Humanity

It's been a pretty crazy couple of days in a good way.

I went to go see Reza and bought two new tank tops from Aero on the way. It was a good day there. We took a walk and caught up on a few things along with Brett. This ended up being funny for a lot of reasons. I took a couple of pictures on the iPhone. Polli commented that he'd put on some muscle (he did). His family was ecstatic to see me. We watched Ever After, then Avengers and ate Iranian food. During all of this, I thought about other things during the day. I thought about his mom's recounting of some paper I helped her to do a while back and how that kindness still shines in her memory as significant. It was so small to me that I didn't think she'd continue to remember, but it seems she did. She told the whole story with a smile.

Later, we visited with some of his family who came to celebrate Ramin's graduation from high school. We had strange-tasting ice cream (it was made with rosewater and saffron) and jello (which I hate because of texture). Wasn't all that bad, actually.

I came home and stayed awake till sunrise watching anime with Randy and slept until the following afternoon. I awoke and waited for training time at 5. After training, I logged, then did varying things before watching more anime with Phillip and Randy for a few hours. I didn't notice that Arima had tried to text me about a party for Stephanie the day before (all the texts had the wrong time on them). It was unfortunate, but blah. I stayed up late that night, too.

I woke up around noon today and ended up seeing Avengers with Phillip and Laquita. We were 20 minutes late getting there, but they enjoyed the movie thoroughly. After that, we all came back home where I am thinking exercise and laundry would be fantastic, so I will get to work on those things...

...but that will be later.

For now, I'm trying to sort my thoughts. More like sorting my feelings. On things. On people. It's just the peaks and valleys, I suppose, but there are those feelings and people you never forget about (and you usually don't want to). It's things like ocean and water quotes. It's funny; I wonder who remembers that or if it matters sometimes. I would never take those moments back for anything, but it is a sad thing when I spend these moments wondering if my heart is the only one that remembers. When we  share our hearts and lives, we want those moments we shared to be remembered and passionately guarded from fading, but we can never be sure that they are by anyone other than ourselves.

On the other hand, here's a written record: I will always remember. A year from now, ten years from now. If you called upon me, I would still be here to call on if you needed me. You and only you will know the depth of what that means. It's only slightly "unfair" and even that is in quotes because I shouldn't expect there to be a return. Even if there is, I shouldn't expect it; it should be freely given, right? Right; all things good are freely given. I mean, I'm not perfect. Just... just try to remember how you feel right now. Keep this in your mind. That's what you said then and I have kept my promise in that.

I also think about things like people I try to contact. You know, some of these contacts just aren't good for me on any level and others of them are meaningless. I think a lot of it falls into the last category. People I've been discarded by without any reason I am able to discern. I suppose I could say I've been burned more than once in that respect, but I've never been one to fear the fire. Even so, on a logical level, there's just no sense in persistence for these types of relationships; if someone doesn't care about you, then they don't. It's like my attempt at maintaining a friendship with Ian. I have to stop expecting or even wanting people to care more than they do or are willing to. My ideas on people, on humanity, on so many things are taking a sharp downturn, but it's all part of the process of trying not to expect more. I am hopeful to a fault. I really am. I look at people and see not just who they are, but what they could become. I need to remove that last thing on so many levels because it is doing neither me nor anyone else any good.

I'll continue these thoughts later and I'm sure they will come back in force, like every other cycle and/or tide, but for now, this is enough. I must move on and, more importantly, clear out a few things. Namely, contact lists.