It started in the middle of the day, but I first felt this coming on just before I found out Asami (my black and white, super awesome and affectionate cat) died in my neighbors backyard. I just woke up overwhelmed with feeling... sad?
Question mark because that's not the word, but it's the closest I get. It's like I'm fighting every lie I've ever been told. That I'm alone, unloved, not thought of by anyone, don't love anything... I don't know how to escape it. It's like a void that stretches on forever like a black hole and nothing escapes it. It's rare, but it hits really hard and it makes it hard not to just break down sometimes. Some of these feelings may not even be mine (I'm an empath)...
Yesterday, I was in the car with the guys driving to the store, reading a book while they were getting gas and all I could think about was how much I wanted to drop everything and everyone and move away and not tell anyone but maybe two people where I was in the world at all and just not be seen again. No reason. No explanation. No warning. No goodbye. Just vanishing.
I wonder where this comes from. I wish I had someone to hold or hug and just fall apart in front of. I have many friends, but they have their own weaknesses and things they are struggling to accomplish and I want to be able to be strong for them. That and very few of my friends know how to handle me in my weakness. They don't always feel like they can reach me or help me and out of frustration they give up, walk away or just leave for a while or permanently. Outside of that, I can't be weak at work because I'm at work and I have to be on my AAA-game at all times.
Is it because I didn't have someone to be weaker with when I was younger? Is it because I don't have my dad nearby? Is it because I don't know where to get strength from when I'm weak anymore? I don't even know how to ask God for the strength I need, but He knows me and that's probably the only reason I haven't lost my mind yet. I've been awake since about 6AM, so that makes five (5) hours of feeling like this and I have another six hours left before I go home to be awake for another few hours and power through more minimalism stuff before I go to sleep.
I want to be rescued... carried away.
So, my phone decided to kill my comment. I will try to post again...
ReplyDeleteBut, I know exactly how you are feeling. I felt the same way when I was sickest last year. And I will be honest...it felt good to have a breakdown. I only did it once, to my grandmother, but it felt good to show someone that, even tho I show and act the strong one in my family, I have stress to, and sometimes I need to just talk it through with someone.