hey God...

When I was in college, and since that time, I've always heard that people often avoid asking God for help or even talking to Him when things are going well, but seek Him furiously and without relent when they are in some kind of trouble to help. Thinking about that, it seemed odd to me; from what I have seen in church history, Christians do better when they are in need and worse when they have much as a general trend (specific cases usually lead to a breakdown at some point).

In any case, I thought myself to be in that odd crowd of people that, if I ever would need help, it would be at a time that everything looked like it was going well... and so, here I am. I find that writing helps me, and maybe this will help you.

I.

Need.

Help.

Repeat...

I.

Need.

Help.

I thank God for many things.

I have a good job. I get paid well and I even recently got a raise. My bosses treat me well and reward me when I do a good job. They are patient with me. They even recently gave me a raise and they always do what they can to keep the best for me in mind when they do or plan things. They value my input and they keep me engaged with what the company does. They even take the time to tell me, "Marquis, you do good work and we are glad you are here." That means a lot to me.

I have a good home that is conveniently near everything, yet far away enough from town to avoid noise and drunk people. The people in my neighborhood are friendly, but keep to themselves; I can talk if I want to and if I don't it is completely normal. I have access to a swimming pool for several months out of a year, even. I have two roommates that I get along with very well. We work hard. The bills get paid on time usually. I get along with my landlord well and he respects me greatly as I do him.

I have things. Good things. I own a macbook pro I got for free. I have enough clothes to wear. I have food and I haven't lacked much of anything at all in a very long time. It was hard getting here, but I made it. Not on my own -- never on my own -- but I made it.

Financially, I have never been this well-off in my life and it is pretty stable so far. I just got my tax return. I reached my second financial goal this year: I have $1000+ in my bank account (it's actually a lot more than that) and all of my bills are current, so I don't have to spend anything right now. I am about to put $500+ in savings. I've never done that before. I just got a $1400 tax return on my payday. Serendipity hardly even covers how I feel about this. I can buy a new computer, or a new phone, and the money I spend on it won't even be missed. I could buy a new iPad if I wanted to and it would be pocket change right now...

...but my heart....

I'm asking for help because over time and stress and circumstance, I think I love a little less. In my mind, I argue with people around me a lot. People in general frustrate me, actually. Forgiveness is harder and dismissing is a lot easier. I'm almost certain that I should care more about things, but I can't even remember what those things are. I should probably love people more, but they annoy me too much for me to even want to try let alone actually do it and, may I humbly remind myself, loving them is a command and not a suggestion. Tolerance isn't even. Being polite isn't enough. Compassion? A lost concept most times. I understand that it's something that I work on and will always need to. I understand that sometimes what I feel is compassion is just being a little naïve now and then, but something is not right and I can't put my finger on it.

I just don't want my soul to be lost. I don't want to be the guy that has everything, but ultimately has nothing. The house? My lease is up this month and I might be moving so what then? The job? Who knows what could happen? What then? Money? Things will happen that I'm not even prepared for and who knows what could happen. What then?

Love is important. Love is essential. Love is why we are here.....

....and yet I lack even the low levels of what I should have. I actually had to stop at work in the middle of work one day in the bathroom and pray for God to just teach me all over again if He has to what it means to love people. I can't understand why He does and how even less, but that's who he is so I need to follow that pattern.

So... God, I need help; teach me how to love again.