Minds and Rooms

My bedroom is a very special, sacred, quiet place. When I walk into it, I relax, sit down, and start perusing things casually. I contact friends. I make the occasional phone call. It is my sanctuary.

That said, there are corners where things are, by my standards, really messy. There are books there that aren't being read - even though I want to read them on some level - because I simply lack the motivation by the time I get home from work. Art and so on are on a similar plane.

This is where I wonder what statement this makes about my life. I keep it neat most of the time, but I don't have the motivation at times to keep it tidy or as least as tidy as my standards demand. That has interesting side effects, but I don't know how to name them all because they are both innumerable and small, but pivotal.

Such is the way of any small thing.


Then there's the concept of me. I'm defined in a lot of ways, but I do wander back and forth about sex and sexuality. It's just complicated for me and the one solid thing I come to is that, if I am to be with someone, that I could simply meet someone and commit to that one for real. There's a lot of things happening and that process is what it is; it cannot be sped up. This is perfectly fine, but some days, I just want someone to come along and we be so smitten with each other that I close the book.

The thing is, I'm good at closing doors after I make decisions; I don't like plan B's. The thing is, I have the world open to me and no reason to close it. Not in a romantic sense. Not yet. If I am reading the signs right, though, things are certainly developing and I'm very excited about it, but it is still not the time to jump.

However, when I do make that jump, it will be without a parachute. When I am into someone, I am into them and that is the end of it. Burn the books. Close the doors. Delete the numbers. Let the party commence. No pause, no trepidation.

We have a world to explore and I finally have someone I can count on consistently being able to explore it with.

The thing is, it could be anyone or any gender for that matter.

That is one of the weirdest things that I have to explain. I identify as a straight, heterosexual male, but then there is trying to figure out what my attractions mean. I am drawn to personalities. For me, gender doesn't really exist in terms of limits to attractions. Essentially, although I imagine that I will marry or date a girl, I could just as easily date a guy and be okay with it because of how I process things. Here's a list of things I'm attracted to:

• a sharp mind
• a playful personality
• subtlety
• openness
• mirth

It's a long list of things like this that aren't gender-specific. I've never had the guidance growing up to be told "this is the lane you stay in and here's why", so I have had to figure out a lot on my own. That's been good in that I had to figure things out on my own, but that also makes a mess of things. I've found what I like, but I've not tied it to a specific gender because I was never told that this was a necessary thing. This is hard for people to fathom.

I can imagine that this is a scary thing for anyone I might date because we tend to associate attraction with gender; people are either gay, straight, or bisexual where each of these are defined by attraction to gender. I don't really have an attraction like that. The good news is that, if I like you, I really like you and they are for reasons that only barely touch on appearance. On the other hand, every person likes to think they are special and get concerned that I could just as easily find a person likable in one gender as another. This is hard to comprehend and I get that, but I'm not going to lie to you to make you feel better if you ask me what I think about things like this.

This also means that I'm in for a lot of pain because, much like every other area of my life, this is fraught with misunderstandings about how this functions and why.

Whatever. I have to live my life and give a full account for it.

I was talking to someone a few weeks ago and they wondered if I was flirting with things I don't understand. My response? Welcome to life. I don't understand a lot of things that I pursue, but I pursue them because I think the lesson and experience is worth that effort.

Meh, the person that catches me is in for it. How much better could it be than to be with someone who is in love with your very soul. Physicality comes and goes, but you are always you and that is what - or rather whom - I will love.

I'll make other entries for my thoughts, but this stands alone. Not that this is original really, I've written about this before.