With Trepidation

Sometimes, I really wonder about things. My curiosities on so many levels -- one in particular -- versus all of the newness that's been coming up and about in the last few days.

You know, I don't know what to make of that. In the last few years, I've done a lot of things that I didn't think I would really want to do. Like drinking. I haven't gotten drunk and I've never had anything against drinking at all, actually, but I didn't really think I would.

I have two more Smirnoffs in the fridge if anyone wants one.

Then there are the other things lurking around in my brain that have been partly explored (I suppose), but not in any tangible way; that is to say, I've not ran into someone in the street, bar, club, library and so on. I do have to wonder about all of these things and when they'll come up when things are changing like they are now.

The good news is that I've kept myself out of trouble and that the "trouble" I do get into now and then I keep off radar (aka not on social media for the whole world to see and know about other than you guys via my writing here). Sometimes I wonder about things like:

• should I do ____?
• if I take things any further, how long would it take for all of that to catch me? anything in darkness will be revealed the moment i step into the light -- even a sliver of it.

I suppose, in the end, whatever comes will come and I will cross each bridge (and burn it behind me) as I come to it or across it. Unfortunately for all of these concerns, which I am sure certain someones would want to paralyze me, but I come back to the joy I am so thirsty for and my nearly inexhaustible hunger for truth, love, and relationship.

I haven't come into the office dancing like I did this morning in some time. I haven't smiled at the mention of the word "Jesus" in I can't think of how long (even though it inherently makes me happy). It's not that I've been unhappy, it's... it's like playing the first mario game or Sonic the Hedgehog 2 for me. The game are so simplistic in comparison to the games I play now, but they're still so much fun to play and enjoy and remember.

...and I'm so desperate (God only knows where it came from) for this all of a sudden that the potentially long list of embarrassing consequences I imagine aren't even a minor deterrent.

In short: I'm a hot mess.