mind dump

I think things have been going okay if you speak in averages, but my experience of it all is rough. I think I'll just cycle through all of it from work to home involving names and individuals.

:: Home ::

Things have been gradually worse since the famous meeting of the roommates. Dishes remain undone even though they only have to put them in the dishwasher. They don't have to even run the dishwasher -- just put the dishes in. The youngest among us is 22 years old.

After several weeks of this and other things, I decided to remove the silverware I bought from the kitchen. This eliminated about 92% of them and, of course, everyone and their mom bitched about it except James and Baranda -- James lives in my room and he has whatever I have. Baranda has her own silverware set (serving size: four).

A text message was sent to myself and James by Donovan who stated that we shouldn't use text messages to handle issues to ask about why the silverware was missing. I ignored it. Then today (this is saturday) in mid-afternoon, I had Morgan and Donovan bust into my room to look for the silverware (in plain view).

The other guys (Morgan and Donovan) cried to Baranda via text about this and posted mad stupidity on my facebook wall. See for yourself.

After this, listening to Donovan's bitching and Morgan's almost-nearly-viable frustration, I made my point - again - that the dishes need to be kept clean. This was met with, "but you could have avoided all of this and just reminded us..." with which I countered, "we are 22-28 years old in here. Would you mind giving me a reason why you need to be reminded at that age that you need to keep things clean? Haven't we been cleaning things and having to tidy up since age 13 and some change?"

Nothing, then "So are we getting forks back?" and "Could you stop talking down to us and explain?" (Mind you, they asked how I came to this course of action and my answer was 'a simple logical process').

"Why did you take the silverware?"

"It's mine. I bought it."

"Oh...."

In our exchanges, there is a comment I would like to post a pic of just for clarity's sake:

The comment that Ed posted was purely from viewing the conversation. Nothing was said to him. I didn't talk to him about the situation. He knows me that well. So Morgan asks (after I explain that I have said nothing of this to Ed at all):

"Does anyone think like you about these things?"

"Yes."

"People that live here?"

"Yes." (that would be James)

I later asked him about that quote. "Why is it that someone that doesn't live here is able to read these wall posts and come to the same conclusion about why I did what I did, but the people that LIVE here everyday are so confused? Am I that hard to understand?"

No answer.

*sigh*

Oh yeah, let's talk about the roommates current:

:: Roommate #1, Baranda

She has to live in some other universe. She's growing up and finding out that this whole being an adult thing is hard. She's also going to find out just how hard pretty soon. Things are not easy when you don't live with your parents and have your own space and so on. It is about to get much harder.

:: Roommate #2, Morgan

I don't know what to say about this one. We were close, then he got a gf and other things happened. Our relationship, at best, is strained. Frustrations he won't speak about get acted out and all this and who knows what to make of it. I'll probably lose him as a friend pretty soon because I can't deal with the people he's attached to and he won't make sensible choices about many things.

:: Roommate #3, Donovan

I can't think of one positive thing to say about him other than he pays bills on time. He's lazy, makes more of a mess than he cleans, leaves the door open at night, leaves dishes out instead of in the dishwasher, drama drama drama, and has the nerve to pretend he's a mature adult. Pretentious is hardly the word. I don't like him at all and every passing day I like him less and then he thinks he'll have a place here in a year. Fuck that.

:: Roommate #4, James

I love him. We have our minor squabbles, but we are always around each other, so it happens. He sees what I am doing and always tries to pair his efforts with mine or offer perspectives to consider. He's helped me with buying furniture, cleaning the kitchen, organizing the closet, buying pet food, you name it. Never a complaint (unless it's about the other three). He has a blog, by the way. Check it out here. If I ever decide to abandon this ship, he gets a raft.

:: Work ::

It's just been a lot of work. For the better part of this job, I've just been the guy that does the scripting work for whatever paperwork they hand me. I test it, if it works, I let people know we can roll it out. It's simple stuff. Until lately...

In one week, I have gone from that guy, to the guy that is actually emailing clients and headquarters and writing reports. The company is about to issue me a phone. I'm logging overtime. It's nice...

...except the shady part. I'm seeing the true faces of some people and while I still love my job with a passion and the people I work with, it is hard not to want to cry or give up when I know that people are just throwing me under the proverbial bus just to save face with this client and that. Contradicting instructions. Constantly having to play the janitor. It is tiring. This week has been the most physically and emotionally draining week I have had in some time.

:: Other Things ::

I can't get a break at work. I can't get a break at home. It's drama wherever I turn my head. Relationships dissolving, reforming. I want peace when I get home in my home and I can't have that because I have to fight 3/5 of the house at all times. That limits me to my room (which thanks to the combined efforts of myself and James remains spotless) for any semblance of peace.

I'm thinking that I should start thinking about myself more and others and their feelings less. I'm starting to believe that James is the only true friend I have that lives with me. I'm watching a dream fall apart; when I moved here, I lived with people that were my friends. Other people came and went and hung out, but we were there for each other and really looked out for each other. Now I have none of that and watching it fade hurts, but I gain strength from it somehow. I'm learning to let go a little bit faster and to hold on a little less tightly to people.

In the end, I'm getting a little colder. Trying to care, but trying to draw the boundaries of that care a little closer to me and a little further from others. I don't know what that means. I don't know what I'm becoming other than the fact that it's painful and I hope this makes me better because if it doesn't, it will certainly numb my senses for a while.