Denoument

DENOUEMENT

1. the final outcome of the main dramatic complication in a literary work 
2. the outcome of a complex sequence of events

If you remember an earlier entry, I mentioned that this song is some of the most heart-breaking stuff to listen to. In this song, the relationship between these two people is fanned into flame. In the video above, it is dismantled in about a third of that time.

I look around at what's going on and I feel a certain sense of this happening. Everyone is moving out now and that's just that. I had a couple of people tell me they wanted to move in, so new roommates pending. That's cool.

I've undone so much between Morgan and myself (James and I are fine) in the process and he's only getting the tip of the iceberg in this:

• I've added all of our shows to watch to a solo queue. I will have to watch them on my own and share them with twitter, I suppose.
• I've removed or had him remove me from a lot of platforms we use to connect.
• I'm forgetting the bench and the hideout.

It's a long list, but it's just a bunch of emotion and small details that make our friendship what it is. 

We finally did get to have that talk. I was going to do it over whiskey shots, but didn't. We just talked. It was a good sign. I suggested he was hurting me out of ignorance. He took exception to being seen as ignorant until I explained everything. 

After that, he cried.

He was at a loss for how to even apologize. I told him not to. I don't want him to apologize; I want him to make better choices. I told him exactly this. I told him that being a slave to his habits would be his undoing. We spoke at length. He still wants us to be close friends. He wants his "name" back. He wants us to get better.

I don't want to make it impossible for him, but I can't make this easy; he did a lot of breaking and now he needs to make amends for what he's done and I can't do that for him. If he wants this relationship to work, he'll have to make the effort now. He wears a bracelet that reminded/reminds him that, even when he was the worst to me, I was always there for him no matter what and he shat on it.

Hell, he asked me why I waited for him to tell me he wanted to talk. After masking a great deal of offense, I said, "Well, I would, but when I do, you tell me I'm taking too much time or being too emotional or being too complicated for your liking. It's hard to speak to someone when they seem put out by the very idea." He started to protest but realized that's how he'd been treating me. He tried to get defensive by asking why I bothered talking to him if he was such a shitty person. I told him, I'm not calling him a villain or a demon; I only intend to tell him what has happened.

Tears.

Because I told him the truth.

Because he had to admit that he had nothing but bs excuses for treating me as he did.

Because I demanded meaning for all of that from him. 

As I explained things, I continued to muse aloud:

• Maybe I was just here to keep you stable between girlfriends.
• Maybe I was here to teach you a few lessons in how to really love someone.
• Maybe I was only to get you to this point in your life and nothing more.

When he protested this because it was too much like not being close friends for life, I simply said:

"Fine. Tell me why I went through this. Give it meaning and purpose..."

The tears started here as he realized he had hurt me and had no idea why.


And now we're at today. I'm planning for a life without him. Why? Because he wants good, but not enough to do it. Not enough to work for it unless there is a great deal of fear or it's something he really wants. I explained this. I told him that he can't help it; it's not that he doesn't want to be friends or close friends, but that he doesn't want that enough. That he doesn't need me when he already has everything he wants in Rachel. That probably upset him, but that's the reality he's left us in.


So now, denouement after we've spoken. I just watch and see what he does and how. I do the same with James. It's all winding down. I don't think people know how good I am at guessing what's going to happen to them and planning either in advance or on the spot....

The goodbye hurts (and this is probably a goodbye), but I look forward to where I can go and what I can do now and that is always a good thing to look forward.