Winter's Cold

The day finally came and I have to say, I was nonplussed about it all. My decision has, for the most part, been made and things are falling in place that will allow that to happen without even the slightest effort on my part. I'm not a person that is given to doing certain things, so when I try to do them and they are ignored...

Phillip came to talk to me last night. He pointed out some things he was thinking, then finally made his point. He was actually angry with me for being angry and not speaking. In return, he decided to avoid me; he actually asked if I noticed it or not. I told him the truth:

Not only did I notice it, but I expected it. The fact is, I don't care if I make an enemy of you or not. I will have my respect about this issue one way or another. I am fine with you not speaking to me and I was fully aware you would have that reaction before I did what I did.

He went on to explain that he didn't like my text message to him where, again, I spoke the full truth in brief about my entire feelings which were thus:

Simply put, the last straw. I'm done with giving the benefit of the doubt and hoping for better when the fact is that people simply do not care about things I think are important because it isn't a priority to them.

I'm done in just about every aspect sense of the word with people that demonstrate no respect for my person. The fact is, no matter how it is worded, respect is in action.

Upon further query, I continued:

Keep this in mind: the small things matter. It is those things that make and break all sorts of things.

What I'm mad about is the fact that I am talking to brick walls. Being ignored when I mention things like dishes, the bathroom, the living room and so on has finally gone far enough. I'm done talking about it or doing things and hoping that the hint is caught. Tired of asking and surprised that I have to when we're all in our 20's.

Before you protest, I am aware that this applies to other people and I feel just as... resolute (I'm no longer angry) about these people as I do you.

This is what he felt he had the right to be upset at me about. He went on to say that he "didn't like feeling like he was having rules imposed on him" and that "it felt like he was back at home and he didn't want that" as if I care. I just want common areas and our shared bathroom to be clean and in order. That's all. I'm not unreasonable and I'm not incorrect in asking for respect to be shown for the fact that five people share the same living space.

He asked why I don't always say something and I explained in a very granular way. Namely, I'm not his mom. I shouldn't have to remind him of something several times. If I mention it once and it isn't done, then I'll talk about once after that point and then there are two options:

1. Work through the situation together.
2. Remove myself from the equation.

I told him that, when I pick option two, I do so without further comment. No blow-ups. No drama. No passive aggressive anything. I simply make my preparations and disappear. I will not give another warning and I will act completely normal up until the very moment I fade. I'm the person that you will come home and find all of their things missing and a note on the fridge. No fanfare at all need be made. This has happened before and it is usually proceeded by thoughts like this:

I've come to the point where I don't care what the consequences are or who gets hurt by my choices. I'm simply going to do whatever I feel like doing - just because I can - no matter what it is that comes to mind. I do this knowing the danger and accept it. What else is there, anyway?

And again:

I'm tired of being nice and taking the moral highroad. Fuck that.

The thing that set all this off was my disruption of people's expectations. This is what people expect of me:

• Kindness
• Compassion
• Availability
• Nurture

Mind you, part of that is my fault because I'm kind, compassionate, available when people need or want to talk, and nurturing to a fault. But let me tell you a secret: this is not all there is. I don't believe in astrological signs in general, but I do find that here and there, they can be amazingly accurate for analogies.

I'm a cusp kid. My birthday falls on the day that the signs change from Aquarius to Pisces. One of those signs has air as an element. The other one, water. You know what's funny? Those signs has one quality in common: duality. A calm summer breeze can bring warmth and joy, yet it carries the power to destroy cities while people cower in fear. Water is life giving and without it people would perish, but that same water in a flood or a tsunami can kill thousands in moments as they are lost to the deep darkness of it.

I've always tried to be the calm, healing breeze and a person through whom life-giving water can flow and that seems to have been taken for granted. Let me be clear about something: my kindness is given because I choose it. I am not obligated to be kind to anyone at any point and I do not show kindness because I am expected to. That said, as Phillip and others may recognize, I can be colder than an arctic winter. I will set a plan and I will not relent unless certain conditions are met. The rub here is that I know that my conditions will not be met, so this is pretty much a done deal. Why won't the condition be met?

Pride. 

No one will admit they were at fault and correct the problem and will assume that it will go away on its own as my anger subsides. 

So foolish. They have no clue and that works to my advantage.

I am relentless, ruthless, and heartless when needed and the funny thing is I didn't know about that depth of me until Erik appeared. Now that I have that under wraps, it's easier to manage. At the same time, I had hoped I could have gone without having to tap into that set of emotions. It seems that I will. Most of you are safe, but I'm stubbornly refusing to budge on some things and at the same time, there will be no war; I've already won without lifting a finger. I'm just biding time now and that biding is with a smile on my face and an eye on my watch.

If you want to see my darker side, enjoy reading for the next couple of weeks. In a lot of ways, I'm yin.