troubles and the troubled

I've just wanted a few moments to myself this week. Just a few. Every night seems to find something new to keep me awake. Mostly people visiting. This is fine I suppose for the most part, but it's just rough keeping all of these things together in my head sometimes and I think this is a journal entry when these things are going to just come spilling out for a bit.

First off is friendship. Morgan has for the last six weeks said something like, "I

want to come over at _____ on _____ and talk to you for a while. I [insert affectionate verb] you so much even though I don't always seem to show it (sorry for that by the way)...." This continues to happen multiple times up to and including an instance where he writes things like:

These are the things about people I don't understand. If I don't want to be somewhere, I don't say I will be. I just don't appear. I didn't ask him to give me a time or a date and whenever he does, I am always home at the time we agree to only to have him not show up. Not only that (which on its own is whatever), but there is no message indicating that he is not coming or why he is not coming or even making alternative visiting plans. I'm a forgiving person. Patient. Maybe even to a fault, but it isn't endless and I'm kinda burnt out on it. If this comes up again, my reply will probably be harsh and be accompanied by a screenshot.

Work this week has been insightful. Without going into details, let's say that I am being trusted with a lot more than I think anyone expected me to be and I haven't been in this space in a while. It is scary in some ways. Many, actually, but that's another story that I will have to take to my grave I guess...

...like so many other things. I used to have very few, if any, real secrets. Now I have more than I can count. They are not my own, but they become darker and deeper with every passing day it seems. I have been subjected to more information that I cannot speak of than I will ever be able to pen and I just seem to take in more of that kind of info all the time. It never ends and I am sure it never will.

Most of the time lately, I find it hard to get into anything. I hate winter. It drains my energy. No sunlight. No warmth. Not enough daylight hours...

I've drank alcohol every day for the last two. A margarita last night and a "Dirty Shirley" (grenadine + cherries + sprite + vodka) tonight. I might get into a habit of drinking a bit after work now and then. Why not? It wouldn't kill me to although it sure does get a good reaction out of some people. I can't imagine why; if I'm curious and I try something, I don't think it should matter. It's just a beverage. I'm not sick. I'm not hammered. I still remember things and can speak in clear coherent sentences in all of the languages I know.

Whatever.

I feel like that about a lot of things.

Whatever.

Friends? Whatever.
Work? Whatever.
Life? Whatever.
Church? Whatever.

I need a vacation. I'm almost burnt out and it's not even the end of
January. WTF.

Some guy told me that his dying wish is to have sex with me. I think
that's hilarious. Probably not happening, but hilarious. I'm so used
to not having had sex that I might not ever and I'm fine with that.
Hope the rest of the world can hang on. Then again, I might. Hope the
rest of the world can hang on.

I need hugs. Love even. I wish Reza were here. I miss him. He's a good
guy. Real friend. I can feel the love from here...

I'm just a mess in my brain and this isn't helping because I can't
seem to put my feelings into my fingers.