Stress

This is Monday.
Monday.
I do not need this stress today.

In the last 24 hours, pending the normal sleep issues I had, I've had a full day with dealing with seemingly unending waves of nonsense. I don't know where all of this is coming from, but I'm kinda fed up with it now. I don't even know where to start.

Maybe it was the conference call at 9PM that started as a meeting at the library at 6PM and that the people that called the meeting ended up attending... 30 minutes later that scheduled.

Maybe it was the blowup over a status that I posted which was not related to the person that blew up at me. Are you serious? I wrote a very clear email to which they apologized, but couldn't we have avoided this in the first place by simply asking if the thing I had written was, in fact, referencing whatever they thought it referenced? What is this madness?

Maybe it was the constant editing of this contract all day. I mean, thank God I'm being paid more than I planned, but the site was due to launch today and to that end I have completed my part of the project and have tried to keep everyone on task and motivated as well as I could while making sure to tend to my own tasks in the project.

This particular thing, the project itself wasn't that hard, but getting all the parts in that I wanted was. The site can go live now and should be in full production in 9 days. During that time, I assigned AB and Polli some work. Some of that work is done, part of it is not done. Polli needed help on a part that he was working on which took him a while to finally ask me for help on.

Okay, fine.

I hadn't heard a word from him about where he was or what was going on with what he was doing. Communication is kind of important since we're not in the same place and, of course, deadlines have to be met since we are being paid to do this work. I try to understand that he's not necessarily in the best of working conditions and while I do, I can't imagine how that prevents the use of a mobile phone. Maybe he's busy and he'll get to me when he can.

Okay, fine.

I write him earlier today because today is the day the core of the whole project is due which includes a live site. I explain that communication is necessary, even if he doesn't have anything to report at the moment, because other things are happening that he needs to know about. We exchange a few other items. He explains that he would be over at the house a bit after work and we can work through his questions then.

Okay, fine.

Hours pass. I hear nothing. I see nothing. I look for emails, text messages. I see things that make me smile or over which I become upset, but nothing about anyone coming to my house, on the way to my house, or even not coming for some particular reason. I am still working through something to put on a page for this website I'm making. Finally, I text them to find out they:

1. had been off work for two hours
2. just arrived home
3. were taking a shower and would be over shortly after that

Sigh. Okay, it's not going to leave us a lot of time to work with, but I'll go with it. I'll just stay awake a little later. It's important enough that we get this thing done as soon as possible since it is now overdue, but it's whatever. We can work it in pretty quickly as long as we focus. So I'll wait.

Okay, fine.

Another two hours go by. It is getting late. I should sleep. I am hungry and frustrated that I could not freely order chinese food today since I bought everyone 40 acres and a mule last week.

[pause to call my younger sister as I was reminded via text that today was her birthday and that, although I thought she wasn't feeling well, she was and had commented that 'Marquis hasn't called me to tell me happy birthday..." She seems happy to hear from me and is talking my ear off about everything that's happened in the last week and the latest about the movies she wants to watch and all the other things girls her age like to talk about...]

I am equally frustrated that I have to figure out how to manage having ~$30 until the next time I get paid which, inadvertently, is also the day that rent is due. I wonder what the point of having anyone here is when I spend so much money keeping everyone here anyway (or at least I did this month). I think about the project, about our company site, about my job and the way things are so up-in-the-air all the time lately. I think about the silence. The vacation I can't take to see one of my closest friends and my dad and my grandparents. I think about how much exercise I've missed because I don't have the energy to workout as hard as I would like because I don't have the money to buy the food I need because I....

Still nothing. Not one word. Not a text. Nothing at all. I don't understand why I haven't heard anything at all after I've been typing away for hours and scanned like a million forms and had to deal with this annoying conference call. I send a message and I receive a response that they were detained. I don't mind that they were detained. I don't like that it happened because there is work to be done, but that doesn't get to me. What does get to me was that I have had the same conversation all day. Communicate with me please and let me know what's going on or ask me if things are going on. Is there any reason that I did not get a text saying "Oh, I'm not going to be able to make it because [...], but we can [...] instead if that's ok"? I can't think of one, but you know what?

Okay, fine.

Then I ask if they would bring their computer here since I believe it would serve them better as they would not have to contend with another person for net access as they attempt to complete the work that is several hours overdue to which they choose not to respond. I don't know what the reasons were and frustration, then anger started to flow in waves. There are many details that I am omitting because they are sensitive and I was trying not to use unfair means to gain leverage, but this is not ok and needs to not be ignored as an issue, but discussed so that resolution and understanding occur; it's not enough to know what happened and how to fix it if someone's feelings got hurt. However, if you fix the pain, a lot of times, the timeline for fixing things can be negotiated later. I attempt to calm down, but I am both angry and hurt at being so disrespected (that's how I feel as I remember this). I will try not to pass it on in the same way it was given to me. That said, I find myself at a deep loss as to how to form a proper response to this. That is to say, there are ways that I could respond, but I don't feel I are open to me yet; I try to be patient as great patience has been shown to me. I try to be kind as great kindness has been shown to me.

At the same time, I do not wish on any level to have that kindness taken advantage of.

Now I have a text on my phone asking Polli even came by yesterday. How much of this exchange do I communicate? I don't know. I don't even know how to respond. Maybe the day was overwhelming for him and he simply did not want to respond because he was stressed. Maybe he felt backed into a corner with everything. However, I have no way of knowing that because I'm not being communicated with or talked to. I have to fight between two sides now: (1) the friend and (2) the project manager. Each is clear about what they should do right now and I have to keep my balance and remember to remove emotion for all options for response.

This is so tiring.

Maybe, it's just being burned by one person after another only for it to get me nowhere. Where I am, there seems to be nothing but stress and headache and people demanding things of me at all times whether directly or indirectly, without a single sign of any form of appreciation or even understanding of what's going on. My family and they requests for money, some of my friends and their testing of my emotional and mental stamina, varying organizations and their constant requests and fluctuations as I try to process change orders and requests and projects plus...

When I get into modes like this, I suddenly desire great oversimplification of things; I want to drop FB completely and move to Google+, Twitter, and email among other things. I might even drop Google+ and Twitter and just go pure email and text, then drop my phone, too and go pure email. I just get tired of interacting with people and all their nonsense and having to deal with all of my issues, too, and mostly alone.