Turn

The last couple of years have been very educational and beneficial, but today I have the darker sides of those lessons on my mind.

On my mind right now is an apology. I'm sorry that work, paying bills, exercise, games, social interaction, understanding myself, choosing between job options, caring for other people, minimalism, my own personal goals (reading and so on) have been given so large a place in my life while God and my daily conversation with him has become subtext.

No, not entirely forgotten; how could I forget or even fail to recognize His whispers in every breath of the wind. However, that's not enough. Yes, I'm a kind person. Yes, I'm a good friend. Yes, I point people to God if they ask me (and I should hope with my very breathing).

However, that's not enough.

Sometimes, God uses the simplest things to make my lack known to me. This time, as with every other time, it was just a taste of joy. I sat in the bus and I saw myself at home on my back porch speaking out my feelings to Him and for a few intense minutes, that was all I wanted.

Right now, all I want is the space to do that. That led me to this. I want to ask for guidance with this job decision, but as I think about this, I can't escape the following thought of, "Why now?"

That nagging thought that you shouldn't ask God for something if you aren't maintaining your part in the relationship properly. I'm ignoring that feeling for now, but even so, past that foolish thought is a God who is persistent in quietly demanding my focus amid the clamor of bills, boxes and cats.

I'm thankful for that now.

Friends vs Friends

You know, there is a way that I understand having Christian friends that I didn't before today.

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.

- John 15:19

Even if I'm living in it, I'm not quite part of it. That is, I don't fit all the way in. Maybe some. Maybe even mostly with the more recent years, but never fully and I probably never will. The places I don't fit in earn me hatred as a natural consequence.

Mind you, it's not necessarily active hatred or anger, but then again, hatred and indifference are two points on the same plane; in the end, you either love or you don't. Whatever is not love is hatred. For a long time, I thought that it was possible for people that weren't Christians to love deeply. Maybe not the same as my Christian friends, but they could still love; everyone is capable of love.  Let me tell you: the exceptions are so rare it isn't even remotely funny. There is no love at all, there's just selfishness covered with a veneer of politeness and social etiquette.

It's like I'm looking around and I realize that, while a lot of people might like me, or like something about me, there are few and far between that actually love me and even fewer that have the courage to continue to love when things get hard.

Only a person that could say this (and the people that can believe in that Person) could understand the concept of true love for another person and friendship:

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

- John 15:13

Or another classic:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I don't want to imply that any of my friends should be just dropped or anything and they wouldn't be unless it were needed, but maybe I shouldn't be so willing to seek the good in everyone and just see and respond to what is there instead...

...and what I see is not at all pretty. Not at all.

Flying Solo

This will not be a poetic post.

Sometimes you can't choose who you love or why. You simply love them with your heart on the line. After that, you just hold on for dear life and hope that love is returned. Most times, it is. At the same time, it's rarely even.

When that happens, there's nothing to be done and no one to blame. There can only be acceptance. You will want to say that the other person -- whether friend, family or lover -- never truly loved you and you must resist that urge with all your might. In the end, we won't be judged or measured by how much love we were given in return, but by how much we we pour out into others and, by extension, the world. It is not, nor has it ever been, our place to decide who should be loved. I commit to live love fearlessly, without regret and in a state of rest; no matter what happens, I will be okay and love is always worth it no matter how I feel.

Related to this, but applicable to all things is that, in the end, your reasons must be your own. Believing, doubting, loving, hating, all of it. The reasons must be your own. Some parts and paths in life will leave you (hopefully) standing and from there, you can choose to fall down and fold because the crowd has moved or the emotional high wore off and things aren't as "new"...

...or you can choose to keep going on and make your path your own. I've run into some things -- treasures I will carry forever -- that I will fight to keep for the rest of my life. That song, that training, that experience, that connection that ran so deep, that decision to change my life, that realization/revelation that took my life to different dimension, that feeling of living so much and being so thankful that I cried... I will keep them. They are mine and even if I never see the places or people those treasures came from again, I hold them with me always and I will walk on even if I walk alone.

I wish I could tell you that if you're a good friend you will always have one but the truth is that, even of you did, you will find yourself alone. The thing you must remember when you are alone is that alone is never forever when love is involved. Alone will end and community will find you again. Maybe not the live you want or wanted but more than you will ever need.

Fight on.

As a friend would say, "Live free".

To that, I add: love hard, hold on.

It's About This

I woke up with this on my mind today and it explains so much.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I understand something more here now than before now and I am meditating on it and digging it out. I have a new oath to make and I've written it somewhere it can't be taken.

I'm still processing this and while I may not tell anyone what I'm processing in full, know that there will be changes because of it.

Special thanks goes to Zero for this particular moment.

As You Are There

I sit here and I wonder how I was ever this blessed. How do things like this happen to me?

It was so simple how all of this started. I remember that day. You were just sitting over there and I noticed you. I mean, I noticed. It wasn't something you said or something you did. It was just who you were. I saw an unexplored depth. I connected right then and there. We had to be friends. We just had to. I left the room after speaking a few words, but they were more than enough.

After that day, I thought about you a lot. I wondered what you thought about things. I wondered what our first conversation would be like. Maybe casual. Maybe serious. Maybe both. Who knew?

Then we started to talk. And talk. And talk. The more we talked, the closer we became. Line after line. Concept after concept. It wasn't even the words we chose.... or maybe it was. There are those people -- those friends and lovers -- that, when you read their words, your heart beats a little faster. Sadness is a little more sad. Happiness is a little more happy. You were easily one of these and it made my head spin thinking of how quickly a bond like that could be formed. It still does and I smile when I think about it.

We stood in the middle of a crossroads in life, pointed to the signs that led us to this spot, then chose to walk away from that spot together. I knew, but I didn't know it would be like this. I knew you would be here. It's something I called being "knit-together"; I believe God makes souls that are uniquely shaped to fit together with ours as friends, lovers and family.

Some of these people you meet at varying points in life and no matter how long you may have lived without them before, you wonder how you ever did and suddenly you can't think of a day without them being there. You don't know how you survive without them.

Yes, it sounds obsessive.
No, I don't care.

I feel this way about my closest friends and I always have and there will never be a time where I do not feel that way about them and I don't care to hide that feeling. Not now. Not later. Not ever. When I close my eyes and I think about you, I feel you right next to me and for a few moments, I feel bigger than the body I'm in and the planet I'm on.

I hold you in my arms for just a moment and I listen to your breathing and your heartbeat and we're connected for just a moment -- spirit to spirit, soul to soul. Then I let go and I'm left smiling, yet sad. It was only a vision -- you are not here. You are there where you are living where you live and I pray that wherever that is that you are happy there. I go through so many emotions. I want to get in my car and drive and hug you and not care that I'm interrupting your job or your church service or your mid-afternoon nap. I want to hug you and I don't want to let go. I see the gift I've been given and I am sharply aware that I don't have enough life to appreciate it properly, but I want to give it all I can...

...then I think that it may be too much for you.

I've been down that road. I've bared all of my deepest emotions and have people straight up walk out of my life just after the words, "I love you and I'll always be here for whatever" escaped their lips. I've been hurt deeper and more often over that one thing than any in my life and just when I want to hide and never show myself again, I see or think about you and it's worth trying again...

And again...
And again...

I'm honestly trying not to cry, but I want to and this is a really emotional entry and that's fine. I think the things we love should move us that much at minimum. You make me want to roar like a lion, lie down like a sheep, be loyal like a faithful dog, defend fiercely, love fearlessly and learn to love even better just so I can give you the fruit of that learning process every day.

All of this is what I think about when I wake up in a fit of insomnia and I suddenly wish for you to be here for even one moment. To talk or laugh or cry or nothing at all other than just be here with me. I can live without you being here. I could live without you at all, but in my heart, I don't want to have to even breathe without you and sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming to take in when I say it all like this, so I hope that the next time when I hug you a little tighter or hold on a little longer or when I stall just a little more when we part ways that you understand that I'm just a kid trying to slow down time for just one more second to love you with.

And when I put my hand on your shoulder and sometimes even fight just to not out and out kiss you on the forehead, I get the idea from your slight, nearly imperceptible smile and occasionally lingering eye contact, that you do.

Thoughts While Cleaning

I'm cleaning up a bit today and I'm thinking about my upcoming week.

I don't have money for rent. My family is asking for more money than I can give. I'm lethargic. My soul is tired. I went to bed last night because being awake was too hard. I missed church today because I couldn't see a reason to get out of bed until 930. I walked downstairs with my brain on auto and continued to think.

I need a new computer. I want to delete everything and start over. Especially Facebook. Maybe my IM names. I want to burn bridges without a thought to the consequences.

In the middle of that, as I washed my hands in the bathroom sink, I said:

God, I'm thankful that, in You and the things You provide, my emotional, mental, physical and spiritual needs are met for myself and everyone else in my house.

I want you to know that took faith I don't always know I have. Somehow, this week will turn out okay. My pain will be made right, calculated and given back to me as some blessing I can share with someone else. That is the truth and how I feel doesn't change that fact. I don't feel better, but I will be.

I'm also thankful for the fact that God puts really big, thorny hedges in our way when we're going the wrong way.

Somehow, I'll keep digging in and finding a way not to give up today... I have to.

With Trepidation

Sometimes, I really wonder about things. My curiosities on so many levels -- one in particular -- versus all of the newness that's been coming up and about in the last few days.

You know, I don't know what to make of that. In the last few years, I've done a lot of things that I didn't think I would really want to do. Like drinking. I haven't gotten drunk and I've never had anything against drinking at all, actually, but I didn't really think I would.

I have two more Smirnoffs in the fridge if anyone wants one.

Then there are the other things lurking around in my brain that have been partly explored (I suppose), but not in any tangible way; that is to say, I've not ran into someone in the street, bar, club, library and so on. I do have to wonder about all of these things and when they'll come up when things are changing like they are now.

The good news is that I've kept myself out of trouble and that the "trouble" I do get into now and then I keep off radar (aka not on social media for the whole world to see and know about other than you guys via my writing here). Sometimes I wonder about things like:

• should I do ____?
• if I take things any further, how long would it take for all of that to catch me? anything in darkness will be revealed the moment i step into the light -- even a sliver of it.

I suppose, in the end, whatever comes will come and I will cross each bridge (and burn it behind me) as I come to it or across it. Unfortunately for all of these concerns, which I am sure certain someones would want to paralyze me, but I come back to the joy I am so thirsty for and my nearly inexhaustible hunger for truth, love, and relationship.

I haven't come into the office dancing like I did this morning in some time. I haven't smiled at the mention of the word "Jesus" in I can't think of how long (even though it inherently makes me happy). It's not that I've been unhappy, it's... it's like playing the first mario game or Sonic the Hedgehog 2 for me. The game are so simplistic in comparison to the games I play now, but they're still so much fun to play and enjoy and remember.

...and I'm so desperate (God only knows where it came from) for this all of a sudden that the potentially long list of embarrassing consequences I imagine aren't even a minor deterrent.

In short: I'm a hot mess.

Things I Protect

There's one thing I have that I protect: my _____.

I'm sure you expected me to say something like: my "heart" because that's what most people commonly go to great length to protect. They'll cut off friends and family and drink alcohol and have meaningless, empty sex just to avoid giving their heart to anyone...

...but me? I have something I guard and keep locked up more than aught else: my spiritual life.

Yeah, you've seen it.

Yes, you've even experienced it.

Those moments where I seem to know just what to say? That fountain of wisdom I seem to have a nearly inexhaustible supply of? The odd moments where I just seem to know things with no discernible reason?

Yep, all that and more is a functioning of things I protect and keep very tight-lipped about.

I don't really give it to anyone. I don't really allow many (if any) to share that part of my life and I can't even share everything about it. It's hard to even discuss... well, in words anyway. As you remember from an earlier entry, I learned to be afraid to share things that are truly precious to me.

That isn't to say I won't. That is to say, however, that it is few and far between and after a lot of testing that I am willing to open up about that. I can count on both hands the people that I feel I could share all of it with. The earlier parts some people were there to experience during my college years, but they don't know what drives it. It's actually all written down in a large notebook that I keep in a closet.

In that book is every single time that someone has given or passed a message to me that was prophetic. Those were said to me by different people in different places. Some I knew. Some I'd never met and have never seen or heard from again. All of them were accurate and timely and I have kept them all to remind myself of who I am when the time came that I'd ever need to revisit and remember.

It's in my closet right now. Those moments that those words came from were indescribable. It's tied to the reason my friend Miranda calls me a catalyst. There's something unusual about.... Well, something else I'll hush up about right now... See what I mean?

The thing is, I want to have people come along on this journey. I'm starting to feel like I've gone through everything I've been through and have taken terribly dark (to me) turns in life just to pick up a few people and now I'm being moved. I don't know what will happen to my relationships with people I've met in that time except for exactly one; that one will come along with me. The others may forget, may be mad, I may meet them again more fully alive and they might be critical of it because "they'll remember when..." and I have to make my peace with that.

At the same time, there's that inner part of me that, once diminished, is starting to demand more and more time and breathing space. In short: it wants to me to be fully alive...

...I think I'm okay with this, although I'm unsure of the path it will take.

My Soul Says Yes

I ran into this song I hadn't heard in so long. It's a small worship set from this DVD I watched a few years. There's something about listening to this person say nothing but "Yeah!" for a few seconds. Mind you, if you watch the whole video, you'll have a better appreciation for it, but this particular section gets me every time.

As you've been noticing over the last few entries, seeing people get lost in joy is a passion of mine. You may have also noticed that I like helping people pursue their passions if you've caught my entries over the last few months or my posts on twitter, facebook, and google+.

The thing I see here is that this woman is clearing losing herself in singing to this person she's so clearly in love with. Skip to 7:37 and you'll see what I mean (or 6:02 and following since the theme to this blog is there).

She just forgot. She forgot she was on stage. Forgot she had on this pretty white dress. Forgot about her makeup. Forgot about her (very nicely) done hair. Forgot about the audience. For that moment (for most of this video, actually, but this particular moment was special) she forgot everything and everyone...

...well, almost everyone.

Now if you've been following this blog for the last few days, you would have seen this entry here. How is that related to this other than the obvious?

Well, here's the thing: the last couple of days have been unusually emotional. The emotions aren't negative, but they are hard (and easy) to take. Hard, because I don't feel like this should be happening to me. I've been crazy places and I've walked definitely more shade than light in my opinion. God's response to this is to give me this crazy kind of joy. I remember all of these good things and I want to apologize to him for so much and He doesn't care. He just embraces me.

I feel like Zuko when he met Iroh. I could quote him...

Zuko: Uncle. I know you must have mixed feelings about seeing me. But I want you to know... [he begins to cry] I am so, so sorry, Uncle. I am so sorry and ashamed of what I did. I don't know how I can ever make it up to you, but I...

[Iroh turns and pulls him into a fierce hug]
Zuko: [bewildered] How can you forgive me so easily? I thought you would be furious with me!
Iroh: [crying] I was never angry with you. I was sad, because I was afraid you'd lost your way.
Zuko: I did lose my way.
Iroh: [leaning back to look at him] But you found it again. And you did it by yourself. And I am so happy you found your way here.
[they hug]
Zuko: It wasn't hard, Uncle. You have a pretty strong scent.

This. Exactly this. The way I feel is so hard to describe. It's easy because it's joy. It's something we crave so much and it's being readily offered to me in abundance for absolutely no other discernible reason than the fact that He just wants to.

Okay, fine.

It's so attractive... so powerful...

You know how you get so mad that you actually hit things or scream or yell or drive? Or that you get so sad you cry, or just hug the nearest person to you? Or laugh when someone says something really funny? Okay. How about when someone you love touches you? You know how you have a physical and emotional and mental response all at the same time?

Okay, now take that last feeling. Imagine being touched by someone you love so much that you smile when you see them and you melt into their hugs just a little; Polli's like that most times (I have a lot of love in my life, so this is easy to imagine for me).

Now imagine that person being a person made out of pure energy and joy.

Now if you can imagine that, multiply that feeling by about a hundred times. Imagine this person never being more than a foot away from you. Never failing you. Never disappointing. Always loving you. Imagine this person is the friend and lover you've always wanted.

Take that in and multiply that times about a hundred again.

Now imagine that you've done this person an amazing amount of wrong, but they've been the perfect friend regardless of how you've hurt them or how badly you've treated them. Hold that thought in mind, then think about the relief you feel that, even after so much, they've not given up on you.

Multiply that by about a thousand times.

Now you have about a tenth of how I've felt in the last two days. I'm so happy, I'm so sad. I feel like I just got caught with the last slice of this awesome cake and I'm caught redhanded but I don't care. "I'm sorry, but I like this joy so much. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm taking all of it in that I can. I can't help myself. I really can't.

It's really hard either crying or wanting to cry all the time. I wish Polli were here.

loving my brain

Can't get things like this out of my head:

I remember the whole dance from this video. I missed that, too. I've missed a lot in only 24 hours. Shower time.

SM break

So this week, for the whole week starting around midnight tonight, I'll be taking a break from all social media. As I learned from the last experiment, you won't miss me that much anyway.

That said, I will post on my blogs when I have something to say (and actually I have a fair bit in backlog. Especially for CR).

Aside from that, I'll be thinking about some things, the most important of which will be where God wants me to go with my life from here. Namely, someone asked me to move with them somewhere and possibly help start a church or other ministry there. Part of me screams yes. Yes like I'll walk out of my house and quit my job right now. Part of me screams, "Stop being stupid." Neither of these voices are God and I realize this, so now I wait. While I wait, I'm going to try to meet with the person who asked. I know he has a particular gift that will allow him to see the things I cannot say and as God shows those things to him, he'll be better able to figure out whether I should be there or if there is a better person to ask.

Aside from that, I think I'm going to exercise some more of these spiritual muscles I got. It will be harder, but also easier than it sounds and I have quite a few people in mind that I think will benefit from this, so with all of you in mind and heart, I'm about to dig into some things.

Also, on a related vein, I read this manifesto by Nina Yau and it makes me want to write one of my own, so I think I will and soon.

quiet weekend high

Most of my weekend has been quiet; James left for a while and Rickey has not been home in days. I don't know what is going on there, but I hope he's okay.

Honestly, I want to write him and demand to know where he is and why he's not been home, but he's an adult and that means that he'll make choices I don't like like any other adult does.

Moving on, I'm on a bit of a high today, especially after watching this video:

How could you not be? She did that after singing this:

There's something about this that I miss so much. This is one of the things about Christian community I miss. Someone can dance in the midst of pain and we dance alongside them. It's contagious. You seem someone break into a spontaneous dance like this (at least at the churches I've been to) and it gets to you. It's a whole new world opening up. It's a baring of one's soul. They don't have to speak. You can almost see where they've been by watching how they move.

If you've not experienced this, you should. If you have, then you can understand why I have been on a mild high since watching this video; for just a moment, I was connected to all of you in a way that only a believer could understand.

this week in brief

Wednesday onward this week has been very challenging. I met with Phillip this week and he asked me for a new challenge. The week before, I had given him the challenge of not answering questions to justify himself. He wrestled with this for a week or so. Actually, he still is. However, he asked me for the next challenge, so I gave it to him as he asked.

I challenge him not to ask questions for a week. To think of alternate ways to express himself and communicate, regardless of circumstance, while going to great lengths to avoid asking anything in the form of a question. He broke down in frustration after two days. Someone called, he wasn't sure if it was someone he knew or not and couldn't think of a way to figure that out without asking a question. He's also stressed with his parents and finances so this is adding to the frustration.

When he took the time to explain his frustrations at length and a common friend's side comments to the challenge, I told him to make up his own mind: either rise up to the challenge or quit. I also decided to join him in this challenge to show him it could be done. So far, I have slipped up 15 times in the three days I've taken this challenge.

That said, it changes so many things about you perspective-wise it is unreal. I find these things to be true as I go along taking this challenge:

• i can't use questions to sneak things in. sometimes putting things in the form of a question softens the blow when you make certain statements that would otherwise be harsh or hurtful. because of this limitation, i either have to be harsh or say nothing. there is no in-between.
• every question is either an expression of desire or the result of inability to observe. not to say that anyone is unobservant, but we ask because we do not see. naturally, however, if we cannot see something, our first instinct should be to look for it whether directly or indirectly. not having questions to ask makes me have to look and listen twice as much while speaking half as much.
• this is a more amusing observation: i have to make my sentences more full since i have to speak out my full intentions in order to have the same effect as asking a question.
• i find that when you make a statement out of a question, it sounds a lot like a command. "tell me how your day was", "tell me more about that", "i don't understand what you just said. explain please."
• this challenge is totally possible to do without sacrificing one ounce of politeness or respect. i am doing this challenge at work currently and yesterday i had a set of complex technical things that i needed information for and i got through all of that with only two questions in a two-hour conversation. everything else was a statement.
• i ended up feeling very empowered. not asking questions forced me to be bolder with the things i needed to say. having to ask a question puts us on edge. making a statement seems to have the opposite effect. it simply has to be spoken, not answered to.

If you would, I invite you to take the challenge if you can for 24 hours. Don't ask questions. Observe, demand, request, but don't ask. See what you learn about yourself. See how you feel. Comment here if you wish.

Moving on, I've also had to speak about very hard to discuss subjects with people and repair broken relationships before things got out of hand. I talked to Quan about the issue with the pool and just bringing people over in general. In sum: he's always welcome to our home, but if he brings anyone else over, I want to know beforehand. It was something that was violated in a minor way and it was badly addressed with sharp, joking sarcasm. I wanted the air to be cleared and for there to be no misunderstanding about my feelings about Quan being at my home. He is welcome to my home wherever I have a place to call home, but that doesn't extend to anyone else including his girlfriend and that is just a matter of respect for me.

I had to explain the same thing to Rickey about James' computer because of something similar that happened a few weeks ago.

I also explained to Rickey that he may not be able to be in a romantic relationship because he's too afraid of being hurt to love anyone and that he needed to seriously consider whether or not it was fair to anyone else or him to be in a relationship when he was not ready to make himself vulnerable enough to really love them.

The fact is, loving other people, even in a platonic way, hurts. It always will. There will be misunderstandings and we want to be liked and thinking that someone we like does not like us as much hurts. I'm dealing with that right now. It's painful. The fact is that the risk will never be any smaller in the future if we hold back in loving than if we choose to love someone full-force right now. So that's what we should do: love -- full-force -- right now.

On that note, I was talked to Cedric last night and informed him that I was re-reading some texts we exchanged the night before. He said he felt like he was being studied and therefore uncomfortable with sending me texts from here on. I explained that I don't save the texts, I simply have not erased them since my box was not full. This became a 10-minute segue then silence. I swear this doesn't make sense to me. It shouldn't matter if I re-read texts we've already exchanged. It's not like I have amnesia about things we do or conversations we've had in person. I wonder if he would expect me to induce a controlled amnesia about these things.

I've thought about the recent weeks where we've not been able to hang out as well. Putting all of this together, plus my mounting frustrations with this text thing plus the "you only live five minutes down the street it is not that hard to visit for an hour or two" leads me back to a quote I saw on the "Pieces of Flair" app on FB long ago:

Never make someone a priority that has clearly made you an option.

I suppose the appropriate response here would be to shrug my shoulders, say "whatevs" and move along. If he chooses to speak, then fine, and if not then I've lost nothing valuable.

I had a very interesting discussion this week on FB that went from the Casey Anthony trial to the subject of religion. I ended up having a very respectful discussion with a person who was very much an atheist.

Yes, it included the concept of hell.

I think that's important. Yes, I'm one of those people that believes that the people that do not choose correctly choose their own eternal destruction. That's what I read in black and white print. "Do not fear the one who can destroy the body, but fear the One that can destroy both body and soul in hell." Instead of seeing this as a fear-based tactic, see it as something that I think is heartbreaking enough for me to want people to avoid it if at all possible.

Hell is about separation more than anything else to me (nevermind the torment for now). Separation from community and from love. I don't like seeing that on a temporal earth, so in infinity, I definitely don't want to see that. I'll post a picture of the convo I took as a screenshot. I was able to state my thoughts, with respect, and I was responded to in kind. I think it will be a good lesson for many: you can, in fact, have a respectful discussion about the concept of hell and even who will end up going and you don't have to soften the words and you can walk away with respect. 1 Peter 3:15-16 says it better than I can and that's a command if you're a christian, by the way.

I'm teaching a friend japanese. He already knows and loves french. He's 14, super smart, and sees me as a second dad. It's fantastic. Polli and he would get along well.

I've been waking up and exercising since I leave myself 1.5 hours before I have to catch the bus open everyday. I took today off because I've had 8 hours' sleep in 3 days, but I'll be back into it tomorrow. My body already misses the exercises, but I was just too tired. It's another item to cross off my Must List, though, since I'm doing it now.

I talked to AB yesterday about starting a business doing website design and limited software work. He also wanted to make a game, so I think we're going to give that a go. I already have a client. Literally 30 minutes after setting things up and communicating and exchanging resumes, someone tapped me on the shoulder for a design project.

I believe excitement is in order. It will be something I can do and manage anywhere since AB lives in the UK and I live here. We probably won't have an office. At some point, I want to be able to hire people and train them and invest in them. I will see how that goes. I'm looking forward to the challenge.

On twitter this week, I asked everyone to share their passions with me. I'm texting my non-twitter friends with the same questions. My next step is to ask how I can help them do those things, but for now I want people to inspire and be inspired by their own passions. Comment here with yours.

Finally, this weekend, I am going to go to the mountains. I welcome the peace and quiet and watching of Fairy Tail and grilling of steak that will occur among other things. This will be a good getaway and I need that now and then.

I'll need to get back to work, but I wanted to write this before I got to work on things here at the office. Have a project that I'm having difficulties doing because it requires a lot of custom work and there's no API or documentation for templating this stuff. Quite troublesome, but I'll manage.

Our Father, Who Art In Heaven...

I'm going to give you a bit of myself and, in doing so, I hope to help you see what I see today.

In my younger years, I didn't know who my father was. My stepdad was a Jamaican man from Kingston. He and my mom fought a lot. I had two grandparents. People don't normally have two (at least, I didn't think so). I was told about this man. His name was Johnny.

I met him face-to-face for the first time when I was 8 or so. He met me at my grandmother's house and we would go for walks or to the park. When I met him, a whole world opened up to me that I didn't know about. I had more brothers. More sisters. A stepmom. So much information to process in such a short time.

However, I didn't live with him. I didn't grow up with him. I grew up with my mom. My mom moved to Georgia. I went back to NY now and then to see him and talk to him and be with my grandparents. I asked questions that filled my mind and noticed how... alike we were. Generally jovial, deep thinkers, emotional, everything down to our hairline and unruly skin.

This man in front of me is my history. Part of my identity. It's been this way for a long time across many cultures: a boy watches his dad, goes with him to work, learns what his dad does, becomes an apprentice and so the story goes. Children are usually very much like their parents. This man was a glimpse into my future; that is to say, one day, I will be like this man. At the time, I barely knew who he was.

...but why?

Why wasn't he there when I was younger? Why didn't he come by the house? Why didn't he send me presents on Christmas? Why couldn't he be there for varying school functions? Why couldn't he be there to ask all the questions I knew I would eventually need to ask about life later?...

Those questions would come later. The first hurdle to cross was: what do I call you?

Johnny. I call you 'Johnny'. They told me that was your name. I didn't know who you were then, though....

That's what ran through my head for years until I was 15 and I took this step: I called him 'Dad' for the first time. This was a loaded word to me. For some, that word conjures the image of a man that you have been with all your life that has provided for you and your family and read you bedtime stories and was there for you in every way any human being can be with all the love they could join to it and that is AWESOME...

... but then there are other people and a majority of you reading this will be those people.

• Your dad donated a sperm cell and a name. You haven't seen him since and if you did now, he's so irrelevant to your life it would be more like an annoying TV commercial than a reunion. Even worse, you've tried to be reunited with this man and he makes zero (or less) effort to return that effort.

• Your dad was active in your life... but only in the negative. Abuse - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, drunkenness, other things you don't even dare to allow yourself to think about until you are behind three locked doors so people don't see you cry since you never do unless you think about that man.

• Your dad and mom were together for a while and you knew him, but he suddenly left without a word of explanation and no further contact. Maybe, in a rare case, he's recently come in contact and you're angry about it because you can't figure out why he would bother.

Then there's this story with me. My dad doesn't fall into any of these categories. That's good and bad, but the story is the same. Not having him there hurt for a long time and in minor ways, it continues to. I wish he were here to talk to about things that I struggle to figure out. I wish I could get his wisdom in person for some things. I wish I could show him something cool I did or something neat I made or show him the place I work or....

Back to that living room, though. In that living room, I looked at him, breathed deeply, and said "Good morning, Dad."

Good morning, Dad... it still brings tears to my eyes to even remember. We had said good morning every morning for several mornings for several years and every one of them ended with Johnny until that morning. The sun was coming up, we were in his apartment in the living room on the 19th floor...

"Good morning, Dad." It was more powerful than I knew at the time. At the age of 15, this was the greatest act of forgiveness I've done before or since that moment. Every time I speak to him now, I call him Dad. Dad means, I forgive you. We cannot change the past, but we can use the present to make our future better. I choose to love you. To have a relationship with you. To be a part of your life and to let you be as much a part of mine as you want. I don't hold your mistakes and imperfections and shortcomings against you. I don't care that you weren't around when I was younger. I choose to deal with whatever negative consequences not having you around brings into my life without throwing them in your face whenever I see you. I won't use guilt to control you. I would rather have my future with you than to live without you.

That's a lot for one word. The dictionary would say otherwise, but there are a lot of words we use like that:

• mom
• friend
• sister
• brother

They're all imperfect and they do things that hurt us and in the end, if we want a future with them, we have to choose to forgive them. That's what it means to love someone.

I wasn't to find out for several years that, for someone who is 'fatherless' like we feel we are (or actually are), there is one great Father from whom all earthly fathers are derived and we are never without Him. Learning how to receive love from Him is important (and very difficult without a lot of help) for those of us with broken relationships with our fathers.

So this day, for me, is a day of love and forgiveness and great emotion. I wake up, I pick up the phone, and I say "Good morning, Dad" and there's so much love there and it's one of the few moments that I hate hate HATE to hang up my phone.

Maybe you could have that today. Maybe you could choose to be open to allowing this man -- whatever title you've given him -- a space in your heart. Not a big one, but just big enough to let him build a small, comfortable corner. Naturally, you'll be wary at first. That's fine. It's new and it's weird, but the benefit of that forgiveness is that, no matter what he does, there sting is less; forgiveness is for you, not for him and if you can look at him and love him -- not hate him, not feel nothing -- but love him, then maybe you can laugh a little longer, a bit more deeply and be you as you are with more confidence for having done that. A little bit more love for having done that. Maybe it will allow you to shed fewer tears or maybe a few more happy ones.

I know it certainly did for me.

Did I struggle? Do I struggle now? Yes and yes, but a lot less. It's part of figuring things out and I'll share anything about that if you want to know, but in the end there is no pain for me on this day. Just a longing to hug him for a long time and have coffee.

It would be nice if you had that, too.

For those of you whose dads have passed on or just don't keep up with you, give that love to someone that has been like a father and/or older brother to you. Give it to your mom or your grandparents or whomever raised and loved you (broken as it may have been) and let them know how much you've appreciated having them around.

Oh, and you might want to make a point of doing that more often than today, but today is a good start.

I posted this on my other blogs, but goodness it hurt to say all of this. I think the people I care about are worth it, though.

today at church

I went to church today after a very interesting set of events on friday. What happened on Friday? Well, here's the important part was like this:

I walked to work reading this article in its entirety and I walked down thinking about how all of this impacted me and I realized something at the time I was thinking about: I don't care right now.

Confused yet? Keep following.

I looked at my bracelet, my belt and a rosary-styled necklace I had on. Total count: I had seven crosses on. Seven while reading about the crucifixion and how do I feel about this? I don't care. I don't want to go to church Sunday and pretend that I do and I can't think of where a Good Friday service is happening now because I'm not connected to church around here.

I walked off the bus and thought thought thought about what on earth to do after reading this stuff on Good Friday. After thinking for several minutes, I started praying, "God, what would You have to do to get me home? What would I need to do to get back home...?" I was listening to a song by Atreyu at the time. My iPod has 559~ songs on it and the iPod was set to shuffle. This song, "Ravenous" was well ahead in that list with a few songs after it. The very next song I heard: "I Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot.

Okay, God, I hear You.

That started an interesting weekend. Friday night, I talked to my friend through the night and most of the next morning about different things concerning Christianity, why I don't believe macroevolution works but microevolution does, why Christianity seems elitist but isn't and other things like this. After a while of that, we talked about his faith a bit -- he likes looking at different structures and concepts, but never found one to settle on. The discussion was honestly pretty cool. One thing that he pointed out was that he liked the idea that I didn't immediately jump to the "Jesus therefore fills in this gap" conclusion; even though I believe in Him, I can't present Him as pure logic because faith is not entirely logical. Faith is a jump that every person must make.

Of course, I believe if you make the jump, then Jesus will catch you.

So Saturday, I went to see Polli's family. While there, I talked to his mom a bit and she invited me to church. As I was forming words for an answer, that song from Friday came back for a moment.

Okay, God: I hear You.

I would have said yes anyway, but now there was urgency. So I agreed to go. We had dinner and later thought about the invitation. I asked again about the invite and what time we were leaving (8:30 AM) and played cards with Polli until I went home around 11. Got home, played with my younger brother, woke up my roommate (I'm sorry, Byakuya. I love you, though ^_^), and went to bed around 2AM.

I was woken up by a knock at the door at 8:10 or so, so I lay there for another 10 minutes, then finally got dressed and packed my church essentials:

• a Bible. Yes, I brought one because I have one. What's the point of owning one you don't read? Yes, they did project the verses onto a screen. Bring your own anyway.
• paper. To take notes or draw.

Polli was up and his mom arrived as I was finishing my dressing cycle. We got going and I headed to church a bit. Felt good and well-rested. My younger brother said he wanted to go, but was sleeping like a champ....

...an undefeated world heavyweight champ...

We arrived on the scene and we took some seats in the back area, but near the front row of that area. The service went on and I took the words in. I didn't sing them, I took them in. I read them, I heard them, I thought about them. I thought about whether I believed them or not; mostly because I'm particular about singing things in church I don't mean (I know, weird, but it's who I am).

As the preaching went on, I drew. I took notes in the form of speech bubbles. The preacher was passionate and I loved that. I just liked him. After the message, Lisa (Polli's mom) walked to the front for prayer. I just stood there taking things in still. People were singing and praying. I listened. I watched.

And watched.

And listened.

That went on until Polli touched me on the shoulder. He had this look that I've only seen a few times since I've known him. Everything about the look said, "What do I do now?" I smiled a knowing smile. Just before that moment, I thought about walking with Lisa to the front, but held back, asking God if He wanted me to go; again, not a fan of walking to the front of the room for an altar call just because that's what other people are doing.

Seems like that was a good choice to make.

When we arrived there, we were surrounded by loving, well-meaning people that prayed for us for a while. Some of the prayers were general, some of the prayers were based on human understanding, some of them were God-inspired, some of them were in tongues, some of them made me wrinkle my forehead, sometimes it seemed like they wanted more to happen than either God or Polli were ready for. Honestly, I didn't feel like I needed anything more than to be there with my friend.

I prayed for others even as the people there were praying for me. I don't think they understood that, but it was ok as God was in the mix. I simply was content that God was doing what He wanted to. I was thankful that Polli could be there and more so that his mom, who prays so much for him, could be there to see him come to God like that. We spent the rest of that service and well into the next service praying with and for him. Some of the prayers seemed misguided, all of them were loving loving LOVING. I think it had been a while since they had seen him there praying like that and they wanted to get him moving as fast as they could into everything he'd missed.

My thoughts? Adorable. I think that he's off to a good start and God is a good finisher ;)

It felt good to be there. I stepped away for a moment to grab our things from the seats in the first service and came back where people were laughing and crying. As we talked, I brought up how, although I was happy about the small thing (which is no small thing) that God did in meeting me, I was happier for Polli and his mom. Then there was banter about, "Well, yeah, but it was probably even more awesome that He touched you...." and so it went. I smiled politely. Polli turned and hugged me (he hadn't heard anything as he was caught up and loving it).

I spent a while listening to the others talk for a bit and we headed off. We stood in the parking lot while Lisa went to the bathroom. We talked, we hugged some more. He didn't want to go to work...

Afterglow sucks sometimes lol.

After that we went home. He told someone at work briefly about his experience. He came in a little late, left a little early, and I like to think he appreciated the day a bit more. Resurrection Day (as I like to call it) isn't a one-time thing. It still happens to so many people at any time.

Funny aside: Lisa was asked to stay after service to help greet people for the second service that day. Turns out, they didn't need her at all. I smell a setup lol.

Another side note: Polli said no one knocked on my room door. I am not insane: someone did. Again, I sense a setup.

After that, I went to lunch with my younger brother (now awake), Philip and Korri. After that, we went to Best Buy (closed), then the park (after I changed clothes) and walked a few miles from my house to the track and back. We got some ice cream during the walk home, talked, and I took a nap.

Best day I've had in a while. The week will begin again. Work, bills, home life, and all of that, but for this little bit of time, I got to breathe and I am thankful for that.

deleting history

I have a livejournal account. That account is the very first venture I took into the world of blogging. Since then, I've been through xanga, this, wordpress, and others. Heard of a few other places, but didn't try them. I'll probably never have a tumblr -- don't really see how it will be more useful than this little spot right here anyway.

This is where those themes I keep revisiting about removing sentimental things comes up.

That livejournal account I have is the last decade of my life history. The writing drops off after 2005 or so, but I have things that I thought and felt and discovered during the first few months of my journey into life with Jesus on that blog. I have conversations I listed. Special things -- some flat-out miraculous -- that happened during that time.

I don't need those things to remember those events or how they feel. Besides, something that God taught me a long time ago is that faith is to be lived and not just remembered. Mind you, we need to recall things that God has done for us or for others , but that is for gathering the strength to do things in the here and now.

My faith is important to me and ten years of history in that will be lost. At the same time, I wonder if that matters. Those are lessons that are carved into me. Will I forget them? No, but I'll lose the purity of expression from that time.

So I'm teetering... Do I delete or not? Maybe I should just do it and not think about it.

today is the doing day

Today is the day of doing.

Today. Today. Today. Today is the day of doing.

What am I doing?

• donating books
• donating close
• giving sin smaller spaces

What do I mean?

Last night, I was having a chat with a newer friend of mine and he said something that inspired me to do brave things. What did he say?

ty: heheh your Character... I like it bro

It really was as simple as that. With that, I felt... armed to the the dangerous and impossible. Someone saw something in my character that was good. I liked that and I wanted to protect that statement.

Sometimes, all it takes is encouragement. In my case, when someone encourages me to do something good, I want to do things to protect the encouragement they gave me. I don't know if that makes sense to you.

It's like when your sibling says, "You're a good brother/sister" or when your parents say "You're a good son/daughter". It makes you want to do things so that they always see that in you no matter what.

I went and did some inventory and I cleaned up some things. Things that will make doing the wrong things harder to do and make doing the right things much easier. I was happy with that. I felt... well.... encouraged.

So thanks, Ty, and to all of you that have ever encouraged me to do the things I know to be true and good and noble. I thank all of you for that and I'll keep using that encouragement as power to do more good for myself and others.

In other news, I am putting rubber to road. Yesterday was a bad day for moving, but today is just fine. It's overcast, but not raining. Allow me to show you what we'll have here.

First, we have the books I need to donate:

... and the goodwill items...

There will be more of each of these in the future. I have some books I have decided to read, so as I read them and finish, I will be donating these books to the library as well. For now, this is a pretty big haul. I am excited about it; I'm getting things done and moving in a positive direction with my efforts. This is the beginning of many good things, so it's hard not to be excited (relatively).

I feel good. I'm going to take a shower and get started.

Whatever you are trying to do in order to improve, please remember: TODAY TODAY TODAY is the day of doing. TODAY.

fun tuesday

After spending several hours indulging in my own selfishness, I got out of the office and met up with a friend before his final exam. After he took me home, Brandon came over and chilled out with me. I was super hungry, but trying to wait until I met up with John a bit later.

He arrived and I was punctual in our leaving, not delaying anything. He was surprised. I was amused at his surprise. We went to Waffle House (WaHo) and got some food and talked a little. He wanted us to be together, the guys and his lady, as believers together. To share frustrations yes, but to encourage, too. I was ok with that.

The waiters were friendly and one of them has a lot of clothes. His name is Justin. He's friendly. We tipped him and went to John's house. Sophie greeted me at the door with all the enthusiasm she knew how to muster. So adorable. She pees when I pet her for the first 15 minutes of being at the house.

We talked about all sorts of things while we were there. Drama, life, work, God. We laughed and we were silent. I liked the steak and eggs I ordered (which I will probably order again soon. Maybe today) and all this. So much good going around the room. A lot of encouragement to do the things we should as people that love God and about different church issues and all of these things. All the hot topics and some of the not-so-important ones came up. We even took pictures of the dog playing with me -- she hopped up on me, put her arms on my shoulders, and tried to give me a hug.

That meant lots of pictures. I'm posting a few. Enjoy.

You can thank this lovely young lady for the photos:

We thought of the things we want to do in the future and different passions we have. It was a good night. When I got home, Brandon went home. John and I prayed for each other and for the church. I'm glad I went. I even used that moment of selfishness to pass along something good to others. It's amazing how much you can learn from even a frustrating experience if you are open to it.

Again, a good night with them.

After that, I got back home and talked to Reza for a while before he fell asleep after walking for a while with Andrew to a gas station. We talked about working out and diet and all these things. He's doing well and getting better. I am happy about that...

What an eventful night....

It was a good night, though. A good night.

hate from afar

I would think with all of the things that have happened in the last couple of years with people doing all of these varying things to end hate and violence and all of these things, that people would get it, but there's one type of hate that I really believe is here to stay.

To preface the rest of this blog, your author (me) is a christian. I'll give you a moment to process.

.

.

.

It started with my normal routine of checking on my timeline. I scrolled back a few hours and ran into this post here.

First thought, "Goodness, what on earth? Strong opinion, but ok..." Thought a lot of things. There are plenty of organizations -- even Christian ones -- that would just give the money or whatever without having to send a box of bibles, but even if they did, it's part of their faith. I think if someone is going to adhere to their faith, then good for them as long as they don't ignore obvious needs. In this case: don't send a box of bibles when people are freezing and starving; it is better faith to just send them food and blankets and maybe a letter.

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

That's James 2:14-17 and it's pretty black and white about situations like this. It's foolish and frustrating to people around you when they need things like clothing or food or basic things for you to go "We're praying for you"; give them an effin' blanket.

I went to this person's timeline to look at things and try to figure out where they are coming from. Again, because I believe that understanding is important; people listen to those that listen to them. This is some of what I find:

So much hatred from what I can see. Mind you, I understand frustration. I understand wanting to cockpunch people for being idiotic, but just all of the intensity of just hostility to christians. I'm not a fan of hating whole people groups or religious sects or things like that because I understand that people are individuals and should be given their own merits as such.

Honestly, I was hurt. It sucks knowing that they are saying all of these mean-spirited and disparaging things about me (since I'm included in that group, by definition to speak of one member in terms of that group is to talk about all members of that group. "Christians are stupid" means that all people known as Christians are stupid regardless of individual merit since they are addressed as a group and there is no modifier like "some").

I was going to write a full rant, but since I tweet a stream of connected thoughts, I'll post them all here for you. It's more stream-of-consciousness than anything. I removed hashtags to make things easier to follow.

I can understand where @japanphotos is coming from, but as a Christian, I wouldn't have sent a bible to people who are hungry and need food. It sucks, honestly. Nothing but anger and frustration and I haven't even met him yet. We may have been friends otherwise. I mean, I don't even know what to say sometimes. I've never let being a Christian give me a reason to hate anyone. At the same time, people seem to come up with more reasons to hate me sheerly on religious reasons even if I'm a cool guy otherwise. The kicker to all of this is that the people that hate me so much from afar are atheists. I mean, wouldn't a non-religious person find a reason other than religion to be angry at someone? Wouldn't there be further analysis? I think it is pretty obvious that some people, even well-meaning people, can be stupid, Christian, or both at the same time and just because someone is religious does not mean they have to be mean, pushy, forceful, unloving, or greedy, but you'll never know and the reason you won't know is because, without any further information, you make them an instant pariah in any way u can. I guess I'll just have to take it in stride and let you hate me if you want. Even all the way from Japan or wherever else in the world u r. Sometimes, the way everyone else reacts, I should be afraid to walk up to someone who knows I'm a christian and even ask change for $1. I have to chuckle; I bet the same people that would roast me for being a christian were on the bandwagon for the NOH8campaign...

I would say I'm mad, but more than that I'm hurt. Not surprised, not even shocked, but hurt. I wonder if I should even be that considering the following:

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me."

John 15:18-21. Mind you, this was being applied to the current "church establishment" at the time, but obviously religious people weren't the only ones that hated this Jesus guy, so let's get that out of the way...

You know, in spite of however I feel about it, I can't say I wasn't warned. I'm being warned right here, in black and white, that it's going to be a fact of life as long as I'm alive and I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it. Do I think that makes me special or a martyr? No. Not even close. At least people aren't (yet) throwing rocks and shooting at me because I'm a christian, but it means that I'm just going to be another one of them even in the world of social media.

Awesome.

hey God...

When I was in college, and since that time, I've always heard that people often avoid asking God for help or even talking to Him when things are going well, but seek Him furiously and without relent when they are in some kind of trouble to help. Thinking about that, it seemed odd to me; from what I have seen in church history, Christians do better when they are in need and worse when they have much as a general trend (specific cases usually lead to a breakdown at some point).

In any case, I thought myself to be in that odd crowd of people that, if I ever would need help, it would be at a time that everything looked like it was going well... and so, here I am. I find that writing helps me, and maybe this will help you.

I.

Need.

Help.

Repeat...

I.

Need.

Help.

I thank God for many things.

I have a good job. I get paid well and I even recently got a raise. My bosses treat me well and reward me when I do a good job. They are patient with me. They even recently gave me a raise and they always do what they can to keep the best for me in mind when they do or plan things. They value my input and they keep me engaged with what the company does. They even take the time to tell me, "Marquis, you do good work and we are glad you are here." That means a lot to me.

I have a good home that is conveniently near everything, yet far away enough from town to avoid noise and drunk people. The people in my neighborhood are friendly, but keep to themselves; I can talk if I want to and if I don't it is completely normal. I have access to a swimming pool for several months out of a year, even. I have two roommates that I get along with very well. We work hard. The bills get paid on time usually. I get along with my landlord well and he respects me greatly as I do him.

I have things. Good things. I own a macbook pro I got for free. I have enough clothes to wear. I have food and I haven't lacked much of anything at all in a very long time. It was hard getting here, but I made it. Not on my own -- never on my own -- but I made it.

Financially, I have never been this well-off in my life and it is pretty stable so far. I just got my tax return. I reached my second financial goal this year: I have $1000+ in my bank account (it's actually a lot more than that) and all of my bills are current, so I don't have to spend anything right now. I am about to put $500+ in savings. I've never done that before. I just got a $1400 tax return on my payday. Serendipity hardly even covers how I feel about this. I can buy a new computer, or a new phone, and the money I spend on it won't even be missed. I could buy a new iPad if I wanted to and it would be pocket change right now...

...but my heart....

I'm asking for help because over time and stress and circumstance, I think I love a little less. In my mind, I argue with people around me a lot. People in general frustrate me, actually. Forgiveness is harder and dismissing is a lot easier. I'm almost certain that I should care more about things, but I can't even remember what those things are. I should probably love people more, but they annoy me too much for me to even want to try let alone actually do it and, may I humbly remind myself, loving them is a command and not a suggestion. Tolerance isn't even. Being polite isn't enough. Compassion? A lost concept most times. I understand that it's something that I work on and will always need to. I understand that sometimes what I feel is compassion is just being a little naïve now and then, but something is not right and I can't put my finger on it.

I just don't want my soul to be lost. I don't want to be the guy that has everything, but ultimately has nothing. The house? My lease is up this month and I might be moving so what then? The job? Who knows what could happen? What then? Money? Things will happen that I'm not even prepared for and who knows what could happen. What then?

Love is important. Love is essential. Love is why we are here.....

....and yet I lack even the low levels of what I should have. I actually had to stop at work in the middle of work one day in the bathroom and pray for God to just teach me all over again if He has to what it means to love people. I can't understand why He does and how even less, but that's who he is so I need to follow that pattern.

So... God, I need help; teach me how to love again.