Stream of Consciousness

I'm going to post all of the thoughts I've had since returning from vacation along with my experiences. I'm not going to bother with sorting them out or making any sense of what I'm about to write. I'm going to let my mind wander and keep writing until I'm done. When I finish that, I'll just stop writing and click publish. Aside from spelling errors, I will edit nothing.

Begin.

I am so irritated. You would think... I mean, didn't I say that we would go out when I got home. Oh wait, I see. The phone. It's probably a girl. Oh well, happy birthday, anyway, I guess. I hope they get home safe. They're awesome and it was a lot of fun. Dude, you're getting on my nerves and I hate hate hate how much you lie about so many freakin things. How the heck do you disappear for that long and have nothing to say about it? No, I can't ask you. No, I won't ask you. You really should just get over her already, but you won't and I know exactly why you won't and we told you told you told you not to do this, but no. You had to. You had to try. You were so desperate and this is what desperation gets you. What do you mean they have to do that early? Are you serious? Now? Why now? Why is everyone in the family there but me? Oh wait, that's right: work. Freakin' work at a desk in an empty office. What the heck is going on today? I don't know. I never know. Don't you think I should know a little bit more about the progress of impending doom before I'm in the middle of ground zero. I wish people weren't so... you know what, screw it. I'll just move on with my own thing and finding a job. I don't want another job. I want to make my own job, but I have to be able to pay my bills and utilities and all of that. This is annoying and I hate it. I hate it a lot sometimes. Another day alone. Yes, I'm at home. Yes, I'm working. At least I can get paid for this. How do I graft the other two into this? It's time. We have to step up. Now. Right now. Are you freakin' kidding me? Sigh. Whatever. Don't snap at me because you're mad at someone for "being vague" when the fact is that you want to be told everything without thinking for yourself. Isn't this the same crap that you criticize religious people for? You irritate me. Oh, blow up at me? Keep that to yourself because I am not the one. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever... and I will let you know that in full if you say one more word to me. You know what, why don't you talk to me when you're not acting like an angsty teenager... which means you'll not be talking to me anytime soon if ever. You know what? No, having a different opinion does not mean we're fighting. However, when I'm going through all of these emotional things and you decide to explain something to me as if I am stupid or unable to comprehend something about technology when I have studied nothing but that for the last... oh... decade and the mobile platform for the last two and a half, it makes it seem a bit belligerent and I do, in fact, get mad at that. I don't care if you disagree with me; most of my friends do things I don't agree with. They can be womanizing, promiscuous, and selfish at times. They can also be unnecessarily rude or sharp. They come from different religious background or can be militantly atheist. What I don't like is feeling disrespected. I could review the message, but I'm not. The point is that I know what the word mobile means. I know what mobile devices are used for and why and how and all of that. In case we forgot: I write content for a mobile application on three different devices. Whatever, it isn't worth taking the time to explain and I like you most of the time, anyway. At the same time: yes, I will let you know that what was said bothers me. No need to rain down with the :( or T_T or ._. I'm tired of people asking what's wrong. What's wrong is all over the place. What's wrong is all over my statuses and posts you claim to read. If you are asking if I'm okay, I'm probably not, but by the time I take a moment or two to think about it, ultimately, I'm fine and that's where I'm answer from. I'm okay and I will be okay if I'm not right now. At the present moment, I'm irritated and angry and hurt and tired of silence. Silence from people that say "I still respect you and like you and all of that..." Silence from people that I live with. I want to say roommates, but it seems like too much to ask right now. We're just walking by each other and laughing now and then, but we're fundamentally disconnected because of the things we're trying to hold together and not allowing the others to see like, "I'm trying to handle this money stuff, but it's really hard" or "I'm really upset about some stuff and I could use an open ear" Maybe I'm the only one that's sensitive to these things. For the love of God, don't say "I thought you were busy/tired/angry/didn't want to talk" when you could just walk over here and make the effort... I'm twenty feet away from you. Of course I'm mad at you, that's why I paid your phone bill. I'm obviously annoyed at you, so I went on a bike ride with you. That's why I try to speak to you every time I see you. Or message you at random. Obviously, I'm trying not to talk. Maybe I really should try not to talk so people would at least notice the freakin difference. Sigh. I need to sort this stuff. I got through that at least. Why is my monitor doing this right now? I have a logo to design I don't need this right now. At least I did my needed backups. I'm taking this to the shop. Logic board? I hope not. I really hope not. That probably means that's the problem especially considering the discoloration right here. This could NOT have come at a more frustrating time. I don't need this right now. I can use the office laptop until it's back I guess. I'm glad she's ok. I'm glad the baby is okay. I'm glad this baby lived. She's wanted this for so long. Seyvion Shamone. Our family has creative naming all over the place. This makes no sense. I think he'll enjoy the panda. Rather him have it than me. He'll appreciate it more. People should have what they can use and appreciate. I'm going to be home so late, but I need to be here. Who is this? Wow she has two kids? Okay cool. They all look happy. She is in really good spirits. God, I really will do something special because of this. I don't know what yet, but I'm open to suggestions. I'm so glad for praise break music right now. Talking to Michelle was nice. What was Chris doing there? Why did he think I forgot him? I'm the last one to forget. I always am. I'm tired. This drive is so long. Why do I love preachers that people hate? I wish I could write them letters to thank them for all that they taught me and maybe encourage them? Why do christians hate each other so much? We're a family and we're not making it without each other, so it would make sense to love each other and make it out together, not outdo/outrun/outstrip/out-anything each other. I'm not made for this world and I hate that sometimes. It's like God has this spotlight on me and it's frustrating. I feel so fundamentally disconnected from people I want to be most connected to. I feel that separation that we all hate starting to happen here and there and I'm not okay with that. I'm already lonely as it is. Not alone. Never alone. Just lonely. I'm so so so so so so so so so so soooo thankful for youtube it's not funny. I can't even tell people who I really am as a spiritual person and the people who already know aren't saying a word; it's their secret to keep. It also feels like my cross to bear. It's tiring, but not more than I can handle. I got home and saw the guys in the pool. Forget this, I'm going to bed. We're talking and we're laughing and we're not connected. I'm so annoyed. I want to see Men and Timmy. I'm doing it. I did it. It was awesome. I thought about being a prick. I thought about being selfish. Why should I make anyone happy when I'm not even a radar blip. In the end, I took them there. I took them to see their friend who hadn't even been by to see them and has a car that they own. They were happy. Everyone was happy. Really happy. It was nice, just not me. I took them around town and to Chik-Fil-A. I've never seen some people so happy over fried chicken sandwiches, but I'm glad I could buy that for them. I hate money so much. So tired. So sad. So alone right now. Not even in a sea of people... I mean... Nevermind. Skip all that. We went outside and we exercised and we caught up. They've grown. They're making changes. They're becoming better people. It's good news to me. One of them needs a place. The roommates seem to say it's okay pending obvious logistics. Well, alright I guess. Not a big thing in my mind right now, but they're welcome. I took them home and then got a call from the girl that loves to wait until the last minute to ask me to do something. What do you mean "I thought you got off like 6 or something"? I have had the same schedule since February 2010. Why is this so hard for people? Yes, I occasionally work late, but I consistently get off work at 5, get home on the bus at 5:45 and have every weekend off. Come on, son. Nerve-wracking. It's getting to be too much. Too many things depend on me. Rent is due. Utilities are due. My mom needs money for her car payment now because of something with the hospital and, for whatever reason, I seem to be the person to ask. No, Mom, I don't have it. "Well, keep me in mind..." What do you mean? I can't make money just appear at will out of thin air like that. I have bills that I have to pay and then I have to take care of your car I've ridden in like three times in three years. Really? Why don't you ask Clive, he's driving your car. Oh wait, because then I'd be mean and selfish and horrible and... you know what? This isn't your fault. I'm already stressed. You're just not helping at all. I'm calling some people. John and Reza. Definitely them. Maybe a few others. Relationship is intentional. I'm eating oatmeal because I refuse to order out today. I want to watch Fearless. I miss the sand and the beach and the waves. Why did I come home? I have so many projects to do and I'm so far behind. Ugh! At the same time, political lady, what the...? I mean, you email me, you let me know you want a website. If you wanted a free one, you could have asked. You wanted to pay for it, then you change things at the last... Sigh. Whatever. I'm so tired of this. Okay, I have to return the car. Billing stuff sucks. Ale, email me. Write me. Something. At least I got Meredith talking. I hope all of this works out. Finding another job sucks. I'm hopeful, though; I've acquired a lot of neat skills that look good on developer applications. I also applied for something at the tech school here. I don't want to find another job, but I have to be responsible. Suckage. I want my iPod back. Those tweets were so random, but funny. Why can't I just sleep like normal people? Not me, though. I get to go in my room, all lights and computer off and just lie there. I can hear people going to the bathroom and walking and talking and typing and listening to music everywhere and I just lie there. I want to know what having sex feels like with someone that I really love, but at the same time, I'm perfectly fine without it and it hardly ever crosses my mind. This is a complete contrary set of feelings that live in perfect harmony within me like so many other things like that. This is frustrating Most things are frustrating. Why do I bother even trying with most people. Oh, now he wants to apologize for being a jerk before presenting me with yet another problem he has and asking my thoughts about... Whatever, dude. Whatever to almost everything. I want to go to bed and hold something or someone or just go to sleep at least. I can't even watch the movie I wanted to watch because it's not streaming on Netflix this is so freaking annoying, Netflix. Why couldn't you just leave the freakin setup the way it was before? Why is downtown parking $10 and not $8 per day? Why can't they just make it an even $1 per hour. I was only downtown from 9-5 anyway :/ Not like I have to worry about that problem since I took it back, then got James to follow me (thank God he's so amazing sometimes) and then told him to leave me at Avis since they were going to charge 50 dollars for only having half a tank of gas. I'm returning a car, what does it matter how much gas is in it when i can see the gas station a few hundreds yards away?! Are you serious?! Fine. I spent $37.56 on the gas to avoid having it charged to the account. At least the customer service guy drove me back home. Now I'm back to the bus and the bike. Maybe I'll go to the office tomorrow. I just hate getting out of bed. It seems like such a useless thing. I need to exercise... well, more regularly. I guess my 4 mile bike ride last night will keep that up. I finally got a compliment on my body, so I have to keep working out now lol. I didn't even know she noticed. Not that I'm exercising just to be seen but it's a nice perk. I need to parkour more. I'll use my bike for that. There's nowhere to run around here. I miss my crew from way back and I should have gone more. James is home. I think he's -- in a roudabout way -- inviting me to the pool. Well, okay, I guess I can do that. I've been talking to Phil and Mitch for like an hour and some change anyway. I need to go somewhere else and get out of my room. I've gotten nothing done today at all and it's only getting worse. Smh = the definition of my whole week. So much more to write about, but again I don't care. I just don't. I could write about timelines and facebook, and other small things but they don't matter. They just don't. I donated some stuff. I got rid of stuff. My freakin MacBook Pro is dead, but the HD is fine. What the...? And Meredith computer -- the work computer -- has a rootkit virus on a week we're strapped for money as a company branch. Where did this week from hell come from?! I'm not even asking for mercy. I want to punch something or someone, but that won't help. I can't exercise because I've not had a proper meal all day. This is messed up. I can't even ride my bike. I need to cook. Didn't I say all of this earlier? I wonder why Aaron and a few other people on Skype aren't talking. Maybe I should stop caring. Give me a moment.... Okay, not caring anymore. I'll give it a week then push the delete button. Read up on a particular journal. Sometimes, she needs to be hugged. I know she loves the guy, but every time she writes, she's so hurt sad and angry. I don't even know how to feel about them getting married most of the time knowing what I know. Speaking of, dude is getting married in less than a month now. Wow. Whirlwind is not the word. I think he expected me to be more judgmental about it all, but the way I see it, either it will go well or he will learn quick. I'm fine either way, but I hope the aim isn't sex. I've seen that ruin people. I'm looking at you, but you will remain nameless for her sake. I'm tired of writing now.