This Afternoon

So after conversation after conversation... wait, let me get headphones....

gets headphones and cues up music


We've been back and forth about this for months now. I can't believe that I'm even saying this. It's been months now. Like two of them. Last night you say, "Maybe we'll talk tomorrow."

It is your day off. It is 7C and raining. As you've stated, you have no money for going places, so you're going to be home all day long. All fucking day.

I wake up and, even after defending you from all the shade James threw, you still manage to perform exactly as he said and I knew. The day could have written its-fucking-self...

-------------

8:15AM. I get a call from work. I finally dust myself off and check emails.

9:15AM. I send you a text. I let you know that I'm working at home today and need the room to myself until noon. That should be fine since you won't really be awake until then; the sound of your alarm going off and then being sent to snooze at least seven times was a dead giveaway.

NOON. I am done and, as if you hadn't read my text, you ask if it is safe to come upstairs. I'm in the room talking to James. You go straight to the computer without a word to the other two humanoids nearby.

12:35PM. I'm out with James. We run and errand and talk about the upcoming choices with moving we all have to make. He's asking what my plans are. I have to remind him that, as I said before, they are not set in stone. For the record, here is the dialog. The entire thing without editing.

I don't have the words to explain the stupidity that continues to blossom like thousands of cherry trees around me with every passing day. Not that I have much time to fully contemplate the first wave before another wave comes coupled with the knives you drive into my heart about how your moving plans are going while our "friendship" remains in utter ruins because you either lack the balls or the slightest shred of concern to address it after (of course) stating that you wanted to know what's going on/what's wrong?

There's also the matter of your bullshit excuses that you pass on to me and others as gospel truth. For instance, "Marquis said he was moving..."

Are you fucking serious right now?!


Moving on...

3-ish PM. Ben shows up for a couple of rounds of League. He leaves at 5:55PM.

It is now 8:55PM. You have sat here for hours not saying one word to me about anything except for a rather bland bit of nonsensical dialog from earlier about your moving and why I was laughing at something. Why do I even share a room or a house with you?

The sad thing is that, in your mind, I'm still your best and closest friend. The most understanding person you've ever met. The nicest and the kindest one, too. By far...

AND YOU REGULARLY CHOOSE TO SHIT ON ME AND OUR FRIENDSHIP WHENEVER THE SITUATION EVEN SLIGHTLY PRESENTS ITSELF.

This because of the girl who asked you not to go after breaking you in two and I helped put those pieces back. Mind, it turns out she had a bit of an emotional breakdown and didn't handle that well, but that's hardly my point as much as the fact that I shouldn't be fucking neglected like this is.

So what if I just said, "Fuck it..." and moved out and left you here until the end of the month?

I don't even know how to hold back all the anger I'm feeling right now. I really don't, but I'm going to somehow pull it off because I've had to bite back anger I've had every right to since I was 14.

Not that you could do a damn thing if I did; the one time I let you see a hint of anger on my face you went dead silence for five minutes out of fear alone (his words, not mine).

I am so burned right now....

Yes I Said This

Feel free to quote and if you're offended by this image that took me all of ten or so minutes to make, skip this entry. Today is not a warm or fuzzy entry.

Today, I thought about a few things. I thought about what I want to accomplish. I have small, reasonable goals. Things I want to and should be able to accomplish in a relatively short time period.

• restore my savings account. I had $1500 and now I have none and it disappeared in a months' time. Not even for myself, but for someone else. Several someone else's. This is because I put other people's needs before my financial goals.
• reduce my expenses. I thought maybe eating in more might be good and I've recently committed to a dietary goal. The problem with this is that I need to be able to buy the food for this to work. As it stands, I cannot. This is because I put other people's needs before the things I wanted to spend money on.

I thought of a ton of other things I wanted to get into and see and do and all of this is being hindered by monetary issues. All of it.

To top this off, I can't seem to count on anyone for even the smallest of things no matter what they are. They require no expense most times. Here's an example: Yesterday, I asked one of the guys to change the cat litter. Their utterly clueless response was "I scoop the litter every day". I explained that they can't scoop up pee and we aren't using litter that clumps around liquid. Today, I came in, knowing without even asking that it wasn't done. Why? Why is it that I can walk in and expect things that I clearly state to not be done?

I threw out the old litter, washed each box with soap and water, and put in new litter. Happy cats. Yay for them.

Meanwhile, this person, that has been home for at least eight hours, could not take one of those hours -- all of which he was downstairs and no more than 40 yards (if that) from the litter boxes -- to change them.

What.

The.

Actual.

Fuck.

I sit here thinking about the text I sent to Polli -- which, to his defense he didn't receive -- and how I was asking for a ride home. No response (like I said, he didn't get the message, but I didn't know that until after I got home).

I thought about this week:

• Electric bill due. 
• No pay until Monday. 
• Trying to figure out how to keep my game account from lapsing.

All of this would leave with about... oh... $10. Ten. Fucking. Dollars. Until Monday. If you are looking at today's calendar, it is Monday right now. That means I have a week to get through without money and the bus is $3.20/day. Over five days, that's $16. That means I also don't have enough money to ride the bus to work and back. Thank God it's summer. I can walk home in the evenings I suppose.

So I have a possible video game lapse, possibly not being able to catch the bus this week, a bunch of other side things I shouldn't even have to ask about, really. Oh wait, that's right, I also have to think about food. Oh wait, I don't have money to get food. I don't have food at the house because I don't eat at home. I gave that money to someone else bc, once again, I was thinking of someone else and put them before myself.

Why do I do this to myself every fucking time?

Sure, I'll be your ____. Sure I'll let you borrow/have _____.

Sure.

Okay.

Fine.

Why not?

As long as it helps you...

WHY DO I GIVE SO FUCKING MUCH TO PEOPLE THAT DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?

Because I'm an idiot. I always feel like a fool when I give to people. Always. No matter what. And I have the terrible habit of giving to people that can't/won't ever give to me what I give to them. Been there all my life.

What's the point in kindness in the first place? It never gets me anything but an empty stomach, headache, heartache and misunderstanding. I'm speaking purely from emotions. I'm sure I know better than this, but I don't care right now.

It seems that I keep forgetting that I have to take care of me, too. Constantly forgetting this. I forget this one lesson so much, it should be considered a superpower. It seems to be the one thing life also enjoys throwing in my face: I am alone and if I don't take care of myself, no one will have my back. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, that's how it is. If I ask for money to borrow anything, I'm just out of luck. I pick up slack for rent and utilities for months and I ask for nothing except a clean kitchen and a litter box. I wish I knew I had even one person that would be there for me on that level. Not "I would be, but I can't" or "I want to be, but..." I want a person that puts themselves out in whatever way they can the same way I do even if it means they can't eat that day. Why? Because I do that.

You know what, though: I won't ever have that in my life. It's too much to anyone else and I'm stupid for doing it myself in the first place. I'm just angry at myself -- and wildly so -- for wasting my kindness on the people I've wasted it on. I remember the smiles, the platitudes, the words whispered at varying spiritual/emotional heights only to have them forgotten moments later and not even so much as remembered again. Why am I always the one that remembers? The one that does.

I want you to note this well if you are reading this: fuck that shit. Fuck all of that shit. Wasting time. Wasting kindness. Wasting resources on things, places, and people that can't respect anything I'm about. Fuck that shit. I'm taking things back and I'm not giving them for a while. People trying to fuck me over, fuck them. I'm done with it all for a while. Maybe I'll be this nice, self-sacrificial person for the world at large, but for now, I'm only sticking to the people that have actually made any real effort to actually love me back. Fuck the world otherwise. I don't care who you belong to.

God, help me in my anger. No one is safe if you don't.

Walking Wounded

Maybe I'm a superhuman. Maybe I can fly. Maybe I will rise above all of the petty annoyances surrounding me, but more likely, I'm going to just punch a hole in it.

It's always the little things that get to me and it's always the little things that say so much about who and what and how people really are. I'll just start from today and go backward a while and see where I end up.


This morning, after I decided that I was going to work today at 10AM and not 9, I have a knock at the door. Phillip just wanted to sit and talk. I really didn't want to, but I opened my door and let him talk. The first thing he does is apologize about the clippers. Let me give you a side story about the clippers.

ABOUT THE CLIPPERSYesterday, as I get off the bus from work, I see Phillip leaving. He flags me down and I walk over (I really did just want to ignore him, but then again, when it comes to it, I can't be the ass I want to be at times) and asks me if I have a screw for a pair of clippers as he has dropped a screw down the drain. I look at the passenger's seat and I notice the clippers I had purchased only two weeks ago in the seat. I asked him if those were the clippers I had purchased and he confirmed they were. I walked away without another word.

He continues on with this thought and that he's had about everything under the sun, most of which is centered on himself... as it always is..., and then he lets me know he's finished speaking at which point, I ask him to take me to work. Mind you, I tried to ask Rickey, but I knocked and he didn't respond although he was changing music every few minutes. I assumed he wanted to be left alone. He texted me later asking why I didn't just open the door and walk in and I explained that I get mad when people do it to me, so I avoid doing it to other people.

What a novel fucking concept.

I get to work and I meet up with my boss and we chat. While I'm thinking about all the new data and writing emails and things, I process what's happening everywhere else. Honestly, I just see what's in front of me and it would crush a normal soul. I guess I don't have a normal one.

I'm watching people disappear and, for the most part, I'm letting it happen. The (very) small surprise is that it is happening almost effortlessly and a lot of it doesn't even require action on my part. It's not even because I'm ignoring or neglecting as much as I am who I am and that pushes as many people away as it draws in. In some cases, it's the very same thing that drew people in to begin with.

I'm thankful for the experience of others and having been as open as I have been and I keep moving forward unafraid of being alone and knowing that I find myself open to being accompanied. It feels neither good nor bad. It simply is.

I find myself more angry with every time I walk into the kitchen lately as well. I discussed this last week. The week before. A few nights ago. Last month. Last year. Two years ago. Different people, different scenes, one message: if you mess that up, please clean it. I like the house being clean. It upsets me when it is messy. I don't like seeing the sink full of dishes when everyone in here is legal drinking age. Please clean your dishes. Don't keep them in your room. I understand that you're tired, but if you put forth the energy to cook, you can clean the mess you made. Clean your mess.

Am I being unclear? Unfair? Unreasonable? I don't think so. On any level. I don't understand why this continues. Maybe it's because I haven't punched anyone in the face. Maybe because I haven't run about roaring angrily that things need to be done. I don't understand what needs to happen. I want to say that it doesn't matter or shouldn't, but the fact is that it does. My lease is up in March, but I shouldn't have to deal with nonsense until then. It's not that hard to just do the effing dishes. Of course, if I walk into the kitchen and start cleaning, I make people nervous and then there's all the "are you okay" questions as if they can't make a clear line from what's going on to my feelings about it. Just an aside: people that feign ignorance about why I'm upset or angry when they are clearly the cause piss me off. The only thing that makes me more annoyed is when people are genuinely clueless and thoughtless about how their actions affect other people. So do I wait until the lease is up? Hell no, but what to do in the meantime? It's a mixed bag. Most times, I just do what needs to be done and stay in my room, but lately I feel like doing more than that and it will not be pretty when it happens.

Most days, I'm annoyed no matter how the day goes because there's the underlying set of things that never seem to change in spite of my best efforts and I refuse to accept them as they are, so things are about to get heated. I'm more than okay with this because at the end of the day, I have all that I need to be okay on earth and that does not include people that are about bullshit and nonsense.


I talked to Men about being taken for granted. Seems to be happening a lot around here. After that discussion, I made a decision. I went around the house and boxed up all the tupperware excepting a few pieces and donated all of the dishes to the Goodwill. Yes. The. Fucking. Goodwill. I want someone to complain so I can just flip the fuck out. I don't care at this point. If I didn't run into a sink full of dishes every day, I wouldn't have donated them, but then when I know dishes aren't being done and you try to dip into the extra dishes instead of cleaning your mess? Hell no. Hell. To. The. No.


There's a fight. A rebellion on the outskirts of my city.

Bring it the fuck on.

....

本当にかんけない、フィリップ。本当に。働かなければならないんですから。仮面ライーダがかんけないし。。。

Whatever.

Je ne veux pas parler dans l'anglais aujourd'hui mais je sais que le gens ici ne parlent une autre lang et pour cette raison j'ai besoin de parler dans l'anglais. Mais.... je n'ai besoin d'ecrire dans l'anglais.

Ca c'est bon je suppose :/

Ese semana parece ser llena de problemas con chicos y sus novias. Especialmente mi roommate.

Amo a ella.

No amo a ella.

Amo a ella pero no quiero amar a ella.

Dios mio :/

Si no es un problema a la izquierda es un problema a la derecha. 

Ayer descubr'e k no tenia tissue pq Morgan me dijo eso. K es eso? Pq mi roommate no me dijo eso cuando usaba el ultimo? Chicos estupidos me burlan mucho ese mes. :/

「姫ちゃん」と「一番」はいなくてさびしいよ。抱きしめたいし見たいし話したいしでも命は忙しくなってしまう。しょうがないね。残念でしょ。どこでもいる、僕の心はそばにいる姫ちゃんと一番に。大好きよ。

働かなきゃいまは。

Dear End of Day Mindfuck

So, I had a good day for the day. I mean good day.

Then Rickey came to my room tipsy and asked me to lock the door. I said, don't bring people home.

Tell me why, since 2:51am there have been 15-20 people downstairs in this apartment? What the hell is this? James is packing to move; all of his stuff is downstairs (where he is playing DJ in order to keep an eye on things and finish packing). Then I find out that Rickey's friends invited other people from the club to the apartment. This is not their house.

WTF.

Are you serious right now? The party is still going. It is 4am. I want to know why this even happened, but I'm making a big effort not to be an ass by calling the police altogether. To say the least, pissed is not the word. I'm taking Rickey's keys.

Dear End of Day Mindfuck: fuck off.

Fuming and Planning

Today I'm going to let you in on a secret. Something that is relatively well-known to people that know me well. Here's the secret: I plan.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but my guess is that you underestimate that fact and that's is why you will end up being involved without being aware and that's fine. You don't need to be. That's fine.

For those that have experienced it, my plans can be very frustrating. Especially if I become angry. In the surface, I seem very erratic; my behavior seems erratic. I behave very different with no apparent reason and -- this is the important part -- no visible warning. This can be hard to deal with as my behaviors may include sudden, purposeful, intense silence. Withdrawal. Avoidance of topics. Total passivity on a subject I am normally passionate about. Abnormal levels of apathy toward a particular person/group of people's actions or life choices.

The offending person may have a clear sense of what is going on. Spiritually sensitive people may have dreams related to the offense.

I say all of that to say this: I am at the end of my rope right now and I am currently in the middle of some plans. Some of them are ridiculous, but this that aren't may be everyone's reality in a month.

That is all.

BTW: spare yourself some hurt feelings and avoid asking me about any of this if you read it. I've used this journal to talk about the things I'm mad over many tike and still I find myself dealing with them. Considering how many times I have spoken on the subjects in just the last 30 days, if you want to know, backtrack and guess. I'm done with repeating myself.

Unclear

It seems my words -- my carefully selected, typewritten, copyable, quotable words -- were unclear. Unable to be fathomed, apprehended, comprehended, understood, or processed in any way shape or form because I wasn't precise enough. I didn't define terms well.

In short, I did not communicate well.

Why? Well, that's the funny part: there is no why. No discernible reason for being. No way to get at the root of the problem and with that, no way to correct it, either.

You know what else is funny? I accept that. I accept that I communicated badly for no discernible reason and that the reason will simply show up, make itself known in some unsearchable way, and allow me communicate well which would he just as random as communicating badly if at all.

Words fail to describe my current level of frustration, but it is ok. I will go home and read and I will be right as rain.

Cut Off...

So I want to punch Prince in the face. How do you not know that you need $30 for gas to get to school before you have to go and why on earth does everyone in my family feel like they can just ask me for money like I'm an ATM or the US Gov't... oh wait, the US Gov't doesn't give out money like that.

It's so annoying. This is the second time I've had to do something like this. He spent his money unnecessarily and... you know what? Whatever. I gave it to him. I gave him the money for his friend's car so he could buy gas so he could get to school today since all the financial stuff is worked out.

Fine. Whatever. You know what? I really mean this: I don't want to have anything to do with my family and money after this week. I need a new computer, but watch me not be able to buy anything at all that I need for work this week because this person will need money for the hospital or for their car payment that they won't pay me back now or ever because I have an infinite amount to draw from...

Why do I have to be this person? You know what's worse is that I find a way to. I fight for a way to. I beg, borrow, and steal to get this money for these people. What comes to me? Nothing. I simply don't hear anything until something else may be needed or whatever or the occasional connecting call that I am going to ignore my feelings and try not to indict people and motives for.

I don't want to be this angry, but the fact is that I am. I am because I'm tired and tired of being asked to do more than what is sensible to do all the time. Maybe this is part of God's plan for my life -- being called to do more than I think possible even on practical levels, but this is just retarded and annoying and I want to quit.

I really don't want to talk to my family right now. It's too much.

Bar Room Brawl Incoming

Okay, so yesterday I was at the office. At the end of the day, he asked me if I had looked something up.

I did, but I didn't. Let me explain.

They asked me to find something to host and streaming videos. I suggested screencast.com and youtube. To me, that was that. He wanted more research than that it seems and so decided to go on a tirade about blowing the BS whistle about me working.

This I did not like. No, I wasn't going crazy working all day -- there wasn't anything to be done really -- but I do not like being placed under a light as if I am lazy. I'm not. I'm a lot of things at varying times at work:

• spacey
• off-task
• out-of-focus
• moody

but lazy I am not by any means.

Whatever. I did my work and I left.

Today when I came in (first one in the office) and sorted everything out and then started working on things, I decided to go out and get coffee. On the way out, I see the boss man. I open the door for him and head out. He asks if I'm ok.

"Yeah."

I get the coffee and come back. I work. He calls me over to work on something.

Okay, fine.

I walk over and he asks me to help him send the emails he mentioned yesterday. He asks if I'm okay or in a mood.

"No..."

He asks again. Meredith says, "No." He says, "No, I mean at me."

"No..."

It's one of those things. If you know that you've done something to piss me off, then why are you asking if I'm mad at you. If you didn't do anything, then stop asking. Don't we have work to do right now? This is no time to bother me about my feelings. I'm sitting here and not working and that's wasting time and I have a list of things to do.

Anyway...

He watches me working on the emails. He comments that I work like a machine sending the emails. I am very efficient. I finish and go back to my desk.

He comments on something I took a while to finish last week. Mind you, he complimented it yesterday. People are fickle. Entirely unnecessary even if it was joking and it may have been. I put my headphones on and he comments on this. I don't care. Later, he asks me to stop working on one thing to work on something else.

Okay, fine.

I'm working on this with my headphones on. I'm typing web addresses and reading documentation and asking around on twitter. I find some things and I attempt to test them for a bit. I ask him for the video. He comments that he would need to load it to a hard drive. Then nothing. I ask again.

"I already have it here, but I guess you didn't hear me with the headphones on."

Of course not. I can hear the typing of the not-as-loud-as-you keyboard and the entire conversation on pricing you're having, but nothing whatever about the hard drive. Again, unneeded and unnecessary. It's annoying. So much so that I want to cause him physical harm. I'm trying to just keep a cool head, get through work, and go home, but your constant need to open your mouth and breathe is bothering me and even more so when words come out.

Whatever. I retrieve the drive.

I try to do all manner of things with the video, but it will not comply with the conversion software I have.

Okay, fine.

I finally sign up for a Vimeo account to test it. I'm still waiting on my test to go through. He asked me to write something down for the phone call we were on; oddly, he had the novel idea to tap on my desk to get my attention (even though I heard the whole conversation with my headphones on and playing music anyway).

Okay, fine.

Whatever.

This has been my whole day and so far I'm okay. I only have one hour and four minutes before I can be done with this for now but I'm right at the edge of just forgetting where I am and snapping at someone. This is ridiculous.

You're stressed, I get it. I follow. Stop being a jerk. I've done nothing to you.

i hate ... people

...because of this picture, I wanted to say I hate girls, but guys suck just as much. Here's the scenario.

:: THE GUY

Virgin. Desperate for a romantic relationship. Can't think about anything else half the time. I mean the person who longingly sighs at every nearby couple and romantic flick. Barely into his 20s and doesn't listen to good advice about romantic relationships. Typical hopeless romantic.

:: THE GIRL

Not a virgin (and not the point). Very flirty and "out for a good time". Not a long-term relationship type. Likes to drink. Likes to party. Mildly indiscreet under alcoholic influence.

:: THE MEETUP

The story is long, but I'll skip to just these two. They start talking a bit after the girl gets out of a drama-filled-not-quite-a-relationship. He's obviously interested and he gets the courage to ask and she says yes. He couldn't be happier. He disappears -- I call it going into screensaver mode; there's a process going on, but no one can see what it is -- for weeks as they are dating. He does come over... when he's waiting for her to leave work so he can crash at her house.

They have sex; he gives his virginity to her. I imagine he's happy about this. She certainly seemed to enjoy it. Everything is fine. Everything is wonderful. Everything ends a few weeks later. Maybe three. She says she's not the marrying type. She didn't want to hurt him. She knew she wouldn't want to be in a relationship forever. She's doing this for him. She'd rather get this over with sooner than later. He's heartbroken. Very heartbroken.

I look at my roommates, we sadly nod; we warned him not to do this, but he didn't listen. He asks me what he should do. He wants to fight for the relationship. I tell him to see the truth in front of him. He wants to fight for something I believe is impossible; I explain that he wants something that, ultimately, she doesn't want -- a long-term, committed relationship. I explain this to him and quote her texts (yes, I did ask her why she did this). He says that he just wants to hold on a little longer. I tell him this will only hurt him. He doesn't care. He doesn't listen to me or anyone else. He chooses to fight for the relationship. He loses that fight.

Silence. The damage done in the way it was, will not allow them to be friends ever again and I know it. Days later, I notice her posting things about this guy. Not only that, but I see that she's posting a lot about being happy. I don't wish her miserable, but I wish she understood the effect of posting about this seeming unending happiness when there is a person following her that is massively unhappy directly because of her. I say nothing. No need to add more drama.

Fast forward through many silent weeks. Now I read this. This status. I'm dumbfounded. I become angry. You just broke up with a guy that you said:

• is a good person
• kind
• smart
• funny
• treats you well
• has great sex (apparently)

...because you didn't want to be in a long-term relationship and so your solution to this is.... to be in another relationship./?/!

Why do people do this? Why do people go around having sex with people they never intend to love or even see again? Why do people break up with good people that don't hurt them only to get into another relationship? What was wrong with the last one? I want to say this makes me hate girls (and it does), but thinking about it, guys are just as bad as girls are in this. It's not right and the fact that my friend is hurt by this only makes it worse. The fact that this is what he gave his virginity to? Even worse.

That's something that's frustrating: you can't have your virginity back and it's becoming more rare to give it to someone you don't regret giving it to. My friend gave his virginity away for a three week relationship. For the record, that's usually meant for "I'm in this with you for life" types of commitments.

I can't even express the depth of resentment and anger I feel for this. I don't think I can be her friend anymore after this. It would be different if they had a mutual breakup or even if he had done her some kind of wrong (I've been through both cases), but this I cannot do.

FUCK YOU ALL

You know, I've been trying to avoid the swearing, but fuck that right now. I need to just get some things out of my system in my own inimitable way and then move on.

To the girl that sits in my living room, stating that she is "confused" or "doesn't want to hurt ____'s feelings" when the fact is that she likes attention but doesn't want to commit to a relationship to get that attention; that she'd just rather have sex now and then and have the option to float in and out ____'s life other than that...

To the guy that comes over to my home, freaking out, that I have to mention semi-painful things to that then asks me for my advice, talks to me until about 3:30AM then, after all the time I spent to make peace possible, you go and fuck it up because, even though you had a civil disagreement and everything you weren't content to let it be. Not you. You had to go tit-for-tat on things and say unnecessary shit because you just can't keep things to yourself. Not at all. Even if it is completely unbeneficial in every way, it has to be said because you're thinking it at the time. How the hell can you say you dislike drama and then be entirely unable to control your fucking mouth at 4AM. You didn't have to text her at 4AM or 8AM or ever again, but no. You did and now your shit is on blast on Facebook. Good job, dumbass...

To the person that I tell, "You should just chill on this girlfriend thing and focus other things..." then hear them say, "Yeah, you're right..." only to talk about the amount of girls they got rejected by when they to the clubs cruising for girls the same fucking night...

To the person that gets all emo and goes "I guess I shouldn't tell anyone my problems..." because I tell them that I don't like it when they ask me for advice then not only don't follow it but do destructive bullshit afterward then use that as an excuse not to come over...

...and yes, bitch, I see what you're doing. You don't fool me.

The person calls me because they are bored with nothing at all to talk about of any consequence.

The person that perpetually plans to see me yet somehow doesn't seem to be around or want to make that 300 or so yard trip down the fucking street.

The girl that passes people like me up because we're obviously gay. Why are we gay? Oh, because I have shopping bags on my wall. Because I don't have my gf attached to my hip. Because I don't talk about wanting to fuck all the time. Because of a bunch of societal arbitrary bullshit...

Yeah, all of you: fuck you.

grrdammit: girls

You know, I get tired of this merry-go-round of nonsense in relationships. I really do.

I'm a single guy, so I guess I can't fathom all this, but whatever on that. Okay, so the situation is this: I ask a friend to go out or something and this is the general convo:

hey, let's hang out.
oh okay. cool.
sweet.

[three days later] sorry dude. can't go.

why?

[insert bullshit excuse related to girlfriend/wife/fiancé here]

Annoying for so many reasons. Seriously, ladies, you probably live with the guy because you're dating and see each other all the time or live together. Is it going to kill you that he's gone for an hour or even a day or two? No. No it won't because you'll have him mostly to yourself for the other 360~ days of the freakin' year.

What the fuck?

No, seriously. I hung out with Tai yesterday. I was the first person he had gone out to visit for three months because his baby's mom doesn't like his friends. This is what girls are like. Girls. Not women, not ladies, but freakin girls. I'm so tired of having to be separated from my guy friends when I finally have the free time to hang out because their girlfriends have to be attached to the hip or all of a sudden their feelings are being respected.

Are you fuckin serious?!

Yes, I understand that you can't be together all the time because each of you work and that means you have waking up together, sleeping together, mutual days off, holidays, the phone, facebook, etc... which leaves you about... six possible hours and three effective hours of together time together per day. On a seven day week, that's about 21 hours. About 1,000 hours a year. That said, I'm asking for 5-72 of those consecutively.

In spite of the fact that I'm asking for about 1-10% of your annual possible quality time together, I would also like to note that you have a 90% chance of seeing and communing with this person you are romantically involved with every single day. That's 168 hours a week or about 8000 hours a year. If I don't catch those few hours, I have a less than 1% chance to see this person, period. Maybe I'm out of line (as if I give a fuck), but I don't think I'm asking too much here.

And no, I am not going to apologize for any of these feelings because it should piss anyone off that manipulative bitches like this exist. This is just flat-out ridiculous. I can't tell you how many weekdays and weekends and other combinations of day plans this has ruined and if it isn't that it's the girlfriend/whomever that constantly calls or sends texts while the guy is out for a few hours.

Grow the fuck up.

I'm at this catering service my mom and one of her friends work for. In asking them how they got the jobs, I found out that, while they don't work for the company, but are called in for particular events which is how they earn money... or earned.

My mom at this point had found another job. The comments on how she lost the job were amusing.

Deciding to be on my way, I walked down a street. I was reading things via some device from the net as people were posting.

I saw common people running down a hill which I was walking upon -- area like downtown athens. It was evening. I notice an undercover cop and a nearby police station. As I walk, I notice someone behind me running and step out of their way. They slow down just a moment, but continue. This sets of red flags for me in this dream so I continue walking.

I walk on and notice a second, seemingly out-of-place person approaching me and I quicken my steps to move away. They follow as quickly as they can and I turn into the first lit, public building I am able to identify. Tables and chairs abound... along with the first person that made me nervous.

There are a group of people in the building at a table. They look like thugs. Spanish-speaking thugs. I ignore them for now. As I'm just trying to remain focus on where the others are, I notice no one handy to ask where things are. I try to find a table, bathroom, anything, but nothing is around. At a moment where I appeared distracted, one of the guys that ran past me before tried to grab my wallet. I had an extra shirt in a bag I was carrying, so I pulled it out and swung it toward his face. I did get him away from my things, but I hit someone nearby.

This person happened to be in a gang. I must have really bothered him because he decided that he had to take something to my face immediately in order to remedy the situation. I tried to explain my position. He did not care. A waitress appeared. They paid her money to ignore the situation I guess. I don't know.

I talked as much as I could. Of the people chasing me, one remained. The other vanished. The person I hit asked if he could kick me a certain way. I explained that it might dislocate my hip and I had barely brushed him with a t-shirt. He asked if he could hit me three times with a stick with the final hit being alongside my kneecap. I said no, this time no explaining. I asked to talk to the leader and explain myself. They said there were no leaders in this gang. One of them, by this time, had handed the offended person a long stick. There was a wooden mallet at the end. Something like a lacrosse stick.

I had to assess the situation; there were 16 of them, all focused on me, in a confined space with nothing to hide under or behind that everyone couldn't surround, with no weapons or communications device to instantly contact police and I didn't know the address here. I had no help. I didn't want anything broken and I didn't want head trauma. A cut or a bruise I could deal with. No aiming at major joints. They didn't want to comply with my wishes.

They looked really hungry...

...

.....

.......

... I woke myself up.

I hate being angry about things. I'm hating this time of day. A lot. I don't wanna be awake anymore.

does anyone hear me out here....

... when I'm sitting here mad -- I mean angry -- when I hear these guys talking about how this girl looks like this or that or the other. I mean, mind you, if you are looking crazy, then you are and there is no way around that.

You get no props from me if you don't take care of yourself.

On the other hand, there are people that are taking care of themselves but they maintain full figures. They are a little on the pudgy side, but they are still beautiful, beautiful women. Why should everything else that is absolutely wonderful about them be discounted just because they aren't a certain amount of pounds? What kind of fucked up system are we measuring people on. Then we look on with shock and disgust when we see people dealing with this weight problem or that eating disorder or just freaking out over trying to fit in with their girlfriends and boyfriends and all of this...

What the fuck??!?!?!?!?!?!

I mean really...

The person that raised me was a woman. Also a beautiful person. Also a strong person. Also a person that I didn't always get along with or understand, but that I respected and loved. Being raised as such, my respect for women as a whole runs pretty deep. I couldn't imagine being this shallow person who....

I can't even recap the whole conversation, but here's the bottom line: if I went to a concert to hear a group sing and the lead singer were a plus sized person, but had an amazing singing voice, WHY should what she weighs detract from that?! Seriously. "Ehh.... no one wants to go to see that..." Who the fuck... nevermind. I really need to calm down, but I should probably not talk for a while since I'm only going to find myself frustrated with the idea that a person could even say something like that.

This is not okay.

Bonus: This is what I'm talking about. This girl is beautiful.

being gay. being hurt.

I think I will talk about the hard part first.



Today, at the office, I heard "Mama" cry. Among my friends, very few things ever escape my notice. Tears most especially. She cried today because our CEO was being a jerk and accused her of doing something she didn't do. I won't get into the details of what, but it hurt her to the core and she cried. Not a few silent tears. She cried. She hurt...



...and now I rage. I have had nothing but violence filling my mind for the last two hours and restraining myself is harder than it has ever been. On the outside, I look depressed or sullen. On the inside, I dream of punching someone in the face repeatedly and mercilessly until all of the adrenaline passes out of my system. I can't even focus on the server test work I am supposed to be doing because I can't think about anything else. Not even my work.



Everyone here works very hard to do as much as they can for this man and all he does is call and talk down to people and trample their feelings and hard work and I am pissed enough that if it happens again, regardless of how much I like this job or my concerns about obtaining another one, I will walk out of this office and I won't even think of looking back.



I'm tired of seeing people hurt.

I'm tired of hurting.

I'm just tired.





On the topic of being gay: my friend Gary is gay. That's him all day and I love him. I am probably going to be his roommate again soon. I talked to my mom to tell her I was moving and he came up. She knows he's gay. She's a Christian (well, she's working at it and doing good so far). That said, the Bible says being gay is a sin (spare the arguments for a while, I'm just talking here, not making a critical analysis of whether God loves you or not) -- no questions, no bones about it.



So that said, this topic gets sensitive. Never heated (I'm too good at diffusing heated topics for it to get volatile and too even-tempered to be drawn into explosive arguments), but sensitive. I have gay friends and I spend time with them. A lot of time. Any time they want to hang out. We have sleepovers and watch movies and get food and go shopping at malls together and I don't even think of treating them differently than I would anyone else. Never have.



My mom thinks I should. She and I talked about this. She thinks that it is okay for me to have gay friends, but that I shouldn't spend as much time with them as I would with my straight friends because the Bible says it is wrong for a man to be with another man in the same way a man is with a woman (Leviticus 18:22 for those unaware).



Mind you, I know what the Bible contains as I spent four years reading and analyzing, but I took the time to pose a question: what makes that more wrong than anything else? My mom paused, so I explained it this way:



I have a roommate that is legally married, but sleeps with other women on a regular basis. One of those women is engaged. He is not married to any of these girls he sleeps with and has no intention of being so.



My mom replies, "...but that's different..." to which I respond as follows:



Wrong is wrong. What makes him sleeping with all of these women any different than a man sleeping with a man other than gender? Nothing. Nothing at all. If it is wrong, then it's all wrong for both of them. I don't say anything to the man sleeping with all of these women and as long as my roommate respects me enough to not have sex everywhere in the house, then he is free to sleep with whomever or date whomever. I have no problem with who he is or what he does. I am no one to say anything to him at all.



She let the conversation go at that. How do I feel about it? I just want respect. I don't like the idea of people sleeping together outside of wedlock, but it happens all around me. Keep it to yourself and don't wake me up banging your headboard against the wall and we'll be fine. Don't smoke your weed at my house and I'll have no problems. People have to live their lives. I try to be a positive influence, but I cannot control people and I don't have the authority to mark someone as sinner or saint; I am not the standard by which those things are measured anyway. Mind you, if I see obvious wrong, then I point it out, but to me, it is wrong to sleep with someone outside of wedlock regardless of gender. Aside from that, love is love.


Maybe I am too open of a mind.

what friendship means....

Today, on FB, I wrote something:

Friendship does *NOT* mean that you can manipulate my emotions or control me. Does not mean that I won't make you mad. Does not mean I won't hurt your feelings here and there. It means I walk the road with you and that I love you the best I know how with actions and not just words and if you cannot see or appreciate that, then you may need to evaluate your concept of friendship.

Levone and I were texting today. As usual, I greeted him and he responded with some odd comment or other about me not calling him on the phone. I simply swallowed my objections and called. Some time later, he called back, but I was on the phone with a friend who was telling me that his grandmother died. After ending that phone call, I took a moment to collect my thoughts, then returned the missed phone call.

We talked for hours about his day, my day, my current location, my website, his job, his mom, his drinking that weekend, a trip to the beach, his myspace account. He said he was deleting friends. He deleted them. I had my thoughts and kept them to myself. He comment on this and that -- "How do I get rid of people forever?" -- but I kept the thoughts on that to myself as well. I chuckled at some things he said. Kept talking.

When we finally did hang up, he said "Good night and goodbye." I suggested before that statement that he be more direct with people about how he feels about them, but this is how he is. He doesn't feel that he needs to say anything. People should just "get it", but they don't. They are imperfect and some don't always take hints. I'm sure I've done things that bothered him, but he won't bother to mention them in a direct way so we can resolve the issue; he'd rather just be mad at me (or whatever other nondescript feeling he feels). For example, "Hey check your [insert social network here]." "What about it?" "You notice anything?" "No." "Am I on your friends list...?" "Oh. What about it?"

What would I say that? Because, in the end, I don't care. If he calls, if he doesn't call, text or doesn't text, I don't care.

As I tried to explain to another friend later:

It is because I cared, that I do not care.

As with so many other things and people, my friendship is extended in seed form. If you don't nurture the seed I have given you, I will not give you more seed. That said, returned or not, I have extended friendship. I may have lost the smallest of things in being your friend, but if you knew the quality of the friendship I give, you will know that your loss is far greater.

late night

I'm all over the place mentally. Emotionally. Tonight is not going well at all. I am not thinking anything good about anything or anyone.

People seem to think only of themselves and I'm stoically aware of this. I feel my mind and emotions shutting down and slowly off. Maybe it is better that it happens this way for everyone. I simple fold in upon myself and I keep everyone else out. Maybe it will be permanent this time and I can be done with all of the emotions that plague me.... Like now.

one letter short of danger

I find myself, in the midst of a lot of changes, becoming angrier with every passing day.

I mean, really angry in general. Not a passing feeling, but an angry person. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I'm broken. Mostly, I think it's just my turn.

Tired of being talked to in crazy ways and being buffeted here and there. As much as I strive to imitate Him in my own crappy way, I am not the Son of God and the limits of my patience are shorter than His own by far.

That said, things that only garnered grunts, heavy sighing, or rolling eyes before now receive angry, confrontational yells. My thoughts become murderous at a much faster rate. Things like this happen. I almost fought with a friend this weekend because I was so pissed off at him for waking me up (mind you, I only had 3.5 hours of sleep) because I just wanted to be left alone....

I feel that way a lot more now. I just want to be left alone period. That and... dark.

irritation in minor keys

You know, the thing that irritates me most is that I've had to say the same exact thing multiple times a day everyday for weeks now. Could you please explain why it is so hard to understand me when I speak your native language? I mean, I do speak a few:

- spanish

- french

- japanese

- malay

I even know phrases in greek, maltese, and mandarin. Hell, I made up a language.

However, I chose to speak to you in english. I understand you and I am sure you understood me so WHY am I dealing with this again -- for the fifth time in days now -- when I have already told you what is going on? WTF....?!??!?!?

...and before you ask: yes I am rather highly irritated to the point of being angry.

...and before you ask: yes, that is directed toward you.

You are not deaf. You are not unintelligent. So I assume that you've just decided to say "well fuck whatever you just said...."

If that is the case, then fine, but try to be understanding if and when I punch you directly in the face and walk away without a word.... although you may hear a number... like two.