Survey The Field

Talking to a friend of mine on Skype today brought some thoughts into sharp focus.

This is the aftermath of a battle and I am bleeding from everywhere. Still standing, yes, but bleeding. My work life is perfect; I walk in, I do what's in front of me. People know that if they ask me something, it's as good as done and if they ask me to pick up responsibility, it's done without a complaint. My rep is sterling there.

Home? Personal stuff? Akimbo is hardly the word for it. I just stopped caring about a lot of things and people for that matter because I started to get angry to the point of hating a few people. I cut myself off from my own emotions for a bit and just let life wash past me giving nothing and expecting nothing and that was fine, but that left the kitchen in disrepair and lightbulbs blown and my room a mess and book pages unread and so on.

Thinking about it, there's much that I need to eliminate, but I feel stuck and unmotivated with everything right now outside of work and the efforts I do make aren't as rewarding. It makes me wonder what the point is a lot of times and the events of just today remind me of what I spent so much time cutting my emotions off for. Truth be known, that cutoff was addictive and I'll miss it, but I have to get things in order and tend to these wounds.

Apathy that I exercised saps my motivation for doing almost anything when I'm not at work now. I can't do anything on my "Must-List". I dread getting out of bed every morning... This can't continue like this. Back to caring.