It's always the little things that get to me and it's always the little things that say so much about who and what and how people really are. I'll just start from today and go backward a while and see where I end up.
This morning, after I decided that I was going to work today at 10AM and not 9, I have a knock at the door. Phillip just wanted to sit and talk. I really didn't want to, but I opened my door and let him talk. The first thing he does is apologize about the clippers. Let me give you a side story about the clippers.
ABOUT THE CLIPPERSYesterday, as I get off the bus from work, I see Phillip leaving. He flags me down and I walk over (I really did just want to ignore him, but then again, when it comes to it, I can't be the ass I want to be at times) and asks me if I have a screw for a pair of clippers as he has dropped a screw down the drain. I look at the passenger's seat and I notice the clippers I had purchased only two weeks ago in the seat. I asked him if those were the clippers I had purchased and he confirmed they were. I walked away without another word.
He continues on with this thought and that he's had about everything under the sun, most of which is centered on himself... as it always is..., and then he lets me know he's finished speaking at which point, I ask him to take me to work. Mind you, I tried to ask Rickey, but I knocked and he didn't respond although he was changing music every few minutes. I assumed he wanted to be left alone. He texted me later asking why I didn't just open the door and walk in and I explained that I get mad when people do it to me, so I avoid doing it to other people.
What a novel fucking concept.
I get to work and I meet up with my boss and we chat. While I'm thinking about all the new data and writing emails and things, I process what's happening everywhere else. Honestly, I just see what's in front of me and it would crush a normal soul. I guess I don't have a normal one.
I'm watching people disappear and, for the most part, I'm letting it happen. The (very) small surprise is that it is happening almost effortlessly and a lot of it doesn't even require action on my part. It's not even because I'm ignoring or neglecting as much as I am who I am and that pushes as many people away as it draws in. In some cases, it's the very same thing that drew people in to begin with.
I'm thankful for the experience of others and having been as open as I have been and I keep moving forward unafraid of being alone and knowing that I find myself open to being accompanied. It feels neither good nor bad. It simply is.
I find myself more angry with every time I walk into the kitchen lately as well. I discussed this last week. The week before. A few nights ago. Last month. Last year. Two years ago. Different people, different scenes, one message: if you mess that up, please clean it. I like the house being clean. It upsets me when it is messy. I don't like seeing the sink full of dishes when everyone in here is legal drinking age. Please clean your dishes. Don't keep them in your room. I understand that you're tired, but if you put forth the energy to cook, you can clean the mess you made. Clean your mess.
Am I being unclear? Unfair? Unreasonable? I don't think so. On any level. I don't understand why this continues. Maybe it's because I haven't punched anyone in the face. Maybe because I haven't run about roaring angrily that things need to be done. I don't understand what needs to happen. I want to say that it doesn't matter or shouldn't, but the fact is that it does. My lease is up in March, but I shouldn't have to deal with nonsense until then. It's not that hard to just do the effing dishes. Of course, if I walk into the kitchen and start cleaning, I make people nervous and then there's all the "are you okay" questions as if they can't make a clear line from what's going on to my feelings about it. Just an aside: people that feign ignorance about why I'm upset or angry when they are clearly the cause piss me off. The only thing that makes me more annoyed is when people are genuinely clueless and thoughtless about how their actions affect other people. So do I wait until the lease is up? Hell no, but what to do in the meantime? It's a mixed bag. Most times, I just do what needs to be done and stay in my room, but lately I feel like doing more than that and it will not be pretty when it happens.
Most days, I'm annoyed no matter how the day goes because there's the underlying set of things that never seem to change in spite of my best efforts and I refuse to accept them as they are, so things are about to get heated. I'm more than okay with this because at the end of the day, I have all that I need to be okay on earth and that does not include people that are about bullshit and nonsense.
I talked to Men about being taken for granted. Seems to be happening a lot around here. After that discussion, I made a decision. I went around the house and boxed up all the tupperware excepting a few pieces and donated all of the dishes to the Goodwill. Yes. The. Fucking. Goodwill. I want someone to complain so I can just flip the fuck out. I don't care at this point. If I didn't run into a sink full of dishes every day, I wouldn't have donated them, but then when I know dishes aren't being done and you try to dip into the extra dishes instead of cleaning your mess? Hell no. Hell. To. The. No.
There's a fight. A rebellion on the outskirts of my city.
Bring it the fuck on.
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