saying goodbye

You know what: I don't say "goodbye". I learned when I was younger that one should only say goodbye if they knew in their hearts that they would never see that person again. Hold on to this concept; you'll need it for the rest of this entry.

Over the last few days, Brandon has been popping up here at the house as I have mentioned before. If you'll remember in an earlier entry, I mentioned this:

Brandon and I talked the other day. He was talking about some of his struggles with things and he pointed out that sometimes being in certain environments made it hard for him to fight off certain temptations.

He then went on to talk about this ministry he was very interested in being involved with. The way he described it was beautiful. He was thirsty for it. He felt like it would straighten up and maintain his integrity more easily. After that, he explained that, if he were to pursue that -- if he were to change his life, he would have to give up a lot of things. One of those things might be our friendship.

I looked at him, and thought, then said this: don't let our friendship be an excuse for not pursuing something you are passionate about. Your passion is the only way to escape this mess. If this is the way God has given you to change things, then do it and stop making excuses. I might hate it, but I won't die. He can go his way if he needs to. If it gains him anything in Christ, then my friendship is a small sacrifice to make.

I had thought about this for some time, but tried to not let it get to me. I just couldn't shake it, though, and with every visit it got worse.

Tonight, he sat down and talked to me about American Idol auditions on youtube and stuff on facebook and Charlotte Church and in the middle of that, after explaining that I have no malice toward him or anything, asked him why he was here. I pointed out the above quoted stuff and he started to talk.

He felt he was compromising. That he couldn't pursue the life he spoke to me about. That he had to put up a front and make people happy and put himself in situations that weren't congruent with his faith. I talked to him about this for a while and asked him question after question, digging to the root of all of these things:

• why would you text me and ask to come over knowing you shouldn't be here?
• why would you be here if God Himself has let you know in whatever way that you shouldn't be?
• why aren't you doing what you need to do in order to pursue Him more closely?

I told him that he needs to learn how to put one foot in front of the other and not turn his head to see what he's leaving behind him because that's the truth; for those that pursue God, there is nothing behind you that will ever be better than what lies ahead, so heads should never turn back. We're human and I get that, but even so, you have to keep moving. The christian life, whether is it ran, walked or crawled has to be lived with courage and it is this that he lacks. I pointed this out. He has to go forward with courage into his passion for Christ and nothing short of that will complete his goals.

I listened to his point of view -- namely that I was hard for him to let go of -- but I made it clear that, no matter what manner of life I seemed to be living, that it is my clear intent to point others to Christ at all times or at least as often as I can. Period. He was no different. The goal of his life is not to please others or myself but God. I will not have to answer for his disobedience and furthermore, I did not want his disobedience or any compromising to be on my head. I told him, in no unclear terms that if God asked him not to be here, that he shouldn't have texted me to come over. Period. I asked him why he did it. I waited for an answer. I told him that he can't go back and forth with this; he has to make a decision and stick to it.

After a while of this exchange, I finally let all of it process. I asked him if he needed to pray about this situation again and wait for the peace of God to clear this up. He said he was sure. I told him that he needed to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving then. With that, he got up and said, "I guess I need to give you a proper goodbye then..." and he got up to do that. As he hugged me, I prayed for him and mentioned a few specifics:

• that peace and happiness follow him as he obeys God
• that he has the courage to cut things out of his life that are bigger than God
• that he has the courage to remove relationships and distractions from his life that don't fuel his passions
• that he find the courage to do the right things even when they don't feel good
• that he find the courage to not turn his head once he starts moving where God wants him to go
• that he finds the courage to obey God without hesitation

With that, I said goodbye. Goodbye and not "I'll see you around". Not "later". I threw in that maybe God would allow us to meet again -- and He might -- but it won't be for a while if Brandon pursues this road. I don't know how much of God this is and how much confusion this is, but I can only encourage him to obey God and walk forward in the truth he has been shown as boldly as he can manage.

Mind you, Brandon isn't a bad person. He's not horrible. He's not trying to be manipulative as far as I can tell. "The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

So, goodbye again... and probably for the rest of this side of life.