Stream of consciousness

Begin.

I could have labelled this in parts but I'm not because I don't need to. I need to write. Still thinking. Instead of going to the pool last night, I went to bed. I tried to sleep. I woke up a lot. Phillip kept writing me, but I'm done with him right now. "Can we hang out Saturday?" "Sure why not." "Don't sound so excited about it..." Sorry, I'm normally ecstatic to hang out with people that come at me sideways in the middle of an already stressful week. Whatever. I finally won my battle today. I got out of bed, showered and am now on the bus. I did it all on time, but not with enough time to exercise. I'm hungry now because I didn't eat last night as it was late and the only food to cook was oatmeal. I want nothing. I don't want to live or die or wake or sleep or exist. Just blissful nothing. I suppose this is part of my penchant to want things I can't have. Nothing isn't a substance. Not quantifiable unless you measure what isn't there. You have nothing if friends are missing if love is missing if health is missing if money is missing if stuff and things and other nouns are missing. It's a placeholder and you can't have a placeholder. People get on the bus and most are going to school probably. I wonder how many stories are on this bus. Joel told me that he's swollen. He'll have to get stuff for chaffing. The guys and I made jokes about penises because that's what guys do sometimes. I tweeted our comments about that on twitter one sentence at a time. Too funny. I need to review my must list. Too far off track. I need to write a new blog for work. At least I have a subject in mind. I Wang coffee. I need food. I need a long walk with a close friend in utter silence. I need to escape myself somehow. "Sit on me..." Noel Jones couldn't have said a truer word ever and I need that right now. True words. Loving, true words. It's Sierra's bday and I am still more clueless about why she hates me. Sometimes, there's no accounting for people, but in every person I lose, I'm learning that loss is lesson still. The lesson is hard to see until the pain moves but it is always there, a rock in pond. Nothing is forever and this isn't my home. Life inside us in pain. Life in me is pain. Capital L life. God in His movings. I know what pregnant women feel like in proxy because of that life moving around inside and suddenly kicking here and there or days that the repulsion I feel to the things around me is akin to morning sickness. Starbucks. She never did meet me for coffee, but that's fine. I'm done now.