09: what happened

I'm sure the last year meant well. I really am. However, 2009 had to be one of the hardest years I have had since 2003. To sum up 2003, I'll use a few bullets:

1. decided not to go home during summer break.
2. moved into a house with friends. they broke up and moved away suddenly, leaving me homeless for two weeks.
3. i lived with a guy for a few weeks. during a rafting trip, a friend had a dream in which I was hit by a truck. She determined that I needed to move out of that house.
4. i moved, leaving many things behind.
5. i lived in a home with no running water and no food. this lasted for three weeks.
6. i moved to another, more remote place since it looked bad on my friend to have a guy she wasn't married to living in her house. mind you, she didn't care as much, but the church we were attending bugged her about it for a while.
7. i got a job at bojangles that lasted for one week. i was then laid off. i worked 11 hours of overtime, though.
8. the bank called me after had gone back to school to inform me that $1500+ in checks had been forged. this was by the person i lived with bullet number three. i had to file a police report.
9. i just changed from bullets to numbers, so pete wouldn't complain as much. i will now get back to events.
10. i moved for the person i lived with not to be arrested, but to simply pay the money back and let that be good enough. i didn't press charges of any kind. he was terrified when i showed up to his house and let him know i knew what he did. we talked. i moved things out. i prayed with him and i left.
11. the GBI called me one month later to inform me he had been murdered and wanted to get information from me about him. i told them what i knew and they didn't like me much after that. the person that did it turned themselves in anyway.

Now we have that out of the way, allow me to get through 2009.

:: jobs and money ::

It was a fairly good start -- I had recently gotten a passport and was on my way to a business trip in Italy. This trip was rather lengthy. I didn't know much Italian (although my background with Spanish and French helped greatly with the sign reading as my travel partner had no idea where we were or where to go), but we got on okay. That two weeks was like a dream (minusing falling asleep at times from boredom during a meeting or two... one of which was being conducted by the CEO... did I mention that I occasionally snore?). I got in a bit of trouble for that. Compounded with a company mandated budget cut, I ended up losing that job (they made it clear it had nothing to do with sleeping though) on February 5th.

I got a new job 30 minutes later at a local pizza shop. Wasn't the same as making 15/hr, but I did like the people. There was a few notable mentions, but I lost that job July 4th. No reason given, actually. There was a smokescreen, but no actual reason. It was depressing, but meh. I tried unsuccessfully to find a job for a while. After months of this, I lost my phone and bills started to fall behind. I finally applied for unemployment as an angry landlord busted into the house, furiously demanding his due rent while I was out - you guessed it - looking for a job. *sigh*

I got my family to let me borrow the rent money and paid them back promptly, but realized I couldn't keep going on in that way. When the unemployment money came (and it was a lot on that first check), I got my bills current (excepting the phone) and kept them that way. After months of applications, phone calls, and being led down every dead end imaginable, I finally got a job at Best Buy which was part-time and seasonal (as a funny coincidence, I also fell asleep during this job). It was an enjoyable job. I worked with a very unique and tight-knit group of people and I had fun when I got into the groove of things. My last day there will be the 15th. That's next Friday. I will be going to apply for unemployment soon to make sure I don't have the massive financial gap I had when this happened the last time. Not looking forward to that, but considering that the new fiscal year doesn't start until March for most places and that they aren't really hiring people right now since everyone is broke, I'm out of options.

As such, the normal things apply: can't spend much, not much money for food and other things. In spite of that, I have run into very caring and giving people and in that, I've been getting on okay. I do odd jobs for cash or make a website now and then. It works for now.

:: love and relationships ::

No, I don't mean anything romantic -- well, not entirely. Just put that out of your head for now. It started a month before I moved into my current place. Myself and my friend K-SK wanted to move in. I had no reason to resist, either -- we had stumbled on a great deal, thanks to my mom, for this apartment. 810/mo, three bedrooms, upstairs and downstairs and an attic, washer/dryer, tons of closet space. It was perfect. We wanted a third roommate, so I asked RM if he wanted to come into this. Before this point, RM and I had become very close. We were inseparable...

... allow me to define. I talked to him one day at work because I noticed he didn't talk to anyone. I invited him to my home for video games and just to hang out. He did and he enjoyed it, so I left an open invite for anytime. We spent hours talking about everything and anything (and gaming). Shortly after this, I got a new job which allowed me to be super flexible with time, so I could hang out whenever after 5pm. He spent so much time with me that, eventually, he started leaving clothes over so he wouldn't have to go home before work in order to change. He laughed at the idea of paying rent at his place since he was never home. It felt wonderful to have a friend like that.

Often, we would talk about how we felt like one had been waiting for the other almost all their lives. We had everything and then some in common as far as general interests, worldviews, and philosophies on varying things. The zodiac signs were even compatible on an elemental level -- we were both born on the cusp of two signs. One of them was an air sign, the other a water sign. We decided to refer to each other as twin stars and we were for the most part. To explain how close we became, I had to take a business trip for four days as part of my job for an annual meeting. When I had to tell him I would be leaving for four days, I cried for 45 minutes -- I couldn't stand the thought of being somewhere without him. Likewise, he kept me with him always and invited me to any and all family functions. I was the only black guy there, but I fit right in...

I could go on, but I'll keep moving. Let's just say that he was our third roommate.

All of the papers signed and formalities done with, we moved in and shortly I left for Italy ( I have youtube vids if you want to see some of the things I checked out over there). During that time, K-SK and RM got familiar with each other and talked. It was a good thing and I was happy that they were friends. RM took the day off and came to the airport to picked me up. We drove through some hellafied traffic and came back home. On the way, I paid my phone bill and bought RM a new phone. Just bought it. Not an upgrade, but full price without contract. I didn't even care because he wanted the phone and that's one of my things -- if I can get something my friends want, they get it without question (well, okay, maybe a few). When I got home, I was glad to see K-SK and house hummed with happiness. K-SK was the socialite. All about pop culture, posters, and shopping. It was a lovely thing to watch him sometimes. He was always honest about his feelings about everything. Nice, but not a pushover. Attitude for days. RM was always the more quiet, reserved, nerdy guy. He had the room in the middle of the hall, so everyone hung out there.

We had our normal roomie squabbles about things like dishes, taking out the trash, making keys and bills and such, but things were always well in hand and we really liked each other. Things continued like this for months. K-SK was to move in the summer, so we weren't able to be together too long, but that was fine and we just decided to wait until that time to decide what to do. I was more of the type to constantly invite friends over to the house, so there were always people coming in or going out. Even so, we had special roommate time and many adventures together (Q being there for a week at a time, letting the homeless guy sleep on the couch because we couldn't leave him on the street, Shanka breaking my futon, the hookup K-SK said he wouldn't have, Margaret Cho quotes, lots of movies and laughter and ABDC...).

In the middle of this goodness, there were other things in the background. My sister's health was crazy and she has lupus, so I was at the hospital for a while. This happened a few times in that year, actually. Also, among my friends, there was a girl that everyone liked (just about) -- it was like something out of Something About Mary. RM ended up liking her a lot and she liked him back. I was the first one to notice it. I noticed it before either of them realized their own feelings for each other. She even had a bf at the time -- didn't matter, I already knew what would happen and I told them. No one would listen to me. RM didn't believe me long ago when I told him:

One day, you will meet a girl that you like. When that happens, I am afraid you will forget me.

He tried hard to reassure me that he wouldn't...

... he did. Friendships were ruptured as the friendship between he and I started to rift. It couldn't even be slowed down. It still hurt, even though I knew (and said) it was coming nine months before it happened. Coincidental to that time, I came across an ability that surfaces in me from time to time as part of a larger pool of abilities that I believe are God-given. Moving on, in that time, I watched as he drifted further away. I didn't mind that in a way -- they were becoming closer and after looking for so long, I wanted him to have that happiness. What I didn't like was that when he wasn't around her, he wasn't around. He didn't want to hang out with anyone or do anything. He was just absent from all of us altogether. That killed me.

In the meantime, JB and Q became really important here as they provided me with injections of relief from time to time. K-SK noticed things as I did and said so, but ultimately, he was going away and didn't want to get too involved. I understand that.

K-SK had a massive going-away party which was fun to see. I was glad to be there and even cleaned up so he could go to bed. I helped him move and off he went. I remember everything down to the cat he had. We've known each other for years, so it was so fun to reminisce at times about who we were to where we had come. It was good to have him as a roommate and he liked me as a roommate, too, so I'm sure if the time comes, we'll do that again (he'd better >=]). We still talk and visit. He's doing well.

Back on the homefront, there was now myself, RM and B (his gf, my friend... and one of those titles was fading fast). During that time, there was a lot of tension. I attempted to point out why, but I was dismissed as being dramatic and making more of the issue than there was -- even when everyone but those two felt that way. Ultimately, it didn't go well. I was finally told about everything that I was doing wrong by a third party (JB) that wasn't even involved in the situation. After that, I shut down emotionally while in my home for three months solid. During that time, I was cold, calculating and silent. I was either in my room or the bathroom. I stopped eating food or using dishes and only spoke when bills needed to be paid. Since I had moved to a larger room, all of my friends came to that room to see me.

During this time, we picked up two new roommates -- MR and Ed. Ed was a friend of mine from a couple of years ago and had fallen on hard times, but had a job, so I brought him in. MR was a good friend I had met in february through Jingles (a common friend). We formed a bond that was very strong. It's texture was similar to mine and RM, but he was much more outspoken and expressive and emotional. I liked this very much, actually. It had a lot more up and downs, but as I continued to accept and understand, our relationship just blossomed.

In a way, it gave me something to attend to; all of the affection that pours out of me had been placed into proper containers in my friends. I love everyone, but in person, where I get to express that love, there is so much that comes out at once and I had lost a container (and a very large one). Where that affection would have normally bled into the abyss, MR offered himself as a person to whom I could redirect it since he could see how sad I became watching two friendships fall apart at once.

Not that those were the only two. At the beginning of the year, two friends (PI and KM) decided to just stop talking to me altogether without warning. I called, texted, emailed, facebook'd, and everything else I could think of, but to no avail. I lamented this for a long time (among many other things) and since I was a sight more openly emotional than I am now, that meant much anger, sadness and crying and journaling. More friends were to follow, all dropping me in a similar fashion. Silently, without notice...

In any case, in that time, the relationship, close as it was, became even closer because of all the extra affection I had available to pour into it. I learned to swim with him and we talked about many things. I had a new person to add to my picture and he had a person that loved him without condition or hesitation. It was a beautiful relationship that we still share. Ed was the definition of fierce. A good guy, but all the attitude and drama. He was a queen through and through and loved every bit of who he was. Always one for laughter and more alcohol than one should be allowed -- especially on the day off -- and the ganja for sure. We had a lot of fun with each other. He, MR and I spent all of our time together while RM and B were in another room or just out. Sometimes, I would start to remember the times when RM and I would text each other just to see how we were doing. It had gotten to the point where he didn't even come down the hall anymore unless he was passing by. I focused back to Ed and MR. They got me through that time for sure.

Suddenly, Ed got a call from home. His family needed him. MR was going to the Navy and would be leaving for basic soon. He wanted to move out and be with his family for a while before leaving. I went to visit him often during that time and that was a precious time. With him leaving, I lost the only friend that close to my heart. It felt like my insides were being ripped out of me. At the same time, I didn't regret it -- he had to go his way to make his life better. After he and Ed left, the warmer part of my heart was closed to general access.

Three months went by like this. I didn't speak and I wasn't spoken to. If someone came to see me, they came to my room and we chilled there. If I saw RM, the room temperature dropped twenty degrees instantly. I felt two emotions by this time concerning him: anger and apathy. It was still hurting, but I wouldn't let him see that weakness in me. During this time, WJ made an appearance in my life as an important character to take the bitter edge off of my emotions as did JB and Q.

After that time, RM got the courage to talk to me and mend things... well, sort of. It wasn't me he talked to until the very end. One week later, I had a dream in which the person I had been appeared. He told me what his name was and the dream ended. The three months previous had left me with more than I had bargained for; a new personality had emerged within me born of everything I had felt at that time. I'll make an entry about him later. His name is Erik.

After that time, it was a time of mending has been good. I am close to RM again. While it has taken on a different texture, things are good now because he doesn't just neglect me -- that was all I wanted in the first place. The other relationships are very much intact and new ones have started to sprout in the form of Momo, Tai, EZPZ, and, well, my readers here.

Other relationships are being omitted, but they aren't important enough to make an entry about yet aside from LJ, but he's an entry to himself.