the feel of friendship

I've been lost in my own thoughts for a while and haven't been able to get into my blog as much lately. I'm starting to crave a journal and so I wrte. I have been thinking....

 

This week, it was about friendship. I have been wondering about what it is. Actually, I've been thinking about what it isn't and in that, I find that there won't be much to define friedship by in the end. As much as I want to believe it to be true -- and believe me I do -- these people aren't my friends. More about that later. Here's what I've decided friendship isn't:

• people that are nice
• people that invite you to be places
• people that say they are your friend
• people that talk to you often or that you talk to often
• people that buy you presents
• people that like you/admire you

I'm just trying to get my head around all of this and maybe I never will, but I've been staring down the barrel of this truth for a while and I can't shake it. There is this person I have known for years, but it has settled on me that this person is not my friend no matter what I wish. At most, I'm just someone that holds their interest for a little while, but when it comes to the moments I need them most, they aren't there. It is sobering to be an hour away from home and have someone go "well, why don't you just ask one of your roommates to pick you up" only to realize that if I did need that ride, I would be stranded. I didn't even have to ask. Tha tis the truth though. Maybe a friends is, in part, the person that you know in your heart would be there for you no matter what and that is what I don't have right now.

 

I lack that reassurance in myself because of what I see this person neglect everyaday. Their dog. Their cat. Their homework. Other people's feelings other than their own. The way they are only there when it is convenient for them. The way that they get upset when things become hard and won't talk even if it is to save a friendship. The way I am villified if I mention the fact that something is bothering me instead of even trying for a second to understand my point of view in spite of the many times I have done that very thing in their times of stress.

 

At best, I am a sounding board. A place to vent freely and then be left until I'm needed again. That is nice, but it is not friendship. Friendship involves two people that think of the other more than themselves and that give to one another.I guess maybe I just need a new prescription, because these rose-colored glasses aren't cutting it anymore.

 

More later.