Reconciled

So tonight, I reached out. I sat down and decided that we weren't going to pretend to be okay until we were actually okay...

...and he respected that request. Polli made time to sit down and talk to me about everything. I mean everything. It was wonderful. I explained the pain and the hurt I had felt in the last month and where it came from in full. He didn't interrupt. He didn't make it seem like I was crazy. He really did his best to understand and it came through.

We felt deeply together. He apologized and we were reconciled to each other moment by moment, detail by detail, and wound by wound. I don't know where we will go, but I know that, from here, it's up to us. I've made my feelings clear about everything and I think he understands enough to make good decisions.

What happened? Well, without getting in too deeply, recently he's found a girl he likes. I mean really really likes; he actually said I'm in love with her today. What hurt among other things is that we've spent no time together since they've met; it's just been days of him texting her or playing on the computer.

This wouldn't hurt so much except for the fact that we were inseparable only the day before all of this went down. After that, all of the time he would have spent with me went to her. Not in a subtle way. Not in a "I'm going to start spending more time here, but I'm always going to be here, too..." I mean no time at all. For weeks. It hurt to have a friend I was so close to be only two feet away from me (we share a room) and not speak one single word for weeks just because he likes a girl. This wouldn't be good at all. After our talk he said he would have felt shitty if I had done similar things to him.

I explained the process of having to learn to do things and be happy without him because he wouldn't make any room for me in his life. We spoke at length about this and, looking at his eyes, I could see his understood how I felt and why. It made sense even if it hurt to admit he had been that horrible to anyone (and there's no other way to describe that); mind you, he's no devil nor is he a villain. He was just insensitive. I can understand why – I looked at this situation from his point of view on my own time for hours – but it didn't make the hurt one bit less while it lasted.

But now, there's a balm. I'm glad we talked. I listened to a song for the first time in a month that I haven't been able to for being at odds with him. It felt good to be reconnected. I felt normal again... or a little closer to it. I have my friend back and that feels good.

Unwriteable

I've been writing since 5th grade, but for some reason, when it comes to you, I don't know what happens. There is always a break down whenever anything written passes from you to me. A note, a text, anything I write to you. I suppose that, following that line, this is going to go terribly wrong, but I'm not worried about that right now.

It just sucks that I can't seem to put anything in a text format without it being misunderstood, misread, misinterpreted, mis-any-other-word. I don't know what to do. I called the other day, but you didn't pick up and I couldn't leave a message.

It's so... irritating. We've known each other for so long and yet at every turn in which written words -- digital or otherwise -- appear: misunderstanding. Constant like the rise of the sun and the ebb of the tide. I wish I could make myself understood whenever I deign to attempt saying more than "yes" or "no" or typing a location like "downtown", "home" or "work".

What would it take? How long before things I write and clearly understood in the way I want them to be? I might as well be waiting for an Amtrak train to pass by my house...

At least, that's how I feel when I feel so hopelessly inept in communicating with you effectively in my writing. It's not that I can't write or communicate a point; I made A's in English most of my life. I just can't make my written words work with you. At all. Where am I failing? God only knows.

As for me, I'm completely clueless.

Relief

You have no idea how different, not to mention amazing and other things like that, it feels to just rest in your love and know that it is just there. No striving, just being and freeflowing through it all. Living on an assumption, sure, but the assumption that you meant what you said and that that love I felt will be there an hour, day, week or month or year or decade or millenia from now.

Thank you, God, for so glorious and simple a lesson.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear because fear involves torment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. 

A Smile for the Sunset

In the green of the summer and the hues of the sunset, I see the life of your hear and I'm happy I met you. I love you more than I have words to express and yet I continue to try. Hopefully this is okay.

Everything about me likes you. Thinking about you makes me smile. It's even affected my shopping choices as of late as I think about how nice I will look in the thing I bought and then you'll think "He really looks nice". Sometimes, it's so silly, but I love the thought of it.

I get sad some days. Some nights I lie awake. Each of those moments having thoughts of your being/not being here as a characteristic.

I enjoy you.

It's like I was telling someone today, it's not even about something in particular you do as much as me drinking in the flavor of who you are. I don't know if it is sweeter that I like the taste or that you offered me a sip and continue to.

I wonder what you like about me. I wake up, thinking about the beauty in the form our friendship takes and I wonder what could have ever made you choose me. I'm unsure. I wonder if it's real at all. I ponder it all from every conceivable angle. Your thoughts seem to be without logic...

...and suddenly, it's enough for now that you do and that I, in turn, enjoy you just as much.

Some days, I wonder how you feel even though you've told it to me countless times in myriad ways before. I listen to the echoes of the last thing you said and I believe them, but I still want to hear you whisper them to me one more time.

I look for your letters and messages and emails and such every day and it is my joy to read them. It makes noonday light out of a midnight day every now and then. You're so understanding of so many things I feel. I don't think you know me as well I would like you to yet, but even in your ignorance about the details, you understand me on the whole and so completely and you're accepting of everything you find. I can't tell you what that means to me.

Even at the age of 29.

I really did mean what I said about you. The numbers are important and you have one now. Guard it well. I will never disrespect what it means, but I have thought about it ;).

In the end, there is you and the color of your heartbeat and the part of my life's song that you've become and I'm glad for it.

As You Are There

I sit here and I wonder how I was ever this blessed. How do things like this happen to me?

It was so simple how all of this started. I remember that day. You were just sitting over there and I noticed you. I mean, I noticed. It wasn't something you said or something you did. It was just who you were. I saw an unexplored depth. I connected right then and there. We had to be friends. We just had to. I left the room after speaking a few words, but they were more than enough.

After that day, I thought about you a lot. I wondered what you thought about things. I wondered what our first conversation would be like. Maybe casual. Maybe serious. Maybe both. Who knew?

Then we started to talk. And talk. And talk. The more we talked, the closer we became. Line after line. Concept after concept. It wasn't even the words we chose.... or maybe it was. There are those people -- those friends and lovers -- that, when you read their words, your heart beats a little faster. Sadness is a little more sad. Happiness is a little more happy. You were easily one of these and it made my head spin thinking of how quickly a bond like that could be formed. It still does and I smile when I think about it.

We stood in the middle of a crossroads in life, pointed to the signs that led us to this spot, then chose to walk away from that spot together. I knew, but I didn't know it would be like this. I knew you would be here. It's something I called being "knit-together"; I believe God makes souls that are uniquely shaped to fit together with ours as friends, lovers and family.

Some of these people you meet at varying points in life and no matter how long you may have lived without them before, you wonder how you ever did and suddenly you can't think of a day without them being there. You don't know how you survive without them.

Yes, it sounds obsessive.
No, I don't care.

I feel this way about my closest friends and I always have and there will never be a time where I do not feel that way about them and I don't care to hide that feeling. Not now. Not later. Not ever. When I close my eyes and I think about you, I feel you right next to me and for a few moments, I feel bigger than the body I'm in and the planet I'm on.

I hold you in my arms for just a moment and I listen to your breathing and your heartbeat and we're connected for just a moment -- spirit to spirit, soul to soul. Then I let go and I'm left smiling, yet sad. It was only a vision -- you are not here. You are there where you are living where you live and I pray that wherever that is that you are happy there. I go through so many emotions. I want to get in my car and drive and hug you and not care that I'm interrupting your job or your church service or your mid-afternoon nap. I want to hug you and I don't want to let go. I see the gift I've been given and I am sharply aware that I don't have enough life to appreciate it properly, but I want to give it all I can...

...then I think that it may be too much for you.

I've been down that road. I've bared all of my deepest emotions and have people straight up walk out of my life just after the words, "I love you and I'll always be here for whatever" escaped their lips. I've been hurt deeper and more often over that one thing than any in my life and just when I want to hide and never show myself again, I see or think about you and it's worth trying again...

And again...
And again...

I'm honestly trying not to cry, but I want to and this is a really emotional entry and that's fine. I think the things we love should move us that much at minimum. You make me want to roar like a lion, lie down like a sheep, be loyal like a faithful dog, defend fiercely, love fearlessly and learn to love even better just so I can give you the fruit of that learning process every day.

All of this is what I think about when I wake up in a fit of insomnia and I suddenly wish for you to be here for even one moment. To talk or laugh or cry or nothing at all other than just be here with me. I can live without you being here. I could live without you at all, but in my heart, I don't want to have to even breathe without you and sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming to take in when I say it all like this, so I hope that the next time when I hug you a little tighter or hold on a little longer or when I stall just a little more when we part ways that you understand that I'm just a kid trying to slow down time for just one more second to love you with.

And when I put my hand on your shoulder and sometimes even fight just to not out and out kiss you on the forehead, I get the idea from your slight, nearly imperceptible smile and occasionally lingering eye contact, that you do.

Happy Right Now

I want to thank all of you that have guided me through the chills, thrills, and mostly spills that have been my last few weeks. For those that haven't been following, let's just say it's been rough.

Today is a cloudy day out. Very drab, very gray. With my grey hoodie and black pants, I almost appear to have dressed just for that, but a funny feeling crept on me today when I walked in to the office. Even with the drift, even with the other things I feel off-center and upset about, I am happy right now. This week has had a couple of good happenings.

• larger paycheck than usual
• new (PC) laptop to work on
• talking to Polli about stuff
• finished The Lone Drow so I can finally start on another book
• rent paid with utils to follow
• all of you

Thank you for the encouraging comments, tweets, facebook messages, prayers and texts. I really did appreciate all of them. I have a life with some amazing people in it. I did things a little differently this week and I think it's good that I did. 

• I made a passing comment about some things I felt this week and I think I might have been heard. We'll see what happens.
• I was going to skip a weekend with a friend and just do another solo weekend, then said, "eff that, I'm going..." and told them to meet me at 6:30 this evening. We're just going to watch anime and chill and that's fine, but it's different and where I'm going, the people really want me to be there and have spared no enthusiasm in expressing that fact. I needed that from people nearby, but with that said, I would like to say this: Miranda Kuykendall is epic. Always there, always listening, always praying. Friends like her, Christa, and a few others are without price.
• I let Polli hug me. I haven't even wanted to be touched this week, so hugs were difficult, but I'm glad that I did. I needed it and he's persistent in love when he expresses it (now if we could up the frequency, that would be perfect #zero).
• I talked to a few old friends (Greg, Lance Poston) and I made a new one (Stefan). So far, I'm enjoying the talking. I'm moving out of the cave again, but a little slower. Not because I'm afraid, but because I have the time. I've been thinking about my level of response to just things in general and not all of those things need a response as quickly as I give it. Some parts of life and relationship are best handled a little slower; time reveals a lot of things.
• I bought a PC. I know: sacrilege. However, considering the pricing point (which wasn't a big factor from what I found out later) and what I need it for (development, programming, content work) a PC is a better choice as it takes fewer specifics and most things auto-install. Since I'm getting more into software and app development, it makes sense. I miss a lot of things about my MBP (Macbook Pro), but I don't think this was a bad choice and so far, I'm enjoying this new laptop a lot. This is probably the happiest moment I had this week.

So there it is: I'm happy. I don't know what's coming after and I don't care about before; I'm happy now and I'm going to ride it for all it's worth.

*checks texts*

More love... this is going to be a good day.

Things I Protect

There's one thing I have that I protect: my _____.

I'm sure you expected me to say something like: my "heart" because that's what most people commonly go to great length to protect. They'll cut off friends and family and drink alcohol and have meaningless, empty sex just to avoid giving their heart to anyone...

...but me? I have something I guard and keep locked up more than aught else: my spiritual life.

Yeah, you've seen it.

Yes, you've even experienced it.

Those moments where I seem to know just what to say? That fountain of wisdom I seem to have a nearly inexhaustible supply of? The odd moments where I just seem to know things with no discernible reason?

Yep, all that and more is a functioning of things I protect and keep very tight-lipped about.

I don't really give it to anyone. I don't really allow many (if any) to share that part of my life and I can't even share everything about it. It's hard to even discuss... well, in words anyway. As you remember from an earlier entry, I learned to be afraid to share things that are truly precious to me.

That isn't to say I won't. That is to say, however, that it is few and far between and after a lot of testing that I am willing to open up about that. I can count on both hands the people that I feel I could share all of it with. The earlier parts some people were there to experience during my college years, but they don't know what drives it. It's actually all written down in a large notebook that I keep in a closet.

In that book is every single time that someone has given or passed a message to me that was prophetic. Those were said to me by different people in different places. Some I knew. Some I'd never met and have never seen or heard from again. All of them were accurate and timely and I have kept them all to remind myself of who I am when the time came that I'd ever need to revisit and remember.

It's in my closet right now. Those moments that those words came from were indescribable. It's tied to the reason my friend Miranda calls me a catalyst. There's something unusual about.... Well, something else I'll hush up about right now... See what I mean?

The thing is, I want to have people come along on this journey. I'm starting to feel like I've gone through everything I've been through and have taken terribly dark (to me) turns in life just to pick up a few people and now I'm being moved. I don't know what will happen to my relationships with people I've met in that time except for exactly one; that one will come along with me. The others may forget, may be mad, I may meet them again more fully alive and they might be critical of it because "they'll remember when..." and I have to make my peace with that.

At the same time, there's that inner part of me that, once diminished, is starting to demand more and more time and breathing space. In short: it wants to me to be fully alive...

...I think I'm okay with this, although I'm unsure of the path it will take.

the rest of the week..

Well, since my last blog entry was on the 23rd, the last few days were action-packed and a bit... charged.

I went out with Polli that night to Applebee's as I had planned to take him out for his b'day. I was very much... out of sorts, but I tried to make it work. We got in the car and drove away and getting there, we were soon seated.

Every song that came on for the whole time was a romantic song about boyfriends and girlfriends. If you knew how the two of us are together, you would know why we spent the whole time laughing. It was insane. I mean every single song was a romantic something or other. It was hilarious.

I felt better by the time I arrived home and he went home for the night.

The next day, there was work and roommates. I took Quan and Rickey to Panera Bread since they hadn't been before and I got a turkey and artichoke sandwich (it was yummy, so hush!). After that, I drove around the long way and came home.

That night, I went with Polli, Drake, and Jacbar to see The Green Lantern at Beechwood. I will kick myself forever for paying full price instead of going for matinee and I bought a smoothie that was utterly gross (and it was strawberry so double boo). On the other hand, I got to talk to Polli throughout the movie and, comic geeks that we are, it made the whole night a lot better. I happened to see David and Willie on the way out of the movie theater. Muted, mixed emotions at best. I don't understand how these people work at all and I'm fine not knowing. It's just annoying knowing what could have been at times.

As we left the movie theater, Polli ran to a shopping cart standing alone and jump-kicked it. It was hilarious in that WTF-ish kind of way. Drake was tired and Jacbar probably could have hung in that moment forever with all of us, but we went home and went to sleep.

Saturday, I was up at about 7AM waiting for 11AM-noon to show up. In an earlier entry, I noted that Noah's mom died and the funeral was Saturday. I had the whole day clear of any kind of activity. I told him that, if he weren't feeling up to picking me up that day, he could just tell me where everything would be happening and I could drive there. I told him to text me when he was near.

Nothing happened. I spent the entire today home until very late that evening. I played video games with James and chatted with people online and read a book for a while. Not one word. Not one text. Nothing.

Later that night, Savannah and Quan came over. Rickey was emo and that pissed James off. I just wanted some peace, so I asked everyone to quiet down a bit. Phillip sent me many texts with his wonderings about this thing and that. The guy has a lot of questions, but I'm proud of him. He's starting to ask better questions at least.

We took a group trip to Applebee's, had a bit to eat and drink with everyone. We saw Jess who we knew and talked to her a bit. I got the same server from Thursday night and he remembered me. That was nice. Jess entertained herself by throwing paper balls at me for the night (very entertaining ^^). I couldn't find my bank card to pay for my food, but luckily I had enough money on hand to handle the bill and a small tip, so I left that at the table and decided to look for the card the next day. I took a longish drive and came back home, just enjoying the moment we were in. After chatting for a bit, I went to my room, started my sleeping playlist, and fell asleep after doing some reading for the day.

I missed Polli that day.

The next day, I spent another quiet morning awake early. After a few hours of this, I popped down the hall. Rickey was already gone for the day at work. James wanted to clean, so we cleaned, then sat down to play games and read. I played FF7 for a few and got the Odin materia, then went upstairs to take a nap. I woke up in enough time to get ice cream, but didn't. I exercised instead, waited for Phillip to arrive since he wanted to talk, and headed to the airport to pick up the boss man.

The trip there was picturesque. The trip home was hilarious as Ale filled me in on his trip to Cali and all of the things that happened there. He enjoyed the mini-vacation after the convention he went to very much to say the least. When we got back to Athens, he wanted to get a beer, so I went with him. I don't like beer, so I got a ginger-vodka and he got a vodka-tonic. Phillip got PBR. We enjoyed and laughed and thought the place was so crowded. Blue laws are hilarious.

After that I took Ale to his apartment and took his car back home (it was only one drink, I seem to have a high tolerance for someone that doesn't drink much). After arriving home, I talked to Phillip for a bit, talked to James a little, then went to bed.

Today, I woke up several times and then decided that I just didn't want to get out of bed. Ale wouldn't be at work till 10 anyway. When I woke up at 9:20, I thought maybe I should get going, but didn't actually leave until like 9:40-something. About that time, I wanted a McGriddle. After thinking through several work ethic-related items, I opted to just be late and get the McGriddle and some OJ, then drive to work, park the car, and head into the office. No one was there so I ate my stuff, then got a text. He went to the cafe, so I met him there, and tooled around a bit. After I got some coffee and cookies and had a good convo or two, I headed back to the office where I am now.

When I got here, I got a message on twitter from Noah. Read from bottom to top:

I don't understand this. I really don't and it bothers me. I don't even know how to respond. I'm not mad, I'm hurt. Why, in the moment that you need a friend most, would you not communicate with them or let them be there. I guess it's easier to hide than just let yourself be loved, but it's not something I have to like.

Now I have articles to right and hangout dates to keep and so on, so I supposed I'll get back to that for now. Hopefully I'll keep up with my must-do list a bit better this week.

otherworldly

Today is one of those days that I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that amidst so many other things including - and especially - my own vices, that this is not my home planet.

The wording is weird, but you feel it too. This nagging feeling in the back of your head that you're not from here. You see the interactions of people around you and listen to their words and see how they go about living their lives and all you can think is, "I don't belong here" "I'm not made for this" "When do I get to go home?"

This is where tonight finds me. I'm starting to think that loneliness and "groaning inwardly" aren't so different. I feel lonely because I'm alone. I am alone, not because there is no one around but because there's no one like me around.

There are posers, of course. There always are. People that feel spiritually connected. People who are philosophical. People that feel they have a special empathy or connection or understand of other people, but in the end, they all seem to fall short of being a "suitable helper". A comrade in arms. Someone that gets me and rides my waves and [insert other descriptors here].

I have a few satellites; distant stars that I connect to and it's because of the light from those stars that reach me not and then that keep me from believing that my life here is doomed to complete loneliness. In those people, the sun shines through so strongly that my only desire is to take them into myself so I don't have to be alone.

This may seem a bit odd, but maybe you know how I feel. If you don't, it's fine.

I don't expect you to.

Then again, if you are reading this blog, you might know better than anyone and for that I give you my deepest apologies. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, but since you bear it, know that I bear it with you.

unspeakable

Yesterday was a mostly good day. I came to work and had my different projects to work on and such. We talked about vacations and conferences and all of this other stuff.

Middle of the day, Alessio leaves to do stuff and Meredith starts talking to me about all the things she's dealing with and on top of that -- as if to add insult to injury -- my bitch-ass CEO is a sexist prick. Dealing with him puts her under so much stress it is unreal. In the midst of explaining everything, I asked her why she didn't just quit this job. After she answered, she simply shut her computer off and walked out of the office for the day.

I just sat here in the office, silent, absorbing it all. This is the one time I have ever hated working for this company. As I've stated before (and if I find the entry, I'll link you), this woman has looked out for me and done so much that I can't even adequately thank her for and yet she is treated like this. It took a lot for me not to quit my job. My friend told me not to let it get too much to me, but if this was a battle I needed to fight, then he would be right there with me.

I thought about it all the way home. Do I want to keep working here seeing that? I can't un-see it. I can't pretend it's not a problem. Alessio came back. I packed up at 5 and went home. I told him I was leaving. He said I sounded sad and asked if I was upset. I said, "No, I'm just tired." Yeah, I lied. I just couldn't tell him what I was really thinking at the time and moreover I needed more time to think myself.

I got home, walked around the apartment, talked to Polli for a bit about the situation and tried to leave it be for a while. I washed the dishes and Holli came over to play with the kids and all of the craziness of the day was soon forgotten for a while. It was nice and I took (and received pictures).

John and Josh wanted to hang out today. I wonder how that will go...

I'm still thinking about Brandon. I hope he's being strong where he is. Polli doesn't understand why Brandon sees me as a bad influence in his life. I don't either, but he is doing what his faith asks of him and I explained that it's not something that I have to understand... and I don't. Some parts of faith are beyond logical comprehension. "Le coeur a raisons que raison ne sait pas" I believe is the phrase.

I chilled with Polli and talked. He spent the night over. Ricky came back to the house and told us about his night out and so many other things and we all laughed and youtubed and listened to music.

Small minimalism bit, tho: I took a lot of clothes and coats out of my closet. I gave anything I had two of to Polli and gave Rickey a bunch of t-shirts as well and a belt. Why? I don't need it and I don't wear it really, so why have it? I feel better already as I was scrounging for momentum in the first place. It felt good to feel like I was moving. In that process, I found out Polli wants to go shopping with me.

Yes, please and thank you.

That night, because I wasn't bored, I left my laptop on the desk...

...and now, having prepped for the movers, I will go get coffee.

last night

I had plenty to think about, take in, and consider. Talked to Polli about a few things. He decided to take the time to read through this blog from the beginning and he's hit an interesting patch where we had a very rough time. We talked through some of them. Some of the things we laughed at, some of them we noted with a sigh. Ultimately, we smiled at each other and were glad that time passed and we were able to come together.

We played cards and talked about things like zen habits, our exercise regimens, the progress of our aspirations... you know, the kinds of things you should talk about with all of your friends. Especially the last one. I vented some, he vented some, we laughed about those things. Even with, and maybe because of all of the things we've been through, I love him more now.

We might as well be married.

So many things we joked about, I can't remember them all. We listened to a clip from a podcast I'm in. After that, Quan popped in. We played MTG, got food, played more MTG, laughed some, played silly sound clips. Alia and Rickey arrived. Quan and Rickey went to the club while we chilled out and talked. It was a very interesting and enlightening atmosphere. We talked about things around dating, sex, relationships, games, laughter, people and perspectives and friendship. I think I had the better time of anyone at any club anywhere.

We fell asleep on each other after several hours of LittleBigPlanet and passed the night that way on the couch... well, Morgan and I did. Alia went home (and got there safely and had an amazing time). It felt good to just be that relaxed with people I liked. I've been so frustrated this week. People and their things getting on my nerves so often, work-related stress complete with nightmares, trying to get my thoughts together for what will happen in the next few months, not getting enough sleep most days, losing friends in some cases and forcefully ejecting them in others... and finally a respite of several hours.

Morgan and I woke up around the same time today and he had to go to work while I had to run to FedEx for some work stuff. We gave each other a big, long hug before parting ways. Mary Beth came in a moment later. I had to laugh. I ran upstairs, gathered some things, took a shower, and got dressed while she played with my kittens and took pictures.

We finally got our errands out of the way and talked a while about some things. She doesn't play video games, though. :( We had fun anyway. :) She went back home to see Winnifred (her dog) and I went upstairs to chill. I was glad I could make her day. She seems to be used to people cancelling plans at random and with little or no notice. Boo on people. Why do they have to suck so much anyway? (~_~#)

[Insert rant here]

Other than that, I'm thinking about grabbing some flowers for my mom and a scented candle. It isn't much, but my mom likes simple things for one, and she loves flowers and scented candles. You'd be surprised how little you have to get someone if you pay attention to the little things and see through to what they really love. I'll try to get out there tomorrow, otherwise, I'll just make a day trip out of it and walk up to her job later that evening.

Other than this, things are ok. I could complain, but I guess I should just enjoy the ride. Job security is in the air, but there's three months' padding before it blows up, so I have time to look for other work if things don't pick up. I'm salaried, so I'm not worried about that right now. I love working with the people I've worked with there, and I'll stay with them until the end if I can. We had to fire someone last week. That sucked. I did not, on any level, enjoy it. The reason we let them go wasn't even their fault from my point of view, but I don't have the final say-so in things like that.

Living in this world isn't easy and even less so when you don't have the authority to change the flow of things. I'll be praying that God lets me do the best I can do for this company and that He makes my efforts blossom somehow. I'm thankful for the time He gave me in this job to prove myself and clear my name before things go too far one way or another. Hopefully I'm being noticed somewhere that people will see and take note and maybe scoop me up.

I'm listening to music by candlelight. James is playing games downstairs. I guess this is an okay gig. I'm talking to someone on FB right now about some faith-related things. Interesting stuff.

i miss you

Today I wrote this:

I think that sometimes ppl say "I love you" when what they mean is something like "I want to love you" or "I'm willing to try loving you" or "I think loving you would be a good idea". I think these ppl should realize that when it comes to love (or even like) of any kind, intent is not enough; there comes a time when love must be *done*.

That is rather painfully true to me right now. The situation sounds all too familiar: it started with a message on FB chat from Morgan. Here's that conversation (italic is me):

sup?
hi.
Que[sic] up Blood+?
about to queue up one piece actually.
can i please point out that i live down the hall.
oh
yes, you can
*avoids sarcastic remark and speaks his feelings in a direct manner*
i would appreciate it greatly if you would simply talk to me.

I cannot fathom this. We have been friends (I'm sure in his mind we are for sure) for the better part of two years and in that time he can't find it within himself to simply come down the hall -- a total of less than 15 steps -- to tell me that he wants to watch something with me. I already had a friend over at the time that wanted to watch something else and we had already agreed to this before the conversation happened. Here's how that went:

if you would like, you can join us for one piece.
wouldn't want jump in the middle, fan of pooh logic...
i see. as you wish.

Thanks to my innate ability to understand the bigger part of metaphor and "hidden sayings", I can follow what he means. Simply put: I would prefer to watch this from the beginning rather than start watching midstream. I cannot fathom why this would matter, but it is his choice not to be involved. If it were me, I would have watched; the point is spending time with the one I care about, not watching the actual show. In any case, the rest of the night passed as I watched with Phillip. James came home. We talked. I went to sleep, then work, then returned home.

When I returned home from work, I had important news to share with everyone at the house, so I asked what days they had off so I could talk about everything at once. To sum up, I am moving away because of my job sooner than anticipated and I do not wish to leave everyone behind in chaos. There are things that need to be discussed. Moving on, I was going to use FB chat, but thought the better of it and simply walked down the hall to talk. Baranda opened the door, Morgan ran away (to his credit, he was not properly dressed). He came the hall a short while later, but said nothing, then walked away. After a few hours, he popped on FB chat and started to chat away. Here's that convo:

I miss you
Why?
we almost never hang out, I can sense so much of your life going on around me, and I wish I was more participatory in it... partly it's that we still don't try enough, party it's life I guess... but I miss being involved... (I guess your question was also more about what exactly brought this on, or what made me say it, after having been feeling it for a bit: that would be reading through your newest note...)
what about the note made you feel like that? more than that, did you miss the wall post asking who wanted to come when I was going? and finally (this is semi-important): why can't you ever say these things when I am actually in front of you? you were actually in the room with me and didn't say this. why? why didn't you just come and watch cartoons with me last night?
you haven't looked through my tattoo sketches. if you had, you would know that one of them is about you.
until I read the note, I didn't know there were sketches to look at... ~uh, pooh logic... ~ yep, did miss that post. ~ just everything that was there and how little I knew about any of it... and stuff... ~
it's not something I have to chat about as opposed to talking to you about, but, no I didn't really feel it appropriate earlier, gary was there, and being quite energetic and sharing things and being in a very good mood... it seemed like what I had to say wouldn't started a conversation or set of actions that would've been a bit more in depth than where we were and also a bit of a mood changer...
there were sketches before the note -- pooh logic doesn't matter. i walked into legend of the seeker mid-episode. i would think that the person you want to spend time with doing x y or z would matter more than what ep the show was on. we can watch the show from the beginning middle end or even backwards for all i care. it's just a cartoon.
(I usually prefer to have those kinds of talks alone or with a bit of privacy, and you had company...)
and if you wanted to talk, it only takes a word. a sentence. anything like "hey, let me talk to you for a moment". how hard is it to imagine that i would stop what i was doing and talk, chat, laugh, cry, whatever. now. later.
to say the least, feeling that i need to remind you of these things is mildly exasperating.
:(
why this? > :( if it were me, my next move would be "ok., well.... can we talk then? i really want to and need to talk to you about x y or z or whatever."

oh, well I could do that... the sad face was 'cause I was thinkin' tom was today and you'd be workin' while I was off...

workin where? i have every weekend off. i have for the last 7.5 months now.

(to expound a bit, : you having to remind me about bits of/the nuances of our relationship, as well as your reactions to having to do so usually saddens me...)
in any case, my reactions stem from the question of "why do i have to remind you? why don't you *know* this already?"
I realize that...
but my reactions saddens you nonetheless. let me ask this: do you, at the very least, understand?
understand why you react that way? of course...
brb
ok
um
hi
hi
sounds like you're having fun...
I work tom nite
(1) you should learn to listen. (2) gary is saying funny things and is being intentional about trying to have fun and is [apparently] determined to bring me into that.
(3) if you work tomorrow nite and don't talk to me during the day, that doesn't help things. #imjustsayin

I think my feelings are obvious. He doesn't have the mind that I have. In my mind, everything is under review. He seems to forget the past easily. He was sitting downstairs watching "Legend of the Seeker". I wanted to spend time with him mid-episode, so I came downstairs, sat on the couch and watched two episodes with him. When I see him in the hall, I hug him. I sit on the stairs and talk to him before he goes to work now and then. I read his page. I check his pictures. I send him an occasional message. I walk into his room when he's doing laundry and talk to him for a while and ask him how his life is. If he would simply do the same thing, he wouldn't miss me even half as much. The thing that bothers me the most is that he says he cares and in all honesty, he doesn't in a way that can even remotely be considered practical or concrete. Love doesn't run away....

By the way, today, he went to work and came home early. He's here, I'm here. Not a word. Probably not until tomorrow. Then who knows?

It's just like another situation from earlier today. A friend and I were at walmart. He got a text message from someone who hasn't made even one attempt to contact me in any way in a year and a half and this person told him to tell me "Hi". Whatever for? It's not like I'm hard to find or even find out about.

~_~

There is a part of me that wants to reconnect. There's another that is like "Forget you...". That last part is winning right now.

Finally, Levone is upset with me (and is being passive-aggressive about it) because I haven't called in two days. Two days. In that time, he's been busy with things at the hospital and I with my own life. Mind you, the whole time, I've been texting and checking up on him and all this... Sigh. Convo here:

What you doin

Eatin ice cream

O

u?

nothing. just layin down

Good. U resting is good. Makes me feel bettr.

Why is that and we have not been talkin on the phone. Why?

Bc I like knowing ur ok.

so the reason we have not been talking on the phone is because u want to make sure im okay

No. I haven't said anything about that. The fone thing... I don't know. We just haven't. We can later if u want. Didn't think u cared.

oh okay well beens u think i dont care... i wont

ok tough guy. have u rested?

yeah

Good. If ur up, i'll call u later.

i'll be up but don't worry about ever callin me

I'm not worried but I will call later. If i've made u upset I apologize.

No its all good. Later.

Later.

[pic of smiling face with middle finger extended]

Seriously, y r u upset with me.

Its all good.

It's things like this I don't understand. What does friendship actually mean? I don't know sometimes...

Then again, it's not all bad. Reza and I wrote back and forth a little last night and that did my heart good. I'm thankful for that kind of love in that much abundance in my life. It's a shame there aren't more people like that.

whispers on the wind

It culminated in a whispered I miss you toward the end of the conversation.

More of the conversation was just me listening to him talk about all the things that were wrong. I saw it in his eyes. He just asked about a phone, but I let him keep talking. He has a lot of questions and has a long way to go to get the answers he seeks.

I can only speak for myself and within myself, I am still there for him, the other star, but I cannot be around the people he's attached to. I love him. I've never stopped. I always will.

However, I have no need to love people that don't love me anymore. Not as much. If people put in the effort to really love me and demonstrate my love, I will give that relationship my full energy and love and everything else. Everything else can go.

For now, I am content to be the force -- around, ambient, existing in peripheral. To make me more concrete than that will take much work. I've found my people to love, as for the people that have held and lost, we will see if I can be recaptured.

another scene...

I looked into your eyes as we prepared to part ways. I reached out for you and you came to me. Cradling your face in my hand, I continue to lose myself in your gentle gaze returning yours returning mine. Finally, your eyes close as you relax into the moment. There is nothing here but the breath between us. We continue to breathe silently and slowly...

... and then we embrace. We feel everything and we share everything. There is no feeling to be felt -- we have become one with them. Not observers that notice, but active participants that are, for a moment, unfolding flowers and budding works of art...

... I love you.

another scene...

You were on the edge of your bed as I walked into your room, making your way into consciousness. I lingered at the doorway for a moment, smiling, before I came to your side and ran my hands through your hair. Climbing past you, I made myself comfortable on your bed. You turned toward me and we talked about many things.

Things that made us happy to remember...

Things we would rather forget...

I rested my back on a wall behind me and left my legs spread open slightly. I placed a pillow in that space and you reclined into me. Again, my hands ran through your hair. I looked down at you and you looked up at me and we were content. I laid back on some pillows behind me and we continued to converse. Minutes and then hours slipped by unnoticed. Text messages and a couple of phone calls went by ignored. You continued to listen as I explained many things I felt and then you explained your thoughts in turn. Some moments passed by in peaceful silence.

Suddenly, something unexpected -- you turned over. I smiled wondering what would have made you do that. You laid on the pillow and I ran my hands through your hair for a couple of strokes. We continued to pass time like this for what seems like eternities... blissful, quickly-passing eternities. It was easily one of the most beautiful moments a human experiences...

... and easily the most tragic.

A bit later, after you returned home and I returned from my outings for the day, we reconvened and repeated this process also using blankets as the cool of the night descended on us. You couldn't sleep, but you needed to. We lay down to talk in the same way we were lying when we were together earlier. I lay down and so did you, making yourself comfortable and passing into sleep. I watched you for a while then also passed into sleep as well.

It was like watching sand run through an hourglass. The most beautiful sand man has ever known...