway...

He watches me working on the emails. He comments that I work like a machine sending the emails. I am very efficient. I finish and go back to my desk.

He comments on something I took a while to finish last week. Mind you, he complimented it yesterday. People are fickle. Entirely unnecessary even if it was joking and it may have been. I put my headphones on and he comments on this. I don't care. Later, he asks me to stop working on one thing to work on something else.

Okay, fine.

I'm working on this with my headphones on. I'm typing web addresses and reading documentation and asking around on twitter. I find some things and I attempt to test them for a bit. I ask him for the video. He comments that he would need to load it to a hard drive. Then nothing. I ask again.

"I already have it here, but I guess you didn't hear me with the headphones on."

Of course not. I can hear the typing of the not-as-loud-as-you keyboard and the entire conversation on pricing you're having, but nothing whatever about the hard drive. Again, unneeded and unnecessary. It's annoying. So much so that I want to cause him physical harm. I'm trying to just keep a cool head, get through work, and go home, but your constant need to open your mouth and breathe is bothering me and even more so when words come out.

Whatever. I retrieve the drive.

I try to do all manner of things with the video, but it will not comply with the conversion software I have.

Okay, fine.

I finally sign up for a Vimeo account to test it. I'm still waiting on my test to go through. He asked me to write something down for the phone call we were on; oddly, he had the novel idea to tap on my desk to get my attention (even though I heard the whole conversation with my headphones on and playing music anyway).

Okay, fine.

Whatever.

This has been my whole day and so far I'm okay. I only have one hour and four minutes before I can be done with this for now but I'm right at the edge of just forgetting where I am and snapping at someone. This is ridiculous.

You're stressed, I get it. I follow. Stop being a jerk. I've done nothing to you.

weekend and so on...

I took a weekend trip with John, Anna, and Andrea. The experience was quite fun and I got plenty of pictures and posts on twitter and flickr soon to talk about it all. It was a welcome breather from everything.

I got a couple of emails from work that day, one of them from Mer and one from the boss man saying that he'd be in at about 1pm.

Please tell me why he decided to yell at me at 10-something AM today.

Yes, I overslept, but didn't freak out as I would have because, simply put, he had already stated that he planned on being late today.

Okay, fine.

However, as is the usual with him, he realizes that something really important is coming up and when that happens, also as is the usual with him, he panics and yells at everyone which accomplishes nothing except making him look like a jerk.

Whatever. He doesn't care and neither do I. I'll go in, work hard, work late, and go home.

Other than that, is frustration I feel with Phillip. He has all these things he keeps asking me to help him with. The big one being this path of self-realization he's been on a kick about. Okay, so I help him with some exercises to help him see certain things. Then he gets angry and frustrated because he doesn't like what he sees. Then he freely admits things like:

and

... and then asks if I'm free to talk last night. Why would I talk to you if you've already told me that you're not going to listen? I'm more than over that bit of nonsense, thank you. Done with talking to people that consistently don't listen while steadily asking question after question. Really done with that.

Some days, I want to do the right thing, but it seems pointless. Oh well, I'll pack my bags, work out a bit, and catch the bus so I can help boss man with his thing and see what else happens.

[edit]
No he did not just text me while I'm in transit to say "I'll be back in the office after 1PM"! Are you for real, son?! C'mon son!!

time for change

Meredith came back into work today and it was like old times. Ale worked in one corner, she worked at her desk and I worked on a project with vigor that I think will probably benefit the company a great deal. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of documentation to write for it.

That's if I can get it done.

I may have to cancel half of my vacation.

It seems that they really have given up, so I will be looking for another job. The good news is I'm not being fired. I guess it's just time for another adventure I suppose. I think it's a blessing that God doesn't allow us to get too comfortable with our lives so as to remove the adventure from it unless we insist on seeking that comfort... that's another story.

I have until September to look, so now I have much to consider.

I was thinking about looking for another job in Athens and maybe that's what will happen, but as I type these words and even think about the process of looking for another job here, I have to wonder about that thought. Namely, what's keeping me here? What is it really? Mostly relationships come to mind, but what does that matter; my friends won't stop being my friends if I move and my family will continue to be my family.

Maybe I should take this time to really think about pursuing the full depth of my passions and move to Japan. Thanks to this job I've had, I've not had to worry about financial issues in quite some time, so my mind, even now, is completely clear to think about all I need to think about for the next two months and with that in mind, I have links to explore, discussions to have, a consulate to possibly visit and so on.

The possibilities are endless.

I will miss:

• the people I have worked with and am thankful for all they did to take care of me as well as they could.
• the content of my work as it was something that I enjoyed. I like technology, I like development, I like reading and researching and studying and connecting and technical writing.
• being downtown so often and getting to know people.

And even so, as I write this, aside from that mild sadness there is with that, I feel mostly nothing. I do wish we had more time to fight; I dislike giving up on things. This will probably settle into a deeper sadness and I will allow that to take its course before I finally right myself.... well, in a manner of speaking.

Sometimes, when you're doing something you enjoy, there's a sense of grief associated with that separation or cessation. That will be me for a while. It's funny though; I'll fight till the last bullet then break out my knife until I looked at Meredith today. It's like it sunk in.

[processing moment, incoming]

I've been watching Ale apply for jobs in some cases, but I never thought about giving up -- really giving up -- until today. He might move back to Italy and Meredith will move back home to be with her family and I will move on to whatever the next adventure is, not knowing where that might take me.

I'd have to laugh and heartily if it were something like church or missionary work considering the side roads I've taken in the last (currently) three years, but I wouldn't put it past God to do that, so if He brings it my way then so be it. For now, I'm thinking that maybe I need to rethink my thinking and let go of "here".

I think I need more time to process this.

[processing moment over]

Phillip is here talking about money and meditation and his experiences of the day. When he approaches me, it is as a student speaking to a master monk in the middle of a moment of deep contemplation. As I write these words, he continues to speak to me not aware of what I write, but only that I write. I don't know how to label that, so I don't. I just keep writing. He asks, I write. He talks, I write. He's hugging me right now, I write.

Writing at this moment seems to be the closest I will get to peace for tonight and these are terms I will have to accept whether liked or otherwise. Today was a lot more draining than originally supposed. I think I'll have a yogurt now.

work dreams

I had two, I can only remember one.

I was speaking in a large board room about the solutions we sell at work and I mentioned something that made us different from our competitor in a specific way.

A rep from that competitor was in the room and started to protest, shouting loudly at me because of the things I mentioned stating that we were slandering them and being mean. I explained my position calmly, letting them know I was not slandering their company, but highlighting a particular point of feature difference. After that, I took a moment to make a few positive comments about their company.

After this, there were a few positive murmurs and I finished my presentation which was even more well-received.

The company was won over by how well I handled the situation.

I think we won that deal. What does that mean?