i miss you

Today I wrote this:

I think that sometimes ppl say "I love you" when what they mean is something like "I want to love you" or "I'm willing to try loving you" or "I think loving you would be a good idea". I think these ppl should realize that when it comes to love (or even like) of any kind, intent is not enough; there comes a time when love must be *done*.

That is rather painfully true to me right now. The situation sounds all too familiar: it started with a message on FB chat from Morgan. Here's that conversation (italic is me):

sup?
hi.
Que[sic] up Blood+?
about to queue up one piece actually.
can i please point out that i live down the hall.
oh
yes, you can
*avoids sarcastic remark and speaks his feelings in a direct manner*
i would appreciate it greatly if you would simply talk to me.

I cannot fathom this. We have been friends (I'm sure in his mind we are for sure) for the better part of two years and in that time he can't find it within himself to simply come down the hall -- a total of less than 15 steps -- to tell me that he wants to watch something with me. I already had a friend over at the time that wanted to watch something else and we had already agreed to this before the conversation happened. Here's how that went:

if you would like, you can join us for one piece.
wouldn't want jump in the middle, fan of pooh logic...
i see. as you wish.

Thanks to my innate ability to understand the bigger part of metaphor and "hidden sayings", I can follow what he means. Simply put: I would prefer to watch this from the beginning rather than start watching midstream. I cannot fathom why this would matter, but it is his choice not to be involved. If it were me, I would have watched; the point is spending time with the one I care about, not watching the actual show. In any case, the rest of the night passed as I watched with Phillip. James came home. We talked. I went to sleep, then work, then returned home.

When I returned home from work, I had important news to share with everyone at the house, so I asked what days they had off so I could talk about everything at once. To sum up, I am moving away because of my job sooner than anticipated and I do not wish to leave everyone behind in chaos. There are things that need to be discussed. Moving on, I was going to use FB chat, but thought the better of it and simply walked down the hall to talk. Baranda opened the door, Morgan ran away (to his credit, he was not properly dressed). He came the hall a short while later, but said nothing, then walked away. After a few hours, he popped on FB chat and started to chat away. Here's that convo:

I miss you
Why?
we almost never hang out, I can sense so much of your life going on around me, and I wish I was more participatory in it... partly it's that we still don't try enough, party it's life I guess... but I miss being involved... (I guess your question was also more about what exactly brought this on, or what made me say it, after having been feeling it for a bit: that would be reading through your newest note...)
what about the note made you feel like that? more than that, did you miss the wall post asking who wanted to come when I was going? and finally (this is semi-important): why can't you ever say these things when I am actually in front of you? you were actually in the room with me and didn't say this. why? why didn't you just come and watch cartoons with me last night?
you haven't looked through my tattoo sketches. if you had, you would know that one of them is about you.
until I read the note, I didn't know there were sketches to look at... ~uh, pooh logic... ~ yep, did miss that post. ~ just everything that was there and how little I knew about any of it... and stuff... ~
it's not something I have to chat about as opposed to talking to you about, but, no I didn't really feel it appropriate earlier, gary was there, and being quite energetic and sharing things and being in a very good mood... it seemed like what I had to say wouldn't started a conversation or set of actions that would've been a bit more in depth than where we were and also a bit of a mood changer...
there were sketches before the note -- pooh logic doesn't matter. i walked into legend of the seeker mid-episode. i would think that the person you want to spend time with doing x y or z would matter more than what ep the show was on. we can watch the show from the beginning middle end or even backwards for all i care. it's just a cartoon.
(I usually prefer to have those kinds of talks alone or with a bit of privacy, and you had company...)
and if you wanted to talk, it only takes a word. a sentence. anything like "hey, let me talk to you for a moment". how hard is it to imagine that i would stop what i was doing and talk, chat, laugh, cry, whatever. now. later.
to say the least, feeling that i need to remind you of these things is mildly exasperating.
:(
why this? > :( if it were me, my next move would be "ok., well.... can we talk then? i really want to and need to talk to you about x y or z or whatever."

oh, well I could do that... the sad face was 'cause I was thinkin' tom was today and you'd be workin' while I was off...

workin where? i have every weekend off. i have for the last 7.5 months now.

(to expound a bit, : you having to remind me about bits of/the nuances of our relationship, as well as your reactions to having to do so usually saddens me...)
in any case, my reactions stem from the question of "why do i have to remind you? why don't you *know* this already?"
I realize that...
but my reactions saddens you nonetheless. let me ask this: do you, at the very least, understand?
understand why you react that way? of course...
brb
ok
um
hi
hi
sounds like you're having fun...
I work tom nite
(1) you should learn to listen. (2) gary is saying funny things and is being intentional about trying to have fun and is [apparently] determined to bring me into that.
(3) if you work tomorrow nite and don't talk to me during the day, that doesn't help things. #imjustsayin

I think my feelings are obvious. He doesn't have the mind that I have. In my mind, everything is under review. He seems to forget the past easily. He was sitting downstairs watching "Legend of the Seeker". I wanted to spend time with him mid-episode, so I came downstairs, sat on the couch and watched two episodes with him. When I see him in the hall, I hug him. I sit on the stairs and talk to him before he goes to work now and then. I read his page. I check his pictures. I send him an occasional message. I walk into his room when he's doing laundry and talk to him for a while and ask him how his life is. If he would simply do the same thing, he wouldn't miss me even half as much. The thing that bothers me the most is that he says he cares and in all honesty, he doesn't in a way that can even remotely be considered practical or concrete. Love doesn't run away....

By the way, today, he went to work and came home early. He's here, I'm here. Not a word. Probably not until tomorrow. Then who knows?

It's just like another situation from earlier today. A friend and I were at walmart. He got a text message from someone who hasn't made even one attempt to contact me in any way in a year and a half and this person told him to tell me "Hi". Whatever for? It's not like I'm hard to find or even find out about.

~_~

There is a part of me that wants to reconnect. There's another that is like "Forget you...". That last part is winning right now.

Finally, Levone is upset with me (and is being passive-aggressive about it) because I haven't called in two days. Two days. In that time, he's been busy with things at the hospital and I with my own life. Mind you, the whole time, I've been texting and checking up on him and all this... Sigh. Convo here:

What you doin

Eatin ice cream

O

u?

nothing. just layin down

Good. U resting is good. Makes me feel bettr.

Why is that and we have not been talkin on the phone. Why?

Bc I like knowing ur ok.

so the reason we have not been talking on the phone is because u want to make sure im okay

No. I haven't said anything about that. The fone thing... I don't know. We just haven't. We can later if u want. Didn't think u cared.

oh okay well beens u think i dont care... i wont

ok tough guy. have u rested?

yeah

Good. If ur up, i'll call u later.

i'll be up but don't worry about ever callin me

I'm not worried but I will call later. If i've made u upset I apologize.

No its all good. Later.

Later.

[pic of smiling face with middle finger extended]

Seriously, y r u upset with me.

Its all good.

It's things like this I don't understand. What does friendship actually mean? I don't know sometimes...

Then again, it's not all bad. Reza and I wrote back and forth a little last night and that did my heart good. I'm thankful for that kind of love in that much abundance in my life. It's a shame there aren't more people like that.