How To Reset

Me: I read your email. Thank you for sending. I wrote a reply, too. Whenever you are ready, I would like to talk to you, too. That may be a while and I understand.

Her: Thank you for your reply and understanding. It means the world to me. More than I can express

Me: I did all the heavy lifting beforehand. Like I said: I love you and it is without condition. And you are most welcome. And I am sorry.

Her: Don't be sorry. Much has been learned and I have no regrets. And I love you back. I hope you know that

Me: I am bc you were hurt and angered and I don't don't even know why but you were. I am sorry that I hurt you. I did not want to.

Her: And I am here for you as I always was. I'll write you back and want us to be as close friends as I feel we are. It's okay. I don't hold on to those things. I'll explain in a letter.

Me: And I will love you as I always do. And if you don't mind, I would still like to take all the trips we mentioned, go to striver's tow, and read spoken word at some random meeting.

Her: I would absolutely love that.

Me: Then let's. I have enough I've written and I'll be writing more so maybe sooner than later. Who knows? And you know it is strangely coincidental that you sent that email today of all days.

Her: Deal. Why is that?

Me: It's september the 11th.

Her: I didn't even realize that. I am sorry if I've hurt you.

Me: Well, I would not be honest if I said that this is without pain but the love is so much greater that it doesn't matter. And I'm sorry I hurt you. I always will be. But you are still here and that means we can rebuild and try again. Maybe a different building maybe another street. As long as we are near a coffee shop and an airport, right?

Her: And if, down the line, you realize you don't want to be friends (I truly hope that doesn't happen but I will respect you if it does), I understand

Me: Put that silly notion out of your head. You're essential.

Her: Right. :) I'm not one to predict the future and I don't know what it holds but I want you in my life as we were before. And whatever happens, happens. *hugs* as are you.

Me: We are beautiful in all of our forms. As we agreed, we enhance each other.

Her: I concur. What do you guys have planned for today? Did sanquan enjoy the beach?

Me: He did. He walked the coastline. I sat and wrote for an hour before walking into the waves and praying. If you haven't done that, you should one day.

Her: That sounds incredible peaceful. I used to do that all the time when I lived in Florida. :)

Me: :) best thing ever.

Her: Agreed. You'll have to visit me in Florida whenever I make it back down there and we can hit the beach and do that very thing

Me: You're on ^_^

Her: :) okay, I have to get back to work but I hope you guys have a wonderful day. Say hello to Savannah for me

Me: With gusto. Tqm. And have a great day at work.

Her: Igualmente! Have a wonderful day

Me: Oh wait! Almost forgot: can I still use netflix?? Lol

Her: Lol definitely

Me: :p we know how essential that is.

Her: Silly question, sir ;)

Me: I suppose it is ^.^

Denoument

DENOUEMENT

1. the final outcome of the main dramatic complication in a literary work 
2. the outcome of a complex sequence of events

If you remember an earlier entry, I mentioned that this song is some of the most heart-breaking stuff to listen to. In this song, the relationship between these two people is fanned into flame. In the video above, it is dismantled in about a third of that time.

I look around at what's going on and I feel a certain sense of this happening. Everyone is moving out now and that's just that. I had a couple of people tell me they wanted to move in, so new roommates pending. That's cool.

I've undone so much between Morgan and myself (James and I are fine) in the process and he's only getting the tip of the iceberg in this:

• I've added all of our shows to watch to a solo queue. I will have to watch them on my own and share them with twitter, I suppose.
• I've removed or had him remove me from a lot of platforms we use to connect.
• I'm forgetting the bench and the hideout.

It's a long list, but it's just a bunch of emotion and small details that make our friendship what it is. 

We finally did get to have that talk. I was going to do it over whiskey shots, but didn't. We just talked. It was a good sign. I suggested he was hurting me out of ignorance. He took exception to being seen as ignorant until I explained everything. 

After that, he cried.

He was at a loss for how to even apologize. I told him not to. I don't want him to apologize; I want him to make better choices. I told him exactly this. I told him that being a slave to his habits would be his undoing. We spoke at length. He still wants us to be close friends. He wants his "name" back. He wants us to get better.

I don't want to make it impossible for him, but I can't make this easy; he did a lot of breaking and now he needs to make amends for what he's done and I can't do that for him. If he wants this relationship to work, he'll have to make the effort now. He wears a bracelet that reminded/reminds him that, even when he was the worst to me, I was always there for him no matter what and he shat on it.

Hell, he asked me why I waited for him to tell me he wanted to talk. After masking a great deal of offense, I said, "Well, I would, but when I do, you tell me I'm taking too much time or being too emotional or being too complicated for your liking. It's hard to speak to someone when they seem put out by the very idea." He started to protest but realized that's how he'd been treating me. He tried to get defensive by asking why I bothered talking to him if he was such a shitty person. I told him, I'm not calling him a villain or a demon; I only intend to tell him what has happened.

Tears.

Because I told him the truth.

Because he had to admit that he had nothing but bs excuses for treating me as he did.

Because I demanded meaning for all of that from him. 

As I explained things, I continued to muse aloud:

• Maybe I was just here to keep you stable between girlfriends.
• Maybe I was here to teach you a few lessons in how to really love someone.
• Maybe I was only to get you to this point in your life and nothing more.

When he protested this because it was too much like not being close friends for life, I simply said:

"Fine. Tell me why I went through this. Give it meaning and purpose..."

The tears started here as he realized he had hurt me and had no idea why.


And now we're at today. I'm planning for a life without him. Why? Because he wants good, but not enough to do it. Not enough to work for it unless there is a great deal of fear or it's something he really wants. I explained this. I told him that he can't help it; it's not that he doesn't want to be friends or close friends, but that he doesn't want that enough. That he doesn't need me when he already has everything he wants in Rachel. That probably upset him, but that's the reality he's left us in.


So now, denouement after we've spoken. I just watch and see what he does and how. I do the same with James. It's all winding down. I don't think people know how good I am at guessing what's going to happen to them and planning either in advance or on the spot....

The goodbye hurts (and this is probably a goodbye), but I look forward to where I can go and what I can do now and that is always a good thing to look forward.

Adrift

I thought about a few things as I watched you sleep.

You know, it really didn't make sense to me and to a degree and it still doesn't in a way, but nevermind that. Stop touching me. Nevermind that, too. I suppose what I do think about most is that you seem to have the hardest time understanding that I'm subject to humanity like everyone else. In spite of my many unusual qualities, I'm subject to the traps and foibles that everyone else is from time to time. It causes odd reactions and, while I have moments I find that amusing, I also find them simultaneously disturbing. I have a hard time understanding what's expected of me and, apparently, whatever that something is will be impossible for me to live up to regularly. In a sense, I'm being set up to fail. That's fine, though. I like challenges.

It still amuses me -- in spite of the accompanying curse -- that people really do not wrap their head around the idea that I am, in fact, a human being. Otherworldly? Probably in many respects, but human nonetheless. Certainly not a god. Definitely not God.

Talking to you the other night was enlightening and... well... needed. You really should be more straight up with your feelings like that more often. It was refreshing. I still don't think you're average. In any case, it was a special time. Maybe you're right. I should be more thoughtful about those to whom I extend my kindness and, by proxy, myself. I should definitely balance the equation. You're also correct in that I'm usually far kinder to most people than they will ever be to me and you may be more right than I want to admit in the idea that people -- a lot of people -- enjoy what I do for them more than they enjoy me and that if I did not do what I do (mostly as a function of who I am), then they wouldn't be around. I've seen enough of that to know it is a fact.

Just how many people are there like that in my life currently? Just reaping the benefits of how me being me benefits them? I've identified more than a few.


You also said that you don't know if it's in me to not care the way I do. You've seen me be caring to everyone. You don't know that I can turn that off. You know what? Maybe I can't turn it off. As much as I would like to do so. Maybe the most I can do is mitigate it or channel it. I can do that. I've done that before. It takes extreme effort and focus and determination and it hurts for a long while after it starts, but I can just turn from someone and that be that from me. I've done it a few times and it's rare that if I ever walk down that path that I turn aside from it. I've ever only turn back for one person and even then...

In the end, it is something that can be done and that's the important thing. If it's something I should do and can do, then I'll do it.

I'm putting some things out of sight for a while and seeing how long I make it. We'll see what happens as a result.

I really should just settle into the fact that, whatever they are, people could give less than two fucks about my feelings or sensitivity to certain things. I also need to learn when not to talk to people. I also need to... In short, I need to retract a bit from some things. A lot of things. That's unfortunate, but that's how it is. You know what the funny thing is? I'll run into a lot of these people I need to retract from a bit today and they'll wonder why I'm acting weird.

Whatever. I'm moving on now. I'll honor my promises and do what I intended out of kindness long ago, but I'm not wasting time.

Are You Happy

Someone asked me this yesterday.

You're older than me; are you happy?

They commented that I seem to be down sometimes and lately they haven't known what to make of it.

My answer to that was an unequivocal yes; my life for all of its stumbling about is a good one. I have loved, I am loved and that most of all by God Himself. I do frown and furrow an eyebrow now and then; the world in which I live is not sorrow-free and that was never promised to me or anyone else. At the same time, it is a beautiful world and I find that when I look around me, my heart is filled with an acute, puncturing sense of gratitude. That is to say: I am thankful to be alive and I believe that every day has amazing possibilities for things to do, learn, and become.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One moment at a time. I am becoming closer to what God wants me to be -- sometimes kicking and screaming -- and I love every moment of it. I have a tattoo and a mohawk; in short, I'm evolving some and continuously shuffling off this sin-filled shell until That Day.

That said, I'm happy. The feeling, fleeting at best, but as a general state, it is default.

Humanity

It's been a pretty crazy couple of days in a good way.

I went to go see Reza and bought two new tank tops from Aero on the way. It was a good day there. We took a walk and caught up on a few things along with Brett. This ended up being funny for a lot of reasons. I took a couple of pictures on the iPhone. Polli commented that he'd put on some muscle (he did). His family was ecstatic to see me. We watched Ever After, then Avengers and ate Iranian food. During all of this, I thought about other things during the day. I thought about his mom's recounting of some paper I helped her to do a while back and how that kindness still shines in her memory as significant. It was so small to me that I didn't think she'd continue to remember, but it seems she did. She told the whole story with a smile.

Later, we visited with some of his family who came to celebrate Ramin's graduation from high school. We had strange-tasting ice cream (it was made with rosewater and saffron) and jello (which I hate because of texture). Wasn't all that bad, actually.

I came home and stayed awake till sunrise watching anime with Randy and slept until the following afternoon. I awoke and waited for training time at 5. After training, I logged, then did varying things before watching more anime with Phillip and Randy for a few hours. I didn't notice that Arima had tried to text me about a party for Stephanie the day before (all the texts had the wrong time on them). It was unfortunate, but blah. I stayed up late that night, too.

I woke up around noon today and ended up seeing Avengers with Phillip and Laquita. We were 20 minutes late getting there, but they enjoyed the movie thoroughly. After that, we all came back home where I am thinking exercise and laundry would be fantastic, so I will get to work on those things...

...but that will be later.

For now, I'm trying to sort my thoughts. More like sorting my feelings. On things. On people. It's just the peaks and valleys, I suppose, but there are those feelings and people you never forget about (and you usually don't want to). It's things like ocean and water quotes. It's funny; I wonder who remembers that or if it matters sometimes. I would never take those moments back for anything, but it is a sad thing when I spend these moments wondering if my heart is the only one that remembers. When we  share our hearts and lives, we want those moments we shared to be remembered and passionately guarded from fading, but we can never be sure that they are by anyone other than ourselves.

On the other hand, here's a written record: I will always remember. A year from now, ten years from now. If you called upon me, I would still be here to call on if you needed me. You and only you will know the depth of what that means. It's only slightly "unfair" and even that is in quotes because I shouldn't expect there to be a return. Even if there is, I shouldn't expect it; it should be freely given, right? Right; all things good are freely given. I mean, I'm not perfect. Just... just try to remember how you feel right now. Keep this in your mind. That's what you said then and I have kept my promise in that.

I also think about things like people I try to contact. You know, some of these contacts just aren't good for me on any level and others of them are meaningless. I think a lot of it falls into the last category. People I've been discarded by without any reason I am able to discern. I suppose I could say I've been burned more than once in that respect, but I've never been one to fear the fire. Even so, on a logical level, there's just no sense in persistence for these types of relationships; if someone doesn't care about you, then they don't. It's like my attempt at maintaining a friendship with Ian. I have to stop expecting or even wanting people to care more than they do or are willing to. My ideas on people, on humanity, on so many things are taking a sharp downturn, but it's all part of the process of trying not to expect more. I am hopeful to a fault. I really am. I look at people and see not just who they are, but what they could become. I need to remove that last thing on so many levels because it is doing neither me nor anyone else any good.

I'll continue these thoughts later and I'm sure they will come back in force, like every other cycle and/or tide, but for now, this is enough. I must move on and, more importantly, clear out a few things. Namely, contact lists.

Talking to Beth

I wish she were my psychologist. It went from a simple hello and what could have been a casual convo to a real talk about emotions and scarring and the impact it leaves. Deep truths were spoken.

When someone breaks an arm, we give them plenty if time to heal. If someone is sick, they can have a week off from work.

On the other hand, if your heart is broken, we expect at work on time the next day.

This country is just not good the way we ate taught to handle emotions. Beth said that some people aren't made to live in the US and that I'm one of those.

I believe that.


We talked about things that triggered memories and I immediately snapped to a subconscious response in a hotel lobby to a song that wasn't even heard before being responded to and I mentioned that story without a single detail.

It's amazing how something in me will respond to words I don't understand at all.


I talked to Barry about the risk, pain and freedom that love is and recounted without detail bits of how you and I became. I told him to live fearlessly and shared what I've learned.

Glad I did.

I've so much more to day, buy I'm tired.

Salt and Water

The one said:

If my love for you were an ocean, I'm lost at sea without a lifesaver, raft, or signal flare in tropical waters and a thousand miles from the shore.

The other said:

If your love for me were an ocean, I would be salt.

The one thought:

If you are the salt, I will become one with these waters.

Hearts beat harder, but as one.

... and so continued the flow... 

About Brevity

This trip -- and most things I experience -- have taught me about loving.

This week has been one of deep appreciation and warning. I was doing high school, then college, then stabilizing my financial life, then finding a home and maintaining it and work and just growing up and just like that 14 years went by.

My uncle was happy to see me and after we talked about why I had my iPhone in hand at all times -- which took me a minute to explain and I wish he would have asked last night -- we talked about the next visit.

He said it is important that I come back and visit more often because I have ties here and it is my home. It would be rough going if I came up and wished I had been here to see my grandparents again.

He's right. Love is such a beautiful thing but our time to share it -- to burn our brightest light to those we love -- is brief at best and there is never a guarantee that I will have that person or people to love again if I don't give it all I have right now.

This is why I'm big on going hard if you're going to love someone. Never never never ration out your affections to people that are clearly worth it in your life. Some people do that. I know people that love me, but hold back from giving me their all and I can understand that, but we do not have any guarantee that I will always have you or that you will have me.

For my part, I'm making plans for a return trip, but I have much to ponder still about loving.

I suppose I will do as I have done and love hard even when it hurts, but the transience of us all cannot be overstated; our time left to love each other is completely unknown and I will always give my utmost and last to love you and let you know I do.

I hope you think enough of me to reach into the deepest parts of your love and give me the unbridled, unfiltered kind of love that (1) I crave and (2) I deserve to see if you think I'm worth loving at all.

If not, I'll give you this chance to back out. I'll let it be. I won't even bother you with it again.

On the other hand, if your love were a fire, I want you to burn white hot and if it consumes me, then let not even the ashes remain.

Turnaround Magic

I love these kinds of moments. I was so irritated and just went to talk to Jill. I didn't even state what was wrong, but just taking out a little frustration to someone that I knew would care helped me so much.

After that, a song came on. Jill commented that the crowd was dead, so I suggested we go liven things up. She was down and soon we were clapping and moving. It spread a little by a little and got people near us moving.

We came back and shared pictures and laughed and my irritation melted away. I wasn't on the phone much still but it was my choice this time. I swayed and enjoyed the music.

I had one song I wanted to hear very much, so i asked for it after being encouraged by Jill (dude, you're you, of course he'd play it).

His eyebrows jumped a bit, but he smiled and said sure. It was a really old song he hadn't had requested in forever. What he doesn't know it that that song is deep in my soul. I remember where and when I was, crying because I missed the very person playing the song which was on a cassette tape. Beautiful, but painful memory.

I stood for most of that song, silently thanking them for playing it and enjoying the expressions of everyone around. Especially Tomo who has the most soul-soothing, peaceful expression while playing.

I thanked them all and Jerry gave me a CD to take home. I'm rather excited about this since it has newer things on it. I don't think he understood that I wanted all of the music he's ever made.

He does now.

We hugged, I hugged Jill, I shook hands with the band, and so ends my final night here. It was so good to be here and I'm
Thankful for the little things that can change a night from frustrating into magical.

This night was definitely that and tomorrow I head home. There is a lot I will miss here. Especially the musical tastes. I actually like listening to the radio. Everyone here knows good music.

That said, my love waits for me in Georgia and I really want to be there right now. I come back to them, happy but longing.

I'm glad I came here. I really am.

My Father's Son

This visit has been so many things leading to today. Eye-opening and funny.

I've lived with my mom most of my life and I take many a trait from there, but today I observed that so many things within me that are emerging are from my father's line.

Alton is a ninja. Grandma is elegant, graceful and warm with a sharp edge. Grandpa is straight gangsta. Jerry is curious and funny. Brandon is observant and painfully honest. Tarina is quiet joy. All of the men share my bodily features; height, hairline, skin textures... all of it.

It caused so much unexpected, unbridled joy for everyone to see me there. 14 years stored up with love were spilled out so much. I took a lot of pictures.

People were married. People existed that did not exist when I was there last. Everyone that met me for the first time liked me. I also liked them. Laughter flowed through. Old wounds were opened here and there and we're just as quickly closed.

Jill was glad to finally meet me in person. Every embrace was met with laughter by me and each person that hugged me. Contact info was exchanged. It was so much but yet not enough. There were the questions of course; where had I been? Why so silent for so long? Not a touch of hurt, though. Pure curiosity on where life's roads had led me in love and adulthood. All met with nods and understanding.

With that, the night ended and we were all pretty tired.

Now home, thoughts and feelings from many corners are filling my mind, but of them all, as much as I love my mom, I am clearly my father's son.

With the Fam

I love you and I'm missing you terribly but even in that, my hours have laughter in their wake. Being with my family inspires so much joy in just their being.




My uncle laughing and saying, "Yes and thank you" when the TV announces that shopping at Sacs 5th Avenue is not black Friday shopping.

The guys watching varying sports and joking while the girls busy themselves making this and that. It's just how they are.

We're listening and talking about iPhones and Droids and putting more sugar in the fruit punch.

It's these people that I inherit so much of who I am from. Even in our deepest seriousness, there's a bit of mirth and faith that things will be as they should be.

We love hard here and everyone is welcome. I'll miss this when I return home but for now, I enjoy every moment of it even as I sit here and write.




Oh, and I kinda look cute. ♥

Sleeping with Dad

It was getting late and Dad said he avoids being out in the rain as it gives him head cold, so GE spent the night.

"Do you roll up in the blanket at night because if so, we need to talk about that..."

I had to laugh. We ended up talking about my uncle who is notorious for this. He asked me to wake him up at 7:20 or so in the morning so he could be off to prepare for work. I told him I would.

He slept in bed next to me.

I played with the phone for a bit bd talked to Hime-chan for a bit before finally sleeping. I woke up around 5:30 and turned over a bit. I, of course, couldn't sleep, so I watched him sleep. He was still and made little sound. Much like me.

I watched the time and waited for the next two hours to pass. I finally saw the time and remembered my promise. I started to wake him. Grandma also came down the hall to wake him.

I couldn't even suppress the thoughts of, "Daddy, do you have to go...?" even as I was telling him he did. Very odd feeling.

Finally he got out of bed, put on clothes, and got ready to leave. I stayed awake and watched him move about. He came back to the bed and I sat up to meet him.

We both hugged each other and wished things were otherwise. I told him I loved him in sotto-voce and he said the same.

"I'll see you soon, ok?"

"Ok. Stay out of the rain. Don't take candy from people in unmarked white vans."

I'm lying in bed. I don't want to start my day yet.

Commune time is going to be essential today.i wish I knew what to sub for pullups.

As You Are There

I sit here and I wonder how I was ever this blessed. How do things like this happen to me?

It was so simple how all of this started. I remember that day. You were just sitting over there and I noticed you. I mean, I noticed. It wasn't something you said or something you did. It was just who you were. I saw an unexplored depth. I connected right then and there. We had to be friends. We just had to. I left the room after speaking a few words, but they were more than enough.

After that day, I thought about you a lot. I wondered what you thought about things. I wondered what our first conversation would be like. Maybe casual. Maybe serious. Maybe both. Who knew?

Then we started to talk. And talk. And talk. The more we talked, the closer we became. Line after line. Concept after concept. It wasn't even the words we chose.... or maybe it was. There are those people -- those friends and lovers -- that, when you read their words, your heart beats a little faster. Sadness is a little more sad. Happiness is a little more happy. You were easily one of these and it made my head spin thinking of how quickly a bond like that could be formed. It still does and I smile when I think about it.

We stood in the middle of a crossroads in life, pointed to the signs that led us to this spot, then chose to walk away from that spot together. I knew, but I didn't know it would be like this. I knew you would be here. It's something I called being "knit-together"; I believe God makes souls that are uniquely shaped to fit together with ours as friends, lovers and family.

Some of these people you meet at varying points in life and no matter how long you may have lived without them before, you wonder how you ever did and suddenly you can't think of a day without them being there. You don't know how you survive without them.

Yes, it sounds obsessive.
No, I don't care.

I feel this way about my closest friends and I always have and there will never be a time where I do not feel that way about them and I don't care to hide that feeling. Not now. Not later. Not ever. When I close my eyes and I think about you, I feel you right next to me and for a few moments, I feel bigger than the body I'm in and the planet I'm on.

I hold you in my arms for just a moment and I listen to your breathing and your heartbeat and we're connected for just a moment -- spirit to spirit, soul to soul. Then I let go and I'm left smiling, yet sad. It was only a vision -- you are not here. You are there where you are living where you live and I pray that wherever that is that you are happy there. I go through so many emotions. I want to get in my car and drive and hug you and not care that I'm interrupting your job or your church service or your mid-afternoon nap. I want to hug you and I don't want to let go. I see the gift I've been given and I am sharply aware that I don't have enough life to appreciate it properly, but I want to give it all I can...

...then I think that it may be too much for you.

I've been down that road. I've bared all of my deepest emotions and have people straight up walk out of my life just after the words, "I love you and I'll always be here for whatever" escaped their lips. I've been hurt deeper and more often over that one thing than any in my life and just when I want to hide and never show myself again, I see or think about you and it's worth trying again...

And again...
And again...

I'm honestly trying not to cry, but I want to and this is a really emotional entry and that's fine. I think the things we love should move us that much at minimum. You make me want to roar like a lion, lie down like a sheep, be loyal like a faithful dog, defend fiercely, love fearlessly and learn to love even better just so I can give you the fruit of that learning process every day.

All of this is what I think about when I wake up in a fit of insomnia and I suddenly wish for you to be here for even one moment. To talk or laugh or cry or nothing at all other than just be here with me. I can live without you being here. I could live without you at all, but in my heart, I don't want to have to even breathe without you and sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming to take in when I say it all like this, so I hope that the next time when I hug you a little tighter or hold on a little longer or when I stall just a little more when we part ways that you understand that I'm just a kid trying to slow down time for just one more second to love you with.

And when I put my hand on your shoulder and sometimes even fight just to not out and out kiss you on the forehead, I get the idea from your slight, nearly imperceptible smile and occasionally lingering eye contact, that you do.

Effin Amazing

So today I went and saw this lovely lady:

That's right: be jealous.

Seriously, I just wanted to get out of the house and out of Athens for a while, so I posted on FB and asked who wanted a visit. I took the responses I got and planned a visit to Michelle since she was the first response.

I called Brett to see if he wanted in.
He did.

When he arrived, I ate the lunch on my diet and headed to menchies. While there, I got a hat.

After that, it was just the two of us on the open road with a talking GPS app and lots of upbeat music. We talked about all sorts of things from the silly to the serious and back again.

Arriving at Michelle's, Kasey greeted Brett and I at the door with great gusto. After that, we chatted for a bit. Michelle herself was out for a bit. Kasey was preparing to go fishing with her beau.

When Michelle got home, she settled in and caught us up on things going on with her. We exchanged stories from the past, explaining our connection to Brett. I also got to show her some of the pictures I've been working on. Finally, we went out for a walk around the downtown area.

Lots of shops. We stopped at a sushi spot and Marble Slab for ice cream. We spent most of that time laughing and in good spirits. I tried to tag Randa on the way up, but timing with other things didn't work out well. Hopefully, I will catch her when I'm up that way again.

After a lot more talking and such, Brett and I made the return trek home and talked about a lot of funny and semi-awkward things while laughing about the events of the day.

When I finally got home, James and Rickey were here, so Brett talked to them for a bit. I came over to them and spoke a bit as well. We got plenty of questions about what we did all day.

I answered not a one.

After that, James mentioned that Rickey had some going-away party for him last night.


Um....whutdafukk?! Did you really just tell this man -- who told you he was going to be gone for the weekend on friday morning -- that you were having a going-away party for him when he was clearly not to be home and lie to his face?

Well... I wanted to surprise you and I thought you would be back home...


OMFG are you kidding me right now? So how did all the stuff last night happen?

Well, you didn't come home, so I decided to do some other stuff....


I simply posted, "I don't like liars..." and left that alone. Nigga knows he was not trying to have a going-away party when James was gone for the weekend; James never comes home on a Saturday when he has the whole weekend off.

Lying bastard...

Rickey asked if I got laid. I told him he'll find out at 7:30AM tomorrow morning. "That wasn't me man, that was Kevin." You really want me to believe that you let someone have sex that you did not partake of in your bedroom?! Do I really look that dumb to you?! C'mon son. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.

How do people stay on that next level shit? I'll catch you every time and I know I caught you now, but you know what? Fuck it. I had a good day being somewhere other than here and I'll choose to let that make this night good even if Rickey is a lying prick more than half the time now...

What the hell happened to this kid...?


...oh, and I sound like a fratty, white guy. Priceless.

First Time In Weeks

Last night, I get a wall post on FB:

We need to talk :/

I walk down the hall and find out what's up; James can't hack the financial struggle of living here, so he's moving.

Next week.

He put the word in my ear that Rickey would be following suit quickly.

I smiled; not even a week ago I asked James, with Rickey's recent sustained absence, I wonder when he was going to come home and say "Hey guys, I'm about to move."

I have an answer now: three months depending.

We talked through it all then laughed like communication hadn't been broken. I noted to the guy that we'd not spoken like this in a month.

James went to bed and Rickey and I talked about life for three hours. Not even a few hours before, he'd had a visitor over (Quan) and had been home for hours without a word and we have been doing for days and now he tells me about his life in general and that he thinks I'm a good friend and he wonders what more I want to do with my life.

I said, "good night" at 3:30am. I could have ended it sooner and been abrupt and acted out of hurt, but I acted out of what I wanted instead and I think we're closer to being okay now.

In spite of however I've felt recently -- and that's a lot of feeling -- moments like this are still inexplicably valuable to me. Inexplicably because I shouldn't even care, but I do.

This new change should be interesting.

Off to take the boss man to the airport now. He so did this guy thing. Guys have this way of talking without talking. It's a touch or a look or a nod and it says volumes; "see you tomorrow" carries more emotion than most women can fathom.

It was the way he touched my leg and almost started to say something in Italian about his iPod; it's hard to explain because it is something you understand emotionally...

Stress

This is Monday.
Monday.
I do not need this stress today.

In the last 24 hours, pending the normal sleep issues I had, I've had a full day with dealing with seemingly unending waves of nonsense. I don't know where all of this is coming from, but I'm kinda fed up with it now. I don't even know where to start.

Maybe it was the conference call at 9PM that started as a meeting at the library at 6PM and that the people that called the meeting ended up attending... 30 minutes later that scheduled.

Maybe it was the blowup over a status that I posted which was not related to the person that blew up at me. Are you serious? I wrote a very clear email to which they apologized, but couldn't we have avoided this in the first place by simply asking if the thing I had written was, in fact, referencing whatever they thought it referenced? What is this madness?

Maybe it was the constant editing of this contract all day. I mean, thank God I'm being paid more than I planned, but the site was due to launch today and to that end I have completed my part of the project and have tried to keep everyone on task and motivated as well as I could while making sure to tend to my own tasks in the project.

This particular thing, the project itself wasn't that hard, but getting all the parts in that I wanted was. The site can go live now and should be in full production in 9 days. During that time, I assigned AB and Polli some work. Some of that work is done, part of it is not done. Polli needed help on a part that he was working on which took him a while to finally ask me for help on.

Okay, fine.

I hadn't heard a word from him about where he was or what was going on with what he was doing. Communication is kind of important since we're not in the same place and, of course, deadlines have to be met since we are being paid to do this work. I try to understand that he's not necessarily in the best of working conditions and while I do, I can't imagine how that prevents the use of a mobile phone. Maybe he's busy and he'll get to me when he can.

Okay, fine.

I write him earlier today because today is the day the core of the whole project is due which includes a live site. I explain that communication is necessary, even if he doesn't have anything to report at the moment, because other things are happening that he needs to know about. We exchange a few other items. He explains that he would be over at the house a bit after work and we can work through his questions then.

Okay, fine.

Hours pass. I hear nothing. I see nothing. I look for emails, text messages. I see things that make me smile or over which I become upset, but nothing about anyone coming to my house, on the way to my house, or even not coming for some particular reason. I am still working through something to put on a page for this website I'm making. Finally, I text them to find out they:

1. had been off work for two hours
2. just arrived home
3. were taking a shower and would be over shortly after that

Sigh. Okay, it's not going to leave us a lot of time to work with, but I'll go with it. I'll just stay awake a little later. It's important enough that we get this thing done as soon as possible since it is now overdue, but it's whatever. We can work it in pretty quickly as long as we focus. So I'll wait.

Okay, fine.

Another two hours go by. It is getting late. I should sleep. I am hungry and frustrated that I could not freely order chinese food today since I bought everyone 40 acres and a mule last week.

[pause to call my younger sister as I was reminded via text that today was her birthday and that, although I thought she wasn't feeling well, she was and had commented that 'Marquis hasn't called me to tell me happy birthday..." She seems happy to hear from me and is talking my ear off about everything that's happened in the last week and the latest about the movies she wants to watch and all the other things girls her age like to talk about...]

I am equally frustrated that I have to figure out how to manage having ~$30 until the next time I get paid which, inadvertently, is also the day that rent is due. I wonder what the point of having anyone here is when I spend so much money keeping everyone here anyway (or at least I did this month). I think about the project, about our company site, about my job and the way things are so up-in-the-air all the time lately. I think about the silence. The vacation I can't take to see one of my closest friends and my dad and my grandparents. I think about how much exercise I've missed because I don't have the energy to workout as hard as I would like because I don't have the money to buy the food I need because I....

Still nothing. Not one word. Not a text. Nothing at all. I don't understand why I haven't heard anything at all after I've been typing away for hours and scanned like a million forms and had to deal with this annoying conference call. I send a message and I receive a response that they were detained. I don't mind that they were detained. I don't like that it happened because there is work to be done, but that doesn't get to me. What does get to me was that I have had the same conversation all day. Communicate with me please and let me know what's going on or ask me if things are going on. Is there any reason that I did not get a text saying "Oh, I'm not going to be able to make it because [...], but we can [...] instead if that's ok"? I can't think of one, but you know what?

Okay, fine.

Then I ask if they would bring their computer here since I believe it would serve them better as they would not have to contend with another person for net access as they attempt to complete the work that is several hours overdue to which they choose not to respond. I don't know what the reasons were and frustration, then anger started to flow in waves. There are many details that I am omitting because they are sensitive and I was trying not to use unfair means to gain leverage, but this is not ok and needs to not be ignored as an issue, but discussed so that resolution and understanding occur; it's not enough to know what happened and how to fix it if someone's feelings got hurt. However, if you fix the pain, a lot of times, the timeline for fixing things can be negotiated later. I attempt to calm down, but I am both angry and hurt at being so disrespected (that's how I feel as I remember this). I will try not to pass it on in the same way it was given to me. That said, I find myself at a deep loss as to how to form a proper response to this. That is to say, there are ways that I could respond, but I don't feel I are open to me yet; I try to be patient as great patience has been shown to me. I try to be kind as great kindness has been shown to me.

At the same time, I do not wish on any level to have that kindness taken advantage of.

Now I have a text on my phone asking Polli even came by yesterday. How much of this exchange do I communicate? I don't know. I don't even know how to respond. Maybe the day was overwhelming for him and he simply did not want to respond because he was stressed. Maybe he felt backed into a corner with everything. However, I have no way of knowing that because I'm not being communicated with or talked to. I have to fight between two sides now: (1) the friend and (2) the project manager. Each is clear about what they should do right now and I have to keep my balance and remember to remove emotion for all options for response.

This is so tiring.

Maybe, it's just being burned by one person after another only for it to get me nowhere. Where I am, there seems to be nothing but stress and headache and people demanding things of me at all times whether directly or indirectly, without a single sign of any form of appreciation or even understanding of what's going on. My family and they requests for money, some of my friends and their testing of my emotional and mental stamina, varying organizations and their constant requests and fluctuations as I try to process change orders and requests and projects plus...

When I get into modes like this, I suddenly desire great oversimplification of things; I want to drop FB completely and move to Google+, Twitter, and email among other things. I might even drop Google+ and Twitter and just go pure email and text, then drop my phone, too and go pure email. I just get tired of interacting with people and all their nonsense and having to deal with all of my issues, too, and mostly alone.

i hate ... people

...because of this picture, I wanted to say I hate girls, but guys suck just as much. Here's the scenario.

:: THE GUY

Virgin. Desperate for a romantic relationship. Can't think about anything else half the time. I mean the person who longingly sighs at every nearby couple and romantic flick. Barely into his 20s and doesn't listen to good advice about romantic relationships. Typical hopeless romantic.

:: THE GIRL

Not a virgin (and not the point). Very flirty and "out for a good time". Not a long-term relationship type. Likes to drink. Likes to party. Mildly indiscreet under alcoholic influence.

:: THE MEETUP

The story is long, but I'll skip to just these two. They start talking a bit after the girl gets out of a drama-filled-not-quite-a-relationship. He's obviously interested and he gets the courage to ask and she says yes. He couldn't be happier. He disappears -- I call it going into screensaver mode; there's a process going on, but no one can see what it is -- for weeks as they are dating. He does come over... when he's waiting for her to leave work so he can crash at her house.

They have sex; he gives his virginity to her. I imagine he's happy about this. She certainly seemed to enjoy it. Everything is fine. Everything is wonderful. Everything ends a few weeks later. Maybe three. She says she's not the marrying type. She didn't want to hurt him. She knew she wouldn't want to be in a relationship forever. She's doing this for him. She'd rather get this over with sooner than later. He's heartbroken. Very heartbroken.

I look at my roommates, we sadly nod; we warned him not to do this, but he didn't listen. He asks me what he should do. He wants to fight for the relationship. I tell him to see the truth in front of him. He wants to fight for something I believe is impossible; I explain that he wants something that, ultimately, she doesn't want -- a long-term, committed relationship. I explain this to him and quote her texts (yes, I did ask her why she did this). He says that he just wants to hold on a little longer. I tell him this will only hurt him. He doesn't care. He doesn't listen to me or anyone else. He chooses to fight for the relationship. He loses that fight.

Silence. The damage done in the way it was, will not allow them to be friends ever again and I know it. Days later, I notice her posting things about this guy. Not only that, but I see that she's posting a lot about being happy. I don't wish her miserable, but I wish she understood the effect of posting about this seeming unending happiness when there is a person following her that is massively unhappy directly because of her. I say nothing. No need to add more drama.

Fast forward through many silent weeks. Now I read this. This status. I'm dumbfounded. I become angry. You just broke up with a guy that you said:

• is a good person
• kind
• smart
• funny
• treats you well
• has great sex (apparently)

...because you didn't want to be in a long-term relationship and so your solution to this is.... to be in another relationship./?/!

Why do people do this? Why do people go around having sex with people they never intend to love or even see again? Why do people break up with good people that don't hurt them only to get into another relationship? What was wrong with the last one? I want to say this makes me hate girls (and it does), but thinking about it, guys are just as bad as girls are in this. It's not right and the fact that my friend is hurt by this only makes it worse. The fact that this is what he gave his virginity to? Even worse.

That's something that's frustrating: you can't have your virginity back and it's becoming more rare to give it to someone you don't regret giving it to. My friend gave his virginity away for a three week relationship. For the record, that's usually meant for "I'm in this with you for life" types of commitments.

I can't even express the depth of resentment and anger I feel for this. I don't think I can be her friend anymore after this. It would be different if they had a mutual breakup or even if he had done her some kind of wrong (I've been through both cases), but this I cannot do.

weekend and so on...

I took a weekend trip with John, Anna, and Andrea. The experience was quite fun and I got plenty of pictures and posts on twitter and flickr soon to talk about it all. It was a welcome breather from everything.

I got a couple of emails from work that day, one of them from Mer and one from the boss man saying that he'd be in at about 1pm.

Please tell me why he decided to yell at me at 10-something AM today.

Yes, I overslept, but didn't freak out as I would have because, simply put, he had already stated that he planned on being late today.

Okay, fine.

However, as is the usual with him, he realizes that something really important is coming up and when that happens, also as is the usual with him, he panics and yells at everyone which accomplishes nothing except making him look like a jerk.

Whatever. He doesn't care and neither do I. I'll go in, work hard, work late, and go home.

Other than that, is frustration I feel with Phillip. He has all these things he keeps asking me to help him with. The big one being this path of self-realization he's been on a kick about. Okay, so I help him with some exercises to help him see certain things. Then he gets angry and frustrated because he doesn't like what he sees. Then he freely admits things like:

and

... and then asks if I'm free to talk last night. Why would I talk to you if you've already told me that you're not going to listen? I'm more than over that bit of nonsense, thank you. Done with talking to people that consistently don't listen while steadily asking question after question. Really done with that.

Some days, I want to do the right thing, but it seems pointless. Oh well, I'll pack my bags, work out a bit, and catch the bus so I can help boss man with his thing and see what else happens.

[edit]
No he did not just text me while I'm in transit to say "I'll be back in the office after 1PM"! Are you for real, son?! C'mon son!!

A Dark Thought Midday

This week has been rather interesting with three new people visiting: Cory, AJ, and Cameron.

With all of the other interesting bits about them here and there, I find myself entertained this week. James and I are playing a bit of MTG and Rickey and I are talking a lot more often. Sanquan came by and I talked to him a bit before finally drifting off to bed.

Last night and the night before, in a more playful mood, I decided to tickle AJ. The reaction was hilarious. Some time later, he explained that it was a nearly entirely unappreciated action and that he was borderline considering never returning to my home again for that reason. I spent the remainder of my day commenting on me being the supreme evil of the universe.

Now does it bother me that people don't like being tickled? Not at all. People have their things that bother them. What does bother me is:

• extreme reaction 24 hours later

If that is really a reason for you not to return somewhere, then I don't know what to think about that other than being slightly off-put. As I think about this, I think about what I would have lost if he decides never to speak to me again or whatnot. Honestly, not a thing. Not a single thing. After that interaction, I decided to wander upstairs and aggro tweet a bit because a full-blown, "...if that's how you feel, then get out of my house..." would have been inappropriate. Aside from that, if it were something so disliked, this should have been brought up 24 hours previous the first time it happened.

Mind you, I have my wily sides and I occasionally do things that are minorly irritating and if someone doesn't like that particular thing, I don't mind being told "don't do that" in a firm way. What I do not like is going from being told firmly, "I don't appreciate that" to, "I'm not coming back here anymore because..."

There's nothing I dislike more than people trying to hold friendship/romance/connections hostage when trying to encourage or discourage behavior; if you don't want me to do something, then let me know clearly and I won't do it and that's fine, but the whole "If you ____ then I will/won't like/hang out with you" thing? One of the quickest ways to piss me off.

I suppose I'll just leave AJ be and hang out with his friends instead. We'll take a long walk, share jokes and come back from wherever smiling and I'll leave the other one to figure out what's going on because I'll not be explaining anything.

Side note: not swearing is kinda hard when you've been doing so for three years.

after the mountains

The trip home was filled with much laugher and road rage and I felt better. We joked about a lot until we got home where we separated. After John went home, I walked into my room, unfurled, and lie down. Polli was near me and asked my thoughts. I asked him if he wanted to know. After a bit of discussion around this idea, we talked and I didn't seem as stupid as he thought I was at the time.

It was a lot of talking, then hugs. Understanding. A bit of laughter and then he had to depart for the night.

I lay here thinking about what I did this weekend and what I didn't do. I didn't do my Bible reading this weekend. I will simply pick up where I left off tomorrow and be content with that.

Tonight, one of the things Polli and I talked about were screensavers. When a screensaver is running, things are going on, but you can't see them because the screensaver is in your way. A lot of my guy friends are in relationships or are actively trying to form them and when they do, they go into that mode. It's saddening.

It was saddening to think that, as close as Polli and I are (and there are no words for that closeness), that maybe one day, like Brandon, he will not want to be close. It hurts to think that the friends I have now may not be as close next year. They may not be friends at all by then. They may have changed in one way or another so radically, that I can't be a part of their lives anymore. That hurts, but I have to realize that, even if I want you -- all of you -- I can't make you stay. I can't keep you. I have to enjoy you as I have you and when/if the time comes, I must let you go with grace and peace, not causing petty drama because I don't understand why you're going.

When I said this, Polli just hugged me for a while and said nothing. I understand that silence. I want to keep him always, but if I can't, I'll love him while I have him and any of my other friends.

A saddening side note, Quan's gf broke up with him. I don't know why yet. I think I'll find out tomorrow. It's going to be hard on both of them and I don't know what or if there will be anything left of the relationship to pick up. This is one thing he wanted for a long time, and then to have it, plus... well... other things... and suddenly have both of those things removed is going to be more than he'll be able to handle well. This hurt will run deeper than he'll wish it to and he's naturally pessimistic.

*sigh*

My friends have gone through enough hell, I pray God makes me some kind of channel for peace to reach them.