the last year and some change

The year of 2010 was hell. I won't compare it to another year. It was just hell. All over. Drama at every turn and then some. Every month seemed to bring new drama with it in a different form. I could enumerate, but you can just backtrack through the year and read it all. It was nuts.

There were quite a few sweet things about the year. That much is true:

:: I proved myself to my company from bottom to top and gained everyone's respect.

:: I became more responsible and took more control over my financial situation.

:: I've asked questions about everything -- people, life, myself -- and I've gotten enough answers to decide that the adventure is worth continuing.

:: I've gotten very interesting new friends.

:: I've gotten suitable new roommates.

:: I have an air mattress.

:: I got a raise at work for doing the first thing on this list.

:: Got my mom a good christmas present.

:: Stayed connected with family.

:: Rid myself of a bit of unneeded drama and "false friends".

:: Got into a bit more trouble than I should be comfortable with.

:: Drank a bit of wine and enjoyed.

:: Had my first filet mignon (although it was incorrectly cooked).

Job thing was pretty easy. People leaving the company and other things happening forced people to look to me for help and I didn't buckle under that pressure. Instead, I asked for more responsibility and grew into my role there.

Roommate thing... well you can read it all over the year.

The questions and answers? Well, that is a bit more rough.

PEOPLE

I went into the year believing that people would ultimately do the right thing for the most part. Couldn't have been further from the truth. People walked right out of my life for no good reason and in some cases, entered in the same way. I learned that sometimes people just aren't worth reconsidering. A person that said they would be my friend always had a wedding that I found out about on accident. People dropped me without a word in other cases, expecting to find me waiting for them when they did. I did no such thing.

While that last sentence may sound very brave and bold and badass, behind that was a very hurt person. If people are your friends, things like that shouldn't happen, but they did and pretty much twice a month all year. I can't make sense of why yet. It's like the friendship wasn't even real and ceased to exist as soon as I was out of sight.

I realized that my ideas on relationships are even further from most than I had originally thought. It was a very sobering and lonely thought because I don't like the idea that the things I feel about a person -- friendship or otherwise -- won't be returned to me. I've seen those connections that I find so important snapped into pieces and sometimes rendered irreparable over the smallest things.

EXPERIENCES

Oh the stories I have there have names attached lol. I've met interesting people. We've exchanged words, thoughts, perspectives, and even underwear lol. Okay, not the underwear -- they came in special order for my birthday. In any case, as per all of these experiences, I've probably gathered even more questions about this world I'm in. Some are fun. Some are meh. Some are just.... WTFish. I have questions about sex and sexuality and at the same time I'm helping people with their own.

I've been helped and I've helped. Who knows whether one was more than the other or less. I don't care about keeping track really and that's how things are with me.

MYSELF

I am at an interesting place to be more in control of things I should be -- which is nowhere near everything, but I should be able to pay my bills and settle my student loans. I have a curiosity about things that I enjoy because I enjoy its purity and innocence. I'm curious about guys (shut up, I'm not going to haul off and date or have sex with one, but whether I do or not is none of your concern anyway) and that is that I suppose. Nothing major and no cause for alarm. I haven't really ever had sex or anything, so why not I guess. That's pretty much all of the thoughts on that I need to type. I've written more on the subject before.

I started a blog on social media and took some MMA training from a friend which I will continue to faithfully pursue. I built muscle with exercise and I like it. I think I'll keep it.

I'm not getting proper sleep still and I've noticed the more tired I become, the more intensified my emotions are. I can't hold in anything and what I am holding in comes pouring out. I hate it, but I can't help it at all. I just become intensely angry, or very happy when I see someone and want them to hold me a lot. Hell, I even start thinking about sex more often when I'm tired. A lot more.

Oh yeah, I masturbated in May for the first time just to quiet my curiosity about the subject. Odd thing it was. I was too shocked by the whole experience to even feel anything other than shock at the whole thing. I'm not as freaked out anymore several months later. Does it still happen? Well that would be telling ;)

THE FUTURE

Cause for concern on a massive level for a lot of reasons. The financial and job stuff is okay, but I'm concerned for my relationships. Romantic things are out of pocket for now, but my friendships are another matter. I feel that many of them are about to change for the worse. Mostly just due to attrition. I simply do not have the patience to deal with people's nonsense and idiosyncrasies the way I used to and even less if they are producing nothing of value in my life or their own. I'm tired of trying to help and understand and be friends with people that don't want to do anything good for themselves and complain about everything. Not only that, but in some cases, it's just not worth the effort to give to people that don't want to give back at all. There are so many points of frustration on this that I feel like I am walking through briars even speaking on the subject.

Other things, I'm just so over. Mostly going back to and circling around stupid people. Some days, I want to be another person. Most days, I just want to be left alone and mingle now and then.