First: I like the new interface a lot.
Next: I'm tired of feeling alone.
I talked to Polli today, because I'm tired of bottling it all up and trying to just deal with everything. I was going to decide today whether or not we were going to be friends after today and it led to one of the longest talks we've had in a month.
It's in the back of my mind at all times. I'm surrounded by people, but no one is here. I have some relief at work and then I come home, I work on a few projects and then once those are done, I'm alone again. Just me, a book, some music, social media and the moments that move me toward bedtime.
It's not even that I don't want to be alone. I'm just tired of the outside not matching the inside. If I'm not surrounded by people, I can understand being alone; no one is here. On the other hand, having a home with people all over the place only a few feet away and still feeling the way I do makes no sense. I either want to be a part or be away or have them away. There's always the "here/there" dichotomy. It just makes me want to retreat to my room and avoid anything and you know what? I usually do.
One day, I'll reconcile this or it will be the end of me. At this point, I don't mind either way.
Sanquan walks up, asks me to open the door. Why when he could just ask me what he needs to ask? No reason. I oblige.
"Going to Kroger. Want stuff?"
"No..."
"Going to a movie later. You wanna go?"
"....*sigh* okay."
"You okay?"
"I don't know how to answer that."
"It's simple..."
Yes, because you have no problem with telling me how you feel even though you've neglected to talk to me about some of the most painful moments in your last week and usually avoid talking openly about your feelings on a regular basis...
"What you've just asked me is about as simple as writing the full theory of relativity on the end of a pencil."
"You're complicating it though, you could just..."
"I'll pass on this one."
"... okay, then.... Later."
"Later."
*closes door*
If I'm lucky, maybe I'll fall asleep before this movie. I don't think I'll deal well with going to the movies with people I've not heard a word from in weeks and then have to go with them somewhere and pretend to be social when I'm dying on the inside.
I'm going to go read this book now.
Next: I'm tired of feeling alone.
I talked to Polli today, because I'm tired of bottling it all up and trying to just deal with everything. I was going to decide today whether or not we were going to be friends after today and it led to one of the longest talks we've had in a month.
It's in the back of my mind at all times. I'm surrounded by people, but no one is here. I have some relief at work and then I come home, I work on a few projects and then once those are done, I'm alone again. Just me, a book, some music, social media and the moments that move me toward bedtime.
It's not even that I don't want to be alone. I'm just tired of the outside not matching the inside. If I'm not surrounded by people, I can understand being alone; no one is here. On the other hand, having a home with people all over the place only a few feet away and still feeling the way I do makes no sense. I either want to be a part or be away or have them away. There's always the "here/there" dichotomy. It just makes me want to retreat to my room and avoid anything and you know what? I usually do.
One day, I'll reconcile this or it will be the end of me. At this point, I don't mind either way.
Sanquan walks up, asks me to open the door. Why when he could just ask me what he needs to ask? No reason. I oblige.
"Going to Kroger. Want stuff?"
"No..."
"Going to a movie later. You wanna go?"
"....*sigh* okay."
"You okay?"
"I don't know how to answer that."
"It's simple..."
Yes, because you have no problem with telling me how you feel even though you've neglected to talk to me about some of the most painful moments in your last week and usually avoid talking openly about your feelings on a regular basis...
"What you've just asked me is about as simple as writing the full theory of relativity on the end of a pencil."
"You're complicating it though, you could just..."
"I'll pass on this one."
"... okay, then.... Later."
"Later."
*closes door*
If I'm lucky, maybe I'll fall asleep before this movie. I don't think I'll deal well with going to the movies with people I've not heard a word from in weeks and then have to go with them somewhere and pretend to be social when I'm dying on the inside.
I'm going to go read this book now.
No comments:
Post a Comment