09: what i learned

I suppose it would be easier to feel angry at (or just badly about) 2009 and everything that happened. It really would, but I don't want to have gone through all of that without learning things -- and I did learn things. Quite a few things.

One of the biggest lessons was simplicity. There were so many times during the year when people would offer their explanations as to why they felt this and that, only to go to the polar opposite of those same feelings or ideas sometimes moments later. We -- not just them, but also myself about many things -- would go from this end to that trying to give ourselves a reason to do or not do something that was important. Relationships broke asunder and everyone came up with a reason to avoid it -- "don't wanna deal with drama", "don't want to talk to people that are mad at me", "hard to talk when there is so much tension", "don't know how to talk to people when they are like this" -- but ignored the simple truth that if you love someone, you work things out. You ask questions, you get answers, you make compromises, and most importantly, you persist.

Then there were the "I like you, but..." or "I want to ____ with you, but...." I learned that if you want something, then you move toward it somehow and you don't turn back when things are hard. Some people can be hard to get on with sometimes, but you don't run. You deal. When you're hurting, don't push people away. Let them love you and help. They usually want to if they are your friends (novel concept).

Tying into the above two, I add another lesson. When it is time, it is time. Learn to let go. I had so many people drop me in the last year and as much as I hated it, I had to let them go; no matter what I may want or wish, it takes two people to make any relationship work and if one person decides to stop working on it, then it starts to die. When one person wants the relationship to live and the other doesn't care if it lives or dies, what should you do? My heart is always to persist, but it drained me of my ability to enjoy and nurture relationships that were healthy in addition to denying me the joy of feeling the love of other people around me since I was so focused on fixing a relationship that only I cared about. I had to grow enough of a backbone to let things go. Mind you, it is always harder to love than to not love, but for people like me, it is hard to give up once you have committed to something; to walk away from a place where love once was instead of trying to revive it. I'm a fighter and the love I have been given, I work hard to nurture and protect. That being said, it is hard for me to let things go and even harder to walk away, but this year, I was forced to do both several times.

It's harder to do the first time, but the ones that come after are also hard. It always is. It's just that things start to become more firm inside of me. I gain a greater sense of what I am worth when I take the time to remove things from my life that hurt me and ignore things that negatively impact me while focusing on the things I wish to have.

I've learned about the miracles that basic levels of compassion bring. For many people, I'm one of the most accepting people they've ever met (and this in spite of the fact that I would fall under the category of fundamental christian if you were to examine closely for most of my beliefs about things). I am able to accept others because I have been rejected many, many times over (don't even get me started... don't have enough snacks for that pity party so it got cancelled with the quickness). It caused people to open up, to recognize that people cared and that life might be worth another shot and that is beautiful to me. Even if it isn't always returned, sharing it is reward enough.

I've learned much about the worthlessness of excuses and the quiet strength you find in simply admitting that you were wrong and making the appropriate steps to correct the problem. Much.

I've developed an alter ego because of the three months I spent with my emotions turned inward. His name is Erik. At first, it was an effort to resist being emotional. Then it cooled into cold anger and apathy. I tried to get out of the house to give myself a break from it, but I couldn't really, so it ended up becoming a different person in essence. It was hard. The difference was drastic. To explain the difference, I will use an anime clip. See below:

This is a nice example of what happened during that time. If you watch episode 235 of this show, you can also see Ichigo's own thoughts about this guy and from there gather how Erik and I feel about one another. He came to be because, after the day RM and I made amends, that darker me refused to vanish altogether. He appeared to me in a dream a week later. He looks like me, but behind him were black, angry thunderclouds. As the lightning flashed, I could see dark clothing -- a black shirt and jeans. Nothing special about these things. He said his name was Erik, then the dream ended and I was ejected into consciousness. Since then, it has been a conscious effort to keep this side of my personality from emerging and destroying everything I love. Here's an idea of what that battle looked like (the frozen frame says enough honestly, but you should watch the whole thing):

Since then, it's been mania trying to contain him. Well, at first it was. Now, it's not so bad. At the same time, he gets a little more of a sense of self with the passing of time. I've come to the conclusion that he's not something I can squash or remove without destroying a part of myself. As such, although I would rather not have to deal with him often if at all, I recognize him and his function within me -- if I weren't so reckless, so emotional, so caring for people that don't always care about me, then he wouldn't exist, but he does. The world can be kind of fucked up sometimes and he protects the small piece of me that loves. If it weren't for him protecting me for those three months, I would have lost my ability to love altogether -- these things I see in retrospect. I'll tell you more about what he's like at another time.

I've seen more than I would like of heartbreak. I've been the person that has brought much bad news to people this past year. I dreamt about breakups before they happened and warned people accordingly. I've had to tell people "she doesn't like you dude, she's just being nice. She told me that long ago and I told her to tell you, but she wouldn't and I'm not going to watch you waste your time on someone that doesn't even care enough about you to tell you what's up..." I've had people tell me, "when you're mad, I don't want to be around." To be clear, I don't explode when angry, I just speak less. What I lack in explosive anger, I make up in the sheer power of it. My anger puts off its own tangible energy. It's a shame that at the moments that you want people around most (or even need them most), they want to be around least, but that's the way things are... oh well, the point is that I learned that things aren't always what I wish and I've become more of a warrior because of that in some ways... actually, more ways that I would like and in more than one way that I don't want.

I've also learned much about friendship. There were long nights alone and long nights talking with friends until we were exhausted. Hugs and cuddles and many other bits of joy woven into this otherwise tragic tapestry. Thinking about it, I learned to treasure the simpler of joys because that was all I was allowed at any given time. I took walks by a nearby park stream and felt such peace. I laughed as thunderstorms raged outside thinking, "I know how you feel..." I listened to Sade by candlelight and those moments where I connected and received and gave love... I'll hold them in my heart always.

I asked questions. This part is a big one to me because of what the questions were. Questions about who I am. Questions that I didn't know how to ask. Sexuality questions and the other side questions that come with that (exactly what size is that anyway?). I looked for answers and explored. I pondered things from all sides. I asked questions. I got input from my friends and you guys, too. This blog was closed for a long time, but slowly, I think the world of this blog is becoming larger and I have you guys to thank for it in part.

Thank you very much.

I have pondered being straight, bi, and gay. I have pros and cons, reasons that it would be good for me, bad for me, or neither. For those still reading to this point, I'm 27. I didn't even consider the my sexual side on any level until I was 26. There were a few things that happened in that year. I learned that certain things didn't bother me as much as I thought they would. I learned that other things bothered me a lot. I learned and learned, but I have so many questions in front of me. So much is unexplored and so much of my identity remained in a shadow. Where I was afraid to explore before, I am not now. I've discovered much on many levels. I got to hold something wonderful in my arms for just a little while before it faded due to these explorations and for that moment, however brief, I will always be thankful. I am one that believes that there is a time to things and that everything has their time of pre-eminence in our lives. As far as these questions are concerned, I see plenty of space here and I can see why these questions come at this time...

... this is a good time for me to have these questions and even more so because I have so many of you now following these posts now. Between my natural curiosities and your responses, I'm sure I'll have tons of fun finding the answers even if I ultimately decide that it is better not to know XD

I spent most of this blog alone for the first year, but now I have some people to share my journey and the discoveries along the way. Thanks for joining me. I'm grateful.