whatever.... the beginning of the descent

I've thought a lot about what I've done in the past few months. Years.

I've given myself to someone in every way I knew how. It was either outright rejected or downplayed or ignored. I don't even know what to make of it. I've had to shut off parts of my emotions just to handle that part and even know to think of it makes me ill. Every passing day, I become a little more dead inside and I feel like I don't have a reason to live at all. Especially not to live well.

Especially that.

So much so is this true, that I've come to the point where I don't care what the consequences are or who gets hurt by my choices. I'm simply going to do whatever I feel like doing - just because I can - no matter what it is that comes to mind. I do this knowing the danger and accept it. What else is there, anyway?

I look around for the people who love me and the people that pretend to are so much greater. How will I ever make it out? I've thought about so many people for so long and have held each one in my heart only for them to use me to get through a difficult moment or two in their lives and then move on leaving me still caring for them and loving them even though they have given up on doing the same.

And this with no remorse.

So maybe I should do the same...

And this with no remorse.