my-sexual

In relation to this post, I received a couple of emails. I am going to blockquote them, then comment and then inject my other thoughts. In short, I'm just making another entry while passing time until my next meeting for today.

Marquis. I really don't even know how to say anything in response to this that would be the appropriate thing to say. I hope that by now you know me and love me enough to take whatever I say without censorship the way that I intend for it to be, but I can only hope. My personal opinion is that you are probably in the same boat as I am -- not really gay, but not really anything else. I have done a lot of research on "gender queer," "bisexuality," and a whole bunch of other boxes that I seem to fit in pretty well....and yet not quite enough to accept it. I think you are "gay" in that you aren't going to find a straight female who will date you. If you want to know why, it's not because of anything other than insecurities. You are much too talented, too beautiful, too sensitive, and too perfect in any way for any girl to date you without being in denial that you very well could be gay. That being said, my favorite people in the entire world are gay men... My point is this: once he decided to be true about who he was, as much as he DOES NOT WANT TO BE, he makes sense. Everything about his actions my whole life that didn't make sense suddenly do. His emotions make sense. Yours do too. They only don't make sense in the context that you are still defining yourself. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't take my personal opinion as your definition of yourself either. If you end up coming to the conclusion that you are not, feel free to correct me. I will love you NO MATTER WHAT your outcome is, simply because I love YOU. You are a wonderful person in every way. You are laughable in how you don't see yourself the way everyone else sees you though. I remember a conversation I had with you one time (and here's a little secret for you to mull over: you were talking to me about [X] and [Y] around the time that [X] got super jealous of me...and [they] probably should have because I had a pretty major crush on you at that time). Anyway, the conversation was about how you admired other guys for the way they looked, for their muscles, for their manliness. I just remember thinking, "Wow, I think we all do that thing where we see each other as completely inferior to how we really are." It was such an epiphany for me because I thought only girls were that way, but you let me see into this whole world of male insecurities - which is great, by the way, because growing up with 4 brothers obviously didn't help me a lot in that department because I always just felt inferior to them because of my emotions and insecurities. Anyway, I absolutely cherish those random car rides we took and all the other long conversations we had because I was completely free to be myself around you and I never met any man more like me in my life. You are like my siamese twin in so many ways, you just have no idea. And I apologize for that. In all those times you were completely open and honest with me, I was honest but not as open. For example: I wish I could have told you about all the complicated relationship things I had with [Z]...they are exactly what came to mind when you wrote (and I paraphrase): it's not weak, I went through hell to get to this point.

There are very few people in this world who can be trusted with things like emotions. I have learned to discern who those people are. If they trust you with their vulnerabilities and they are comfortable in admitting their weaknesses, then the chances are they can be trusted with yours (of course you have to watch out for the ones that know how to imitate those people.....like most youth pastors). Anyway, you are on chat, so I'm going to stop spewing verbal vomit, let you read this much, and then maybe have the guts enough to finish this conversation in real time.

So much of this made me smile -- actually, all of it did -- but also provoked so much thought about the subject. It's not like I haven't thought about these things before. Actually, it's funny -- most of my current group of friends have come to the conclusion that I'm my own brand of sexuality altogether. I would be remiss if I didn't include the rest of the convo I had with this writer, so let's do that. I'll leave their words in bold as they are more important. If I say anything noteworthy, I'll italicize. I'll also edit things out that are confidential about the other person. As far as things with me go, I'll leave without edit.

6:12:57 PM : are you there
6:13:05 PM : mmhmm
6:13:30 PM : you ok?
6:13:36 PM : i'm ok.
6:13:37 PM : you?
6:13:40 PM : i'm writing you a ridiculously long email right now
6:13:47 PM : i'm ready for it lol
6:26:10 PM : it was sent already 6:26:16 PM : did you read it
6:26:20 PM : not yet.
6:26:34 PM : where did you send?
6:27:48 PM : yahoo 6:27:54 PM : don't know why i didn't think 6:27:55 PM : hm 6:27:58 PM : i'm on gmail 6:28:00 PM : and he's on gmail 6:28:04 PM : i should send it to gmail 6:28:06 PM : retard
6:28:58 PM : ah
6:29:00 PM : just got it
6:29:03 PM : that one
6:29:04 PM : this should be interestin
6:32:17 PM : finished reading
6:32:20 PM : hope you aren't offended 6:32:27 PM : i couldn't be further from it 6:32:29 PM : not my intention 6:32:30 PM : k 6:32:35 PM : so thoughts...feelings?
6:32:40 PM : it comes from you and that can't have any ill intent in it.
6:33:12 PM : first thing >> You are much too talented, too beautiful, too sensitive, and too perfect in any way for any girl to date you without being in denial that you very well could be gay.
6:33:14 PM : serious?!
6:33:22 PM : had to laugh a little when I saw this
6:34:48 PM : ha 6:34:51 PM : it's a true story 6:35:15 PM : and i just want to say that you are COMPLETELY yourself around other gays 6:35:19 PM : like me or [P]
6:35:27 PM : and not around other people?
6:35:40 PM : you are more inhibited
6:36:08 PM : I can't help it that my job says I can't wear pink shirts and flip flops in summer or I would.
6:36:15 PM : or unless they are someone like Michelle Mullins who are just awesome period
6:36:22 PM : very true
6:36:24 PM : other than that, there are so many things to think about everything you said and some of that is just profound. Other parts, I don't know how to deal with because I don't know what to say about all of it. Am I trying to define myself? Yes. Maybe uncover would be a good word instead.
6:36:42 PM : yes, that would be a better word
6:36:48 PM : Some of it, unless I'm like 100% ready for it, I don't want to even get into.
6:37:57 PM : I wish you would let yourself get into a relationship with a man....if not just to see if you find yourself more clearly then
6:38:09 PM : Honestly speaking, there is a strong possibility I could just be bi-sexual. I'm fine with that, but it would make people's worlds implode. Aside from that, I don't want to say something I don't have the experience to say. I'm myself most of the time around other non-gay people too (ask my roommate, he's like "i'm getting 3rd degree burns from the fierceness")
6:38:34 PM : i'm in another relationship with a woman....an amazing woman who is unfortunately 20 years my senior - and only unfortunate in that it adds to the social awkwardness of the fact that we are both female
6:38:36 PM : and as for your last statement: believe me, I have thought about it. A lot actually.
6:38:37 PM : here's the thing though 6:38:52 PM : i'm not with her BECAUSE she is female or BECAUSE she is not male 6:38:54 PM : it's not that it all 6:39:02 PM : that's why i still don't consider myself a lesbian
6:39:12 PM : it's because you love who she is
6:39:19 PM : and that happens to be in the body of a female
6:39:20 PM : it's because she's a beautiful person and we are compatible in so many ways and we both make each other feel better about being ourselves
6:39:27 PM : if she were male, you would love her just as much
6:39:54 PM : exactly
6:40:00 PM : i see that.
6:40:08 PM : so that's why i put myself in the "bixexual" category
6:40:09 PM : HOWEVER 6:40:22 PM : bisexuality has so many stigmas that I clearly don't accept
6:40:28 PM : that's... i see what you mean there in the journal when you say we are siamese twins.
6:40:39 PM : i just don't think we're made for these labels, [P]
6:41:07 PM : and that's my curse. i'll always know who i am when i don't turn my head away from the truth, but there isn't a word for it and that sucks.
6:41:16 PM : yeah
6:41:31 PM : and i guess i'm not perfect because i would know otherwise
6:41:38 PM : but if it is of any consolation
6:41:43 PM : i told [P] (before we were together) that I was somewhere in between bisexual and asexual
6:41:50 PM : ahh....just short of perfection then
6:42:01 PM : most people i know who know me know i am curious about guys
6:42:03 PM : my mom knows
6:42:09 PM : she was the first person i told
6:42:14 PM : and it wasn't hard
6:42:14 PM : because i'm not sexually attracted to men or women 6:42:21 PM : but i'm attracted to both men and women 6:42:22 PM : but then not 6:42:24 PM : lol
6:42:28 PM : i just told her "well, if i love someone i love them."
6:42:47 PM : and then when I'm with [P], I'm attracted to her, but I would NEVER have been attracted to her like in a magazine or something 6:42:54 PM : she's not my type at ALL 6:42:59 PM : and, just like you, the attraction isn't really a physical thing
6:43:08 PM : right
6:43:22 PM : it's a personality thing. not what you say, but how. the way a conversation flows.
6:43:23 PM : so i saw this documentary on netflix about gender queer 6:43:33 PM : and the STRICT definition is probably the most accurate
6:43:40 PM : go on
6:43:50 PM : but then all of the examples they used in the movie, i was like, uh....well, THAT'S not me
6:43:55 PM : lol you know what's funny
6:44:04 PM : because the girls wanted their boobs off but to keep their vaginas
6:44:12 PM : or they wanted sex changes altogether 6:44:22 PM : and i was like...hm...i thought that was trans
6:44:23 PM : all of my friends and i have come to the same conclusion: i'm not gay, bi, or str8. i am my own sexual orientation lol
6:44:49 PM : yeah, [P] tells me the same thing
6:44:57 PM : i love [P]
6:44:59 PM : she says "[P], your orientation is Love."
6:45:08 PM : she's my hero now
6:45:12 PM : i love her 6:45:22 PM : i'm seriously not a whole person without her in my life 6:45:39 PM : [P] and i were together, and then not, and then we were, and then we weren't
6:45:43 PM : i think that makes friendships sweeter tho
6:45:46 PM : and it was the worst and best times of my life
6:46:00 PM : because we went through a lot of the "wait, my religion hates me" phases together
6:46:19 PM : our friendships are much deeper than most, but it's because we allow other kinds of emotions in friendships other people don't
6:46:41 PM : and we dug deep into "is this who we are? is this demonic? am i possessed? was i born this way? was i conditioned to be this way? do i really love you or is it that you are the first person to really get me?"
6:47:00 PM : i think it's all of that
6:47:08 PM : exactly. i told [P] that she's spoiled me because now most other friendships feel too cheap to be worth it
6:47:12 PM : and i do operate that way
6:47:17 PM : i used to have a TON of friends 6:47:22 PM : now i'm extremely choosy
6:47:22 PM : operate how?
6:48:05 PM : operate in such a way that i do not settle for cheap friendships anymore
6:48:31 PM : if someone doesn't accept me as me, then i ditch them
6:48:49 PM : actually, ironically enough, [P] didn't accept me because she tried to force me into the lesbian category
6:48:52 PM : and I refused
6:49:07 PM : It was the weirdest thing not to be accepted on the other end of the scale
6:49:24 PM : it makes perfect sense.
6:49:26 PM : like being a mixed child and being called white by whites and black by blacks
6:49:45 PM : mixexual...that's my new definition 6:49:49 PM : lol 6:49:50 PM : just kidding
6:49:52 PM : "it's not that i'm *not* that, but I'm not *just that*"
6:50:10 PM : [P] called me a lightswitch lesbian
6:50:19 PM : and that's a problem for people. my friend brandy had a dream long ago.
6:50:33 PM : and lipstick lesbian seems to define me okay....until it ONLY allows me to be attracted to women
6:50:43 PM : dream 6:50:47 PM : about you?
6:50:49 PM : she said, "i really think you're bi and i love you and you are crazy and relentless. i need to have a cigarette after what happened in that dream"
6:50:52 PM : and yes, about me
6:51:01 PM : wow. did she tell you about what?
6:51:19 PM : she said there were sexual things. hence the cig.
6:51:21 PM : because i think i would need details after that sort of response to a dream with me in it
6:51:22 PM : lol
6:51:28 PM : she refused flat out to tell me what happened
6:51:35 PM : i guess so...
6:51:46 PM : funny that
6:52:14 PM : but she's like "you're a very free spirited guy. we might not ever be able to say you are this or that, but we love you anyway..."
6:52:43 PM : there HAS to be something that we fit into....there's more than one of us to be sure
6:52:49 PM : the thing is, all the way to the core, i know that i'm not gay, but by all proper definitions of straight, i'm not that either.
6:52:53 PM : what's the word for that?
6:53:00 PM : and i think most of the ones who feel the way we do simply just settle for one or the other
6:53:04 PM : i have a libido so low i think someone stole mine
6:53:10 PM : most of the time
6:53:10 PM : hahaha, me too
6:53:22 PM : and if people are settling, then what are we when we don't
6:53:23 PM : ?
6:53:51 PM : but i will just say as far as libido goes, find a good person and you will find it shows up in the appropriate places....kinda
6:53:59 PM : [P] and i are not going to have sex....but we talk about it
6:54:04 PM : lol
6:54:04 PM : and we were cracking up last night 6:54:13 PM : because she said something about how weird kissing is 6:54:27 PM : and i said "oh my gosh! i think about those things all the time! how weird are they!" 6:54:34 PM : lol
6:54:42 PM : and why is kissing weird?
6:54:44 PM : and then we determined that a big chunk of our issues with libido are that we overthink
6:54:49 PM : lol
6:54:53 PM : actually laughing
6:54:57 PM : "i'll suck on your lips if you suck on mine"
6:55:17 PM : only we could think so much about something that it suppresses even instincts. we're so jacked up.
6:55:23 PM : "hey, can you stick that in me? i have this growing urge for you to rub up on me now"
6:55:30 PM : hahaha
6:56:21 PM : oh wow. awkward.
6:56:32 PM : ok
6:56:35 PM : sex is awkward 6:56:37 PM : just saying 6:56:39 PM : lol
6:56:42 PM : true that
6:56:44 PM : and jacking off is the weirdest thing in the world
6:56:51 PM : you would think.
6:56:55 PM : i never could masturbate (tmi?)
6:57:03 PM : it always just felt so stupid
6:57:09 PM : (nah, you're fine. i'm okay with it now)
6:57:32 PM : if i was a guy, i'd be just....ugh 6:57:38 PM : i would not ever want to be a guy
6:57:42 PM : it's odd. to be square on that, i actually did that a few times to figure out what everyone made such a big deal about.
6:57:45 PM : i did when i was younger...but not anymore
6:57:56 PM : and you concluded?
6:57:58 PM : you did? you?! omg.
6:58:20 PM : wait. 6:58:23 PM : why such surprise?
6:58:58 PM : i can see where someone could be like "this is interesting" or even "this feels good", but people who have to do that two or three times a day every day? i couldn't imagine. it's too much work for no reason and requires people to work too hard to stimulate themselves. i'll just have a sandwich.
6:58:59 PM : ok, [P] tells me that I'm very feminine....and I'm like huh!? Everyone always called me butch or dyke
6:59:05 PM : not at all
6:59:11 PM : i think you are very feminine too
6:59:14 PM : hahaha 6:59:27 PM : on the sandwich part
6:59:30 PM : you're feminine to the core, just not tame.
6:59:41 PM : what does that even mean?
6:59:45 PM : you're not docile or especially submissive unless it makes sense to be
6:59:51 PM : hm 6:59:53 PM : interesting
6:59:58 PM : and that's what people expect from females
6:59:59 PM : i always felt pretty tomboyish
7:00:09 PM : submission (no matter how it is worded)
7:00:13 PM : even when i was a soccer player you thought i was feminine?
7:00:28 PM : yes. why do you have to be un-feminine to play soccer?
7:01:01 PM : i don't know....sweaty and wearing warm-ups all day long and hair up and aggressive...etc are all kinda butchy, don't you think?
7:01:18 PM : you could have just taken an aerobics class.
7:01:23 PM : you still like earrings
7:01:33 PM : it's not like you wear overalls and carry a wrench all day
7:01:36 PM : you liked a sport
7:01:38 PM : hahaha
7:02:22 PM : it would be different if it were like "she's trying awfully hard to be boy like" or even if you had a lot of masculine features which would be cause for me to say "she looks very dude-ly"
7:02:24 PM : but you don't
7:02:25 PM : you are going to have to wikipedia all the words that i used earlier that you don't know....like lipstick lesbian and genderqueer
7:02:44 PM : hm. 7:02:49 PM : dudely 7:02:58 PM : ok but what about this 7:03:01 PM : remember [P]
7:03:25 PM : that guy who did music mixes and was kinda gross - both in personality and in looks
7:03:28 PM : lol
7:03:33 PM : ok
7:03:46 PM : one time he and i were in the computer room and he was hitting on me 7:03:53 PM : and i was definitely giving him the cold shoulder 7:04:15 PM : well, then he went into this whole thing about how guys have this imaginary list of girls that are on the gaydar 7:04:33 PM : and i was definitely on it and that's why no guys would be interested in me past maybe a carnal attraction 7:04:49 PM : then he went on to list a whole bunch of guys and girls as an example of what he was talking about 7:04:58 PM : and i'm pretty sure he was right about 90% of them 7:05:12 PM : and that rocked my world in a pretty sad way 7:05:22 PM : because i became self-conscious in a bad way
7:05:24 PM : how much of that list can u remember?
7:05:29 PM : a bit 7:05:35 PM : why?
7:05:58 PM : curious
7:06:05 PM : of who was on it
7:06:19 PM : yup
[not needed for understanding]
7:07:27 PM : lol have to laugh there.
7:07:35 PM : laugh at which part
7:08:11 PM : the whole thing
7:08:13 PM : that's just funny
7:11:44 PM : it's sad to me that there were that many people (and so many more) who didn't feel comfortable being themselves
7:11:55 PM : and had to invent another persona that would be more "acceptable" to people
7:12:12 PM : lol me and you would be the only people sensitive to that anyway
7:12:44 PM : maybe so
7:13:03 PM : [P] is trying really hard to be straight right now
7:13:15 PM : hm why?
7:13:15 PM : because of where she is with her beliefs
7:14:08 PM : i've gotten to a point where i know that God loves me because of who I am and if where I am at this point in my life is contrary to Him or His will in my life, that He is going to give me grace in it because He knows that it is because of my integrity that I don't "go straight"
7:14:57 PM : right. i think he expects honesty from us first and foremost
7:15:11 PM : and if it is something to correct then he will correct it.
7:15:17 PM : and i think that truth and love are much more important to Him than we think....and that all the other things we focus on way too much are not at all important to Him without those two things
7:15:31 PM : galatians 5 agrees
7:15:39 PM : which is why i don't go to church right now
7:15:48 PM : hm. go thre.
7:15:50 PM : *go there
7:16:54 PM : because the act of going to church became a mindless ritual that made me feel like a better Christian...when I looked back and realized that the times I was closest to God were the times that I was in complete anguish and crying out to Him for answers instead of leaning on empty cliches or other people's experiences of God and their relationship with Him
7:17:01 PM : too many boxes way smaller than God
7:17:41 PM : I'm not saying that what I believe or my methods are true or right in any way 7:17:51 PM : But they are as true and right to me as I can make them for now
7:17:54 PM : very true in some respects, but i don't think the baby should be thrown out with the bathwater. i've been thinking about going back to church for a while. at the same time, it feels like strange territory.
7:18:05 PM : same here 7:18:22 PM : i was going to go to an episcopal church in toccoa 7:18:26 PM : i just haven't yet
7:18:42 PM : like if i go "in there" and tell them what's going on "out here" they'll just look at me like i'm nuts.
7:18:49 PM : go on youtube sometime (or rent it) "The Bible Tells Me So" documentary
7:18:54 PM : mind you, i think there's good things going on out here.
7:19:03 PM : i was talking to a gay co-worker last week
7:19:10 PM : and it made her want to read her bible.
7:19:16 PM : cool deal
7:19:21 PM : she wants to understand and explore
7:19:38 PM : and that's what i want too
7:19:38 PM : she had a brother who was like "you're going to hell and god hates you because you are gay"
7:19:54 PM : i hate that the arch-enemy of the gay community is automatically assumed to be Christians
7:20:09 PM : me too and chris moore too btw
7:20:14 PM : and even moreso that Christians take on that role
7:20:24 PM : I LOVE LOVE LOVE [P] and his blogs
7:20:33 PM : and I had a MAJOR crush on him for a while too
7:20:37 PM : and i said, it's not my place to judge and the whole topic of god and being gay gets sticky, but god loves us all no matter what even when he doesn't agree with everything we do.
7:20:57 PM : it's funny to me that we all are idiots like 194797 times per day
7:21:13 PM : but yet we feel like being gay is the exception that breaks God's tolerance and love for us
7:21:33 PM : more than that, because he made us, we all have dignity as a human being, and no one who degrades that really loves God
7:21:49 PM : truth.
7:21:50 PM : it is a dangerous thing to say someone God made is defective, stupid, or worthless.
7:22:23 PM : and yet without Him, we all are defective, worthless, and stupid
7:22:30 PM : and then i told her about some things I saw in the bible about relationships (she doesn't know that I'm christian)
7:22:45 PM : (that's probably a good thing)
7:23:06 PM : and now i'm going to have to go start reading it again too...i'm a little rusty
7:23:37 PM : at one time i knew the Bible so well that I became a destructive source to everyone, even myself
7:24:05 PM : hm
7:24:08 PM : give me one moment, ok?
7:24:18 PM : oh and btw, i told her i was
7:24:21 PM : and she was amazed
7:24:33 PM : she didn't know that there were christians that think that way
7:24:52 PM : I was like "yeah, there are christians. we might not agree, but we love you still."
7:25:09 PM : and we're not all out to get you and we don't think god hates you
7:25:16 PM : actually...can we continue this conversation later? i promised Chris ([P]'s son) I would play the wii with him and he's been waiting....plus this conversation is virtually endless
7:25:18 PM : and it makes us mad that people make you think that
7:25:21 PM : lol
7:25:23 PM : it is
7:25:26 PM : but all of our convos are
7:25:29 PM : we just flow
7:25:32 PM : true story
7:25:35 PM : in any case, get going
7:25:36 PM : it's cuz i love you 7:25:38 PM : k
Changed status to Offline (7:25:54 PM)

That's a lot of what I think right there about most of the subject, but as is always the case with me, there's a lot I leave out. In the middle of my thoughts about all of this, I left a tweet which, after this turn and that, brought about another email from another friend. Check it out:

Marquis,

I just finished reading your blog post and the correspondences between [P] and yourself. I want you to know this: I Love you. Period. I don't care about what labels society tags you with, what you do or who you want to be with. I don't give a shit about meaningless labels because they are just that - meaningless. They could never encompass who anyone is on a whole. The whole point of them is to pigeon-hole people into what society deems as being "right" today, "wrong" tomorrow. Fuck that. Anything based outside of your self, your soul, your light, outside of YOU is meaningless. If your soul doesn't label itself, I don't see the point in letting society do it either.

I Love you because you of who you are. You are one of the lone people I know whose soul engulfs their body and not the other way around. To say that is beautiful would be an understatement. I was trying to think of how to describe you but the fact is this: anything I would tell you would be a label. It didn't take me long at all, however, to come up with a solid reason for why I Love you. I Love you because you are a soul that Loves and that is enough for me.

Basically what I'm trying to say is this: I am here for you if you ever need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I welcome you with open arms and accept you as you were, as you are, and as you will be. I know that sounds super cliche but know I don't say what I don't mean and when I mean something, you can count on it til I make it to the grave (and then some). You are more than bullshit labels. You, my dear friend, are the universe encompassed in a body. You.are.everything and that is awe-inspiring. At the end of the day, nothing else matters.

Keep radiating that powerful light of yours, keep giving hope to those you come in contact with, and know in your heart there are people who Love you: no strings attached, and nothing but Love expected in return.

Te quiero muchísimo!

After this email, I felt better, but there's still so much to be considered about what all of this means. Being unable to be uncategorized is a very unique kind of freedom, but also very frustrating. More later. I might even add.