At the moment, my boss is across the desk and I have a small pile of things to work on and work out. These things are urgent things.
However, they simply are not important. This is.
Work has been weird. One day, I sat in a sunlit room and wondered aloud "What's wrong here?". As if in immediate response to the question, a cloud passed under the sun leaving me in shade for about five minutes. It seems to be the very definition of what has happened here in the background. It is saddening. This office used to bustle with people. Now, I'm lucky if I hear three voices, other than my own, in a week.
On another occasion, I sat down to ponder music I was going to delete. To arm myself against the excuses I would come up with, I reminded myself: having enjoyed this music, I need not keep it on my iPod. It is perfectly fine for me to enjoy this later whenever I might hear it. This sound doesn't have to be in my pocket. It's not that I dislike it, but that I've outgrown it.
Then I kept thinking and people started coming into the thought. This was unexpected and put me into an odd, but pleasant emotional/mental state. I don't know what to make of it, yet, but I think it's a time of beginnings. There will be more than a few endings I'm sure, but it's not that I'm losing. Rather, I'm trading up.
Sunday, I wanted to hang out with a friend. Her kids were supposed to be with their dad, but he never came for them, so she explained that she couldn't go out with us because of this. I adjusted my plans and decided to go with them to the park. In no time, they were running around. They followed my every command without question. One of them likes my little pony, but was afraid to admit it until I told him I already knew and it was okay that he likes my little pony.
His favorite character? Rainbow Dash.
Afterward, I took them to get chicken nuggets and went back home with them where we talked for a few hours with their mom. During that time, their dad called. I could see her pain. I'm so glad she met the person she's dating now (his name is Fred; he was at work during all of this otherwise he would have gone himself). It will save these boys for just a little bit. Listening to her and seeing the boys and how they are, they crave a dad. A man to follow. She was so sad and feeling terrible as a mom because she couldn't give them that, but finally they can have it and the difference is dramatic. I see them fumbling for their sense of self and who they are at the age of four and their dad – the one from whom this sense of self is derived – had every excuse not to give them that.
I am their future without that and one of the better ones. There's nothing to help with a wound like that except a dad. There just isn't, but at least I'm part of that solution. I'm thankful.
I went to a place I hadn't been in a long time because of my last memory there. I took that morning walk there to make new memories. It was an enjoyable experience to do this and I feel that I will be doing this more in the future.
I spoke to Morgan yesterday. We seem to do a really good job at misunderstanding each other. Everything I say to him is weird or confusing. Here's an example:
----
me: would you like some water?
deer-in-headlights look
me: this is funny, to say the least.
morgan: what?
me: i've never had someone look so confused by a simple offer of water.
morgan: well, i was just lost about where were you getting water from.
me: there's a mini-fridge behind me.
morgan: but how would i know you had water there?
me: where else would i offer you water from?
morgan: i'm used to getting it from the sink.
me: i think i'm just off-putting to you.
morgan: what? i was just confused because i'm used to getting water from the sink.
me: i'm almost positive if your mom had asked if you wanted water, she'd have gotten "yes" or "no. you just looked at me like a grew a horn.
blank look
----
I just stared at him for a while. I only have so many things I can say about this, but it just comes down to laughing at the inevitable, I guess.
However, they simply are not important. This is.
Work has been weird. One day, I sat in a sunlit room and wondered aloud "What's wrong here?". As if in immediate response to the question, a cloud passed under the sun leaving me in shade for about five minutes. It seems to be the very definition of what has happened here in the background. It is saddening. This office used to bustle with people. Now, I'm lucky if I hear three voices, other than my own, in a week.
On another occasion, I sat down to ponder music I was going to delete. To arm myself against the excuses I would come up with, I reminded myself: having enjoyed this music, I need not keep it on my iPod. It is perfectly fine for me to enjoy this later whenever I might hear it. This sound doesn't have to be in my pocket. It's not that I dislike it, but that I've outgrown it.
Then I kept thinking and people started coming into the thought. This was unexpected and put me into an odd, but pleasant emotional/mental state. I don't know what to make of it, yet, but I think it's a time of beginnings. There will be more than a few endings I'm sure, but it's not that I'm losing. Rather, I'm trading up.
Sunday, I wanted to hang out with a friend. Her kids were supposed to be with their dad, but he never came for them, so she explained that she couldn't go out with us because of this. I adjusted my plans and decided to go with them to the park. In no time, they were running around. They followed my every command without question. One of them likes my little pony, but was afraid to admit it until I told him I already knew and it was okay that he likes my little pony.
His favorite character? Rainbow Dash.
Afterward, I took them to get chicken nuggets and went back home with them where we talked for a few hours with their mom. During that time, their dad called. I could see her pain. I'm so glad she met the person she's dating now (his name is Fred; he was at work during all of this otherwise he would have gone himself). It will save these boys for just a little bit. Listening to her and seeing the boys and how they are, they crave a dad. A man to follow. She was so sad and feeling terrible as a mom because she couldn't give them that, but finally they can have it and the difference is dramatic. I see them fumbling for their sense of self and who they are at the age of four and their dad – the one from whom this sense of self is derived – had every excuse not to give them that.
I am their future without that and one of the better ones. There's nothing to help with a wound like that except a dad. There just isn't, but at least I'm part of that solution. I'm thankful.
I went to a place I hadn't been in a long time because of my last memory there. I took that morning walk there to make new memories. It was an enjoyable experience to do this and I feel that I will be doing this more in the future.
I spoke to Morgan yesterday. We seem to do a really good job at misunderstanding each other. Everything I say to him is weird or confusing. Here's an example:
----
me: would you like some water?
deer-in-headlights look
me: this is funny, to say the least.
morgan: what?
me: i've never had someone look so confused by a simple offer of water.
morgan: well, i was just lost about where were you getting water from.
me: there's a mini-fridge behind me.
morgan: but how would i know you had water there?
me: where else would i offer you water from?
morgan: i'm used to getting it from the sink.
me: i think i'm just off-putting to you.
morgan: what? i was just confused because i'm used to getting water from the sink.
me: i'm almost positive if your mom had asked if you wanted water, she'd have gotten "yes" or "no. you just looked at me like a grew a horn.
blank look
----
I just stared at him for a while. I only have so many things I can say about this, but it just comes down to laughing at the inevitable, I guess.
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