after the mountains

The trip home was filled with much laugher and road rage and I felt better. We joked about a lot until we got home where we separated. After John went home, I walked into my room, unfurled, and lie down. Polli was near me and asked my thoughts. I asked him if he wanted to know. After a bit of discussion around this idea, we talked and I didn't seem as stupid as he thought I was at the time.

It was a lot of talking, then hugs. Understanding. A bit of laughter and then he had to depart for the night.

I lay here thinking about what I did this weekend and what I didn't do. I didn't do my Bible reading this weekend. I will simply pick up where I left off tomorrow and be content with that.

Tonight, one of the things Polli and I talked about were screensavers. When a screensaver is running, things are going on, but you can't see them because the screensaver is in your way. A lot of my guy friends are in relationships or are actively trying to form them and when they do, they go into that mode. It's saddening.

It was saddening to think that, as close as Polli and I are (and there are no words for that closeness), that maybe one day, like Brandon, he will not want to be close. It hurts to think that the friends I have now may not be as close next year. They may not be friends at all by then. They may have changed in one way or another so radically, that I can't be a part of their lives anymore. That hurts, but I have to realize that, even if I want you -- all of you -- I can't make you stay. I can't keep you. I have to enjoy you as I have you and when/if the time comes, I must let you go with grace and peace, not causing petty drama because I don't understand why you're going.

When I said this, Polli just hugged me for a while and said nothing. I understand that silence. I want to keep him always, but if I can't, I'll love him while I have him and any of my other friends.

A saddening side note, Quan's gf broke up with him. I don't know why yet. I think I'll find out tomorrow. It's going to be hard on both of them and I don't know what or if there will be anything left of the relationship to pick up. This is one thing he wanted for a long time, and then to have it, plus... well... other things... and suddenly have both of those things removed is going to be more than he'll be able to handle well. This hurt will run deeper than he'll wish it to and he's naturally pessimistic.

*sigh*

My friends have gone through enough hell, I pray God makes me some kind of channel for peace to reach them.