Adrift

I thought about a few things as I watched you sleep.

You know, it really didn't make sense to me and to a degree and it still doesn't in a way, but nevermind that. Stop touching me. Nevermind that, too. I suppose what I do think about most is that you seem to have the hardest time understanding that I'm subject to humanity like everyone else. In spite of my many unusual qualities, I'm subject to the traps and foibles that everyone else is from time to time. It causes odd reactions and, while I have moments I find that amusing, I also find them simultaneously disturbing. I have a hard time understanding what's expected of me and, apparently, whatever that something is will be impossible for me to live up to regularly. In a sense, I'm being set up to fail. That's fine, though. I like challenges.

It still amuses me -- in spite of the accompanying curse -- that people really do not wrap their head around the idea that I am, in fact, a human being. Otherworldly? Probably in many respects, but human nonetheless. Certainly not a god. Definitely not God.

Talking to you the other night was enlightening and... well... needed. You really should be more straight up with your feelings like that more often. It was refreshing. I still don't think you're average. In any case, it was a special time. Maybe you're right. I should be more thoughtful about those to whom I extend my kindness and, by proxy, myself. I should definitely balance the equation. You're also correct in that I'm usually far kinder to most people than they will ever be to me and you may be more right than I want to admit in the idea that people -- a lot of people -- enjoy what I do for them more than they enjoy me and that if I did not do what I do (mostly as a function of who I am), then they wouldn't be around. I've seen enough of that to know it is a fact.

Just how many people are there like that in my life currently? Just reaping the benefits of how me being me benefits them? I've identified more than a few.


You also said that you don't know if it's in me to not care the way I do. You've seen me be caring to everyone. You don't know that I can turn that off. You know what? Maybe I can't turn it off. As much as I would like to do so. Maybe the most I can do is mitigate it or channel it. I can do that. I've done that before. It takes extreme effort and focus and determination and it hurts for a long while after it starts, but I can just turn from someone and that be that from me. I've done it a few times and it's rare that if I ever walk down that path that I turn aside from it. I've ever only turn back for one person and even then...

In the end, it is something that can be done and that's the important thing. If it's something I should do and can do, then I'll do it.

I'm putting some things out of sight for a while and seeing how long I make it. We'll see what happens as a result.

I really should just settle into the fact that, whatever they are, people could give less than two fucks about my feelings or sensitivity to certain things. I also need to learn when not to talk to people. I also need to... In short, I need to retract a bit from some things. A lot of things. That's unfortunate, but that's how it is. You know what the funny thing is? I'll run into a lot of these people I need to retract from a bit today and they'll wonder why I'm acting weird.

Whatever. I'm moving on now. I'll honor my promises and do what I intended out of kindness long ago, but I'm not wasting time.