Conqueror of New York

It started yesterday at 10:40am.

Things went well and I caught all of my buses without incident... until I was in New York. There was a 2:15 layover, so I waited.

Without hearing an announcement, the bus was gone. The next one wouldn't be there until 1:30pm. Mind you, those two hours were spent without signal so I decided to tour the building for a while to move and keep myself hard to recognize.

I went upstairs to see what was there and, after a moment, I got messages as I had signal.

Phone calls and texts poured in. My uncle suggested I take the train to Parsons Blvd. he would text directions later. I get no signal on trains, so I read signs and maps and made my best guesses.

I arrived only a block away from where my uncle suggested since I read maps well. After that, rather than catch the bus immediately, I walked for a couple of miles. The weather is very mild. Not the biting cold I expected and no snow. The weather also held up so there was no rain.

I am now at my grandmother's house and thinking many things. Things like, "if you don't protect yourself, no one will. You must protect yourself."

It's disheartening and encouraging all at once. If I ever doubted my instinct to survive, I can definitely stop now.

Need to figure out what to do with these feelings.

On the other hand, I managed to use the train and bus in New York. Didn't do that when I lived here. I'm beastly.

Go, Joe, Ohio

I recruited Joe to come with me on a road trip to Ohio for work. He was super quiet on the way up, but Meredith talked enough for both of us and I laughed a lot.

The hotel was cool, the event was a hot mess. Seriously. I was there for 9 hours and we spent 30 minutes of that time talking to anyone even remotely important. That's just nuts on so many levels. We got to see a plane land.

We dropped Meredith off at the airport and Joe and I talked everything, anything and nothing. In that time, I opened up to him in a way that has been very hard as of late. I went from height to depth in mood and thought. We got to a point in sharing where we didn't even need to speak to share. Have you ever had someone touch your hand or your shoulder and you knew there were right there with you, feeling how you felt?

Yeah.
That.

I'm glad he came. I don't even know what to make of how quickly and deeply the friendship has grown in so short a time, but it feels good and I want to keep that around. I can't think of enough good things to say about him. We have a lot in common and I think I may have found someone to share all of these other passions I don't get to fully express with others. I talked with him about feelings I haven't revisited in years. We were able to sit in the same car and cry with each other and there was no shame. In male relationships, this is so rare and precious and depressingly uncommon....

I'm so past words right now. I'm glad we talked. I'm glad we're talking. I'm blessed that I've met him and his wife Heather and his kid Izaac.

some sum-ups

Friday, after the last entry I wrote, Hollie came by. It seems that I (and everyone else) was told at the last minute that we were going to Logan's.

Okay, fine. Sure.

I ignored any desire to flip a middle finger to the world and rode out with Hollie who caught me up on the details. Essentially her friend, Lyn, and Polli were going on a date, but were really nervous and thought a group setting would help.

Well, that and a bit of alcohol. I really wanted food to go with mine, but I didn't get a menu. Oh well. I kept convo flowing and light and soon everyone was talking and laughing. Mostly laughing. Polli wasted no time in explaining that I would be driving. Mind you, I hadn't eaten anything that day really, so I just had alcohol in my system. That made me a bit stumbly, but I managed to successfully get to the car and drive to Wendy's for double stacks.

After that, the group re-assembled at my house to play through Little Big Planet. Very frustrating, but very fun.

After that, we all went to get smoothies and let the two little birds talk a bit. It was cute. Not having heard anything for a while and conjecturing naughty things, we tried to round them up around 11:45 or so. Polli spent the night with me and wondered where his wallet was. It was a good night.

I slept, then woke up, then woke up, then woke up and stayed awake.

I hate insomnia.

I started the bathroom cleaning ritual and soon finished, then moved on to buy some things from Wal-Mart before working on the litterboxes since James had asked me to buy litter while I was out.

The start of the process was simple enough: empty out bad litter. Done with ease. It was the next step that posed a threat to my life (I am not exaggerating).

I took some dishwashing soap and started to pour in some bleach while wondering if ammonia was an acid or a base.

It's an acid, by the way.

I saw the bleach turn white and thought this could be bad. Then there was a strong smell. I immediately opened a window and got the fuck out of my kitchen for a minute. I came back and poured the danger down the drain and flushed it down with a lot of water. Then I waited some more (again, not in the kitchen).

This time, I tried just dish detergent and a brillo pad. Worked wonders. After getting all of the previous crud out, I applied bleach to finish up. After this, I cleaned up other things in the kitchen as Polli helped pack dishes (thank you, by the way) so we could spend more time hanging out instead of me being Mary Poppins.

I felt lightheaded, so I looked up some info about Bleach and ammonia since, apparently, there's enough of it in old pee to react with Bleach. I found out a few things:

• it's dangerous as hell. don't mix them.
• they used it in WW1 to kill people since it makes chloromide gas. it blinds and suffocates people. kills pretty quick, too. holy shit.
• if you come in contact with it, get the fuck out and call poison control.

So I called them upstairs and out of earshot so if it were bad, Polli wouldn't panic... immediately at least. Mild case. Just drink lots of fluids and get lots of air. I was doing surprising well and was clear and coherent. If I felt worse, call them back later. Lightheadedness was normal, but I wasn't in any danger at all.

After that, I thought about the cleaning and the dishes and having to hide them and sock in the middle of the floor and trash that had to go out and all I could think was "Exactly how big is the gap between, 'I want/need to be in a clean house because living with messy people made me so mad....' and actually cleaning the freakin dishes and not leaving stuff all over the house?! WTF?!!"

I came downstairs, grabbed a gatorade and walked out to the back porch. Polli came out later and we talked a bit and he told me not to die on him. Hahaha.

Bitch.

After he left, I went upstairs and took a nap. I felt better afterward. Got another gatorade, did some things online, sent a couple of txts and took another nap. Got some Sunny D. John came over, but I was so not trying to move for a while. I did eventually when Rickey came home and we took him along for the rest of the night.

Got Jesse, saw a bird and a sugar glider, talked to John's parents and went to Ru-San's. Dudes were crazy and the sushi rolls I ate had some weird sauce on them I didn't have before. I don't know if I like the taste or not.

When we came home, after a bit of deliberation, we watched Chocolate. Movie was freakin' awesome. Female Tony Jaa plus autism for the win! After that I sat on the couch for a bit, then walked up to bed where Rickey then asks, "Can you lock the front door?"

"Potentially..." was the reply he got.

Yes, I locked the front door, but a surge of irritation ran through me. I can't get you to wash dishes regularly (thank you for washing them after I bugged you about it on Thursday), or pick up your socks or just be neat in general but you're going to ask me to do something you could do on your way upstairs since you will have to come up after me anyway?

Sure. That makes perfect sense...

Nimrod...

Insomnia hit about 4:30am and I haven't been to sleep since, so I'm reading a book. Blah.

we fight for love

In my last entry, I wrote about things that make love hard for me on the level that I wish, but I fight for it because of all of you. People that aren't reading, people that have yet to read, people that read and people that never will.

For all of you that make my life wonderful. For all of you that don't always get me or even reach me in spite of our best efforts. For all of that and for all of you, when I wake up in the morning, I just try again. I fight my urges to close up and bottle up and hide who I am in spite of that very person being judged whenever he dares to venture out into daylight.

I continue to let you draw nearer, closer, and deeper in the hope that one of you will pick up on it and understand and that, for one moment, I will have that kind of relationship that I ache for. In those moments, for the split second or seconds or days or months that it happens, I am the happiest person on earth. I'm looking for those moments. I'm looking and I'm looking hard among all of you that have, thus far, decided to stick around.

I love you. All of you. And now I am going to be more open to being more of me so you can love me back.

freedom for tears

I was talking to a newer friend of mine and we got into similarities between the two of us (many to say the least). One of the ones we got into were emotional expressions. I talked about a particular spot in my heart that few people ever get to. It is carefully guarded and so good is the job I have done so far of guarding it that most people don't even know it is there and should they discover it, it is so discouraging a process to get to that space that it is never given full effort.

That was the desired result, so I have no complaints there... until now.

What is different between now and then was being able to talk through the process of what I called "this space" in my heart. It is a space where who I am emotionally flows without reservation. That part of me has been damaged and battered and bruised so many times that I kind of just said, "Well fuck having people here. They obviously don't want to be here..."

It started in fifth grade: I took a piece of construction paper and 5-10 sheets of print paper and made a book out of it to write things that I didn't feel like telling people. I just wanted to remember things that happened at a particular moment in time. I was a lot more emotional then and on top of it I was a 10-year-old. When I would become upset about things involving my friends or other things about the world I didn't get, I was told that it was girly to be so emotional and I should stop doing it. Since I couldn't do that, at the age of 10, I decided I would just make a space for those feelings somewhere else. My mom found that first book and got upset with a lot of things I wrote, but I craved that freedom to express my feelings, so I made another one.

And another one....

And another one....

Fast forwarding a few years, I made friends and became a rather fun person to be around. The popularity continued to grow, but it was hard to know who I could or couldn't trust with my feelings. You never could be sure that the person you told something today wouldn't ridicule or harshly judge you tomorrow, so I continued to stick with what I could be sure of until about 2001.

In 2001, a semester or so into my college experience, I discovered livejournal. Creating an account there, I started posting things. My friends that also had accounts there could read, comment in supportive ways or just know what was going on, and things continued along. This was good for a while, but I started to ache in my heart for more; I wanted a person with whom I could share my good, my bad, and my in between and still be myself. No need to explain, preface, or water-down how I thought and felt.

Around that time, between starting college and livejournal, I met this Jesus guy. Praying was so freeing then because I could just talk and I felt understood and --- even above that --- accepted. This was everything I wanted... until I wanted something else. Let's be clear, Jesus is all that we could ever need -- God in the flesh and then some -- but there is more to be had. Even at the beginning of time, man had God to start with and God was like "Hmm... This isn't working. I'm going to make someone for him." Look:

18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

- Genesis 2:18-22

See what I mean? It wasn't enough for man to have God or even a purpose. He needs relationships with people like himself, too. No, I don't think this is just about a man and a woman in a romantic relationship, but about relationships in general. I was lacking the closeness in human interaction that I had with my journal. I wanted to be known and to be understood by people that cared about me and this was something I didn't have.

My attempts to find that were very hit and miss for a long time all the way throughout college. I was always honest with people and I was a relatively popular person; mind you, I won no contests, but I was pretty well-liked by everyone that knew about me. Years after I have left and even now, I am remembered fondly by many and I am usually introduced to others with glowing remarks.

At the same time, I felt that no one knew me. I swallowed up so many emotions just to shield others from them. I was honest about how I felt, but I didn't allow myself to feel what I felt. I was angry, but hid anger from everyone; I was hurt, but covered my wounds even though they were nearly fatal...

...maybe this is how a certain someone feels...

At one point, though, I was able to be all of my emotional self with a few people. It was during my early college years. They understood that I was emotional and intensely so and they understood. What they didn't understand, they accepted. This was so meaningful to me, that I can still clearly recall all of their names -- first and last -- with hardly a thought and for that time when I was able to just be myself without thought or consideration, I will be eternally thankful.

Unfortunately, that isn't the happy ending. I had to move on into a world where people were not that understanding. Back to the books and the blogs and the shielding people from myself. That persisted for many years with hit and miss attempts at being all of myself until about two years ago.

During that time, I met Morgan where I worked. He and I started to talk a bit and get to know each other and a very strong base for friendship came out of that. In time, we got together with Gary and moved into an apartment together. It was a good time where we all got to know each other pretty well. During that time, Morgan and I talked about varying things and one of those things was my emotional state. He said I kept too many things inside, so using most of what I wrote here, I explained myself. I explained that, in the end, when I allow my feelings to flow in full, people run away because it is just too much for them to deal with and that I would rather feel isolated than to have people run away from me all the time.

At that time, I was kind of wanting to shut myself off from the world as I do from time to time because of varying things. He told me at that time that I could tell him anything. I started to protest, but ended up asking if he was sure that he wanted this. He said he did and I believed him, so I started the next day with just talking through varying life events. Some of them were people I missed, lesson learned, and the like. Other things were a bit more painful and during those moments, I cried. No hesitation, no pre-thought. I honestly think that some of those tears were during out of sheer relief.

I cried almost everyday for the first week or two then every few days or so after that. It tapered off and while I wasn't constantly teary, I was a bit more... lively. Sun was warmer, grass was greener, that sort of thing. I shared a lot during that time. When I finally got through all of the pain, there was a lot of happiness to be found. A lot of love...

It felt like being back in that time in 2001.

That's what I thought. The truth came out a few months and several complications later. The truth was that I was more emotional than he was prepared for at that time and he didn't handle seeing me in tears well and in fact he would rather have had me not cry so much and my being so emotional was a bit more than he was used to. Add a girlfriend that didn't understand the closeness of the relationship to the mix and you have a fairly stressful situation. Everything up to this point I would have understood if he had been willing to tell me as I had told him so many times before to -- I always did say, if you want out of this, let me know. I can't keep you here and I won't if it makes you uncomfortable.

Instead, I found out from a mutual friend who took me on a drive of two hours through a nearby small town that all of these things were true. Everyone was too "scared" to tell me.

I've never understood that. I get that people don't want to hurt people, but don't you think it would be best that, if you are going to hurt someone anyway, that you do the least hurtful thing of the options you have? It seems people are more concerned with not feeling like a bad person than actually not being a bad person.

Anyway, I became hurt, then angry. I had given expression and access to things I hadn't let someone come near in years and my return on that was the same as the first things that had driven me to journal in the first place; in the end, people couldn't endure it and they ran away then shouted "TONE THAT DOWN!!!" from afar.

In the end, I had to pull myself together, but it was too hard for me at that time to just put everything back the way it was. I had given much and much had to be taken back in. In my usual fashion, I did the one thing I knew I could. I made a resolve and around that resolve I made rules for how my emotions would re-channel themselves and forced all of my current feelings into it. I decided that I would not feel pain from this and that I wouldn't allow myself to be open to pain from anyone again. Not for a while.

The first week was hard, but after that, there was a near-total implosion of my emotions. On the outside, I probably felt like ice to the touch. On the inside, I barely felt alive. Whenever Morgan showed up, there was something that IMO was a bit beyond hatred or even bitterness for what happened for a while. That subsided over time, too, but it didn't turn into apathy the way my other emotions toward things did. It became... something I don't have a word for. It was bad, though.

This continued for several months. It was like being another person. In some ways, I was. It took months -- several of them -- for he or anyone else to reach me. When he finally did, there was still residue from closing everything up before. At least he came to me in some effort to be reconciled. It was hard to open myself again for a while. Walls had to be deconstructed, but I wasn't sure about destroying them. I had to rebuild the person I was again; open myself to feeling varying emotions I had cut myself off from for several months. Every now and again, the reactions I had from that time would flare up and I had to find creative ways to squash them. It took a lot of prayer, good friends, introspection and some old fashioned "just dust yourself off" to get things going again.

Since then, things are close and such, but not quite the same. I'm a lot more contained as far as emotional expressions go and I may always be with him. I believe it is best since that is all he can handle and I couldn't bear to put myself out there like that again and have the same thing occur. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is retarded.

Why does this matter? Why have you been reading all of this? Well, it's a part of my process of introspection. I don't want to close myself off from everything, so occasionally I open up a window to my insides like this and I let you see what I'm not saying.

Aside from this it was something that talking to my friend sparked in me. I felt his pain as he had been through a similar experience. I understood where he was coming from. Namely, that feeling that he would never find someone to understand him and STAY once they finally did. I thought about him and others feeling that pain and it hurt something so deep inside that I had to cry.

He and I, emotionally, are very similar and have similar backgrounds, experiences, and reactions. It is uncanny and very cool. That said, as we talked about this, after much struggle, I told him about everything I just talked about. During that, time, I cried for the first time in a very long time. I cried because of good things and bad things and things I remembered and I felt no fear in doing so.

That last thing was the part that brought me to tears quickest. I wanted that for him, too. I had no reason to fear saying things. I didn't have to screen myself. No editing. No explanation. No apprehension that this person couldn't process or wouldn't understand. I gave him the same invitation into the same space and he accepted. He noted things right away. I didn't smile. I didn't laugh. I was a lot more somber. Lost in my own thoughts. He saw it and accepted it all even though he didn't completely understand. He jumped into it aware of everything.

I thought about the amount of people that I can be my full emotional self with sans thought. Few. Scarily few. I don't even have family members in this space. I mean, so many of you have said "you can tell me anything" and maybe I can, but that hasn't sunk in yet. Everyone around me expects strength from me -- my job, my family, my friends. It is part of the reason that my heart breaks for church leaders; I know how they feel. Sometimes I want to be around someone I can feel free to fall apart in front of and know that when I fall apart and I'm a mess of incoherent words and a runny nose and all kinds of incomprehensible emotions that they will still be there even more committed to the friendship than before.

I've always heard that I should be the friend I wish to have, so no matter what people say -- whether I agree or disagree -- if I sense a good person and worthwhile friendship there, I will endure anything (other than neglect and abuse) and answer the 3AM phone calls (most of the time. The 3PM or 7PM ones are a different matter lol) and all of those things. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have that friend or friends that I don't have to screen myself to be around.

I am not always happy. I do not always smile. I am not always nice. Those are things that I do often and most of the time those things are easy to do and be, but some days I am mean and angry and want to tell people where they can go and how to get there if you take my meaning and this SHOCKS people. It's like Kercell says (paraphrase): I'm not an a*hole, but I can be an ass from time to time and I need that right to just tell people off instead of just swallowing up how I feel when it isn't happy and sunshine-y all the time.

I need to not have to be a superhero in order to have friends (and before you protest, think about the concept). I realize I'm unique on many levels, but that doesn't make me less human..

...and I'm not. I'm only a man that wants to be understood and accepted as he is without having to change drastically (or at all for that matter unless it is inherently unhealthy) in order to be unconditionally loved. However, because that is not yet the case, I have this spot inside where very few people are allowed to remain (altho a few of you do venture from time to time) where I keep all of my innermost feelings on lock. Everything I don't say, or can't say, or don't talk about because in spite of your words, I can just read you and see that you don't want to be bothered (some of you I read, but I decide to let you in just to show you that you don't mean what you say)... all of this becomes it's own heart space that I only let you guys even see a sliver of when I post things on FB that get like 27 comments or get like 20 text messages.

The fact is that while it is a moment for you, this is an awareness that I keep mostly secret every minute of every day.

However, maybe with that exchange and a few tears and maybe this post, my world in all of its facets will expand a little more. It's not for the faint of heart, but it is open to everyone that puts in the work to earn it...

Then again, it's probably safer and easier to just leave things the way they are and not complicate them.

loss and goodbyes

My mind has been a wreck all day. I was so unmotivated that I remained in bed until almost 5pm today (when I did get out of it, however, I lifted weights and such. Felt good, btw). I haven't felt this bad since college...

There's so much going through my mind. James is so insistent on moving things downstairs. Part of me is sad, part of me doesn't care. I'm glad he wants to expand, but I don't want to leave my room.

At all.

Ever.

Too many fights, too much drama, I'm just done with everywhere else in the house.

Then I thought about Rickey for a while. He was posting some things on Quan's wall today that made me think. They've had a lot of history together. Lots of time spent and things shared and now fitness and martial arts goals in common. This is great. I'm happy about that. I was part of that progress, now I'm not. I'm sad about that. Crazily so. Mostly because of how quickly everything fell apart and without a single, solitary word on the matter.

It just happened.

A lot of things are just happening these days. Rickey and I are supposed to hang out Tuesday. Probably around lunch time, but that is between the workout times of 8-9 AM or 6-9 PM. I won't be there for any of those. I don't know where they are, who they include, how progress is going. It hurts to even think about. It was a very important part of a strong relationship and that doesn't exist anymore. I don't even know how to say I feel about it except to say I am miserable.

We were so close for so long and then it just disappeared. Part of it was my fault -- I picked the wrong day to miss practice. Maybe it was just a bad week, my tendency to overbook myself or lack of attention to detail, but I've lost an amazing opportunity and it seems that I'll never have that again.

Aside from this, I'm really thinking about saying goodbyes. More than a few. To more than a few people. I'm moving and moving on and I guess the drifting away from everyone that I feel is for the best. Maybe I should just tell them all that I am moving, we'll keep in touch, blah blah blah and just walk away and let that be the end of everything.

My friend says he misses the part of me that made the best of everything, but I don't even know where to find hope in this. I don't know that anyone would. I just see things happening around me that I don't even want to take in because I'm sure it would crush me underneath...

I would cry right now if I weren't so soul-tired.

i miss you

Today I wrote this:

I think that sometimes ppl say "I love you" when what they mean is something like "I want to love you" or "I'm willing to try loving you" or "I think loving you would be a good idea". I think these ppl should realize that when it comes to love (or even like) of any kind, intent is not enough; there comes a time when love must be *done*.

That is rather painfully true to me right now. The situation sounds all too familiar: it started with a message on FB chat from Morgan. Here's that conversation (italic is me):

sup?
hi.
Que[sic] up Blood+?
about to queue up one piece actually.
can i please point out that i live down the hall.
oh
yes, you can
*avoids sarcastic remark and speaks his feelings in a direct manner*
i would appreciate it greatly if you would simply talk to me.

I cannot fathom this. We have been friends (I'm sure in his mind we are for sure) for the better part of two years and in that time he can't find it within himself to simply come down the hall -- a total of less than 15 steps -- to tell me that he wants to watch something with me. I already had a friend over at the time that wanted to watch something else and we had already agreed to this before the conversation happened. Here's how that went:

if you would like, you can join us for one piece.
wouldn't want jump in the middle, fan of pooh logic...
i see. as you wish.

Thanks to my innate ability to understand the bigger part of metaphor and "hidden sayings", I can follow what he means. Simply put: I would prefer to watch this from the beginning rather than start watching midstream. I cannot fathom why this would matter, but it is his choice not to be involved. If it were me, I would have watched; the point is spending time with the one I care about, not watching the actual show. In any case, the rest of the night passed as I watched with Phillip. James came home. We talked. I went to sleep, then work, then returned home.

When I returned home from work, I had important news to share with everyone at the house, so I asked what days they had off so I could talk about everything at once. To sum up, I am moving away because of my job sooner than anticipated and I do not wish to leave everyone behind in chaos. There are things that need to be discussed. Moving on, I was going to use FB chat, but thought the better of it and simply walked down the hall to talk. Baranda opened the door, Morgan ran away (to his credit, he was not properly dressed). He came the hall a short while later, but said nothing, then walked away. After a few hours, he popped on FB chat and started to chat away. Here's that convo:

I miss you
Why?
we almost never hang out, I can sense so much of your life going on around me, and I wish I was more participatory in it... partly it's that we still don't try enough, party it's life I guess... but I miss being involved... (I guess your question was also more about what exactly brought this on, or what made me say it, after having been feeling it for a bit: that would be reading through your newest note...)
what about the note made you feel like that? more than that, did you miss the wall post asking who wanted to come when I was going? and finally (this is semi-important): why can't you ever say these things when I am actually in front of you? you were actually in the room with me and didn't say this. why? why didn't you just come and watch cartoons with me last night?
you haven't looked through my tattoo sketches. if you had, you would know that one of them is about you.
until I read the note, I didn't know there were sketches to look at... ~uh, pooh logic... ~ yep, did miss that post. ~ just everything that was there and how little I knew about any of it... and stuff... ~
it's not something I have to chat about as opposed to talking to you about, but, no I didn't really feel it appropriate earlier, gary was there, and being quite energetic and sharing things and being in a very good mood... it seemed like what I had to say wouldn't started a conversation or set of actions that would've been a bit more in depth than where we were and also a bit of a mood changer...
there were sketches before the note -- pooh logic doesn't matter. i walked into legend of the seeker mid-episode. i would think that the person you want to spend time with doing x y or z would matter more than what ep the show was on. we can watch the show from the beginning middle end or even backwards for all i care. it's just a cartoon.
(I usually prefer to have those kinds of talks alone or with a bit of privacy, and you had company...)
and if you wanted to talk, it only takes a word. a sentence. anything like "hey, let me talk to you for a moment". how hard is it to imagine that i would stop what i was doing and talk, chat, laugh, cry, whatever. now. later.
to say the least, feeling that i need to remind you of these things is mildly exasperating.
:(
why this? > :( if it were me, my next move would be "ok., well.... can we talk then? i really want to and need to talk to you about x y or z or whatever."

oh, well I could do that... the sad face was 'cause I was thinkin' tom was today and you'd be workin' while I was off...

workin where? i have every weekend off. i have for the last 7.5 months now.

(to expound a bit, : you having to remind me about bits of/the nuances of our relationship, as well as your reactions to having to do so usually saddens me...)
in any case, my reactions stem from the question of "why do i have to remind you? why don't you *know* this already?"
I realize that...
but my reactions saddens you nonetheless. let me ask this: do you, at the very least, understand?
understand why you react that way? of course...
brb
ok
um
hi
hi
sounds like you're having fun...
I work tom nite
(1) you should learn to listen. (2) gary is saying funny things and is being intentional about trying to have fun and is [apparently] determined to bring me into that.
(3) if you work tomorrow nite and don't talk to me during the day, that doesn't help things. #imjustsayin

I think my feelings are obvious. He doesn't have the mind that I have. In my mind, everything is under review. He seems to forget the past easily. He was sitting downstairs watching "Legend of the Seeker". I wanted to spend time with him mid-episode, so I came downstairs, sat on the couch and watched two episodes with him. When I see him in the hall, I hug him. I sit on the stairs and talk to him before he goes to work now and then. I read his page. I check his pictures. I send him an occasional message. I walk into his room when he's doing laundry and talk to him for a while and ask him how his life is. If he would simply do the same thing, he wouldn't miss me even half as much. The thing that bothers me the most is that he says he cares and in all honesty, he doesn't in a way that can even remotely be considered practical or concrete. Love doesn't run away....

By the way, today, he went to work and came home early. He's here, I'm here. Not a word. Probably not until tomorrow. Then who knows?

It's just like another situation from earlier today. A friend and I were at walmart. He got a text message from someone who hasn't made even one attempt to contact me in any way in a year and a half and this person told him to tell me "Hi". Whatever for? It's not like I'm hard to find or even find out about.

~_~

There is a part of me that wants to reconnect. There's another that is like "Forget you...". That last part is winning right now.

Finally, Levone is upset with me (and is being passive-aggressive about it) because I haven't called in two days. Two days. In that time, he's been busy with things at the hospital and I with my own life. Mind you, the whole time, I've been texting and checking up on him and all this... Sigh. Convo here:

What you doin

Eatin ice cream

O

u?

nothing. just layin down

Good. U resting is good. Makes me feel bettr.

Why is that and we have not been talkin on the phone. Why?

Bc I like knowing ur ok.

so the reason we have not been talking on the phone is because u want to make sure im okay

No. I haven't said anything about that. The fone thing... I don't know. We just haven't. We can later if u want. Didn't think u cared.

oh okay well beens u think i dont care... i wont

ok tough guy. have u rested?

yeah

Good. If ur up, i'll call u later.

i'll be up but don't worry about ever callin me

I'm not worried but I will call later. If i've made u upset I apologize.

No its all good. Later.

Later.

[pic of smiling face with middle finger extended]

Seriously, y r u upset with me.

Its all good.

It's things like this I don't understand. What does friendship actually mean? I don't know sometimes...

Then again, it's not all bad. Reza and I wrote back and forth a little last night and that did my heart good. I'm thankful for that kind of love in that much abundance in my life. It's a shame there aren't more people like that.

thoughts to piano

Last night, I went to hear Bran sing. This was a good idea of course, but it took so long to find the church he was singing in that I only got to hear 15 minutes of a hour long performance.

Dani was in attendance as well.

After the performance, we rode back to my house and I changed clothes. Brandon changed pants. James came home. Ari and Quan showed up. I really wanted coffee, so we rode to Jittery Joe's, then to the bowling alley where I tromped James in DDR :)

We played games for hours and then finally went our separate ways. Hanging out with Dani was easy and simple. I think she could have been more talkative, but oh well. I think she enjoyed herself all the time. We texted a little, talked a little, nothing weird or awkward, just being in the same place with the same people and chilling.

I find myself needing more of this sort of thing. I just want people I can be chill around and have peace with without having to deal with excessive drama of any sort.

I finally made it to John's house where I put Sophie out for the night, chatted online a bit, did a dare a friend gave me, then went to sleep.

Today, I finished a comic book, read blogs and CL and I think I am going to do some situps.

Lots of things to think about, but I'll write about that later.

mind dump

I think things have been going okay if you speak in averages, but my experience of it all is rough. I think I'll just cycle through all of it from work to home involving names and individuals.

:: Home ::

Things have been gradually worse since the famous meeting of the roommates. Dishes remain undone even though they only have to put them in the dishwasher. They don't have to even run the dishwasher -- just put the dishes in. The youngest among us is 22 years old.

After several weeks of this and other things, I decided to remove the silverware I bought from the kitchen. This eliminated about 92% of them and, of course, everyone and their mom bitched about it except James and Baranda -- James lives in my room and he has whatever I have. Baranda has her own silverware set (serving size: four).

A text message was sent to myself and James by Donovan who stated that we shouldn't use text messages to handle issues to ask about why the silverware was missing. I ignored it. Then today (this is saturday) in mid-afternoon, I had Morgan and Donovan bust into my room to look for the silverware (in plain view).

The other guys (Morgan and Donovan) cried to Baranda via text about this and posted mad stupidity on my facebook wall. See for yourself.

After this, listening to Donovan's bitching and Morgan's almost-nearly-viable frustration, I made my point - again - that the dishes need to be kept clean. This was met with, "but you could have avoided all of this and just reminded us..." with which I countered, "we are 22-28 years old in here. Would you mind giving me a reason why you need to be reminded at that age that you need to keep things clean? Haven't we been cleaning things and having to tidy up since age 13 and some change?"

Nothing, then "So are we getting forks back?" and "Could you stop talking down to us and explain?" (Mind you, they asked how I came to this course of action and my answer was 'a simple logical process').

"Why did you take the silverware?"

"It's mine. I bought it."

"Oh...."

In our exchanges, there is a comment I would like to post a pic of just for clarity's sake:

The comment that Ed posted was purely from viewing the conversation. Nothing was said to him. I didn't talk to him about the situation. He knows me that well. So Morgan asks (after I explain that I have said nothing of this to Ed at all):

"Does anyone think like you about these things?"

"Yes."

"People that live here?"

"Yes." (that would be James)

I later asked him about that quote. "Why is it that someone that doesn't live here is able to read these wall posts and come to the same conclusion about why I did what I did, but the people that LIVE here everyday are so confused? Am I that hard to understand?"

No answer.

*sigh*

Oh yeah, let's talk about the roommates current:

:: Roommate #1, Baranda

She has to live in some other universe. She's growing up and finding out that this whole being an adult thing is hard. She's also going to find out just how hard pretty soon. Things are not easy when you don't live with your parents and have your own space and so on. It is about to get much harder.

:: Roommate #2, Morgan

I don't know what to say about this one. We were close, then he got a gf and other things happened. Our relationship, at best, is strained. Frustrations he won't speak about get acted out and all this and who knows what to make of it. I'll probably lose him as a friend pretty soon because I can't deal with the people he's attached to and he won't make sensible choices about many things.

:: Roommate #3, Donovan

I can't think of one positive thing to say about him other than he pays bills on time. He's lazy, makes more of a mess than he cleans, leaves the door open at night, leaves dishes out instead of in the dishwasher, drama drama drama, and has the nerve to pretend he's a mature adult. Pretentious is hardly the word. I don't like him at all and every passing day I like him less and then he thinks he'll have a place here in a year. Fuck that.

:: Roommate #4, James

I love him. We have our minor squabbles, but we are always around each other, so it happens. He sees what I am doing and always tries to pair his efforts with mine or offer perspectives to consider. He's helped me with buying furniture, cleaning the kitchen, organizing the closet, buying pet food, you name it. Never a complaint (unless it's about the other three). He has a blog, by the way. Check it out here. If I ever decide to abandon this ship, he gets a raft.

:: Work ::

It's just been a lot of work. For the better part of this job, I've just been the guy that does the scripting work for whatever paperwork they hand me. I test it, if it works, I let people know we can roll it out. It's simple stuff. Until lately...

In one week, I have gone from that guy, to the guy that is actually emailing clients and headquarters and writing reports. The company is about to issue me a phone. I'm logging overtime. It's nice...

...except the shady part. I'm seeing the true faces of some people and while I still love my job with a passion and the people I work with, it is hard not to want to cry or give up when I know that people are just throwing me under the proverbial bus just to save face with this client and that. Contradicting instructions. Constantly having to play the janitor. It is tiring. This week has been the most physically and emotionally draining week I have had in some time.

:: Other Things ::

I can't get a break at work. I can't get a break at home. It's drama wherever I turn my head. Relationships dissolving, reforming. I want peace when I get home in my home and I can't have that because I have to fight 3/5 of the house at all times. That limits me to my room (which thanks to the combined efforts of myself and James remains spotless) for any semblance of peace.

I'm thinking that I should start thinking about myself more and others and their feelings less. I'm starting to believe that James is the only true friend I have that lives with me. I'm watching a dream fall apart; when I moved here, I lived with people that were my friends. Other people came and went and hung out, but we were there for each other and really looked out for each other. Now I have none of that and watching it fade hurts, but I gain strength from it somehow. I'm learning to let go a little bit faster and to hold on a little less tightly to people.

In the end, I'm getting a little colder. Trying to care, but trying to draw the boundaries of that care a little closer to me and a little further from others. I don't know what that means. I don't know what I'm becoming other than the fact that it's painful and I hope this makes me better because if it doesn't, it will certainly numb my senses for a while.

Out of My Way... Part 3

Bought shelving and assembled it. Got cleaning supplied. Kitchen mopped. Animal food bought and put into proper containers. Living room straightened up, but not finished because we need to vacuum and can't vacuum yet (late start on things).

Considering the last few texts between myself and Roommate #1, I don't imagine they will react to the situation well when they walk downstairs to see the living room transformed.

DILLIGAF/F.

When people walk into the room not knowing if they have come into the right house and they LIVE there, I think it is high time to evaluate where we stand, don't you?

More on the warpath tomorrow because I will be on it and those who come in peace are welcome along. If you stand against me, I will run you over. That's all there is to it.

Update on list items.

If you remember a couple of posts back, I wrote a few things down. Here's a particular quote:

It's a sacrifice of convenience at best, but being real about it, it's just that I'm tired and I see a way to alleviate that, so I am. To be sure of the success of my plan, I will right down some concrete things:

• woome account: deleted by midnight of apr 1.
• hotmail account: deleted by midnight of apr 1.
• gmail account: deleted by midnight of apr 1. this one was hard, actually. i have two. i need one.
  
• yahoo account: deleted by midnight of apr 1. i have two. i need one.
• non-productive software (minusing a specific one) removed before bed tonight (mar 29)

All of this is done as of today. Decided to let some things linger and collect people and give people time to act on it. Wanted it out of my hair tonight. It's gone. No hotmail, one yahoo address, one gmail, address, no woome.

The non-productive software is pretty much done too. The fun stuff is on the mac partition and business is on the windows partition.

A couple of days until the next meeting. I have a lot of work to do for the presentation.